December 1867 The Shinsengumi takes part in the battle of Toba-Fushimi. Tempers run high after Kondou is shot. Shinpachi is sent out to the frontlines of the desperate battle with Chizuru being ordered to be his shield from all the cannons and the guns. Shinpachi doesn't like the idea of it even one bit, but there's no time to try and convince her or any of the others to make her stay at the magistrate's office. After a desperate battle the only survivor of the second division is Shinpachi - thanks to Chizuru. They make a hasty retreat from the impossible battle, but on the way back to the others they run into Kazama instead. In order to protect the girl he made a promise with, Shinpachi is forced to drink the ochimizu and betray his own ideals.
He was going to go out and to the frontlines despite everyone already knowing in advance this battle was going to be very dangerous with a cannon around, despite knowing that there's a high chance he'll die - but Shinpachi doesn't just believe in that. If there's a high chance, then he'll just have to beat the odds somehow, it's really that simple. But even though he has full confidence in his own skills and his men's, apparently some other members of the Shinsengumi hadn't trusted it as much. Reluctant to lose a captain (especially with Shinpachi's complete refusal towards the ochimizu, unlike Sannan or Heisuke) Hijikata had ordered Chizuru to go with him just in case a bullet would catch him off guard. After all, with her demon blood those would hardly do anything to her. And Shinpachi did spend a few good minutes protesting the decision, shouting at Hijikata and whoever else he could find, even trying to tell Chizuru herself to stay back, but.. no one would listen. And he really didn't have any more time to try and argue it when the cannon just kept going in the distance, so in the end - as much as he hated it - there was no other choice than to suck it up.
Maybe the fact that their promise was still fresh on her mind (because it was still on his as well) was what caused that Chizuru herself wouldn't change her mind either, but Shinpachi isn't just going to take the fact she's supposed to get hurt for his sake. Even though the soldiers with the guns are coming closer and closer and the air is starting to get heavy with traces of gunpowder and the sound of the cannon and the guns rings loudly in his ears, he's still standing there fighting and trying to push Chizuru behind him rather than letting her get in front of him with every chance he has.
But the chances are appearing fewer and fewer the more he has to focus on battle in order to not get killed. Some of the bullets already grazed him, but he knows he can't afford much more than that or he'll end up like Kondou. Except in enemy territory, so even worse.
It doesn't help that it's so impossible to get closer to most of the soldiers with guns..
Shinpachi grits his teeth. ] Chizuru-chan, you 'kay? [ He doesn't turn to look at her, he doesn't have the opening for it, but he needs to make sure she's still there, that she's still okay. He can't just let her get hurt here, no matter her supposed duty. ]
[It's true that the rush of battle isn't exhilarating to her. She takes no pleasure from the men's battle cries or the rattle of gunfire or the sharp clang of metal on metal or the thunderous roar of the cannons. Some people thrive in environments like this, bloom all the more beautifully in adversity and grow from it. Chizuru just feels sick.
But more terrifying than the thought of a gunshot wound is the thought of watching Shinpachi's back as he marches off to do his duty and then watching solemnly as men bear him back, cold and lifeless instead of warm and bright because some bullet or sword found its way to his gut. She would face a million battles if it meant never having to entertain the thought that someday the spark of life in him would be snuffed out.
In theory she had a choice. She could have refused (because she's not really a part of the Shinsengumi). In practice there was no choice at all - she could never refuse (because she wants, so badly, to be a support to these men). And how could she say no? When her help could mean safety for Shinpachi, who had selflessly sworn to protect her?
She knows, deep in her bones, that he would protect her from anything. He meant his promise; they hadn't just been empty words to make her feel better. She can't repay that kindness with selfishness.
And it's true, she makes an ideal shield. The ability to recover from grievous wounds is in her, in her blood and her bones, all of the healing benefits of the rasetsu without the bloodlust-fueled madness. And, ultimately, she is expendable. Heisuke can't be Shinpachi's cover; they need him. They don't need her, and while it's ideal if she lives to go on to be of use to them another day, if she doesn't it's not a loss to them the same way it would be if they lost any of their captains.
But she doesn't go into this thinking, I'll die for him, because that would make him a liar. He promised he would keep her safe. But to do that he has to live, too, he has to live past this terrible battle because he can't protect her if he's dead. He dies, and his promise is broken. She dies, and his promise is broken. The only way to keep him from being a liar is for them both to make it out alive and she knows, deep down, that if she's careful she'll survive this even if the pain of any wounds she suffers is unbearable. As long as they neither pierce her heart nor sever her head...
Even Shinpachi's protests hadn't been enough to sway her from this course, because he might be worried but she's already decided that no matter what, regardless of what she has to do to make it that way, they're both going to live.
The air is heavy with smoke and the mixed scent of gunpowder and blood - not a pleasant combination in the slightest. Around them, the sound of a pitched battle swells with screams and bursts of cannonfire and she wishes she could block it all out, but she can't. The only thing that cuts through the terror is the knowledge that she needs to be alert to protect him, and so she keeps her eyes open for any incoming soldiers or bullets - ]
I'm here, Nagakura-san. I won't leave your side.
[ - and the sound of his voice. That cuts through the terror, too; it doesn't matter how loud the horror around them is because when he addresses her, she'll respond. That's just a fact.
Also a fact: She refuses to let anything stop her from protecting him, even him. When he tries to shield her, she yields for a moment, but only so that he'll relax long enough for her to get back into place. And when the crack of a bullet cuts through the air, she moves instantly, faster than she even knew she could move with her back to the direction of the sound and her arms thrust out to keep him from moving between her and the noise.
...but, ultimately, her quick action isn't necessary; the soldier's aim is off by a large margin and the bullet finds its purchase in the trunk of a tree, not in either of their flesh. But she doesn't relax and should he look down at her, her expression will be on-edge and alert as she listens and watches for any sound or sight that might indicate another attempt on his life.]
[ If there's anything good about this situation at all, it's the knowledge that she'll stick by his side - not for the reasons she might think, but for his own reasons. He already has enough to worry about without adding on the fact that he needs to make sure she's right there on top of everything. Even though Hijikata really increased his trouble more than anything when he sent her along, since even though she's supposed to be an asset when used right, Shinpachi hates to think of other people in terms of using them. So all he can think of is the double agenda he has right now - he wants to be bold and break through enemy lines, since playing it careful here isn't going to do jack shit, but at the same time he also wants to play it careful so she won't get stuck in a barrage of gunshots.
And he glances at her and he can see just how alert she is, how aware of everything around her and on one hand he's glad to see it since it means she's less likely to be caught in the middle of an attack by surprise, but he also loathes the idea that she's doing this for him, so she can make sure that if someone gets hurt, it's her and not him.
His stomach turns. It's just not right, the way she almost took that bullet. He remembers Sano protesting too before Shinpachi and his division marched out, saying that Chizuru is a woman and that she shouldn't have to be on the battlefield because of that--
Even though it's a good protest, it's nowhere near the whole of the story as far as Shinpachi is concerned. Sure, Chizuru is a woman, but that's not the foremost reason she shouldn't be here. It's exactly because she's Chizuru. Cute Chizuru who always smiles, who's there whenever you had a bad day patrolling to get your spirits right back up with good food, who worried so much about every single one of them (and him, he knows from their conversation) even though they threatened to kill her when she first stumbled upon one of their secrets.
Someone like that shouldn't have to do this. Someone like that shouldn't have to be here, for his sake, to save his life.
Call it selfish (although Shinpachi has usually never had any trouble with making selfish decisions since he just does what he believes in and not what anyone else tells him to) but it's also just that he personally doesn't want to see the girl he made a promise with hurt.
But right now, there's a battle to focus on. A division that needs its leader, and he stares ahead into the trees and smoke before gently touching her wrist, as if he's wordlessly telling her to follow him, before letting go so he can properly hold onto his sword again. He'd prefer to drag her along and make sure she's actually following, but he can't afford that luxury now.
He makes his way through the trees, trying to seek cover with them, and actually does manage to find a few gunmen who have tried to hide themselves among them. Shinpachi hates dirty tactics, but knowing there's no way he can face a gun head on, he just puts his sword straight through the first one they come across from the back. The enemy soldier crumbles to the ground before he even knows what hit him.
It's only small victories like that in the middle of all this though. The gunshots keep ringing out (do they never run out of bullets?) and there's way too many men in blue haori lying all across the floor and too few enemy soldiers. Some of them recognizable too, men he's fought next to for years and years.
It's just when Shinpachi is glancing down at one as they pass it that a gunshot rings out. From close by.
[The crack of the gunshot splits the air, and Chizuru doesn't think - she just reacts. In the blink of an eye she's shifted the angle of her body to put herself between Shinpachi and the bullet. There's no planning, there's just instinct, because trying to stop to figure out where the sound came from and what the bullet's trajectory is would take too long.
The bullet bites into her skin - burying itself about midway down her back and she doesn't even care that it's an injury from behind, that it might look like she was fleeing, if the wound is examined later. As long as Shinpachi lives it will be clear enough that she did her duty and stayed where she was supposed to. She can do this, she's going to do this, she can take it -
But even though her body can mend itself, she doesn't have a high tolerance for pain. She lets out a sharp cry as the bullet rips itself into her and reaches, also instinctively, for Shinpachi's arm, her body slumping against his and her knees trembling with the effort of not succumbing to the pain and giving out. Somewhere in the distance - or is it nearby? The battle is so loud, she can't tell - there's a sound that is suspiciously similar to an exchange of words -
"Got one!" "Good, now get the other."
The other... that means Shinpachi. She can't allow that to happen. She forces herself to loosen the stranglehold she has on his arm and straightens up, the sharp tang of her own blood filling her nostrils as she feels her body reject the bullet - somehow, it lands lightly on the ground and her feet, soaked in blood, and she's grateful because she doesn't want the wound to heal over with the bullet still inside her - and feels the telltale tingling of her skin starting to knit itself back together. It hurts, it hurts so much, but though her mind is still reeling from the pain her body isn't at the limit of what it can take.]
Nagakura-san. [Her voice sounds strained and a little weak, too quiet for anyone but him to hear, but there's a stubborn note in it that indicates she won't back down on this.] I'm going to draw their fire. [She knows, now, that he is so much more intelligent than he lets on. She knows that he'll know what to do with an enemy that is focusing their attention on a single target - knows that he'll recognize them for the sitting ducks they're about to be.
And she trusts him to cut them down quickly.
She lingers close to him for just one moment, because she feels safe at his side even when she's just been shot, but then she hears the sound of someone reloading their gun - how can she hear that, she wonders? - and she turns her head to glare at them sharply. She hears their intake of breath even from all the way over here.
Unbeknownst to her, her hair is starting to lighten - not unlike the rasetsu Shinpachi is familiar with. She hears a few scattered curses and then someone on their end barks out an order -
"Kill it!" It. They've already concluded she isn't human? She takes one step toward them and if this weren't such a dire situation she might find some amusement in the way they panic, because her hand resting on the hilt of her sword like she's going to personally slaughter them is mostly a bluff. But it works, because she can take a few more steps toward before they stop hesitating and open fire. "Kill it right now!"
Bullet after bullet rips into her and it's like slow motion - she can see them coming. Somehow, she knows which ones are safe to dodge (they won't hit Shinpachi if they don't hit her) and which ones she has to take (because she'd be an awful shield if she avoided injury herself and got him shot because of it).
She steps closer and closer to them as they continue to fire - maybe they'll just run out of bullets - and keeps her expression serious, grim, as their panic becomes more apparent because even though it hurts she isn't falling, she's just steadily continuing to advance on them as her body mends itself the way it was born to.
Every sting of a bullet is a relief. Because if it's her being shot, it isn't him.]
Edited (html fucked up mid-sentence o_O) 2014-05-15 13:33 (UTC)
It's stupid, but it's almost like he freezes up when he sees it, when he spots her getting hit by the bullet, the sound she makes and the way she nearly collapses on him-- this really can't be happening. This is exactly what he was trying to avoid, and by the time he's enough aware of the situation again to be able to move he tries to grab her and support her.
But it's already too late, the bullet falls out, letting out a light chime as it hits the earth. Seeing her healing powers in action doesn't really surprise him - she did recover way quickly after that night when Sannan seriously injured her arm, after all - but the fact that she even got hurt to begin with is something he just can't let go. Here he is, a strong warrior, captain of one of the divisions of the Shinsengumi, everything he ever worked for-- and he's letting an innocent girl take bullets for him, even if it's not voluntarily.
And when she walks off and her hair changes color from night to snow, all he can think about is just how badly he wants to chase after her and grab her and pull her far away from this battlefield where she just doesn't belong. But he also knows that if he just storms after her, all her pain will have been for nothing - he'd just get them both killed. So even though he mentally curses himself and kicks the ground, Shinpachi knows that all he can do here to help her (and himself, but that's of lesser consequence right now) survive is fight dirty. Killing people from behind. Letting someone important to him who isn't even a warrior take blows in his place.
God, what is this battle doing to him?
But for now there's no time to reflect on it. Every moment he hesitates is another moment Chizuru suffers, so he's already moving, running until he's right behind the squad firing at the poor girl. And it only takes seconds before they're all bodies on the floor - striking two in one swing, then another, then another, his thrusts even stronger than usually since it contains all the hatred he can muster up for cowards who'd shoot at a girl even before they realised Chizuru is a little bit more than that.
There's only a brief moment where he allows himself after the strikes to make sure there isn't another one of those soldiers close by, but then he's already moving over to the girl. And without saying a word in advance, he grabs her with the arm that isn't carrying the blood-soaked sword, holding her so close to him that he presses her against his chest, holding onto her with an vice-like grip even if it's just one arm he's using, even if he's smeared with blood and dirt and cuts from the battle.
He doesn't care. He's not going to let go of her now and let her get hurt more, not when she's already taken so many bullets, not when it must have hurt so goddamn much--
For once, there's actual anguish visible in Shinpachi's eyes. And it's just this time, just as he's staring down at the girl he's so desperately clinging onto, like letting go of her might just kill her right now. He'll charge back into the battle in a few moments since he knows he can't abandon his men, but he can't just walk away from this and pretend nothing happened.
He can't. ]
Chizuru-chan.. [ His voice shakes a little, and then he grits his teeth. ] Dammit, don't you ever do that again..!
[ He sounds enraged, but it doesn't sound like it's aimed at her. Shinpachi throws temper tantrums way too often for anyone to not be able to tell when he's mad at them, and despite the anger, it's not him being mad at Chizuru.
He's mad at himself for letting this happen, he's mad at the Shinsengumi for even coming up with this idea, he's mad at the enemy soldiers for going after her rather than him. ]
[Her expression stays grim for that moment, and the only reason she's still standing is because of the adrenaline coursing through her veins as her body struggles to repair itself. Even a demon's body has limits - a single gunshot wound is simple enough to repair, like a deep cut on the arm... but there are some injuries that take more time, and the bullets that have pierced her add up to that. She can feel the strain it puts on her body as it fights desperately to heal, but she knows it won't heal instantly.
But she can still move -
This won't kill her, she's okay -
Then Shinpachi grabs her, holds her tight against his chest and she feels her face crumple. She doesn't want him to see that, though, because just him having to see the way she proves that she isn't human is hard enough, and she presses her face against his chest, paying no mind to the blood or the dirt there. God knows there's enough blood on her anyway, staining her clothing as the wounds begin to heal over. She winces, because this time it's not quite so thorough, this time some of the skin starts to scab over before the bullets are out and she knows, knows that is going to hurt.
She's dizzy, with relief and with pain. Her vision blurs with tears and she makes a soft noise as she tries to blink them away, but it doesn't quite work.]
I... [She sounds dazed.] I'm sorry...
[Because she can't give him the answer he wants to hear. Don't you ever do that again requires her to abandon her duty as his shield and as much as this hurts she knows it would be so much worse if she had let even a single one of the lead balls to find itself buried in Shinpachi's flesh.
This hurts so badly. Shinpachi still has things he needs to do, a battle he needs to win. His men are depending on him...
She gasps, her head snapping up to look at his face. His men... She wants to stay here like this but she knows that's not possible. Not with the battle still raging around them, not with the rank-and-file soldiers laying down their lives... they're trying their best, giving their all. She has to, too.]
The battle, [She whispers, even as one of her hands tightly grips his haori. She doesn't want him to let go of her, but she knows he has to. She shudders.] Nagakura-san, it's not over...
[And she would do the same thing all over again - even with her current wounds - if it meant keeping him safe. It's a very real possibility. She doesn't care; she'll survive. As long as he's okay, it's worth it no matter how dazed with pain she becomes.]
[ She's apologizing, apologizing of all things, and he can feel his own grip on her tightening a little bit when he hears those words, when he hears every single pained tiny noise she makes. It hurts so much that she's crying - all for him. That kind of decidation, even if it's under orders, isn't something anything could feel flattered by. It only makes him sick, knowing she'd push himself so far and that he's to blame for every single bit of pain she goes through.
Of course he hasn't forgotten the battle - it's impossible here in the thick of the smoke and the gunshots ringing out in the distance constantly - but he's trying to think of a quick way to deal with this in his mind. How does he fight this battle and keep Chizuru safe if she's exactly the one who isn't intending to stay safe while he's trying to fight his way through? It's already seemingly impossible enough without further distractions.
His head leans down, whispering in a low tone, something only meant for her ears as she's right there with his arm wrapped around her. ]
If a bullet threatens my life, then I know I can't stop you, but don't feel so obliged to take everything for me. I'm a tough kinda guy, I can take at least two of those. [ That's probably a bluff, and he knows it, but on the other hand, maybe if he has the time to dodge just enough to make them not land in an area that's too critical.. ] I won't tell Hijikata-san or anyone else. We can say it was an accident.
[ He lets out a tired breath. ]
So.. c'mon, don't do something like this to a guy like me.
[ Don't look so sad and so hurt, don't take the pain that's meant for him, he's a warrior, he's been willing to lay down his life if he'd have to since the very beginning. She didn't choose that kind of life, he did, so he can't bear to see her suffer in his place.
He's apparently not taking any verbal protests to that though, since the next moment he's letting go of her (still supporting her for a brief moment to make sure her wounds did heal enough for her to stand) and running off into battle once more. He knows she'll follow, that's not what he's worried about. If she didn't have that kind of stubborn dedication to a cause, they wouldn't have this problem to begin with. But he figures she can't step inbetween him and the enemy soldiers if he's quick enough, so he runs up to any he can find that aren't aiming straight at him, cutting them down when he's able to. It's a lot harder to focus on battle when he has to remember at the same time to make sure Chizuru stays back, to protect her from herself, but--
Once he's gotten past the first few lines of enemies, he just gapes as the sight in front of them. There's so many bodies mowed down, and still a few more trying to storm the proper enemy lines up ahead. But every single one is being shot down before they can even get close - their guns are even better than the soldiers he encountered on the battle field so far with Chizuru, being able to shoot across a great distance.
(And he recognizes so many of the faces of the fallen, practically all of them, and the more he looks the more he realises just how much of the second division is left, who's still there, because it's almost like every single one of them is lying there lifelessly.
There's nothing worse than the feeling of realising something really is well and truly lost - mostly because Shinpachi hasn't had that feeling much in his life, he's always tried to find some way around it, but even he knows that charging to the enemy lines there won't mean anything but him joining those bodies - but he sure is feeling it as he's staring at the field ahead now.
He's so lost in the shock for a moment that he forgets all about Chizuru being there with him, instead just staring as he tries to think of what to do.
(Pulling back is the only sensible option, retreating and telling Hijikata this can't be saved, but when has he ever done that?) ]
[She wants to say that isn't good enough - that Hijikata certainly won't accept It was an accident as a reason for any injury to Shinpachi, not after charging her with his safety (though of course maybe he will, he hadn't seemed to be ordering it to be cruel but rather because he had no other choice). But her protest dies on her lips when he speaks those words -
"Don't do something like this to a guy like me."
She is no warrior, that much is for sure. So maybe she'll never fully understand how terrible it feels to watch a civilian running headlong into danger the way Shinpachi has had to watch her. But she does know the guilt of letting a dear friend take a blow for her, and just remembering it makes her stomach churn.
...if it's anything like that, then...
There is guilt ingrained deeply into her expression. She knows how awful it feels to watch someone get hurt trying to protect her; it must be a blow to Shinpachi's honor, she knows that, and yet... maybe it's selfish of her, but she doesn't want to lose him. She doesn't want to hurt him either, though, and she's stuck between two irreconcilable goals: save his honor and save his life.
Is the fact that she's so willing to choose his life over his honor just proof of how incredibly different they are? Man, woman, warrior, civilian, human, demon... They just keep piling up. She wants to stay by his side, but she wonders if that, too, would cause him pain.
But there is no time for wondering, because he's on the move again and it's all she can do to keep him in her sights. She has to stay close by so she can protect him - but he's trying to protect her - and her heart nearly stops as she sees him strike down soldier after soldier. He is quick and sharp and strong, and of course he comes out of it alive, but if even one man with a gun had enough time to take aim before they tasted his blade...
If he got hurt because she wasn't able to keep up...
Why, why can't she be strong enough to protect him without that protection hurting him?
She nearly lets out a sigh of relief when Shinpachi finally comes to a stop, because if he's not moving that means she can make it to his side. She crosses the distance as quickly as her wounds allow and is utterly unprepared for the sight that had stopped him in his tracks.
No...
She looks on in horror at the sea of corpses and injured men and flinches as a round of cannonfire and gunfire cuts into a group of men and sends them falling to the ground. It's too much. There's - there's no way they can win this. Maybe Shinpachi can think of a way, but Chizuru is no battlefield tactician and seeing these men falling one after another sends her into a blind panic, and she reaches for his arm to hold onto it tightly because if he runs out in there ahead of her like he did minutes before he could be next and she can't allow that to happen.
It must be so much worse for him, she thinks. He recognizes the fallen. They're his men.
...and it's for that very reason she can't voice the obvious We need to go. She would never allow someone to drag her away from the scene, if it was her comrades (when did she start thinking of them this way? They can't think the same about her...) out there - if she was watching Heisuke and Harada charge the line, and then watching them fall; if she was seeing Saitou be cut down with a burst of cannonfire, no honorable battle at all; if she was there to witness Okita crumple to the ground, never to get up again... And Hijikata, and Kondou, and Sannan and all the others...
She wouldn't leave them. She can't ask Shinpachi to leave his men, either. She isn't a warrior but she recognizes that much - and yet, she can't risk him joining them, which is why her hold on his arm never loosens, not even for a second.]
Can... [She swallows thickly, looking up at him uncertainly.] Is there... anything we can...?
[He is the warrior; he knows battlefields. If he says they still have a chance of winning, that means they have a chance, and she'll do whatever she can to help him win. But if even he acknowledges this is a lost cause... then she can't just let him waste his life, but she can't do this to him, can't force him to abandon his men although so many of them have already perished -
...he has to live, somehow. She has to make him live. If he continues to fight, she'll be there at his side. She'll never let him die before she does.]
[ The only thing that pulls him back to reality, moreso than the loud sounds of battle all around them, rumbling in the distance, is her sudden grip on his arm. It reminds him that he's not alone here, that she's here too and he has to make sure she gets out of here safely as well. It probably plays a part in his decision. Maybe in any other case he might still have tried to get through to the enemies there somehow even if it seems impossible and like a suicidal thing to do, but he can't do that when she's there. Either he'd show her the sight of him being killed as well and abandoning her in enemy territory, or she'd throw herself in the way and maybe get killed instead. He doesn't want to do either of those things to her.
And.. well, if he's entirely truthful with himself, this just is an impossible situation. There just is nothing to be done about it. The sight of bodies dressed in blue hues everywhere is proof enough of that. If none of them could lay even a single hand on the enemy, then even Shinpachi won't be able to do the same before the many bullets nearly rip his body apart.
He glances sideways at the girl clinging to his arm, his expression a little hard to read compared to usually. Usually his emotions show so easily and naturally without even having to think about it, but this sight makes so many emotions rise up in him that he just looks like he's trying to hold most of them back from bursting out on the spot when, even if his men are gone, she at least still needs his guidance.
He swallows thickly. ]
.. No. [ It's the worst thing to admit. There's nothing he can do. Even though he's been training all his life to become as strong as he has, even though the Shinsengumi are known for fighting even in the most desperate situations, there's nothing he can do. Probably not even if he used her as his shield, but even now he's purposefully not even entertaining the thought of that. ] We should retreat and report this to Hijikata-san and the others. [ And figure the hell out what they're even going to do from here.
He glances into the distance again - the enemies with their guns far away from them, the many bodies on the floor, the blood all over them just like it's all over him as well.
(But he's alive and they're dead, and they're the men he's been training with, patrolling with, laughing with, drinking with, and he'd trust every single last one of them with his life if he'd have to, otherwise they wouldn't have been worthy of being called men of his division. And turning his back on something that means so much to him is one of the most painful decisions he's ever had to make.
But they're dead and he can't do a thing for them anymore, while Chizuru is very much alive and needs him to get out of here, especially with how many bullets she's had to endure already.
So his decision is made.) ]
They haven't spotted us yet, so let's go. [ His voice is soft and not just to make sure they don't get spotted after all, but also since he just can't find the power to raise his voice right now, not while he's still trying to process the loss.
Shinpachi turns, making her do the same with how she's clinging to his arm, and the moment she lets go - he would love to give her a reassuring smile right now, to tell her everything is going to be okay like usually but it's so not okay that he just can't - he starts running back in the direction of the headquarters, making sure she's keeping up and not leaving his side. He can't afford to lose anything more now. ]
[The way he says "No" is one of the most heartbreaking things Chizuru has ever witnessed. There's no way it can be easy to admit that - not with his men scattered out before them, knowing he's going to have to relive this as he makes the report to Hijikata. He is a man who prides himself on his strength, so retreating... retreating is difficult, and admitting it needs to be done, even more so.
She wishes there was something she could do. Perhaps she's clung to humanity too tightly - if she were fully trained in the use of her demonic speed and strength, if here healing capabilities were just a little better... could she have helped change the outcome of this? Maybe she would have been acknowledged as a warrior; maybe then it wouldn't hurt him to have her help. Maybe she could have wiped out all those men who had struck down the Second Division before they did so much as load their firearms.
But that's wishful thinking, and it isn't going to help anyone. It doesn't change the fact that while her bloodline is impressive, her mastery of the skills it provides her with is nonexistent.
She doesn't see how this is going to be alright, and while she would dearly love to believe that it will - she just can't. When she loosens her hold on his arm so that he can go, it strikes her that she's glad Shinpachi isn't offering her any empty words about everything being alright; it would feel like a lie, and this is awful enough already, she doesn't want to feel like he's lying to her on top of it all...
She takes off after him, feet pounding on the ground and her breathing somewhat labored - her stamina has gotten better since she became more active in the Shinsengumi's affairs but she's still hurt, and the wounds are still fresh and raw, even though they've started to heal; too much jostling could reopen them. But she can't lag behind. They have to make it back to headquarters, and it almost looks as though they will, but about halfway there a sharp pain shoots through her side and she doubles over in pain.]
Nagakura-san, I'm sorry, I need to--
[She looks up, expecting to see him, and she does. But there's something else between them - the silver of a sharp blade, and she blinks at it before following the blade to the hilt, the hilt to the hand holding it, and then all the way up to the wielder's face...
Her blood runs cold. Kazama.
She didn't even see or hear him coming, but he's appeared as if from nowhere and has his blade between her and Shinpachi as if to keep them separated. He sneers as he looks in the direction they've come from, then to Shinpachi, then the direction they're going to.]
So you turned tail and ran... [Chizuru starts to protest, but he dismisses it before she even has the chance to get the words out with a scoff.] Tch... I was right nothing from you. [One hand grabs her upper arm roughly - she lets out a gasp of pain because that was the location of one of the bullet wounds, and Kazama removes his hand only long enough to examine the blood on it that had soaked through her top.] Pathetic. Hurry back to your master, dog. I'll be taking her off your hands. [He grabs her again, this time by the lower arm so as to not aggravate her wound further, but Chizuru flinches at his touch and tries to tug her arm free. Predictably, it's no good.]
January 1868 After arriving in Edo via ship from Osaka, the Shinsengumi rest at the Kama Inn. Chizuru helps Shinpachi cope with the fact that he's a rasetsu now while he tries to hide it from the others. Meanwhile, Sannan gets more and more persistent about using Chizuru and her demon blood to make the rasetsu stronger, making the tension between tensions run higher between Shinpachi and the rest of the Shinsengumi when he finds out. After a crushing defeat at Koufu Castle as the Kouyou Regulatory Company, Shinpachi butts heads with Kondou one last time before deciding he's going to leave the Shinsengumi if they keep treating him and mostly Chizuru this way, taking her and Sano, who ends up following his best friend, with him.
[Until the journey from Osaka to Edo, Chizuru hadn't realized how very confining a ship could be.
It is no pleasure cruise, that much is certain. The men's spirits are all incredibly low; she can't really blame them, though. Her own spirits are low, too, and her thoughts keep drifting back to the battlefield, the vial of ochimizu, the sight of Shinpachi standing before Kazama as a rasetsu...
Other worries nag at her all through the trip, as well. The secret she and Shinpachi share weighs heavily on her, but she promised she wouldn't tell, so all she can do is stick as close to him as he'll allow while they're at sea, hoping to be able to help conceal any - anything strange that might happen, and to help Shinpachi is he ever feels weak or tired. Luck, which had seemed to have abandoned them, is with them, though, and now their ship is docking and everyone is in motion as they prepare to disembark. Chizuru thinks they've done it, that they've managed to keep everyone from finding out, and of course she immediately seeks Shinpachi out as they gather their things and the first batch of men leaves the ship.]
Nagakura-san! [She smiles brightly up at him - because yes, she's worried for him, but he's always smiled when he was worried for her and she sincerely hopes that it helps ease his burden, to act the way she always has around him, as if there's nothing wrong and he's still human. Because it doesn't really matter to her that he's a rasetsu. Shinpachi is Shinpachi, and he's still the man she made a promise with despite having taken the ochimizu.]
It's going to be so nice to be on dry land again... don't you think?
[ This journey by boat is probably the first thing Shinpachi has ever cursed his choice of clothing. His chest being constantly exposed like this just means there's more sunlight in direct contact with his skin, and he takes every excuse he can find to go below deck rather than standing up there, even though it's far more depressing down among the people who are wounded and sometimes even dying (like Yamazaki, poor Yamazaki, hit by stray bullets and who didn't make the trip, and for a moment Shinpachi realises that could have been him so easily if Chizuru hadn't been with him the other day). But he knows he has to press on. He's not the kind of guy who gives up, so even though he's a rasetsu, he just pretends he's not. He's out in the sun even if it hurts and makes him tired as hell, he makes sure to quickly pace past wounded soldiers who actually have blood on them -- he tries to avoid every small detail that could give him away, and at least his bad mood is explained by the loss of his men and everyone generally being in a bad mood.
Not to mention that Chizuru helps a lot. She's trying to help him and smile even when everyone else is feeling like shit, and it only cements his choice of deciding to save her as the right one. You just don't meet a girl like that all the time, it'd be extremely cruel for someone that good to have to endure something that bad.
But despite the help and despite the fact he managed to hide it, he's extremely glad to be bad on land and out in the open again. It makes his body finally relax a little more despite the sun being fully out.
He grabs some of the boxes on the ship to carry them off when he sees her approach, giving her a thin smile in reply to her own. ]
Yeah. I don't think I can stand seein' anyone else getting sea sick again. [ As if that's the worst of the circumstances on the ship, but he's trying to keep things light for now.
-- Besides, maybe it's a little strange, but he finds himself wanting to talk to her. Maybe since she's one of the people most capable of cheering him up right now, especially with Heisuke and Sano carrying their own burdens already and having no idea about just what happened to him out there since he didn't even dare to tell them. ]
Wanna help me get some stuff off here? If you can grab that bag with my things over there, we can bring it to my room at the new place to stay. It shouldn't be too heavy.
[ He hopes she did at least manage to get some rest on the ship despite circumstances, especially with the kind of wounds she suffered. ]
[The lighter topic is appreciated, though it still makes her heart clench a little uncomfortably - because thinking of the seasickness makes her think of Yamazaki, who would normally have been the one to look after them... but he hadn't made it. They're losing so many good men, and it makes her feel that much more grateful that she was able to help keep Shinpachi alive.
...that feels selfish, though, because she's still not really sure if he wants to live like this, or if he's merely continuing to go on out of obligation. That's a question she's terrified of finding out the answer to, and she doesn't want to think of it - not when things are difficult enough already - so she takes solace in speaking with him like normal whenever she can.
The request for help makes her brighten considerably, and a more genuine smile touches her lips. At least he doesn't seem to want to push her away. She appreciates that he's willing to let her spend time with him despite how tired he must be.]
Of course! [She turns in the direction of his bag and heads over to pick it up, then carefully arranges it so none of his things will get damaged as she walks. Soon enough, she returns to his side, and once they both have a grip on their things it's an easy enough matter for them to head down the gangplank to the docks and then into the city streets.]
Ah... it's been so long since I was last here. Oh, watch your step! [She nearly stumbles on a loose stone, and turns to be sure that Shinpachi, carrying those boxes, doesn't stumble himself.] ...I think Hijikata-san said we'll be staying at the Kama Inn... I can't say I've ever been there before. Have you, Nagakura-san?
[ She's so refreshingly normal. Even when everything is different now, even though he's only had a little while before the whole ship thing happened and then the journey to try and get used to his new condition, Chizuru is just there like she always is, like nothing changed. For a moment he can pretend that maybe everything is normal, even if he's feeling much more exhausted than he ought to just carrying boxes. But he's supposed to be the strong one, so he can't let down the people who rely on him. Even if he's already let down plenty of those the day he took them with him on a practically suicidal mission that only he survived.
He quickly forces down the thought so he'll be able to keep up a smile at least in front of her. It has the added benefit that any other member of the Shinsengumi who sees them pass by and talk as they get onto the docks and walk into the city will think they're acting just like normal despite the bad mood. This way he can convince others he's still normal, this way they might inspire some morale into people who could use it--
It's what keeps his feet moving step by step, narrowly dodging the loose stone when she points it out and shifting the boxes in his hold a little to be able to carry them more easily. ]
Nah. I've lived here in Edo most of my life before all of us came to Kyoto, so I never really had to stay in an inn or whatever. [ It's weirdly nostalgic to be back here. Not that he has ties that strong to his family - sure, he cares about them, but not enough to want to be around them all the time instead of just live his own life - but there's just something weird about returning to his hometown yet having nothing be the same.
(Don't focus on that, he tries to tell himself, forcing down the sick feeling emerging in his stomach.) ]
Did he manage to get you your own room after all? It's probably gonna be pretty cramped.
[ They might have lost quite a number back at Toba Fushimi, but that doesn't mean there aren't still a lot of soldiers travelling as the Shinsengumi. ]
[She's heard of some of the inns, of course, despite never setting foot in them; not every patient her father had ever seen was a native of Edo. Most of them were, but some of them were travelers who had taken ill while in the city, and when they couldn't make it to his clinic he had sometimes gone to visit them at their lodgings. Chizuru hadn't really accompanied him; it was one thing for her to help him out when they were operating out of their home, but showing up as an assistant when she's had no real medical training would be something else entirely.
(She might be able to do so now, but... is it too late? When is she ever going to see her father again? ...and even if he does survive this war... knowing what she knows now about his involvement with the rasetsu, she has to wonder if he'll ever be content to going back to treating human ailments.)
His question brings a look of worry to her face, and she looks down.]
I'm not... sure. But, it doesn't feel right for me to get my own room when there's so little space. [She knows she's a girl - the captains know she's a girl - but the rank-and-file soldiers don't know she's a girl, and things are going to be difficult enough to manage without any added resentment or animosity over her seeming to get special treatment. She worries her lip.
It would definitely feel improper to have her share with a larger group, and if she's not kept apart someone really might find out about her gender, and they don't need any issues with morale now of all times...]
[ It takes him a few moments to notice the look on her face dropping, mostly since the boxes in his arms take up most of his sight. But once he hears her talk and her tone droops, he looks to the side to her - risking the fact he might just walk straight into someone, but this is Shinpachi, he doesn't care a whole lot about looking dignified - and notices that she's looking a little bit more down, or at least worried.
And.. well, maybe it's just the fact that he's letting all these promises pile up to a point where he'll soon do just about anything for her, he's sure, but he does know he promised that he'd make everything alright. So if she's making a worried face like that, the very least he can do is try to help out by offering a simple solution. It's no effort to him at all, after all. ]
Don't worry 'bout it. [ If he had any hands free, he might have nudged her shoulder a little or something as he said it. ] I doubt Hijikata-san's gonna shove you into a room with the regular soldiers, but if he does try to, just tell him that I offered for you to stay with me.
[ In his room, yes. Shinpachi's a lot less quick to flip out over a girl being in his room than Heisuke, although it's mostly due to his sheer obliviousness.. ]
At worst I'll be roomed with Sano and I doubt he's gonna mind you staying with us either. But I'll probably have my own room, so then there shouldn't be any trouble.
[ Having Chizuru, someone who's in on his secret, as his roommate is a lot easier than any other alternative, anyway. One thing he's noticed the past few days that it's so terribly difficult for him now to sleep the whole night through, he just keeps waking up and feeling wide awake every hour or so, even when he's exhausted to hell and back during the day. ]
[The offer surprises her - if only because, while she knows well enough by now that Shinpachi really would do everything in his power to make her feel more comfortable about basically anything, she also remembers how embarrassed he'd gotten that time he had brought her a brazier and then fallen asleep... but then she smiles a little, because that just goes to show how far they've come. He trusts her to be in a position where she might witness that again.
...and he trusts her to be around when, as a rasetsu, he'll probably be wide awake. She knows he's going to try and keep as normal a schedule as possible, but Heisuke and Sannan had always been much more awake when the moon was up; she can't help but wonder if it's the same for him, too. Both his face in slumber and his face lit up by moonlight are things that he actually trusts her to see.]
Actually... um, Nagakura-san.
[She starts to say something, and then hesitates. What she wants to ask is incredibly forward. Should she keep quiet? ...or should she ask it anyway?
She asks it anyway, looking up at him earnestly.]
Even if he does find me my own room... could I stay with you anyway? The others could have more space, or maybe we could save some money by not needing that extra room at all, and I'd like to spend time with you... [Her cheeks flush a little just by speaking the words.] That is, if you don't mind...!
[ For a moment he just stares down at her. It's probably hard to read from his expression which way he's taking all of this - and when it comes down to Shinpachi, there's always a 50/50 chance that he'll either get a little embarassed as well or that he'll just completely let it go over his head.. okay, it tends to be the latter one a little more often than the former.
And this is definitely a case of the latter, since after that moment of staring, he just seems to shrug off the suggestion like water off a duck's back. ]
Why would I mind? [ Even if Shinpachi sucks when it comes to feelings until they hit him straight on the head, there's no doubt in his mind that Chizuru is important to him, at least. Otherwise he wouldn't have made those promises with her and done his best to live up to them at all times, even throwing away his humanity - the last thing he thought he'd ever do - for her without much hesitation at that moment.
And if she really wants to stay with him, then.. well, who would he be to deny her that? It's not like he realises just yet that it's probably more safe for her to be with him, anyway, but even just for her emotional comfort he wouldn't turn down a request like that. ]
If you wanna stay with me, then you're gonna stay with me, it's as simple as that. If Hijikata-san or anyone else protests, then they can just stick it up their ass.
[ SHINPACHI, NOT IN FRONT OF A GIRL.. at least he does seem to realise that after a moment, coughing a little awkwardly. ]
[He is hard to read, but this isn't like when she first arrived in Kyoto - she isn't anticipating him getting angry, just him saying that he wants to have his own space. But he doesn't do that, and when he asks why he would mind her face lights up with a bright smile.
That smile becomes even brighter as he continues - If you wanna say with me, then you're gonna stay with me. There aren't many things in life that are that simple, but when Shinpachi says it's as simple as that, that's another thing she can believe. This man has a way of making the things he says into reality, anyway, and that's something she really admires about him.
She has to shift what she's carrying into the crook of her arm to bring a hand up to muffle her giggle when he corrects himself, though.]
Then... when we get there, I'll tell him. [Not to stick it up his ass, of course - her cheeks flush little when she realizes it could be taken that way, and she fumbles for a moment to try to find the right words to add to rid the statement of any ambiguity.] ...that I'm going to be with you.
[Even while blushing, she's still smiling; the fact that he's so willing to let her stay by his side warms her heart, and that's visible in - well, everything. The way her steps are less subdued, the way she's straightened up instead of hunched over like she's trying to make herself as small and unobtrusive as possible, and the way that there's still a smile on her face even when she lapses into silence while they continue their trek to the inn.
It isn't too long before they arrive, and soon enough each of them is being shown to their rooms so they can unpack. Chizuru dutifully follows after Shinpachi and, once the door is rolled away to reveal the room, she sets his bag down in one corner along with her own things and holds out her arms to Shinpachi for one of the boxes he's been carrying this whole way.]
Here, let me help. We'll get it done very quickly if we work together.
[ It's less noticable, but he straightens himself just a little more when he sees that sight. Chizuru being happy means that he's still capable of some things despite everything that's happened - he can still pretend he's human, he can still make someone happy who really deserves to be. It might not be a whole lot, but he'll keep gathering the little things together as fuel for the fire that is his spirit, his will to keep going despite the odds.
(It's a little strange, the thought, but somehow there's a part of him that almost feels like it could keep on going forever as long as she would still put that smile on her face, even in their silences.)
If some people whisper about them going into a room together (isn't the boy supposed to be Hijikata's page, or the captains who are actually in on Chizuru's secret joking at him like Sano, who would have earned an elbow nudge if Shinpachi's arms weren't currently occupied by the boxes) then the man sure didn't seem to care and just ignores it for the most part until they're in there together.
He looks at Chizuru for a moment, as if he's judging whether she'd be able to handle one, but he wants to at least let her try rather than disappoint her, so he lowers the boxes a little bit so she can grab the top one. ]
Careful, they're heavy. [ So one at a time, okay, only he's allowed to carry more than that..!
By the time she grabs it off the pile, he moves to put down the other ones, letting out a loud sigh. It's only now that he realises just how exhausted he feels, having carried those boxes all the way through the sun. Shinpachi sinks to the floor - not completely out of his own control, but one he initiates the movement, it sure goes faster than he imagines - only to sit with his back leaning against one of the boxes.
He grabs one of the ends of his headband, tugging on it until it comes undone, and then he uses it to try and wipe some of the excessive sweat that's formed on his forehead off. Damn, he sure is pathetic, having this much trouble with just bringing a few boxes here, something that would have been easy for him otherwise.
At least he doesn't feel too bad about looking like this in front of her. He still has his pride, so of course he's not 100% okay with looking pathetic in front of anyone, let alone a girl, but at least she knows his secret. He has to keep up the act in front of everyone else, after all.
He wants to reassure her though, so he shoots her a tiny smile. ]
Sure is hot out there, huh. [ As if that's the only cause. ]
July 1868 Sano and Shinpachi form a new group, the Seiheitai. They plan on travelling north to Aizu to join up with the other forces once Edo Castle surrenders and Shinpachi expresses his worries about taking her along into battle like this all the time, especially since he doesn't know when the war will even end. However, Chizuru doesn't let herself be persuaded and decides to stick by his side no matter what. As the group tries to leave Edo, they find the city surrendered, and during the Battle of Ueno Sano is severely injured by enemy gunfire. Chizuru and Shinpachi stay by his bedside, but his wounds only worsen since he, unlike Shinpachi, isn't a rasetsu, and two days later Sano dies. Chizuru tries to console Shinpachi, but then...
June 1869 Having decided to stay together no matter what with their new bond, Chizuru and Shinpachi sneak out of Edo to travel to the north once they hear of Hijikata setting up the Ezo Republic there, regretting earlier bad blood. Their journey is a slow one because of the imperial forces having taken over everywhere though, and before they fully make it to Hakodate they hear the news of Hijikata's death. Knowing the only remains of their time with the Shinsengumi are each other, the two instead go to find Kodo and the secrets behind the rasetsu in an attempt to prolong Shinpachi's life. They manage to find Chizuru's father among the ruins of the old village of the Yukimura, but the man has already been driven mad after the loss of practically all his rasetsu during the war. There's no choice left but to put him down, but with his dying breath he reveals the secret of the water near the village.
(or something with kazama idek this is just filler for now until we've done the rest)
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
CHAPTER 4
The Shinsengumi takes part in the battle of Toba-Fushimi. Tempers run high after Kondou is shot. Shinpachi is sent out to the frontlines of the desperate battle with Chizuru being ordered to be his shield from all the cannons and the guns. Shinpachi doesn't like the idea of it even one bit, but there's no time to try and convince her or any of the others to make her stay at the magistrate's office. After a desperate battle the only survivor of the second division is Shinpachi - thanks to Chizuru. They make a hasty retreat from the impossible battle, but on the way back to the others they run into Kazama instead. In order to protect the girl he made a promise with, Shinpachi is forced to drink the ochimizu and betray his own ideals.
no subject
He was going to go out and to the frontlines despite everyone already knowing in advance this battle was going to be very dangerous with a cannon around, despite knowing that there's a high chance he'll die - but Shinpachi doesn't just believe in that. If there's a high chance, then he'll just have to beat the odds somehow, it's really that simple. But even though he has full confidence in his own skills and his men's, apparently some other members of the Shinsengumi hadn't trusted it as much. Reluctant to lose a captain (especially with Shinpachi's complete refusal towards the ochimizu, unlike Sannan or Heisuke) Hijikata had ordered Chizuru to go with him just in case a bullet would catch him off guard. After all, with her demon blood those would hardly do anything to her. And Shinpachi did spend a few good minutes protesting the decision, shouting at Hijikata and whoever else he could find, even trying to tell Chizuru herself to stay back, but.. no one would listen. And he really didn't have any more time to try and argue it when the cannon just kept going in the distance, so in the end - as much as he hated it - there was no other choice than to suck it up.
Maybe the fact that their promise was still fresh on her mind (because it was still on his as well) was what caused that Chizuru herself wouldn't change her mind either, but Shinpachi isn't just going to take the fact she's supposed to get hurt for his sake. Even though the soldiers with the guns are coming closer and closer and the air is starting to get heavy with traces of gunpowder and the sound of the cannon and the guns rings loudly in his ears, he's still standing there fighting and trying to push Chizuru behind him rather than letting her get in front of him with every chance he has.
But the chances are appearing fewer and fewer the more he has to focus on battle in order to not get killed. Some of the bullets already grazed him, but he knows he can't afford much more than that or he'll end up like Kondou. Except in enemy territory, so even worse.
It doesn't help that it's so impossible to get closer to most of the soldiers with guns..
Shinpachi grits his teeth. ] Chizuru-chan, you 'kay? [ He doesn't turn to look at her, he doesn't have the opening for it, but he needs to make sure she's still there, that she's still okay. He can't just let her get hurt here, no matter her supposed duty. ]
no subject
But more terrifying than the thought of a gunshot wound is the thought of watching Shinpachi's back as he marches off to do his duty and then watching solemnly as men bear him back, cold and lifeless instead of warm and bright because some bullet or sword found its way to his gut. She would face a million battles if it meant never having to entertain the thought that someday the spark of life in him would be snuffed out.
In theory she had a choice. She could have refused (because she's not really a part of the Shinsengumi). In practice there was no choice at all - she could never refuse (because she wants, so badly, to be a support to these men). And how could she say no? When her help could mean safety for Shinpachi, who had selflessly sworn to protect her?
She knows, deep in her bones, that he would protect her from anything. He meant his promise; they hadn't just been empty words to make her feel better. She can't repay that kindness with selfishness.
And it's true, she makes an ideal shield. The ability to recover from grievous wounds is in her, in her blood and her bones, all of the healing benefits of the rasetsu without the bloodlust-fueled madness. And, ultimately, she is expendable. Heisuke can't be Shinpachi's cover; they need him. They don't need her, and while it's ideal if she lives to go on to be of use to them another day, if she doesn't it's not a loss to them the same way it would be if they lost any of their captains.
But she doesn't go into this thinking, I'll die for him, because that would make him a liar. He promised he would keep her safe. But to do that he has to live, too, he has to live past this terrible battle because he can't protect her if he's dead. He dies, and his promise is broken. She dies, and his promise is broken. The only way to keep him from being a liar is for them both to make it out alive and she knows, deep down, that if she's careful she'll survive this even if the pain of any wounds she suffers is unbearable. As long as they neither pierce her heart nor sever her head...
Even Shinpachi's protests hadn't been enough to sway her from this course, because he might be worried but she's already decided that no matter what, regardless of what she has to do to make it that way, they're both going to live.
The air is heavy with smoke and the mixed scent of gunpowder and blood - not a pleasant combination in the slightest. Around them, the sound of a pitched battle swells with screams and bursts of cannonfire and she wishes she could block it all out, but she can't. The only thing that cuts through the terror is the knowledge that she needs to be alert to protect him, and so she keeps her eyes open for any incoming soldiers or bullets - ]
I'm here, Nagakura-san. I won't leave your side.
[ - and the sound of his voice. That cuts through the terror, too; it doesn't matter how loud the horror around them is because when he addresses her, she'll respond. That's just a fact.
Also a fact: She refuses to let anything stop her from protecting him, even him. When he tries to shield her, she yields for a moment, but only so that he'll relax long enough for her to get back into place. And when the crack of a bullet cuts through the air, she moves instantly, faster than she even knew she could move with her back to the direction of the sound and her arms thrust out to keep him from moving between her and the noise.
...but, ultimately, her quick action isn't necessary; the soldier's aim is off by a large margin and the bullet finds its purchase in the trunk of a tree, not in either of their flesh. But she doesn't relax and should he look down at her, her expression will be on-edge and alert as she listens and watches for any sound or sight that might indicate another attempt on his life.]
no subject
And he glances at her and he can see just how alert she is, how aware of everything around her and on one hand he's glad to see it since it means she's less likely to be caught in the middle of an attack by surprise, but he also loathes the idea that she's doing this for him, so she can make sure that if someone gets hurt, it's her and not him.
His stomach turns. It's just not right, the way she almost took that bullet. He remembers Sano protesting too before Shinpachi and his division marched out, saying that Chizuru is a woman and that she shouldn't have to be on the battlefield because of that--
Even though it's a good protest, it's nowhere near the whole of the story as far as Shinpachi is concerned. Sure, Chizuru is a woman, but that's not the foremost reason she shouldn't be here. It's exactly because she's Chizuru. Cute Chizuru who always smiles, who's there whenever you had a bad day patrolling to get your spirits right back up with good food, who worried so much about every single one of them (and him, he knows from their conversation) even though they threatened to kill her when she first stumbled upon one of their secrets.
Someone like that shouldn't have to do this. Someone like that shouldn't have to be here, for his sake, to save his life.
Call it selfish (although Shinpachi has usually never had any trouble with making selfish decisions since he just does what he believes in and not what anyone else tells him to) but it's also just that he personally doesn't want to see the girl he made a promise with hurt.
But right now, there's a battle to focus on. A division that needs its leader, and he stares ahead into the trees and smoke before gently touching her wrist, as if he's wordlessly telling her to follow him, before letting go so he can properly hold onto his sword again. He'd prefer to drag her along and make sure she's actually following, but he can't afford that luxury now.
He makes his way through the trees, trying to seek cover with them, and actually does manage to find a few gunmen who have tried to hide themselves among them. Shinpachi hates dirty tactics, but knowing there's no way he can face a gun head on, he just puts his sword straight through the first one they come across from the back. The enemy soldier crumbles to the ground before he even knows what hit him.
It's only small victories like that in the middle of all this though. The gunshots keep ringing out (do they never run out of bullets?) and there's way too many men in blue haori lying all across the floor and too few enemy soldiers. Some of them recognizable too, men he's fought next to for years and years.
It's just when Shinpachi is glancing down at one as they pass it that a gunshot rings out. From close by.
Shit-- ]
no subject
The bullet bites into her skin - burying itself about midway down her back and she doesn't even care that it's an injury from behind, that it might look like she was fleeing, if the wound is examined later. As long as Shinpachi lives it will be clear enough that she did her duty and stayed where she was supposed to. She can do this, she's going to do this, she can take it -
But even though her body can mend itself, she doesn't have a high tolerance for pain. She lets out a sharp cry as the bullet rips itself into her and reaches, also instinctively, for Shinpachi's arm, her body slumping against his and her knees trembling with the effort of not succumbing to the pain and giving out. Somewhere in the distance - or is it nearby? The battle is so loud, she can't tell - there's a sound that is suspiciously similar to an exchange of words -
"Got one!"
"Good, now get the other."
The other... that means Shinpachi. She can't allow that to happen. She forces herself to loosen the stranglehold she has on his arm and straightens up, the sharp tang of her own blood filling her nostrils as she feels her body reject the bullet - somehow, it lands lightly on the ground and her feet, soaked in blood, and she's grateful because she doesn't want the wound to heal over with the bullet still inside her - and feels the telltale tingling of her skin starting to knit itself back together. It hurts, it hurts so much, but though her mind is still reeling from the pain her body isn't at the limit of what it can take.]
Nagakura-san. [Her voice sounds strained and a little weak, too quiet for anyone but him to hear, but there's a stubborn note in it that indicates she won't back down on this.] I'm going to draw their fire. [She knows, now, that he is so much more intelligent than he lets on. She knows that he'll know what to do with an enemy that is focusing their attention on a single target - knows that he'll recognize them for the sitting ducks they're about to be.
And she trusts him to cut them down quickly.
She lingers close to him for just one moment, because she feels safe at his side even when she's just been shot, but then she hears the sound of someone reloading their gun - how can she hear that, she wonders? - and she turns her head to glare at them sharply. She hears their intake of breath even from all the way over here.
Unbeknownst to her, her hair is starting to lighten - not unlike the rasetsu Shinpachi is familiar with. She hears a few scattered curses and then someone on their end barks out an order -
"Kill it!" It. They've already concluded she isn't human? She takes one step toward them and if this weren't such a dire situation she might find some amusement in the way they panic, because her hand resting on the hilt of her sword like she's going to personally slaughter them is mostly a bluff. But it works, because she can take a few more steps toward before they stop hesitating and open fire. "Kill it right now!"
Bullet after bullet rips into her and it's like slow motion - she can see them coming. Somehow, she knows which ones are safe to dodge (they won't hit Shinpachi if they don't hit her) and which ones she has to take (because she'd be an awful shield if she avoided injury herself and got him shot because of it).
She steps closer and closer to them as they continue to fire - maybe they'll just run out of bullets - and keeps her expression serious, grim, as their panic becomes more apparent because even though it hurts she isn't falling, she's just steadily continuing to advance on them as her body mends itself the way it was born to.
Every sting of a bullet is a relief. Because if it's her being shot, it isn't him.]
no subject
It's stupid, but it's almost like he freezes up when he sees it, when he spots her getting hit by the bullet, the sound she makes and the way she nearly collapses on him-- this really can't be happening. This is exactly what he was trying to avoid, and by the time he's enough aware of the situation again to be able to move he tries to grab her and support her.
But it's already too late, the bullet falls out, letting out a light chime as it hits the earth. Seeing her healing powers in action doesn't really surprise him - she did recover way quickly after that night when Sannan seriously injured her arm, after all - but the fact that she even got hurt to begin with is something he just can't let go. Here he is, a strong warrior, captain of one of the divisions of the Shinsengumi, everything he ever worked for-- and he's letting an innocent girl take bullets for him, even if it's not voluntarily.
And when she walks off and her hair changes color from night to snow, all he can think about is just how badly he wants to chase after her and grab her and pull her far away from this battlefield where she just doesn't belong. But he also knows that if he just storms after her, all her pain will have been for nothing - he'd just get them both killed. So even though he mentally curses himself and kicks the ground, Shinpachi knows that all he can do here to help her (and himself, but that's of lesser consequence right now) survive is fight dirty. Killing people from behind. Letting someone important to him who isn't even a warrior take blows in his place.
God, what is this battle doing to him?
But for now there's no time to reflect on it. Every moment he hesitates is another moment Chizuru suffers, so he's already moving, running until he's right behind the squad firing at the poor girl. And it only takes seconds before they're all bodies on the floor - striking two in one swing, then another, then another, his thrusts even stronger than usually since it contains all the hatred he can muster up for cowards who'd shoot at a girl even before they realised Chizuru is a little bit more than that.
There's only a brief moment where he allows himself after the strikes to make sure there isn't another one of those soldiers close by, but then he's already moving over to the girl. And without saying a word in advance, he grabs her with the arm that isn't carrying the blood-soaked sword, holding her so close to him that he presses her against his chest, holding onto her with an vice-like grip even if it's just one arm he's using, even if he's smeared with blood and dirt and cuts from the battle.
He doesn't care. He's not going to let go of her now and let her get hurt more, not when she's already taken so many bullets, not when it must have hurt so goddamn much--
For once, there's actual anguish visible in Shinpachi's eyes. And it's just this time, just as he's staring down at the girl he's so desperately clinging onto, like letting go of her might just kill her right now. He'll charge back into the battle in a few moments since he knows he can't abandon his men, but he can't just walk away from this and pretend nothing happened.
He can't. ]
Chizuru-chan.. [ His voice shakes a little, and then he grits his teeth. ] Dammit, don't you ever do that again..!
[ He sounds enraged, but it doesn't sound like it's aimed at her. Shinpachi throws temper tantrums way too often for anyone to not be able to tell when he's mad at them, and despite the anger, it's not him being mad at Chizuru.
He's mad at himself for letting this happen, he's mad at the Shinsengumi for even coming up with this idea, he's mad at the enemy soldiers for going after her rather than him. ]
no subject
But she can still move -
This won't kill her, she's okay -
Then Shinpachi grabs her, holds her tight against his chest and she feels her face crumple. She doesn't want him to see that, though, because just him having to see the way she proves that she isn't human is hard enough, and she presses her face against his chest, paying no mind to the blood or the dirt there. God knows there's enough blood on her anyway, staining her clothing as the wounds begin to heal over. She winces, because this time it's not quite so thorough, this time some of the skin starts to scab over before the bullets are out and she knows, knows that is going to hurt.
She's dizzy, with relief and with pain. Her vision blurs with tears and she makes a soft noise as she tries to blink them away, but it doesn't quite work.]
I... [She sounds dazed.] I'm sorry...
[Because she can't give him the answer he wants to hear. Don't you ever do that again requires her to abandon her duty as his shield and as much as this hurts she knows it would be so much worse if she had let even a single one of the lead balls to find itself buried in Shinpachi's flesh.
This hurts so badly. Shinpachi still has things he needs to do, a battle he needs to win. His men are depending on him...
She gasps, her head snapping up to look at his face. His men... She wants to stay here like this but she knows that's not possible. Not with the battle still raging around them, not with the rank-and-file soldiers laying down their lives... they're trying their best, giving their all. She has to, too.]
The battle, [She whispers, even as one of her hands tightly grips his haori. She doesn't want him to let go of her, but she knows he has to. She shudders.] Nagakura-san, it's not over...
[And she would do the same thing all over again - even with her current wounds - if it meant keeping him safe. It's a very real possibility. She doesn't care; she'll survive. As long as he's okay, it's worth it no matter how dazed with pain she becomes.]
no subject
Of course he hasn't forgotten the battle - it's impossible here in the thick of the smoke and the gunshots ringing out in the distance constantly - but he's trying to think of a quick way to deal with this in his mind. How does he fight this battle and keep Chizuru safe if she's exactly the one who isn't intending to stay safe while he's trying to fight his way through? It's already seemingly impossible enough without further distractions.
His head leans down, whispering in a low tone, something only meant for her ears as she's right there with his arm wrapped around her. ]
If a bullet threatens my life, then I know I can't stop you, but don't feel so obliged to take everything for me. I'm a tough kinda guy, I can take at least two of those. [ That's probably a bluff, and he knows it, but on the other hand, maybe if he has the time to dodge just enough to make them not land in an area that's too critical.. ] I won't tell Hijikata-san or anyone else. We can say it was an accident.
[ He lets out a tired breath. ]
So.. c'mon, don't do something like this to a guy like me.
[ Don't look so sad and so hurt, don't take the pain that's meant for him, he's a warrior, he's been willing to lay down his life if he'd have to since the very beginning. She didn't choose that kind of life, he did, so he can't bear to see her suffer in his place.
He's apparently not taking any verbal protests to that though, since the next moment he's letting go of her (still supporting her for a brief moment to make sure her wounds did heal enough for her to stand) and running off into battle once more. He knows she'll follow, that's not what he's worried about. If she didn't have that kind of stubborn dedication to a cause, they wouldn't have this problem to begin with. But he figures she can't step inbetween him and the enemy soldiers if he's quick enough, so he runs up to any he can find that aren't aiming straight at him, cutting them down when he's able to. It's a lot harder to focus on battle when he has to remember at the same time to make sure Chizuru stays back, to protect her from herself, but--
Once he's gotten past the first few lines of enemies, he just gapes as the sight in front of them. There's so many bodies mowed down, and still a few more trying to storm the proper enemy lines up ahead. But every single one is being shot down before they can even get close - their guns are even better than the soldiers he encountered on the battle field so far with Chizuru, being able to shoot across a great distance.
(And he recognizes so many of the faces of the fallen, practically all of them, and the more he looks the more he realises just how much of the second division is left, who's still there, because it's almost like every single one of them is lying there lifelessly.
There's nothing worse than the feeling of realising something really is well and truly lost - mostly because Shinpachi hasn't had that feeling much in his life, he's always tried to find some way around it, but even he knows that charging to the enemy lines there won't mean anything but him joining those bodies - but he sure is feeling it as he's staring at the field ahead now.
He's so lost in the shock for a moment that he forgets all about Chizuru being there with him, instead just staring as he tries to think of what to do.
(Pulling back is the only sensible option, retreating and telling Hijikata this can't be saved, but when has he ever done that?) ]
no subject
"Don't do something like this to a guy like me."
She is no warrior, that much is for sure. So maybe she'll never fully understand how terrible it feels to watch a civilian running headlong into danger the way Shinpachi has had to watch her. But she does know the guilt of letting a dear friend take a blow for her, and just remembering it makes her stomach churn.
...if it's anything like that, then...
There is guilt ingrained deeply into her expression. She knows how awful it feels to watch someone get hurt trying to protect her; it must be a blow to Shinpachi's honor, she knows that, and yet... maybe it's selfish of her, but she doesn't want to lose him. She doesn't want to hurt him either, though, and she's stuck between two irreconcilable goals: save his honor and save his life.
Is the fact that she's so willing to choose his life over his honor just proof of how incredibly different they are? Man, woman, warrior, civilian, human, demon... They just keep piling up. She wants to stay by his side, but she wonders if that, too, would cause him pain.
But there is no time for wondering, because he's on the move again and it's all she can do to keep him in her sights. She has to stay close by so she can protect him - but he's trying to protect her - and her heart nearly stops as she sees him strike down soldier after soldier. He is quick and sharp and strong, and of course he comes out of it alive, but if even one man with a gun had enough time to take aim before they tasted his blade...
If he got hurt because she wasn't able to keep up...
Why, why can't she be strong enough to protect him without that protection hurting him?
She nearly lets out a sigh of relief when Shinpachi finally comes to a stop, because if he's not moving that means she can make it to his side. She crosses the distance as quickly as her wounds allow and is utterly unprepared for the sight that had stopped him in his tracks.
No...
She looks on in horror at the sea of corpses and injured men and flinches as a round of cannonfire and gunfire cuts into a group of men and sends them falling to the ground. It's too much. There's - there's no way they can win this. Maybe Shinpachi can think of a way, but Chizuru is no battlefield tactician and seeing these men falling one after another sends her into a blind panic, and she reaches for his arm to hold onto it tightly because if he runs out in there ahead of her like he did minutes before he could be next and she can't allow that to happen.
It must be so much worse for him, she thinks. He recognizes the fallen. They're his men.
...and it's for that very reason she can't voice the obvious We need to go. She would never allow someone to drag her away from the scene, if it was her comrades (when did she start thinking of them this way? They can't think the same about her...) out there - if she was watching Heisuke and Harada charge the line, and then watching them fall; if she was seeing Saitou be cut down with a burst of cannonfire, no honorable battle at all; if she was there to witness Okita crumple to the ground, never to get up again... And Hijikata, and Kondou, and Sannan and all the others...
She wouldn't leave them. She can't ask Shinpachi to leave his men, either. She isn't a warrior but she recognizes that much - and yet, she can't risk him joining them, which is why her hold on his arm never loosens, not even for a second.]
Can... [She swallows thickly, looking up at him uncertainly.] Is there... anything we can...?
[He is the warrior; he knows battlefields. If he says they still have a chance of winning, that means they have a chance, and she'll do whatever she can to help him win. But if even he acknowledges this is a lost cause... then she can't just let him waste his life, but she can't do this to him, can't force him to abandon his men although so many of them have already perished -
...he has to live, somehow. She has to make him live. If he continues to fight, she'll be there at his side. She'll never let him die before she does.]
no subject
And.. well, if he's entirely truthful with himself, this just is an impossible situation. There just is nothing to be done about it. The sight of bodies dressed in blue hues everywhere is proof enough of that. If none of them could lay even a single hand on the enemy, then even Shinpachi won't be able to do the same before the many bullets nearly rip his body apart.
He glances sideways at the girl clinging to his arm, his expression a little hard to read compared to usually. Usually his emotions show so easily and naturally without even having to think about it, but this sight makes so many emotions rise up in him that he just looks like he's trying to hold most of them back from bursting out on the spot when, even if his men are gone, she at least still needs his guidance.
He swallows thickly. ]
.. No. [ It's the worst thing to admit. There's nothing he can do. Even though he's been training all his life to become as strong as he has, even though the Shinsengumi are known for fighting even in the most desperate situations, there's nothing he can do. Probably not even if he used her as his shield, but even now he's purposefully not even entertaining the thought of that. ] We should retreat and report this to Hijikata-san and the others. [ And figure the hell out what they're even going to do from here.
He glances into the distance again - the enemies with their guns far away from them, the many bodies on the floor, the blood all over them just like it's all over him as well.
(But he's alive and they're dead, and they're the men he's been training with, patrolling with, laughing with, drinking with, and he'd trust every single last one of them with his life if he'd have to, otherwise they wouldn't have been worthy of being called men of his division. And turning his back on something that means so much to him is one of the most painful decisions he's ever had to make.
But they're dead and he can't do a thing for them anymore, while Chizuru is very much alive and needs him to get out of here, especially with how many bullets she's had to endure already.
So his decision is made.) ]
They haven't spotted us yet, so let's go. [ His voice is soft and not just to make sure they don't get spotted after all, but also since he just can't find the power to raise his voice right now, not while he's still trying to process the loss.
Shinpachi turns, making her do the same with how she's clinging to his arm, and the moment she lets go - he would love to give her a reassuring smile right now, to tell her everything is going to be okay like usually but it's so not okay that he just can't - he starts running back in the direction of the headquarters, making sure she's keeping up and not leaving his side. He can't afford to lose anything more now. ]
no subject
She wishes there was something she could do. Perhaps she's clung to humanity too tightly - if she were fully trained in the use of her demonic speed and strength, if here healing capabilities were just a little better... could she have helped change the outcome of this? Maybe she would have been acknowledged as a warrior; maybe then it wouldn't hurt him to have her help. Maybe she could have wiped out all those men who had struck down the Second Division before they did so much as load their firearms.
But that's wishful thinking, and it isn't going to help anyone. It doesn't change the fact that while her bloodline is impressive, her mastery of the skills it provides her with is nonexistent.
She doesn't see how this is going to be alright, and while she would dearly love to believe that it will - she just can't. When she loosens her hold on his arm so that he can go, it strikes her that she's glad Shinpachi isn't offering her any empty words about everything being alright; it would feel like a lie, and this is awful enough already, she doesn't want to feel like he's lying to her on top of it all...
She takes off after him, feet pounding on the ground and her breathing somewhat labored - her stamina has gotten better since she became more active in the Shinsengumi's affairs but she's still hurt, and the wounds are still fresh and raw, even though they've started to heal; too much jostling could reopen them. But she can't lag behind. They have to make it back to headquarters, and it almost looks as though they will, but about halfway there a sharp pain shoots through her side and she doubles over in pain.]
Nagakura-san, I'm sorry, I need to--
[She looks up, expecting to see him, and she does. But there's something else between them - the silver of a sharp blade, and she blinks at it before following the blade to the hilt, the hilt to the hand holding it, and then all the way up to the wielder's face...
Her blood runs cold. Kazama.
She didn't even see or hear him coming, but he's appeared as if from nowhere and has his blade between her and Shinpachi as if to keep them separated. He sneers as he looks in the direction they've come from, then to Shinpachi, then the direction they're going to.]
So you turned tail and ran... [Chizuru starts to protest, but he dismisses it before she even has the chance to get the words out with a scoff.] Tch... I was right nothing from you. [One hand grabs her upper arm roughly - she lets out a gasp of pain because that was the location of one of the bullet wounds, and Kazama removes his hand only long enough to examine the blood on it that had soaked through her top.] Pathetic. Hurry back to your master, dog. I'll be taking her off your hands. [He grabs her again, this time by the lower arm so as to not aggravate her wound further, but Chizuru flinches at his touch and tries to tug her arm free. Predictably, it's no good.]
I'm not going anywhere with you..!
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
CHAPTER 5
After arriving in Edo via ship from Osaka, the Shinsengumi rest at the Kama Inn. Chizuru helps Shinpachi cope with the fact that he's a rasetsu now while he tries to hide it from the others. Meanwhile, Sannan gets more and more persistent about using Chizuru and her demon blood to make the rasetsu stronger, making the tension between tensions run higher between Shinpachi and the rest of the Shinsengumi when he finds out. After a crushing defeat at Koufu Castle as the Kouyou Regulatory Company, Shinpachi butts heads with Kondou one last time before deciding he's going to leave the Shinsengumi if they keep treating him and mostly Chizuru this way, taking her and Sano, who ends up following his best friend, with him.
no subject
It is no pleasure cruise, that much is certain. The men's spirits are all incredibly low; she can't really blame them, though. Her own spirits are low, too, and her thoughts keep drifting back to the battlefield, the vial of ochimizu, the sight of Shinpachi standing before Kazama as a rasetsu...
Other worries nag at her all through the trip, as well. The secret she and Shinpachi share weighs heavily on her, but she promised she wouldn't tell, so all she can do is stick as close to him as he'll allow while they're at sea, hoping to be able to help conceal any - anything strange that might happen, and to help Shinpachi is he ever feels weak or tired. Luck, which had seemed to have abandoned them, is with them, though, and now their ship is docking and everyone is in motion as they prepare to disembark. Chizuru thinks they've done it, that they've managed to keep everyone from finding out, and of course she immediately seeks Shinpachi out as they gather their things and the first batch of men leaves the ship.]
Nagakura-san! [She smiles brightly up at him - because yes, she's worried for him, but he's always smiled when he was worried for her and she sincerely hopes that it helps ease his burden, to act the way she always has around him, as if there's nothing wrong and he's still human. Because it doesn't really matter to her that he's a rasetsu. Shinpachi is Shinpachi, and he's still the man she made a promise with despite having taken the ochimizu.]
It's going to be so nice to be on dry land again... don't you think?
no subject
Not to mention that Chizuru helps a lot. She's trying to help him and smile even when everyone else is feeling like shit, and it only cements his choice of deciding to save her as the right one. You just don't meet a girl like that all the time, it'd be extremely cruel for someone that good to have to endure something that bad.
But despite the help and despite the fact he managed to hide it, he's extremely glad to be bad on land and out in the open again. It makes his body finally relax a little more despite the sun being fully out.
He grabs some of the boxes on the ship to carry them off when he sees her approach, giving her a thin smile in reply to her own. ]
Yeah. I don't think I can stand seein' anyone else getting sea sick again. [ As if that's the worst of the circumstances on the ship, but he's trying to keep things light for now.
-- Besides, maybe it's a little strange, but he finds himself wanting to talk to her. Maybe since she's one of the people most capable of cheering him up right now, especially with Heisuke and Sano carrying their own burdens already and having no idea about just what happened to him out there since he didn't even dare to tell them. ]
Wanna help me get some stuff off here? If you can grab that bag with my things over there, we can bring it to my room at the new place to stay. It shouldn't be too heavy.
[ He hopes she did at least manage to get some rest on the ship despite circumstances, especially with the kind of wounds she suffered. ]
no subject
[The lighter topic is appreciated, though it still makes her heart clench a little uncomfortably - because thinking of the seasickness makes her think of Yamazaki, who would normally have been the one to look after them... but he hadn't made it. They're losing so many good men, and it makes her feel that much more grateful that she was able to help keep Shinpachi alive.
...that feels selfish, though, because she's still not really sure if he wants to live like this, or if he's merely continuing to go on out of obligation. That's a question she's terrified of finding out the answer to, and she doesn't want to think of it - not when things are difficult enough already - so she takes solace in speaking with him like normal whenever she can.
The request for help makes her brighten considerably, and a more genuine smile touches her lips. At least he doesn't seem to want to push her away. She appreciates that he's willing to let her spend time with him despite how tired he must be.]
Of course! [She turns in the direction of his bag and heads over to pick it up, then carefully arranges it so none of his things will get damaged as she walks. Soon enough, she returns to his side, and once they both have a grip on their things it's an easy enough matter for them to head down the gangplank to the docks and then into the city streets.]
Ah... it's been so long since I was last here. Oh, watch your step! [She nearly stumbles on a loose stone, and turns to be sure that Shinpachi, carrying those boxes, doesn't stumble himself.] ...I think Hijikata-san said we'll be staying at the Kama Inn... I can't say I've ever been there before. Have you, Nagakura-san?
no subject
He quickly forces down the thought so he'll be able to keep up a smile at least in front of her. It has the added benefit that any other member of the Shinsengumi who sees them pass by and talk as they get onto the docks and walk into the city will think they're acting just like normal despite the bad mood. This way he can convince others he's still normal, this way they might inspire some morale into people who could use it--
It's what keeps his feet moving step by step, narrowly dodging the loose stone when she points it out and shifting the boxes in his hold a little to be able to carry them more easily. ]
Nah. I've lived here in Edo most of my life before all of us came to Kyoto, so I never really had to stay in an inn or whatever. [ It's weirdly nostalgic to be back here. Not that he has ties that strong to his family - sure, he cares about them, but not enough to want to be around them all the time instead of just live his own life - but there's just something weird about returning to his hometown yet having nothing be the same.
(Don't focus on that, he tries to tell himself, forcing down the sick feeling emerging in his stomach.) ]
Did he manage to get you your own room after all? It's probably gonna be pretty cramped.
[ They might have lost quite a number back at Toba Fushimi, but that doesn't mean there aren't still a lot of soldiers travelling as the Shinsengumi. ]
no subject
[She's heard of some of the inns, of course, despite never setting foot in them; not every patient her father had ever seen was a native of Edo. Most of them were, but some of them were travelers who had taken ill while in the city, and when they couldn't make it to his clinic he had sometimes gone to visit them at their lodgings. Chizuru hadn't really accompanied him; it was one thing for her to help him out when they were operating out of their home, but showing up as an assistant when she's had no real medical training would be something else entirely.
(She might be able to do so now, but... is it too late? When is she ever going to see her father again? ...and even if he does survive this war... knowing what she knows now about his involvement with the rasetsu, she has to wonder if he'll ever be content to going back to treating human ailments.)
His question brings a look of worry to her face, and she looks down.]
I'm not... sure. But, it doesn't feel right for me to get my own room when there's so little space. [She knows she's a girl - the captains know she's a girl - but the rank-and-file soldiers don't know she's a girl, and things are going to be difficult enough to manage without any added resentment or animosity over her seeming to get special treatment. She worries her lip.
It would definitely feel improper to have her share with a larger group, and if she's not kept apart someone really might find out about her gender, and they don't need any issues with morale now of all times...]
no subject
And.. well, maybe it's just the fact that he's letting all these promises pile up to a point where he'll soon do just about anything for her, he's sure, but he does know he promised that he'd make everything alright. So if she's making a worried face like that, the very least he can do is try to help out by offering a simple solution. It's no effort to him at all, after all. ]
Don't worry 'bout it. [ If he had any hands free, he might have nudged her shoulder a little or something as he said it. ] I doubt Hijikata-san's gonna shove you into a room with the regular soldiers, but if he does try to, just tell him that I offered for you to stay with me.
[ In his room, yes. Shinpachi's a lot less quick to flip out over a girl being in his room than Heisuke, although it's mostly due to his sheer obliviousness.. ]
At worst I'll be roomed with Sano and I doubt he's gonna mind you staying with us either. But I'll probably have my own room, so then there shouldn't be any trouble.
[ Having Chizuru, someone who's in on his secret, as his roommate is a lot easier than any other alternative, anyway. One thing he's noticed the past few days that it's so terribly difficult for him now to sleep the whole night through, he just keeps waking up and feeling wide awake every hour or so, even when he's exhausted to hell and back during the day. ]
no subject
[The offer surprises her - if only because, while she knows well enough by now that Shinpachi really would do everything in his power to make her feel more comfortable about basically anything, she also remembers how embarrassed he'd gotten that time he had brought her a brazier and then fallen asleep... but then she smiles a little, because that just goes to show how far they've come. He trusts her to be in a position where she might witness that again.
...and he trusts her to be around when, as a rasetsu, he'll probably be wide awake. She knows he's going to try and keep as normal a schedule as possible, but Heisuke and Sannan had always been much more awake when the moon was up; she can't help but wonder if it's the same for him, too. Both his face in slumber and his face lit up by moonlight are things that he actually trusts her to see.]
Actually... um, Nagakura-san.
[She starts to say something, and then hesitates. What she wants to ask is incredibly forward. Should she keep quiet? ...or should she ask it anyway?
She asks it anyway, looking up at him earnestly.]
Even if he does find me my own room... could I stay with you anyway? The others could have more space, or maybe we could save some money by not needing that extra room at all, and I'd like to spend time with you... [Her cheeks flush a little just by speaking the words.] That is, if you don't mind...!
no subject
And this is definitely a case of the latter, since after that moment of staring, he just seems to shrug off the suggestion like water off a duck's back. ]
Why would I mind? [ Even if Shinpachi sucks when it comes to feelings until they hit him straight on the head, there's no doubt in his mind that Chizuru is important to him, at least. Otherwise he wouldn't have made those promises with her and done his best to live up to them at all times, even throwing away his humanity - the last thing he thought he'd ever do - for her without much hesitation at that moment.
And if she really wants to stay with him, then.. well, who would he be to deny her that? It's not like he realises just yet that it's probably more safe for her to be with him, anyway, but even just for her emotional comfort he wouldn't turn down a request like that. ]
If you wanna stay with me, then you're gonna stay with me, it's as simple as that. If Hijikata-san or anyone else protests, then they can just stick it up their ass.
[ SHINPACHI, NOT IN FRONT OF A GIRL.. at least he does seem to realise that after a moment, coughing a little awkwardly. ]
Uh, I mean-- .. you know.
[ Smooth. ]
no subject
That smile becomes even brighter as he continues - If you wanna say with me, then you're gonna stay with me. There aren't many things in life that are that simple, but when Shinpachi says it's as simple as that, that's another thing she can believe. This man has a way of making the things he says into reality, anyway, and that's something she really admires about him.
She has to shift what she's carrying into the crook of her arm to bring a hand up to muffle her giggle when he corrects himself, though.]
Then... when we get there, I'll tell him. [Not to stick it up his ass, of course - her cheeks flush little when she realizes it could be taken that way, and she fumbles for a moment to try to find the right words to add to rid the statement of any ambiguity.] ...that I'm going to be with you.
[Even while blushing, she's still smiling; the fact that he's so willing to let her stay by his side warms her heart, and that's visible in - well, everything. The way her steps are less subdued, the way she's straightened up instead of hunched over like she's trying to make herself as small and unobtrusive as possible, and the way that there's still a smile on her face even when she lapses into silence while they continue their trek to the inn.
It isn't too long before they arrive, and soon enough each of them is being shown to their rooms so they can unpack. Chizuru dutifully follows after Shinpachi and, once the door is rolled away to reveal the room, she sets his bag down in one corner along with her own things and holds out her arms to Shinpachi for one of the boxes he's been carrying this whole way.]
Here, let me help. We'll get it done very quickly if we work together.
no subject
(It's a little strange, the thought, but somehow there's a part of him that almost feels like it could keep on going forever as long as she would still put that smile on her face, even in their silences.)
If some people whisper about them going into a room together (isn't the boy supposed to be Hijikata's page, or the captains who are actually in on Chizuru's secret joking at him like Sano, who would have earned an elbow nudge if Shinpachi's arms weren't currently occupied by the boxes) then the man sure didn't seem to care and just ignores it for the most part until they're in there together.
He looks at Chizuru for a moment, as if he's judging whether she'd be able to handle one, but he wants to at least let her try rather than disappoint her, so he lowers the boxes a little bit so she can grab the top one. ]
Careful, they're heavy. [ So one at a time, okay, only he's allowed to carry more than that..!
By the time she grabs it off the pile, he moves to put down the other ones, letting out a loud sigh. It's only now that he realises just how exhausted he feels, having carried those boxes all the way through the sun. Shinpachi sinks to the floor - not completely out of his own control, but one he initiates the movement, it sure goes faster than he imagines - only to sit with his back leaning against one of the boxes.
He grabs one of the ends of his headband, tugging on it until it comes undone, and then he uses it to try and wipe some of the excessive sweat that's formed on his forehead off. Damn, he sure is pathetic, having this much trouble with just bringing a few boxes here, something that would have been easy for him otherwise.
At least he doesn't feel too bad about looking like this in front of her. He still has his pride, so of course he's not 100% okay with looking pathetic in front of anyone, let alone a girl, but at least she knows his secret. He has to keep up the act in front of everyone else, after all.
He wants to reassure her though, so he shoots her a tiny smile. ]
Sure is hot out there, huh. [ As if that's the only cause. ]
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
i'm so mad i swear to god last time i checked i had posted a reply
dw is trying to stop the route from happening...
dw can't handle the heartbreak
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
budget cut tag because i lost this tag like three times augh i'm sorry
sshh it's okay also that font color is teal so you don't have to look it up..
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
CHAPTER 6
Sano and Shinpachi form a new group, the Seiheitai. They plan on travelling north to Aizu to join up with the other forces once Edo Castle surrenders and Shinpachi expresses his worries about taking her along into battle like this all the time, especially since he doesn't know when the war will even end. However, Chizuru doesn't let herself be persuaded and decides to stick by his side no matter what. As the group tries to leave Edo, they find the city surrendered, and during the Battle of Ueno Sano is severely injured by enemy gunfire. Chizuru and Shinpachi stay by his bedside, but his wounds only worsen since he, unlike Shinpachi, isn't a rasetsu, and two days later Sano dies. Chizuru tries to console Shinpachi, but then...
CHAPTER 7
Having decided to stay together no matter what with their new bond, Chizuru and Shinpachi sneak out of Edo to travel to the north once they hear of Hijikata setting up the Ezo Republic there, regretting earlier bad blood. Their journey is a slow one because of the imperial forces having taken over everywhere though, and before they fully make it to Hakodate they hear the news of Hijikata's death. Knowing the only remains of their time with the Shinsengumi are each other, the two instead go to find Kodo and the secrets behind the rasetsu in an attempt to prolong Shinpachi's life. They manage to find Chizuru's father among the ruins of the old village of the Yukimura, but the man has already been driven mad after the loss of practically all his rasetsu during the war. There's no choice left but to put him down, but with his dying breath he reveals the secret of the water near the village.
(or something with kazama idek this is just filler for now until we've done the rest)
EPILOGUE
Shinsengumi Memorial, Itabashi