[ The euphoria that he actually managed to get a hit in on the demon despite the current state of his shoulder doesn't last long. He doesn't get scared or anything when Kazama shows his true form (because this is Shinpachi, he just doesn't get scared ever) but there's still the fact there's little he can do in return once the demon starts attacking with more and more fury behind each slash. He tries to block the strikes, but they just come so quickly and with such strength that it's a half-done effort. And Shinpachi only gets slower and slower the more he gets hit - blood wells up from cuts on every part of his body, his haori completely soaked with blood and little more than shreds that are barely still hanging together at this point. He wants to tell Chizuru to stop when she runs in as well, but at that point he's already practically lost the strength to, having been forced to his knees and then finally to the ground. Every part of his body hurts (as evidenced by the fact he can hardly move, although he's still trying to do so, since he has to get back at Kazama somehow, he can't let it end like this) and his breathing is incredibly uneven as he lies there, fighting to at least keep his eyesight, to make sure he doesn't pass out.
It's pretty pathetic that it's all he can do, but on the other hand, it's practically a small miracle that he's still alive after all those blows.
When he thinks the final strike is going to happen, it doesn't come. Instead he feels a force on his head, fingers digging into his hair, and his face is lifted from the floor only to meet Kazama's gaze. Shinpachi can't force his body to still do much of anything at this point (and it's so incredibly aggravating) but the least he can do is still glare at the demon even now, even in his current state. Resistance until the very end, even if it's in pathetically small ways.
But then he still isn't finished off. Instead the man slowly starts to understand what Kazama is doing when he walks off and towards Chizuru instead. He's intending to leave him like this (although that doesn't give him a too great chance of survival anyway with the rate he's bleeding at unless someone happens to stumble upon him, but he's not even thinking of his own state of being right now) and take Chizuru with him. No--
He tries to gather every single last shred of strength left in his body, tells his body to move, to get up, to save her already. But it's impossible, his body is completely at its limit. Even now she's calling out for him (even now she's thinking about him rather than about herself) and he feels so incredibly pathetic and weak for not even being able to save her, the most brave and selfless girl he's ever known.
Shinpachi has to save her, he knows it, he can't just let her be taken away since they made a promise, dammit, but there's nothing he can do, he'd already be lucky enough to just walk out of this with his life but as he is right now he can't even reach for his sword--
In a desperate attempt to get up that of course fails and makes him fall back onto the earth again, he hears a very dull clunk against the ground. It takes him a moment to realise what it is, but then he realises it. Right before he left he had an argument about the ochimizu as well, and even though he insisted on not taking it with him he did have the bottle in his hands when he had to quickly head out, he must have slipped it into his clothes so he could put it back later (or smash it on the floor when no one would be looking).
...
That means there is a chance.
An extremely cruel chance. He doesn't want to take it, even now. He never wanted to take it before. He hates the ochimizu and all it stands for, he hates the idea that people are being turned into rasetsu, he would be fine with dying, that's what a warrior is supposed to do, but he always said he'd never become one of those under any circumstances.
If this situation was any different, if it was just about him, he would have let himself bleed out right here. But this isn't just about him, it's also about Chizuru and the fate she's got ahead of her, being handled as nothing more than something to produce babies by that demon against her will--
He made a promise.
He made a promise.
He made a promise.
The more he repeats it in his head, the more the possibility is starting to seem real. (And the more he starts to hate himself, little by little.)
Knowing he has no choice, he weakly tries to get the bottle out of the folds of his clothing and closer to his face, fumbling to even get it open. He stares at the liquid and his stomach turns, but he knows there's no other choice. He'll die anyway. And Chizuru has been so selfless, throwing herself into harm's way for him, getting herself hurt so much that she almost cried. He's be a pathetic guy to not take it - although he still knows it's no excuse, not to him.
Shutting down all of his thoughts, Shinpachi brings the bottle to his lips and pours the contents straight into his mouth, swallowing thickly.
A surge runs through him and it's one of the most aggravating things he's ever felt, like his body is changing, like the blood in his body is boiling and then suddenly goes ice cold, and pieces of flesh and cuts start to mend until Kazama's beating is hardly visible if it wouldn't be for Shinpachi's clothing giving it away. His eyes go from blue to red, his hair turning white as snow.
And as he transforms into something different, Shinpachi grabs his sword and rises to his feet again.
(Don't think about the way it feels so awful, don't think about how much you hate yourself for doing this, don't think of anything but what you're doing this for, her and the promise you made, he tells himself, and he grits his teeth.
Time to be the biggest pretender.) ]
Turn around and put her down. [ At first his voice is at a normal volume, but then as he speaks up again, it rises, almost like a growl. ] This isn't over yet..!
[Chizuru sees Shinpachi move and, in spite of the way Kazama is steadily carrying her off, starts to feel some relief; if he can move, that means he might survive. But then her face pales as she sees him bring something to her lips -
Sees a glint of light against glass -
He's already downed the ochimizu before she can scream for him not to. Not Shinpachi. Please god, not Shinpachi. She wants him to live - desperately wants him to live - but not like that, not when he's already made his thoughts on the matter of rasetsu quite clear, she doesn't want him to have to go through that for her sake. Someone might have been able to find him and treat him so he could go about his life as a human, but now...
...he's taken the ochimizu and the way he grabs his sword and addresses Kazama makes it seem like it's for her sake...
Her stomach churns with guilt and she can't do much more than stare at him, horrified, as Kazama lazily turns to look over his shoulder.]
Hn. [He almost sounds surprised, though the look on his face is one of disdain. He knows little of Shinpachi personally, but... he does so detest these fake, man-made creatures that are neither demon nor human.] You must be truly desperate...
[But he finds little admirable about the desperation. This battle is already lost. Shinpachi can demand that Kazama put his bride down all he wants, but drinking the ochimizu won't be enough to stop him from taking her. It was always little more than a matter of time. Even his transformation into a rasetsu bothers him very little - in spite of the fact that it really should. As a human, this man had wounded him. The rasetsu are false demons, but they are stronger than your average human...
But of course, demonic strength far outstrips anything that accursed concoction could muster up.
He does not set her down, but he does turn to face Shinpachi fully and draws his blade - but does not yet strike.]
Go on. I'll be glad to show you how futile this attempt of yours is.
[ Everything feels so different. The sun has for the most part already gone under after the long battle out there today, but he can still feel the last fading rays even if they're still hardly visible with a bare eye. Not to mention the blood on his haori is getting increasingly more distracting as well as the scent of it fills his nosetrills, standing out more than anything else right now. But he knows he can't focus on any of that, what he needs to focus on now is making Kazama let go of Chizuru with his newfound power or it'll all for nothing anyway. Sure, he might not have much of a chance against him as a human, but he did manage to cut him -- so maybe this time he has an actual chance.
Especially since he has something to fight for.
So without wasting another word, he's already charging at the demon, making sure that he's aiming for the side he isn't carrying Chizuru on since hurting the girl in the process of attacking Kazama is the last thing he'd want to do. But still, he's striking hard and fast, more so than he's ever done before. There's a new sort of strength running through his body and he's hitting harder, actually managing to drive Kazama back a step or two with a click of the demon's tongue. Not enough to have such a clear victory over the other the way the demon forced him onto the floor, but at least it's got to mean he's not helpless anymore, that he at least can do something.
He hates that it had to come to this, but he can't show weakness in front of Kazama, so instead he forces a grin. Maybe somehow bravado will be enough to get rid of the other, although he isn't hoping for much in this case. ]
I told you to put her down, didn't I?! The one who's gonna take care of her is me..!
[ He downed the ochimizu, so that might as well mean he's taken that responsibility upon him. He'll protect Chizuru from whatever there is - enemy troops, Kazama, even the rest of the Shinsengumi if they start wanting to use her more in this kind of way. To think all of that snowballed from one promise-- well, whatever, everyone always says he takes things way too far anyway. ]
[It's clear enough that Shinpachi doesn't want to hurt Chizuru. Kazama could use her as a shield - shift so that she's in the path of his blade so that his opponent will have to hesitate - but such a tactic is beneath him; even if this man is a rasetsu now, he is a demon. He needs no sneaky tricks to overcome him. His own strength is more than enough.
...and yet. Shinpachi's strikes drive him back - clearly he won't be able to do this one-handed any longer. He drops Chizuru unceremoniously and she slumps over on the ground, winded. As she looks up, Kazama starts swinging his sword to fight back against Shinpachi's strikes.
Her stomach nearly drops out as she watches them. Shinpachi, his hair white like snow and eyes red like blood, facing down Kazama, who had laid waist to him moments before and would do it again, if he could. She's terrified for his sake - not just because he might lose his life, but even if he lives... he's become one of the creatures he was so against creating. How can she ever make up for the fact that he had to go so far just to save her?
He's outright said it, "The one who's gonna take care of her is me," and that knowledge cuts like a knife.
She was supposed to protect him, but right now he and Kazama are locked in a battle of whirling blades and she can barely muster up the strength to sit up.
There is the clash of metal on metal and the horrifying sound of swords biting into flesh. Kazama grits his teeth, but doesn't falter in his return strikes, the cut skin already beginning to knit itself back together even as his own blood runs down his arm in rivulets. It's galling, for Shinpachi to have landed a blow not once but twice.]
You won't be taking care of anyone, [He snarls as he brings his arm back to prepare for another lunge.] Unless you're doing it from beyond the grave!
[ It's a relief, having Chizuru out of the way. Even if he trusts his aim enough, there's still the possibility Kazama might dodge in the wrong direction or do something really dirty and put her in the way by purpose, and at least those small chances are gone as well now she's on the floor, even though he's sure she must have been hurt again because of it. He'll look at her later and help her for sure, but he doesn't exactly have time for that now when parrying Kazama's strikes is taking absolutely all of his focus.
(If this was any other situation, one where he didn't have to turn into a rasetsu, then he might have actually enjoyed this battle, one where he's just fighting someone one on one and not being sure at all if he'll even win.)
The odds are still on Kazama's side since he does manage to strike Shinpachi more often than the man manages to strike Kazama - the difference between a demon and someone who's only halfway there - but it doesn't mean as much when every single time Kazama's sword digs into his flesh there's only that momentary pain he's used to anyway after so many battles before the wound closes itself like it never even existed. If there's anything annoying about it then it's the fact that the scent of blood is filling his mind, but he tries to shove it to the background and focus on fighting, winning - he's not so sure how he's going to win from Kazama's superior strength yet, but he'll find a way. He'll drive him off somehow and take Chizuru back safely, it's all he can think about.
Shinpachi only manages to block the demon's attack half, and the edge of the blade still cuts a fine line across his chest, the wound knitting itself together easily. ]
Like hell I went this far just to lose from you..! [ He pulls his katana back only to have it meet Kazama's when he swings it forwards again, the sound of steel on steel resounding between the trees. Shinpachi realises too that they might as well be here all day at this rate, or until Shinpachi's body gives up on healing, but it's not like he sees a clear opening or opportunity to end this quickly either. Chizuru must not be able to get up either with the way she's just there on the floor.. damn, even the hardest thing he's ever done wasn't the easy way out, huh? ]
[Kazama is in no rush to finish this quickly. On the contrary, he seems almost eager to draw this out, for Shinpachi to exhaust every single option, so that he'll realize that the strength of a false demon is nowhere near enough to overcome a true one. The longer this takes, the more he'll be able to hammer it home that Shinpachi can't win, and that - rather than merely killing him or leaving him to die, as he had attempted in his rage over being struck by a mere human - is something he doesn't mind spending his time on.
The humans fighting the battle proper can take care of their own affairs. This is a human war, not a demon war, and he considers his debt to the Satsuma long since repaid. His interest lies more in stamping out the rasetsu he so despises, crushing the hopes of the Shinsengumi he has become so interested in, and absconding with a female demon worthy to bear his children.
He draws his sword back once more and - ]
That's enough. [This time, neither his sword nor Shinpachi's connects with steel or draws blood. Amagiri is suddenly there between them in the blink of an eye, having caught each of their blades in a different hand. His expression is somewhat disapproving - both of the appearance of yet another rasetsu and of Kazama's dallying to toy with him.] It is time to go.
[Kazama sneers and his eyes narrow into slits.] Amagiri...
[Amagiri holds Kazama's gaze for a few long moments and something passes between them silently before Kazama finally relents and nods once, sharply. The red-haired demon releases his sword so that it can be sheathed but keeps a hold on Shinpachi's lest the newly-turned rasetsu decide to try and attack again. Kazama glances briefly at Chizuru.]
Do not think this is over. I will come for you, Chizuru Yukimura.
[She shudders, Kazama turns to go, seeming to vanish in the blink of an eye. Amagiri releases Shinpachi's sword, bows once to the both of them, and does the same.
It's so lucky that Chizuru can scarcely believe it. They've really just... left? After everything? It means they'll be able to make it back to headquarters, but... it also seems too good to be true. She stares at the spot where the demons were just moments before and manages to make it to her feet to cross over to Shinpachi.
She stumbles, on her way, but reaches out to grab his arm to keep from falling on her face. Why aren't her wounds healing quickly enough...? Perhaps it's because she's been injured too much in too short a time. Perhaps she just needs rest. And she'll be able to have that, when they make it back, she's sure of it. A more pressing concern is Shinpachi, whose wounds are healing but who has paid a terrible, terrible price.]
Nagakura-san... [Her voice breaks. He should never have gone this far to protect her, never... she's not worth it. She isn't worth the ochimizu.] Y-you... Are you...?
Shinpachi just stares at the appearance of the other demon inbetween the two of them, preparing himself for whatever odds he'll have to beat now.. but then Amagiri is telling Kazama to stop it and go, and when Kazama actually somehow wordlessly agrees Shinpachi honestly just feels surprised that it's over so easily.
(Not that he can call it easily, not like this, but-- at least it means he protected Chizuru from that sort of fate. He managed to protect at least one person today, unlike the way he couldn't save any of his men.)
He's very much just staring at the same spot as Chizuru is, like Kazama might return and say he's just kidding any moment now. But a few moments pass and they don't come back, and then Shinpachi suddenly feels something tugging at his arm, realising it's Chizuru who actually made her way over to him, and for a moment or two he doesn't exactly react. What is he supposed to say to that kind of question, after all, "are you.." -- alright? Because he's not, really, he's had to do the one thing he hated the most. He doesn't regret doing it since not having done it would mean Chizuru would be gone and he would be practically dead, but.. it's not like he's exactly happy about it either.
The man knows he's something he utterly detests now. But there's no choice but to live with it. The last remains of the second division, more dead than alive--
He finally turns his head to look down at her, his eyes still red like blood. ]
.. Yeah. I'm alright. [ He's not wounded, after all, so he can easily say that much. Shinpachi may feel like shit, but it's not like he's in any terrible physical condition, and he'll say anything just to not see her making that face. (The complete lack of the usual energy in his tone still gives him away completely though.)
He turns fully now, moving to support her so she won't fall down with his arms, as his hair slowly turns back to the usual brown from the roots to the tips. ]
[The lack of energy in his tone of voice makes her heart clench uncomfortably. That he can't even muster up his usual bravado... well, she can't blame him. In such a short amount of time, he's lost so much. His men... the pain of losing them must have been excruciating. And he'd been forced to take her along with him. He'd had to watch her take blows that were meant for him, and undoubtedly that stung at his pride as a warrior and a man. And now he'd had to make compromises, to drink something that he was so vehemently opposed to...
It isn't fair. It isn't fair. It's all so unfair that Chizuru wants to scream from the sheer frustration of it all, because Shinpachi deserves so much better than this. He worked so hard to keep his spirits up to boost everyone else's morale, and this is what he got for it.
And he's even taking the time to worry about her and ask her about her wounds, as if his own situation wasn't so much worse...! Even having been dealt such a horrible hand, Shinpachi is still Shinpachi.
It's not fair to him.]
...I'll recover.
[She is a demon. She's tried to keep the accelerated healing hidden, but it's something she's lived with her whole life, and she knows that the next morning or maybe the morning after that, depending on how much time she has to rest (if the wounds keep getting aggravated before they've had the chance to fully heal, this could go on for ages), it will be as if never happened.
For her body, at least. She'll never forget the sight of Shinpachi fumbling for the vial of ochimizu, never forget the sight of him standing before Kazama with snow-white hair and blood-red eyes. She'll never forget what he sacrificed to save her... and she can't see how she'll ever be able to repay him for it, either. That's something that will stay with her forever, even after these wounds heal and any bruises or scars fade away.]
But you... [Her voice trails off. Undoubtedly he knows - knows that when you become rasetsu, there's no going back, knows that while her wounds will heal he has been forever changed by all of this. It seems cruel to remind him of it. She looks down, her hold on his arms tightening a little.] ...what are we going to do now...?
[We, because there's no way she's leaving his side, not after what he's done for her. He only took the ochimizu because he had to do it for her sake. She can't - can't - abandon him now, not for anything.
(She never intended to in the first place, which is why she was so glad for that promise.)]
[ Somehow it just makes it all hurt more, seeing her looking at him like that, like she's seriously about to cry or something. He's never really minded the thought of what would ever happen to him - he minds the rasetsu thing so much because of his ideals and principles moreso than minding his own physical condition because of it - since he was prepared to get hurt or die from the very beginning as a warrior. But what he never calculated in there is what other people would feel at seeing him being hurt. If he got hurt or beaten in battle, then the same would probably happen to Heisuke and Sano and everyone else and as much as he hates the idea of them getting hurt or dying (hypocritically), that'd mean none of them would have to see it happen to him and live with that thought. He was always just going to be a warrior for himself, just him and his sword and his ideals, that's why he left his domain to begin with, but.. now there are people who care. Now Chizuru's right there, and his friends too, and.. that just makes it all a lot harder.
He pulls her just a little bit closer, like something might appear and take her away again all the same. ]
We'll go back to the headquarters now. You'll be safe there. [ He just has to do what he was planning on doing all along, just like he never drank the ochimizu. ]
.. Let's keep this a secret between the both of us though. Hijikata-san and the others don't have to know. [ Because that'd mean he would have to join the Corps, and that's the very last thing he'd want on top of all of this. Especially since it'd be so very convenient to shove him in there with all of his own men gone by now. But he doesn't want to be among other rasetsu, he doesn't want to think of himself that way-- he'd rather endure the discomfort of being up during the day. It'll make things harder, but he's sure he can hide it if he tries. In an ideal world Chizuru wouldn't have to know about it either, to save her the pain, but there's not much he can do about that now.
He stares at her for another two, three moments, taking in her expression, and then he decides it can't go on like this. If he doesn't do anything, she'll just stay sad, she might blame herself, so.. come on, Shinpachi, you've stood for worse challenges. Surely you can muster up a smile in front of someone who needs it, no matter how hard it feels right now.
He laughs, a grin breaking out on his face. At first it's a little shaky, but then it becomes less so. ]
Oi, oi, c'mon, Chizuru-chan! Don't make a face like you just had to attend a funeral! [ Even if that might as well be what all of that just now was, along with having to see his dead men.. ] That bastard's gone, so it's all gonna be alright now, see? And after acting all tough 'bout it in front of that demon, I guess I can't take back those words about taking care of you.
So.. don't worry! I'm gonna make it all okay!
[ For her, anyway.
It's already too late for him now and he knows it. ]
[Is such a thing possible? Shinpachi's duties bring him in close proximity to blood very often. True, Sannan and Heisuke have retained their sanity - well, mostly... the jury's still out on Sannan... - but even they must struggle with it, and they aren't made use of in conflicts that might turn bloody as Shinpachi will be working as a normal captain.
Not to mention, the pain and the exhaustion...
She feels like she has a choice here. Insist on letting the others know, so they can help him, or... trust him. When it comes down to it, it really isn't a decision at all. There is only one course of action she can take.]
...right. A secret, just between you and me.
[She actually manages a smile, though it's slightly saddened. She does trust him. If he thinks it's possible to keep it a secret, that means it most likely is - Shinpachi has faced down incredibly odds and come out on top so many times. And, who knew...? Sannan and Heisuke were kept inside during the day; they rested... but sometimes, Chizuru has found that working through illness and not languishing helps speed a recovery.
If Shinpachi keeps pressing on during the daytime... is it possible that the pain might be lessened...? That he might be able to control it better, if he masters it instead of letting it master him?
...if anyone can do such a thing... it's him. She is a little uneasy about what the future might hold, so her smile is uncertain and she still looks like she might cry - until he laughs, and she looks up at his face in shock.
He's smiling...
The fact that he's trying so hard to cheer her up when this is all so much worse for him is so much like him. It would be a lie to say she doesn't feel guilty at all over the way things have turned out, but his smile warms her heart in ways that she can't even begin to explain, and in spite of everything the knot of tension in her gut starts to ease by just a little bit.
I'm gonna make it all okay!
At those words, her smile becomes more genuine. When he says it like that... she can really, truly think that it might, somehow, all work out for the best.]
Nagakura-san... I believe in you. When I'm at your side, I can really believe this will be alright. [She smiles a little more brightly.] ...we'll figure this out together.
[For now, though... they have to make it back to the headquarters. Chizuru will do her best to keep up, even with her wounds, but she doesn't doubt for a moment that they'll make it there just fine.]
[ Ah.. at least she's smiling. Even if today might have been absolutely horrible in every single possible way, even if he will never be the same again -- she's smiling, and it fixes at least one small thing. It means he managed to do one thing right instead of having today be a complete and utter failure.
It's not enough to completely lift his spirits up again, but it's a small relief in the middle of everything, that he'll take whatever life raft is thrown at him right now, even if it's just something as small as Chizuru's smile. ]
'course we will. [ It's not as optimistic as he really feels about all of this, but he doesn't want to drag her spirits down just when he's managed to get them up. He can think about all the horrible consequences of his actions today later when he's alone instead of in front of her. Right now he has to prioritize what he was trying to do to begin with - get her and himself back to the headquarters alive.
But she still looks like she's hurt, like her wounds aren't healing as easily as usually (or as easily as his', he thinks) and so he feels like he shouldn't let her walk. It'd just slow them down, anyway. And he doubts there are still enemy soldiers around if no one got attracted to the loud sounds of his battle with Kazama just now, so he can take a small risk.
Bending down a little, he puts his arms underneath her knees and under her back, and the next moment he's carefully lifting her up from the ground to carry her in his arms, trying to stay clear of the spots that he knows are hurting. ]
And since you said 'together', let's start with this! [ It's not like she's too heavy for him to carry, after all, especially since she's fairly tiny and he's fairly strong. Especially now. ] We're going back.
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It's pretty pathetic that it's all he can do, but on the other hand, it's practically a small miracle that he's still alive after all those blows.
When he thinks the final strike is going to happen, it doesn't come. Instead he feels a force on his head, fingers digging into his hair, and his face is lifted from the floor only to meet Kazama's gaze. Shinpachi can't force his body to still do much of anything at this point (and it's so incredibly aggravating) but the least he can do is still glare at the demon even now, even in his current state. Resistance until the very end, even if it's in pathetically small ways.
But then he still isn't finished off. Instead the man slowly starts to understand what Kazama is doing when he walks off and towards Chizuru instead. He's intending to leave him like this (although that doesn't give him a too great chance of survival anyway with the rate he's bleeding at unless someone happens to stumble upon him, but he's not even thinking of his own state of being right now) and take Chizuru with him. No--
He tries to gather every single last shred of strength left in his body, tells his body to move, to get up, to save her already. But it's impossible, his body is completely at its limit. Even now she's calling out for him (even now she's thinking about him rather than about herself) and he feels so incredibly pathetic and weak for not even being able to save her, the most brave and selfless girl he's ever known.
Shinpachi has to save her, he knows it, he can't just let her be taken away since they made a promise, dammit, but there's nothing he can do, he'd already be lucky enough to just walk out of this with his life but as he is right now he can't even reach for his sword--
In a desperate attempt to get up that of course fails and makes him fall back onto the earth again, he hears a very dull clunk against the ground. It takes him a moment to realise what it is, but then he realises it. Right before he left he had an argument about the ochimizu as well, and even though he insisted on not taking it with him he did have the bottle in his hands when he had to quickly head out, he must have slipped it into his clothes so he could put it back later (or smash it on the floor when no one would be looking).
...
That means there is a chance.
An extremely cruel chance. He doesn't want to take it, even now. He never wanted to take it before. He hates the ochimizu and all it stands for, he hates the idea that people are being turned into rasetsu, he would be fine with dying, that's what a warrior is supposed to do, but he always said he'd never become one of those under any circumstances.
If this situation was any different, if it was just about him, he would have let himself bleed out right here. But this isn't just about him, it's also about Chizuru and the fate she's got ahead of her, being handled as nothing more than something to produce babies by that demon against her will--
He made a promise.
He made a promise.
He made a promise.
The more he repeats it in his head, the more the possibility is starting to seem real. (And the more he starts to hate himself, little by little.)
Knowing he has no choice, he weakly tries to get the bottle out of the folds of his clothing and closer to his face, fumbling to even get it open. He stares at the liquid and his stomach turns, but he knows there's no other choice. He'll die anyway. And Chizuru has been so selfless, throwing herself into harm's way for him, getting herself hurt so much that she almost cried. He's be a pathetic guy to not take it - although he still knows it's no excuse, not to him.
Shutting down all of his thoughts, Shinpachi brings the bottle to his lips and pours the contents straight into his mouth, swallowing thickly.
A surge runs through him and it's one of the most aggravating things he's ever felt, like his body is changing, like the blood in his body is boiling and then suddenly goes ice cold, and pieces of flesh and cuts start to mend until Kazama's beating is hardly visible if it wouldn't be for Shinpachi's clothing giving it away. His eyes go from blue to red, his hair turning white as snow.
And as he transforms into something different, Shinpachi grabs his sword and rises to his feet again.
(Don't think about the way it feels so awful, don't think about how much you hate yourself for doing this, don't think of anything but what you're doing this for, her and the promise you made, he tells himself, and he grits his teeth.
Time to be the biggest pretender.) ]
Turn around and put her down. [ At first his voice is at a normal volume, but then as he speaks up again, it rises, almost like a growl. ] This isn't over yet..!
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Sees a glint of light against glass -
He's already downed the ochimizu before she can scream for him not to. Not Shinpachi. Please god, not Shinpachi. She wants him to live - desperately wants him to live - but not like that, not when he's already made his thoughts on the matter of rasetsu quite clear, she doesn't want him to have to go through that for her sake. Someone might have been able to find him and treat him so he could go about his life as a human, but now...
...he's taken the ochimizu and the way he grabs his sword and addresses Kazama makes it seem like it's for her sake...
Her stomach churns with guilt and she can't do much more than stare at him, horrified, as Kazama lazily turns to look over his shoulder.]
Hn. [He almost sounds surprised, though the look on his face is one of disdain. He knows little of Shinpachi personally, but... he does so detest these fake, man-made creatures that are neither demon nor human.] You must be truly desperate...
[But he finds little admirable about the desperation. This battle is already lost. Shinpachi can demand that Kazama put his bride down all he wants, but drinking the ochimizu won't be enough to stop him from taking her. It was always little more than a matter of time. Even his transformation into a rasetsu bothers him very little - in spite of the fact that it really should. As a human, this man had wounded him. The rasetsu are false demons, but they are stronger than your average human...
But of course, demonic strength far outstrips anything that accursed concoction could muster up.
He does not set her down, but he does turn to face Shinpachi fully and draws his blade - but does not yet strike.]
Go on. I'll be glad to show you how futile this attempt of yours is.
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Especially since he has something to fight for.
So without wasting another word, he's already charging at the demon, making sure that he's aiming for the side he isn't carrying Chizuru on since hurting the girl in the process of attacking Kazama is the last thing he'd want to do. But still, he's striking hard and fast, more so than he's ever done before. There's a new sort of strength running through his body and he's hitting harder, actually managing to drive Kazama back a step or two with a click of the demon's tongue. Not enough to have such a clear victory over the other the way the demon forced him onto the floor, but at least it's got to mean he's not helpless anymore, that he at least can do something.
He hates that it had to come to this, but he can't show weakness in front of Kazama, so instead he forces a grin. Maybe somehow bravado will be enough to get rid of the other, although he isn't hoping for much in this case. ]
I told you to put her down, didn't I?! The one who's gonna take care of her is me..!
[ He downed the ochimizu, so that might as well mean he's taken that responsibility upon him. He'll protect Chizuru from whatever there is - enemy troops, Kazama, even the rest of the Shinsengumi if they start wanting to use her more in this kind of way. To think all of that snowballed from one promise-- well, whatever, everyone always says he takes things way too far anyway. ]
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...and yet. Shinpachi's strikes drive him back - clearly he won't be able to do this one-handed any longer. He drops Chizuru unceremoniously and she slumps over on the ground, winded. As she looks up, Kazama starts swinging his sword to fight back against Shinpachi's strikes.
Her stomach nearly drops out as she watches them. Shinpachi, his hair white like snow and eyes red like blood, facing down Kazama, who had laid waist to him moments before and would do it again, if he could. She's terrified for his sake - not just because he might lose his life, but even if he lives... he's become one of the creatures he was so against creating. How can she ever make up for the fact that he had to go so far just to save her?
He's outright said it, "The one who's gonna take care of her is me," and that knowledge cuts like a knife.
She was supposed to protect him, but right now he and Kazama are locked in a battle of whirling blades and she can barely muster up the strength to sit up.
There is the clash of metal on metal and the horrifying sound of swords biting into flesh. Kazama grits his teeth, but doesn't falter in his return strikes, the cut skin already beginning to knit itself back together even as his own blood runs down his arm in rivulets. It's galling, for Shinpachi to have landed a blow not once but twice.]
You won't be taking care of anyone, [He snarls as he brings his arm back to prepare for another lunge.] Unless you're doing it from beyond the grave!
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(If this was any other situation, one where he didn't have to turn into a rasetsu, then he might have actually enjoyed this battle, one where he's just fighting someone one on one and not being sure at all if he'll even win.)
The odds are still on Kazama's side since he does manage to strike Shinpachi more often than the man manages to strike Kazama - the difference between a demon and someone who's only halfway there - but it doesn't mean as much when every single time Kazama's sword digs into his flesh there's only that momentary pain he's used to anyway after so many battles before the wound closes itself like it never even existed. If there's anything annoying about it then it's the fact that the scent of blood is filling his mind, but he tries to shove it to the background and focus on fighting, winning - he's not so sure how he's going to win from Kazama's superior strength yet, but he'll find a way. He'll drive him off somehow and take Chizuru back safely, it's all he can think about.
Shinpachi only manages to block the demon's attack half, and the edge of the blade still cuts a fine line across his chest, the wound knitting itself together easily. ]
Like hell I went this far just to lose from you..! [ He pulls his katana back only to have it meet Kazama's when he swings it forwards again, the sound of steel on steel resounding between the trees. Shinpachi realises too that they might as well be here all day at this rate, or until Shinpachi's body gives up on healing, but it's not like he sees a clear opening or opportunity to end this quickly either. Chizuru must not be able to get up either with the way she's just there on the floor.. damn, even the hardest thing he's ever done wasn't the easy way out, huh? ]
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The humans fighting the battle proper can take care of their own affairs. This is a human war, not a demon war, and he considers his debt to the Satsuma long since repaid. His interest lies more in stamping out the rasetsu he so despises, crushing the hopes of the Shinsengumi he has become so interested in, and absconding with a female demon worthy to bear his children.
He draws his sword back once more and - ]
That's enough. [This time, neither his sword nor Shinpachi's connects with steel or draws blood. Amagiri is suddenly there between them in the blink of an eye, having caught each of their blades in a different hand. His expression is somewhat disapproving - both of the appearance of yet another rasetsu and of Kazama's dallying to toy with him.] It is time to go.
[Kazama sneers and his eyes narrow into slits.] Amagiri...
[Amagiri holds Kazama's gaze for a few long moments and something passes between them silently before Kazama finally relents and nods once, sharply. The red-haired demon releases his sword so that it can be sheathed but keeps a hold on Shinpachi's lest the newly-turned rasetsu decide to try and attack again. Kazama glances briefly at Chizuru.]
Do not think this is over. I will come for you, Chizuru Yukimura.
[She shudders, Kazama turns to go, seeming to vanish in the blink of an eye. Amagiri releases Shinpachi's sword, bows once to the both of them, and does the same.
It's so lucky that Chizuru can scarcely believe it. They've really just... left? After everything? It means they'll be able to make it back to headquarters, but... it also seems too good to be true. She stares at the spot where the demons were just moments before and manages to make it to her feet to cross over to Shinpachi.
She stumbles, on her way, but reaches out to grab his arm to keep from falling on her face. Why aren't her wounds healing quickly enough...? Perhaps it's because she's been injured too much in too short a time. Perhaps she just needs rest. And she'll be able to have that, when they make it back, she's sure of it. A more pressing concern is Shinpachi, whose wounds are healing but who has paid a terrible, terrible price.]
Nagakura-san... [Her voice breaks. He should never have gone this far to protect her, never... she's not worth it. She isn't worth the ochimizu.] Y-you... Are you...?
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Shinpachi just stares at the appearance of the other demon inbetween the two of them, preparing himself for whatever odds he'll have to beat now.. but then Amagiri is telling Kazama to stop it and go, and when Kazama actually somehow wordlessly agrees Shinpachi honestly just feels surprised that it's over so easily.
(Not that he can call it easily, not like this, but-- at least it means he protected Chizuru from that sort of fate. He managed to protect at least one person today, unlike the way he couldn't save any of his men.)
He's very much just staring at the same spot as Chizuru is, like Kazama might return and say he's just kidding any moment now. But a few moments pass and they don't come back, and then Shinpachi suddenly feels something tugging at his arm, realising it's Chizuru who actually made her way over to him, and for a moment or two he doesn't exactly react. What is he supposed to say to that kind of question, after all, "are you.." -- alright? Because he's not, really, he's had to do the one thing he hated the most. He doesn't regret doing it since not having done it would mean Chizuru would be gone and he would be practically dead, but.. it's not like he's exactly happy about it either.
The man knows he's something he utterly detests now. But there's no choice but to live with it. The last remains of the second division, more dead than alive--
He finally turns his head to look down at her, his eyes still red like blood. ]
.. Yeah. I'm alright. [ He's not wounded, after all, so he can easily say that much. Shinpachi may feel like shit, but it's not like he's in any terrible physical condition, and he'll say anything just to not see her making that face. (The complete lack of the usual energy in his tone still gives him away completely though.)
He turns fully now, moving to support her so she won't fall down with his arms, as his hair slowly turns back to the usual brown from the roots to the tips. ]
What 'bout you? You're hurt, aren't you?
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It isn't fair. It isn't fair. It's all so unfair that Chizuru wants to scream from the sheer frustration of it all, because Shinpachi deserves so much better than this. He worked so hard to keep his spirits up to boost everyone else's morale, and this is what he got for it.
And he's even taking the time to worry about her and ask her about her wounds, as if his own situation wasn't so much worse...! Even having been dealt such a horrible hand, Shinpachi is still Shinpachi.
It's not fair to him.]
...I'll recover.
[She is a demon. She's tried to keep the accelerated healing hidden, but it's something she's lived with her whole life, and she knows that the next morning or maybe the morning after that, depending on how much time she has to rest (if the wounds keep getting aggravated before they've had the chance to fully heal, this could go on for ages), it will be as if never happened.
For her body, at least. She'll never forget the sight of Shinpachi fumbling for the vial of ochimizu, never forget the sight of him standing before Kazama with snow-white hair and blood-red eyes. She'll never forget what he sacrificed to save her... and she can't see how she'll ever be able to repay him for it, either. That's something that will stay with her forever, even after these wounds heal and any bruises or scars fade away.]
But you... [Her voice trails off. Undoubtedly he knows - knows that when you become rasetsu, there's no going back, knows that while her wounds will heal he has been forever changed by all of this. It seems cruel to remind him of it. She looks down, her hold on his arms tightening a little.] ...what are we going to do now...?
[We, because there's no way she's leaving his side, not after what he's done for her. He only took the ochimizu because he had to do it for her sake. She can't - can't - abandon him now, not for anything.
(She never intended to in the first place, which is why she was so glad for that promise.)]
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He pulls her just a little bit closer, like something might appear and take her away again all the same. ]
We'll go back to the headquarters now. You'll be safe there. [ He just has to do what he was planning on doing all along, just like he never drank the ochimizu. ]
.. Let's keep this a secret between the both of us though. Hijikata-san and the others don't have to know. [ Because that'd mean he would have to join the Corps, and that's the very last thing he'd want on top of all of this. Especially since it'd be so very convenient to shove him in there with all of his own men gone by now. But he doesn't want to be among other rasetsu, he doesn't want to think of himself that way-- he'd rather endure the discomfort of being up during the day. It'll make things harder, but he's sure he can hide it if he tries. In an ideal world Chizuru wouldn't have to know about it either, to save her the pain, but there's not much he can do about that now.
He stares at her for another two, three moments, taking in her expression, and then he decides it can't go on like this. If he doesn't do anything, she'll just stay sad, she might blame herself, so.. come on, Shinpachi, you've stood for worse challenges. Surely you can muster up a smile in front of someone who needs it, no matter how hard it feels right now.
He laughs, a grin breaking out on his face. At first it's a little shaky, but then it becomes less so. ]
Oi, oi, c'mon, Chizuru-chan! Don't make a face like you just had to attend a funeral! [ Even if that might as well be what all of that just now was, along with having to see his dead men.. ] That bastard's gone, so it's all gonna be alright now, see? And after acting all tough 'bout it in front of that demon, I guess I can't take back those words about taking care of you.
So.. don't worry! I'm gonna make it all okay!
[ For her, anyway.
It's already too late for him now and he knows it. ]
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[Is such a thing possible? Shinpachi's duties bring him in close proximity to blood very often. True, Sannan and Heisuke have retained their sanity - well, mostly... the jury's still out on Sannan... - but even they must struggle with it, and they aren't made use of in conflicts that might turn bloody as Shinpachi will be working as a normal captain.
Not to mention, the pain and the exhaustion...
She feels like she has a choice here. Insist on letting the others know, so they can help him, or... trust him. When it comes down to it, it really isn't a decision at all. There is only one course of action she can take.]
...right. A secret, just between you and me.
[She actually manages a smile, though it's slightly saddened. She does trust him. If he thinks it's possible to keep it a secret, that means it most likely is - Shinpachi has faced down incredibly odds and come out on top so many times. And, who knew...? Sannan and Heisuke were kept inside during the day; they rested... but sometimes, Chizuru has found that working through illness and not languishing helps speed a recovery.
If Shinpachi keeps pressing on during the daytime... is it possible that the pain might be lessened...? That he might be able to control it better, if he masters it instead of letting it master him?
...if anyone can do such a thing... it's him. She is a little uneasy about what the future might hold, so her smile is uncertain and she still looks like she might cry - until he laughs, and she looks up at his face in shock.
He's smiling...
The fact that he's trying so hard to cheer her up when this is all so much worse for him is so much like him. It would be a lie to say she doesn't feel guilty at all over the way things have turned out, but his smile warms her heart in ways that she can't even begin to explain, and in spite of everything the knot of tension in her gut starts to ease by just a little bit.
I'm gonna make it all okay!
At those words, her smile becomes more genuine. When he says it like that... she can really, truly think that it might, somehow, all work out for the best.]
Nagakura-san... I believe in you. When I'm at your side, I can really believe this will be alright. [She smiles a little more brightly.] ...we'll figure this out together.
[For now, though... they have to make it back to the headquarters. Chizuru will do her best to keep up, even with her wounds, but she doesn't doubt for a moment that they'll make it there just fine.]
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It's not enough to completely lift his spirits up again, but it's a small relief in the middle of everything, that he'll take whatever life raft is thrown at him right now, even if it's just something as small as Chizuru's smile. ]
'course we will. [ It's not as optimistic as he really feels about all of this, but he doesn't want to drag her spirits down just when he's managed to get them up. He can think about all the horrible consequences of his actions today later when he's alone instead of in front of her. Right now he has to prioritize what he was trying to do to begin with - get her and himself back to the headquarters alive.
But she still looks like she's hurt, like her wounds aren't healing as easily as usually (or as easily as his', he thinks) and so he feels like he shouldn't let her walk. It'd just slow them down, anyway. And he doubts there are still enemy soldiers around if no one got attracted to the loud sounds of his battle with Kazama just now, so he can take a small risk.
Bending down a little, he puts his arms underneath her knees and under her back, and the next moment he's carefully lifting her up from the ground to carry her in his arms, trying to stay clear of the spots that he knows are hurting. ]
And since you said 'together', let's start with this! [ It's not like she's too heavy for him to carry, after all, especially since she's fairly tiny and he's fairly strong. Especially now. ] We're going back.
[ And with that, he starts walking. ]