[It's true that the rush of battle isn't exhilarating to her. She takes no pleasure from the men's battle cries or the rattle of gunfire or the sharp clang of metal on metal or the thunderous roar of the cannons. Some people thrive in environments like this, bloom all the more beautifully in adversity and grow from it. Chizuru just feels sick.
But more terrifying than the thought of a gunshot wound is the thought of watching Shinpachi's back as he marches off to do his duty and then watching solemnly as men bear him back, cold and lifeless instead of warm and bright because some bullet or sword found its way to his gut. She would face a million battles if it meant never having to entertain the thought that someday the spark of life in him would be snuffed out.
In theory she had a choice. She could have refused (because she's not really a part of the Shinsengumi). In practice there was no choice at all - she could never refuse (because she wants, so badly, to be a support to these men). And how could she say no? When her help could mean safety for Shinpachi, who had selflessly sworn to protect her?
She knows, deep in her bones, that he would protect her from anything. He meant his promise; they hadn't just been empty words to make her feel better. She can't repay that kindness with selfishness.
And it's true, she makes an ideal shield. The ability to recover from grievous wounds is in her, in her blood and her bones, all of the healing benefits of the rasetsu without the bloodlust-fueled madness. And, ultimately, she is expendable. Heisuke can't be Shinpachi's cover; they need him. They don't need her, and while it's ideal if she lives to go on to be of use to them another day, if she doesn't it's not a loss to them the same way it would be if they lost any of their captains.
But she doesn't go into this thinking, I'll die for him, because that would make him a liar. He promised he would keep her safe. But to do that he has to live, too, he has to live past this terrible battle because he can't protect her if he's dead. He dies, and his promise is broken. She dies, and his promise is broken. The only way to keep him from being a liar is for them both to make it out alive and she knows, deep down, that if she's careful she'll survive this even if the pain of any wounds she suffers is unbearable. As long as they neither pierce her heart nor sever her head...
Even Shinpachi's protests hadn't been enough to sway her from this course, because he might be worried but she's already decided that no matter what, regardless of what she has to do to make it that way, they're both going to live.
The air is heavy with smoke and the mixed scent of gunpowder and blood - not a pleasant combination in the slightest. Around them, the sound of a pitched battle swells with screams and bursts of cannonfire and she wishes she could block it all out, but she can't. The only thing that cuts through the terror is the knowledge that she needs to be alert to protect him, and so she keeps her eyes open for any incoming soldiers or bullets - ]
I'm here, Nagakura-san. I won't leave your side.
[ - and the sound of his voice. That cuts through the terror, too; it doesn't matter how loud the horror around them is because when he addresses her, she'll respond. That's just a fact.
Also a fact: She refuses to let anything stop her from protecting him, even him. When he tries to shield her, she yields for a moment, but only so that he'll relax long enough for her to get back into place. And when the crack of a bullet cuts through the air, she moves instantly, faster than she even knew she could move with her back to the direction of the sound and her arms thrust out to keep him from moving between her and the noise.
...but, ultimately, her quick action isn't necessary; the soldier's aim is off by a large margin and the bullet finds its purchase in the trunk of a tree, not in either of their flesh. But she doesn't relax and should he look down at her, her expression will be on-edge and alert as she listens and watches for any sound or sight that might indicate another attempt on his life.]
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But more terrifying than the thought of a gunshot wound is the thought of watching Shinpachi's back as he marches off to do his duty and then watching solemnly as men bear him back, cold and lifeless instead of warm and bright because some bullet or sword found its way to his gut. She would face a million battles if it meant never having to entertain the thought that someday the spark of life in him would be snuffed out.
In theory she had a choice. She could have refused (because she's not really a part of the Shinsengumi). In practice there was no choice at all - she could never refuse (because she wants, so badly, to be a support to these men). And how could she say no? When her help could mean safety for Shinpachi, who had selflessly sworn to protect her?
She knows, deep in her bones, that he would protect her from anything. He meant his promise; they hadn't just been empty words to make her feel better. She can't repay that kindness with selfishness.
And it's true, she makes an ideal shield. The ability to recover from grievous wounds is in her, in her blood and her bones, all of the healing benefits of the rasetsu without the bloodlust-fueled madness. And, ultimately, she is expendable. Heisuke can't be Shinpachi's cover; they need him. They don't need her, and while it's ideal if she lives to go on to be of use to them another day, if she doesn't it's not a loss to them the same way it would be if they lost any of their captains.
But she doesn't go into this thinking, I'll die for him, because that would make him a liar. He promised he would keep her safe. But to do that he has to live, too, he has to live past this terrible battle because he can't protect her if he's dead. He dies, and his promise is broken. She dies, and his promise is broken. The only way to keep him from being a liar is for them both to make it out alive and she knows, deep down, that if she's careful she'll survive this even if the pain of any wounds she suffers is unbearable. As long as they neither pierce her heart nor sever her head...
Even Shinpachi's protests hadn't been enough to sway her from this course, because he might be worried but she's already decided that no matter what, regardless of what she has to do to make it that way, they're both going to live.
The air is heavy with smoke and the mixed scent of gunpowder and blood - not a pleasant combination in the slightest. Around them, the sound of a pitched battle swells with screams and bursts of cannonfire and she wishes she could block it all out, but she can't. The only thing that cuts through the terror is the knowledge that she needs to be alert to protect him, and so she keeps her eyes open for any incoming soldiers or bullets - ]
I'm here, Nagakura-san. I won't leave your side.
[ - and the sound of his voice. That cuts through the terror, too; it doesn't matter how loud the horror around them is because when he addresses her, she'll respond. That's just a fact.
Also a fact: She refuses to let anything stop her from protecting him, even him. When he tries to shield her, she yields for a moment, but only so that he'll relax long enough for her to get back into place. And when the crack of a bullet cuts through the air, she moves instantly, faster than she even knew she could move with her back to the direction of the sound and her arms thrust out to keep him from moving between her and the noise.
...but, ultimately, her quick action isn't necessary; the soldier's aim is off by a large margin and the bullet finds its purchase in the trunk of a tree, not in either of their flesh. But she doesn't relax and should he look down at her, her expression will be on-edge and alert as she listens and watches for any sound or sight that might indicate another attempt on his life.]