[The offer surprises her - if only because, while she knows well enough by now that Shinpachi really would do everything in his power to make her feel more comfortable about basically anything, she also remembers how embarrassed he'd gotten that time he had brought her a brazier and then fallen asleep... but then she smiles a little, because that just goes to show how far they've come. He trusts her to be in a position where she might witness that again.
...and he trusts her to be around when, as a rasetsu, he'll probably be wide awake. She knows he's going to try and keep as normal a schedule as possible, but Heisuke and Sannan had always been much more awake when the moon was up; she can't help but wonder if it's the same for him, too. Both his face in slumber and his face lit up by moonlight are things that he actually trusts her to see.]
Actually... um, Nagakura-san.
[She starts to say something, and then hesitates. What she wants to ask is incredibly forward. Should she keep quiet? ...or should she ask it anyway?
She asks it anyway, looking up at him earnestly.]
Even if he does find me my own room... could I stay with you anyway? The others could have more space, or maybe we could save some money by not needing that extra room at all, and I'd like to spend time with you... [Her cheeks flush a little just by speaking the words.] That is, if you don't mind...!
[ For a moment he just stares down at her. It's probably hard to read from his expression which way he's taking all of this - and when it comes down to Shinpachi, there's always a 50/50 chance that he'll either get a little embarassed as well or that he'll just completely let it go over his head.. okay, it tends to be the latter one a little more often than the former.
And this is definitely a case of the latter, since after that moment of staring, he just seems to shrug off the suggestion like water off a duck's back. ]
Why would I mind? [ Even if Shinpachi sucks when it comes to feelings until they hit him straight on the head, there's no doubt in his mind that Chizuru is important to him, at least. Otherwise he wouldn't have made those promises with her and done his best to live up to them at all times, even throwing away his humanity - the last thing he thought he'd ever do - for her without much hesitation at that moment.
And if she really wants to stay with him, then.. well, who would he be to deny her that? It's not like he realises just yet that it's probably more safe for her to be with him, anyway, but even just for her emotional comfort he wouldn't turn down a request like that. ]
If you wanna stay with me, then you're gonna stay with me, it's as simple as that. If Hijikata-san or anyone else protests, then they can just stick it up their ass.
[ SHINPACHI, NOT IN FRONT OF A GIRL.. at least he does seem to realise that after a moment, coughing a little awkwardly. ]
[He is hard to read, but this isn't like when she first arrived in Kyoto - she isn't anticipating him getting angry, just him saying that he wants to have his own space. But he doesn't do that, and when he asks why he would mind her face lights up with a bright smile.
That smile becomes even brighter as he continues - If you wanna say with me, then you're gonna stay with me. There aren't many things in life that are that simple, but when Shinpachi says it's as simple as that, that's another thing she can believe. This man has a way of making the things he says into reality, anyway, and that's something she really admires about him.
She has to shift what she's carrying into the crook of her arm to bring a hand up to muffle her giggle when he corrects himself, though.]
Then... when we get there, I'll tell him. [Not to stick it up his ass, of course - her cheeks flush little when she realizes it could be taken that way, and she fumbles for a moment to try to find the right words to add to rid the statement of any ambiguity.] ...that I'm going to be with you.
[Even while blushing, she's still smiling; the fact that he's so willing to let her stay by his side warms her heart, and that's visible in - well, everything. The way her steps are less subdued, the way she's straightened up instead of hunched over like she's trying to make herself as small and unobtrusive as possible, and the way that there's still a smile on her face even when she lapses into silence while they continue their trek to the inn.
It isn't too long before they arrive, and soon enough each of them is being shown to their rooms so they can unpack. Chizuru dutifully follows after Shinpachi and, once the door is rolled away to reveal the room, she sets his bag down in one corner along with her own things and holds out her arms to Shinpachi for one of the boxes he's been carrying this whole way.]
Here, let me help. We'll get it done very quickly if we work together.
[ It's less noticable, but he straightens himself just a little more when he sees that sight. Chizuru being happy means that he's still capable of some things despite everything that's happened - he can still pretend he's human, he can still make someone happy who really deserves to be. It might not be a whole lot, but he'll keep gathering the little things together as fuel for the fire that is his spirit, his will to keep going despite the odds.
(It's a little strange, the thought, but somehow there's a part of him that almost feels like it could keep on going forever as long as she would still put that smile on her face, even in their silences.)
If some people whisper about them going into a room together (isn't the boy supposed to be Hijikata's page, or the captains who are actually in on Chizuru's secret joking at him like Sano, who would have earned an elbow nudge if Shinpachi's arms weren't currently occupied by the boxes) then the man sure didn't seem to care and just ignores it for the most part until they're in there together.
He looks at Chizuru for a moment, as if he's judging whether she'd be able to handle one, but he wants to at least let her try rather than disappoint her, so he lowers the boxes a little bit so she can grab the top one. ]
Careful, they're heavy. [ So one at a time, okay, only he's allowed to carry more than that..!
By the time she grabs it off the pile, he moves to put down the other ones, letting out a loud sigh. It's only now that he realises just how exhausted he feels, having carried those boxes all the way through the sun. Shinpachi sinks to the floor - not completely out of his own control, but one he initiates the movement, it sure goes faster than he imagines - only to sit with his back leaning against one of the boxes.
He grabs one of the ends of his headband, tugging on it until it comes undone, and then he uses it to try and wipe some of the excessive sweat that's formed on his forehead off. Damn, he sure is pathetic, having this much trouble with just bringing a few boxes here, something that would have been easy for him otherwise.
At least he doesn't feel too bad about looking like this in front of her. He still has his pride, so of course he's not 100% okay with looking pathetic in front of anyone, let alone a girl, but at least she knows his secret. He has to keep up the act in front of everyone else, after all.
He wants to reassure her though, so he shoots her a tiny smile. ]
Sure is hot out there, huh. [ As if that's the only cause. ]
[Even after so many years, Chizuru hasn't learned to tune out the whispers entirely; she has, at least, managed not to internalize them quite so heavily, and so when she catches a snippet of one man asking another why Hijikata's page is trailing along behind Captain Nagakura like some kind of puppy, she blushes faintly but doesn't doesn't squeak or stammer or anything of the sort.
As Shinpachi said, they could always tell them to... shove it up their ass, if anyone raised a fuss.
When he looks at her to assess her ability to take hold of a box she looks back at him with what she hopes is a very responsible and capable expression. It must be, because he finally does lower the boxes and she tiptoes up as he lowers them so that she can get a good grip on the top one. She hefts it up and her arms sag down because wow, that is heavy, but she manages not to drop it.
A moment later she's brought it over to sit beside the ones Shinpachi has already set down, and a moment after that, he's taking a seat and leaning against them. She smiles and crouches down a little, but doesn't settle herself because she wants to be able to get up quickly if she needs to.
His tiny smile is returned, and she tilts her head to the side as she thinks about his question. He's trying so hard to be normal, and she wants him to relax, so that means not calling attention to the things that stress him out. She's sure there is no way he could forget that he was a rasetsu, so for right now, there's no reason to remind him of that.
She knows his excuse is just that - an excuse - but she agrees with him anyway, even though it really isn't that hot out.] It is... but, that's Edo weather.
[And then there's a slight pause before her eyes go wide and she claps her hands together, something seeming to have just occurred to her.]
Oh, Nagakura-san! Why don't I get us something cool to drink, and a few snacks to eat? If I ask nicely, I think they'll let me use the kitchen here! We can have real Edo food again!
[She's done her best with what they had in Kyoto, but the ingredients just weren't the same. Here, they can have all the tastes of Edo if they want them, they're right at her fingertips.]
[ It's hard to not at least try to go along in her excitement. Because she does seem so genuinely happy about the thought, and while Shinpachi can't deny that it'd be nice to have some genuine Edo stuff again - has it really been that long since they all went to Kyoto or does it just feel longer thanks to all the various (usually not too great) things that have happened? - his own enthusiasm is of course less present thanks to his current condition.
But he's not the type who just sits around and feels sorry for himself either, he has to either do something with his emotions or at least try to cope and go on, which is why he keeps that small smile on his face, trying to muster up the enthusiasm he should be showing in return even if it only goes about halfway. ]
Sounds great. [ At least those words are nothing but honest. ] Although it's not like your stuff back in Kyoto wasn't good too.
[ He lets out a casual sigh, his tone turning a little lighter. ]
As long as it's Chizuru-chan's work, I'm sure it'll be delicious.
[ And it might be a good way to try and calm everything down a little and get more settled in. Hijikata and Kondou sounded like they had a lot of business to attend to here, but nothing they necessarily needed the captains for, so they'd most likely be sitting on their asses anyway. Then he might as well try to spend his time in nice ways.
So Shinpachi opens his mouth to continue further, but just as he's about to speak up again, a rush of something surges through him. And it's strong and sudden, making his breathing sounding a lot more uneven and for a moment it even almost sounds like he's choking on something, his eyes going wide.
It's like nothing he's ever felt before, and at first the feeling is so heavy that he doesn't even realise what it is. He only knows that it hurts, so much that even he can't fully hold it back in front of her. His hands uselessly grab at his chest and his head and shoulders bend so far it's almost like he just doubles over, groaning.
A moment later he does realise what it is, though. His hair turns entirely white and his eyes red. (He's so, so glad he closed that door behind the two of them now.)
This pain -- it's but another consequence of his decision.
[She might have continued their conversation that is meant to be casual on the surface but really is anything but since they're both aware that the other is keeping up the cheerfulness in an attempt to make things feel more normal. She also might have blushed at his compliment and stammered out some flustered thank-you.
Neither of those things happen, though, because Shinpachi doubles over, and his hair whitens - one minute it's brown and then she blinks and it's white like snow. She's sure that, if she could see his face clearly, his eyes would be blood-red.]
Nagakura-san..!
[...it was only ever a matter of time. Somehow, they had avoided it happening on the ship, but she knows a little bit about the bloodlust from Heisuke and from what she's overheard.
The bloodlust was why she'd become involved with the Shinsengumi in the first place. Those escaped rasetsu so many years ago -
She banishes the thought and kneels down next to him, her expression one of acute concern. She isn't worried for herself, because she fully trusts that Shinpachi would never hurt her, even like this. She's worried for him because for him to have made that sound, for him to be clutching at his chest like that, it must really hurt. He usually doesn't show his pain... not in front of her, not in front of anyone.
She needs to help him. What can she do? How can she help lessen the pain of the bloodlust?
...bloodlust.]
Just... [She looks down at the blade at her waist with an expression of slowly dawning comprehension. There is something she can do. She can help him. She can...] Just hold on for another few moments. You'll be okay...
[And then she reaches for her blade, sliding it carefully out of its sheath. She can't believe she's about to do this - doesn't really know how Shinpachi will react to it - but all she can think is that if a little bit of blood (or a lot, even, she's a demon and she'll recover) will help lessen his pain, then she's glad to give it up. It doesn't matter. What matters is that he stop hurting, because he doesn't deserve this on top of everything else.
She takes a breath and presses the sharp edge of her sword into her finger to draw blood before she can lose her nerve or he can make any move to stop her. A few droplets of blood gush from the wound - it's not a large one, just enough to get some blood flowing, and she bites her lip as she offers her hand to him.
Please forgive me, Nagakura-san...]
Here... it might help. Please, it might help you...
[Her expression is desperate, pleading with him to do whatever it takes to make his pain disappear. She doesn't want him to have to suffer for even a moment longer.]
[ He can't see what she's doing at first. The pain is so strong that he can't quite focus on anything but it, really, clawing at his chest like he can just rip the pain straight out of him. But it's impossible, he knows it's coming from deep within him, it's the bloodlust he's seen plenty of other men experience before after being turned into a rasetsu. And now it's his turn, except he has many more things to worry about. He can't entirely flip out since Chizuru is right there and he can't let her get hurt, so he needs to keep a complete hold on himself. And he also needs to make it stop somehow, if his hair turned white then he has to make sure no one notices, what if someone walks in to ask him something right now and he's like this, then they'll all know--
There's too many worries and not enough left of his brain that can readily deal with them rather than just trying to deal with the pain itself.
But Chizuru says it, she says hold on for another few moments, that he'll be okay, and he knows she's right. It usually goes away after a little while, so all he has to do is bear it (and isn't that what he's always done best with everything, even with some venting here and there) and it'll be over and everything will be back to normal. He's going to be alright. The pain is going to go away. He repeats it as a mantra in his head, but even so, Shinpachi can't stop some pained noises from leaving him all the same as the pain wrecks his body.
But then he hears a familiar sound. A blade being pulled out of its sheath, and then before that sound even fully processed itself in his brain, the sound of something being cut--
The thought of Chizuru being in any kind of danger is enough to make him look forward again despite the pain, his eyes wide and red but also obviously worried, panicked. Did someone sneak in and do something to her while he's like this?
Shinpachi quickly notices though that that's not the case. No one cut Chizuru except for Chizuru herself, he's able to realise that when he can see her sword in one of her hands, and then on the other..
No. No, no, no, no, no-- he sees the blood and his brain immediately latches onto it, zooms in on it, practically. All he can see is the blood and the thick smell of it is all he can process and he wants it so badly. But at the same time he's disgusted, and that part of his brain being strong is what keeps him from practically propelling himself forward to drink all the blood he can out of the wound. Chizuru shouldn't have to do this for him, he shouldn't have to drink that, he can still be just like a human even if he's like this, right? He doesn't have to be some sort of monster who drinks blood from the one person he's been trying to protect the past while. ]
No.. [ Even if she's pleading with him, it's just not right-- she knows that too, doesn't she? He shakes his head, but there's sweat trinkling from his forehead and he almost looks like he's in even more pain from just staring at the blood rather than actually drinking it. ] C-.. Chizuru-chan, do.. n't..
[ Don't let him do this. ]
Dammit, I'm fin-- urgh..! [ He clenches his chest again, the pain coming back twice as strong. ]
[It's painful just to watch the way he refuses the blood. He's too noble. She can certainly understand why he wouldn't want to drink it (the thought of anyone being forced to drink blood makes her stomach churn), but it's one thing to think "It shouldn't have to happen" when there isn't someone in front of her, suffering, and it's quite another to have Shinpachi be hurting so badly when there's something she can do about it.]
Please, Nagakura-san, it's-- [Her voice is too loud, too shrill. She glances quickly at the door to the room, chagrined, and then back to him. When she speaks again, her tone is hushed but no less desperate.] It's alright. You know I heal quickly, and it's just a little bit... just until we can figure out what to do...
[She feels like crying, but she can't let herself do that. Her pain is nothing compared to his; he's experiencing it, she's just watching it. He isn't crying and he's trying so hard to just bear the pain, so she can't let herself shed even a single tear.
There is a noise from somewhere outside the room and her blood runs cold; footsteps, and then voices, some of which she recognizes as the other captains. She doesn't know if they're intending to come in here to speak to Shinpachi or if they'll just be passing by, but if they hear his grunts of pain then surely they'll investigate, and that's not something she can allow, either. He wanted to keep this a secret.
(He wanted to not drink blood, too, but which is more important? Keeping his secret and ending his pain, or keeping him from having to do anything that would make him think of himself as a monster?)
It isn't an easy decision to make but she has to make one, and she glances down at her finger - coated in blood, now, and below it her wound is starting to heal so she's going to have to act quickly if she doesn't want to have to make another cut. Then she looks to his face and speaks in a barely audible whisper.]
I'm sorry.
[A bark of dry laughter pierces the air from the other side of the door - That sounds like Harada-san, she thinks - and she brings her bloodied finger to Shinpachi's lips.]
[ He can hear the voices too despite the pain taking over almost all of his senses. And he knows it's a bad thing, he knows he has to get back to normal as soon as possible just in case anyone decides to randomly check up on them or needs something from him, and Shinpachi grits his teeth in frustration as he tries to bring his hair back (to no avail) from white to its usual brown.
Logically he knows the only choice is to drink the blood, but when it comes to matters of ideals, he's never been too logical. He really does want to keep his condition a secret, but.. shit, how is he supposed to do it like this?
But before he can come to any choice, Chizuru is already making it for him. The finger is at his lips, and even Shinpachi's mental strength isn't enough to resist blood when it's practically on his lips already. His mouth opens before he can even think or protest and his tongue moves out to lick at the blood, first getting everything off his own lips and then moving to start lapping at her finger, trying to get every single last bit of it. It tastes so good, and he almost feels like someone in the middle of the desert who's finally found some water.
It's why he can't just stop drinking until he's gotten every single bit that's coming out of the already healing cut, and a hand shoots out to grab her wrist (not tightly or roughly, at least, apparently he has enough of his mind left to realise he shouldn't be treating Chizuru badly ever) and guide her finger into his mouth now, softly sucking on it while he licks at the blood that pours out, even if it may not be a lot.
It's only when the cut finally fully heals over and the steady blood supply stops that his hair starts to turn back to its actual color, and Shinpachi's eyes open wide when he realises just what he was doing while he was caught in the haze of actually having blood to drink. Half disgusted and half flustered, he moves her finger quickly out of his mouth, looking like a goldfish thrown out of the water as he's wrapping his head around things and wondering what he can even do to make this up to her, and he opens his mouth to say something but then there's that laugh and if Sano is right outside of his room, he'll definitely hear it if Shinpachi speaks up, so..
.. he doesn't really know how else to apologize without words. Just an apologetic look isn't going to do jack shit, it won't make up for something that's this bad in his eyes, so instead he reaches out towards the girl, pulling her close as his arms wrap around her (because obviously that would look less bad if people walked in, good job, Shinpachi..) and whispers in her hair so no one else will be able to hear it but her. ]
Don't apologize.. I'm the one who's sorry. [ Since it's because he's like this. She's just trying to help him-- like she always does, because Chizuru's just that kind of girl. And he's dragging her into all of this while he was trying to protect her to begin with, damn.. ]
[There's an undeniable relief when she feels his tongue flit out to lap up the blood from her finger - but it's mixed with something else that she has trouble identifying, and that brings a slight blush to her cheeks and makes her look down at their feet. Raising her gaze back to his face is difficult, not because he's drinking her blood - that's alright, it's just fine - but because it feels more intimate than she was really expecting.
She doesn't gasp even when he takes her by the wrist. He isn't rough with her (she wonders if he could ever be, now that her first days with the Shinsengumi feel as though they're so far away), but her finger being taken further into his mouth darkens the blush on her cheeks and she stays as quiet as she can, biting down on her lip to be sure no sounds escape, as he takes as much of her blood as he needs.
She is only able to bring herself to look up when he removes her finger from his mouth. In some ways, the part of his expression that is flustered makes her feel a little better - he's uncertain too, then, and it's okay if she's not really sure how she feels because this just means they'll have to figure it out together. But the part of his expression that's disgusted makes her feel so incredibly guilty, and she opens her mouth to say something -
But his arms are around her, she's so close to him, and he's whispering into her hair. The blush staining her cheeks really isn't going to go away at this rate and she's aware that someone could come in at any moment, but she wraps her arms around him anyway and whispers back.]
No... you have nothing to be sorry for.
[She was the one who had forced it, after all. She was the one who made the cut, and who, when he said no, brought the blood to his lips anyway. She's not sure she can forgive himself for that and he shouldn't be apologizing to her for it, not like this. Her stomach churns and her hold on him tightens a little.] Are you... [She takes a breath.] ...feeling better, though...?
[Forcing him to drink her blood - betraying his trust like that... it has to have meant something, at least. She has to know if the pain is lessened. Certainly he's not hunched over in agony anymore, but that doesn't necessarily mean he feels nothing. He's so strong. Surely he could hide it from her, even if he was in pain.
That was why the obvious pain of the bloodlust hurt so much to see, because for him to actually be showing it... for Shinpachi, who laughs and jokes and pretends everything is fine so that everyone else's morale will stay up, to be showing the pain he's in... the pain must have been excruciating.
And he was only going through that pain because he had been in the wrong place at the wrong time, because he had been with her when Kazama had appeared and because he had made her a promise. That promise has caused him to lose so much now. If there's anything at all she can do to lessen his suffering, she wants to do it. It's not even "has to" - she wants to.]
[ She's such a weird girl. Here he is, practically a monster, someone who might just lose control whenever for all god knows (although he's not going to let it happen as long as he has anything to say about it, he'll fight for his humanity until the very last moment since he doesn't want to exist as something that only acts upon instinct, that stick to the ideals and choices he's already made for himself) especially showed by how he just started sucking on her finger without really realising it and didn't stop - and despite all those things, she's still here, and when he holds her close to talk to her without everyone else noticing (much more a practical thing in his mind than something else, although he can sure feel the warmth of her body being so close to his, prompting a weird feeling to emerge in the pits of his stomach) she wraps her arms around him in return despite it not being necessary.
He couldn't be mad at her for practically forcing him to drink her blood. Shinpachi is not thick enough to not realise that she's doing it for his sake, that she just doesn't want to see him in pain even when he's just trying to press on through it. Besides, if anyone is to blame for this situation it's him, he chose to become a rasetsu, he chose to deal with all of this even if he hates it. ]
Yeah. It doesn't hurt.
[ And he's being genuine about it. Although it's true that he would be inclined to hide his pain - a trait many of the men of the Shinsengumi share - in this case the pain really did disappear completely when he had enough of her blood. He isn't planning on letting this be a thing that repeats though. He's not going to drink her blood again, next time he'll just make sure she's not around or-- well, or something. He'll deal with this situation somehow.
And he figures he really should be moving now and get out of his room and on with things so no one is going to think strangely of him being gone for a little bit too long (although he thinks they could figure he's just napping or being lazy or something), but somehow he doesn't feel like moving just yet. The blood made him feel less tired, so it's not that he can't get up, but..
.. there's something about holding her small frame in his arms and her warmth against his body and the soft but sweet smell that comes from her that he doesn't want to give up only to go endure the sun's burning rays again.
He doesn't understand the feeling and wouldn't even know what kind of name to put to it, but even so, he doesn't let go of her for another few moments without saying anything else. ]
The words are like music to Chizuru's ears and in spite of how strange this entire situation is, she can't help but smile. There was finally something she was able to do to be useful to him. It meant relying on her demonic abilities again - but... maybe that's okay. Shinpachi embraced something he wasn't born into, something he was opposed to, in order to protect her. Isn't it only fair if she embraces her bloodline in order to help him? She, at least, has always been a demon.]
I'm glad...
[...that he doesn't hurt, anyway. It breaks her heart to know that drinking blood was what he had to do in order to lessen the pain. She wonders if there's something else - anything else - that can be done for him. Not because she's afraid to give him her blood (she isn't, she trusts him implicitly even in this), but because it clearly bothers him to have to drink it. If only her father had brought her into his confidence about his research with the rasetsu.
...his research...
Her eyes go wide as it occurs to her. That's it. They're in Edo! His clinic isn't too far away - he had to have been working on it for awhile, before he went to Kyoto, for the rasetsu situation to have progressed as far as it had; it's possible that some of his notes are there. Maybe they can find something useful. Maybe if she reads up on it enough, she'll understand it more...
...and if she doesn't, Sannan is here. It wouldn't be too strange for her to find it, and bring it to him, and--... no. Can she trust Sannan with her father's research? He knows more about the rasetsu than any of the others in the Shinsengumi, but... he's so far entrenched into it, and he seems to embrace it more than anything. She wants help that will make it possible for Shinpachi to resist it.
Still, the possibility that they might find something at her house is exciting, and that excitement bubbles up within her as she looks up at him.]
Nagakura-san, I just thought of something wonderful..!
[...oh, that was loud. Her cheeks flush and she realizes that she hasn't pulled away yet, and neither has he, and there are people right on the other side of the door so she better step back before someone realizes they're in here and comes to check on them. Still, she's strangely reluctant as she pulls away from his embrace, though the reluctance isn't enough to quell her excitement. She's practically bouncing on her heels as she glances at the door as if to wonder if it's okay to say what she thought of in hushed tones, or if she should wait until they're really alone.]
[ For a moment he blinks at her sudden enthusiasm - and even when he gets over the initial surprise he still doesn't quite know where it just came from, really - but then he settles back into a smile, and it slowly grows wider. It's good to see her being this happy despite.. well, everything. The fact that the Shinsengumi are being driven into a corner more, even being forced to leave Kyoto, and then his condition, but.. apparently there's still something great she can think of, and he's more than willing to indulge her by listening to it.
It's why he doesn't really mind when she pulls away and he gives her a small nod and a hand gesture as if he's wordlessly saying he'll listen to her in a moment. Just in case it has to do with the secret they're both keeping together, he wants to make sure absolutely no one is listening in on this, on purpose or not.
So he walks away from her for a moment, sauntering over to the door. ]
Oi, Sano! Go chat somewhere else, won't ya, some of us are trying to nap after being at sea for so long! [ The excuse is probably convincing enough, he figures, especially since it's not like's known for not liking to sleep..
And surely enough it works. There's an answer from the other side of the door asking him if he's going to rest his old man bones, and as Shinpachi peeks his head out of the room there's a few words back and forth between the two men before the redhead tells him good night and saunters off, apparently not having noticed that Chizuru's still there in the room with him as well (which Shinpachi was trying to accomplish, anyway, since he doesn't really feel like making up an excuse and lying to Sano of all people - it's already hard enough to not let his best friend in on his little problem here) and that's when Shinpachi closes the door again.
Now he's sure they're really alone, he gives her a soft pat on the shoulder. ]
There, now no one's gonna listen. [ And he sure doesn't want to keep her waiting even a moment longer when she's so excited that it's visible even in her body language. ] Tell me, I'm all ears.
[ At least he's a lot more like his usual self by now, although it's maybe a tiny bit forced around the edges. But most of it is just Shinpachi pushing that whole blood drinking experience to the back of his mind to deal with it later - it's not like he can vent about it to anyone, so he'll just have to find some other way to go about it later on. But not in front of Chizuru, and especially not when he doesn't want to ruin her good mood. Even if the irony taste still lingers in the back of his throat. ]
[She waits impatiently (as impatiently as Chizuru can really manage, which mostly consists of some excited wriggling as she shifts her weight from one foot to another in an attempt to keep herself quiet while Shinpachi sends Sano away. It's not really a lie - at least, she hopes it's not, Shinpachi certainly could use a nap and if she has her way he'll be getting one soon enough. She'll share her idea, make him some tea, and then send him to bed.
But she's too excited by the possibility of being able to help to chide him for the little white lie, so basically as soon as he's finished speaking she bursts out,]
We're in Edo.
[...which doesn't really explain much, and her cheeks color a little when she realizes.] I mean, that is... my father's clinic is here, too. He may have left some of his notes there... In fact, he probably did. If Hijikata-san lets me go, I might be able to find something to help you, Nagakura-san!
[He might not have to drink blood, if he didn't want to. He might not have to drink blood. Maybe he could even be cured entirely.]
I never thought about it before, because we were in Kyoto, not Edo, and I never would have known what to tell someone to look for if they were to come here... and of course I couldn't go alone before. But now...!
[ It's not exactly the reason he expected she was being all excited over. After all, she's so excited since.. she can help him out, that's what she's saying, right? And although he also feels fairly excited at the idea that there might be anything at all left around there that details how to make the condition less worse, he's just excited since it's about his life, his humanity.
For Chizuru it shouldn't have anything to do with her whether he's a rasetsu or not, yet she's this excited just over the idea of being able to help him live a little bit more normally again..
.. he isn't entirely sure how to deal with it. It's a good thing, of course, but maybe a little too flattering, or.. well, not many people in his life have openly cared this much, so he just figures it's something he'll get used to eventually and then feel a little less embarrassed about it.
After he blinks the surprise away, he pats her on the shoulder. ]
Then let's go take a look. Hijikata-san can't complain if I'm with you. [ You thought you were going to go by yourself and let Shinpachi nap? Wrong idea, Chizuru, since he's already crossing the room to grab his haori and put it on. Usually he wouldn't have done so just in case it'd draw too much attention, but he's not stupid enough to go outside into the sun while exposing as much skin as his clothes always do. ] Is it far away from here?
[ Apparen't he's not going to take a "no stay here" for an answer.. ]
[She almost expects the pat on the shoulder. What she doesn't expect is for him to cross his room and go for his haori, and she blinks dumbly at him for a few seconds as his words register on her -
Hijikata-san can't complain if I'm with you -
And she blushes. She supposes it's true, because it's fairly obvious that Shinpachi won't get up to too much mischief if he's acting as Chizuru's escort; it's not quite the same thing as letting him wander the streets of Edo with Sano and Heisuke by his side. And she supposes it makes sense that he would want to go, since it's very much got to do with him, but he should be resting and...
Well. It's a little strange. Even if her father won't be there, the thought of bringing a man to her house...]
It's, um. It's... not too far. [It is a little far, but it's manageable - for her. For Shinpachi in the daytime, though...] But, you need to get your rest, Nagakura-san...! After such a long trip...
[It's the excuse he gave to Sano and she knows it's a flimsy one to try and use on him. In fact, she can already tell he's not really going to let her convince him to rest, so she starts crossing the room even as she tries halfheartedly to convince him.]
...well, you'll just have to promise to rest when we get back, all right?
[ At least she seems to give on the argument soon enough. Shinpachi's too busy throwing on his haori to immediately respond when she says he should be getting some rest, but apparently she already seems to have anticipated his response - because of course he's not going to rest, there's no way a human would have had to rest after that trip unless they were being lazy, so there's no need for him to go take a nap now.
.. although he probably can't argue with the last part. As much as he just wants to act and live like a normal person as much as possible, he knows it's impossible with his body. He just wants to sleep at night, but then he ends up lying awake for hours at a time or waking up after just a little bit of sleep since his biology just works that way now. So he probably should rest a little when they get back or he won't even be fit for battle anymore, and both for the sake of his own pride and his promise to take care of Chizuru he has to make sure to be in good shape. ]
I promise. [ He finally says when he has his haori on, smiling at her. It's a lot easier to distract himself from his condition when he's focusing on what he has to do, anyway. He really doesn't want to mope in front of Chizuru, even if that means building up all his frustrations inside.
The man walks over to her, his hand seeking out hers just to hook their pinkies together again, just like they did before all this shit went down. He moves them up so she can look at them too. ]
And I don't break promises. Remember?
[ He lingers like that for a moment, hoping it's enough to reassure her - he might be the king of bravado, but it's a lot harder to determine if he's doing a good job or not when he does feel pretty exhausted - before letting go again and turning towards the door. ]
[And, truthfully, that's why she'd phrased it the way she did, why she'd insisted on a promise rather than a "Sure, sure" or something along those lines. As long as he promises, she can rest easy knowing he'll be trying to get some rest, too.
She smiles at him over their hooked pinkies, and then, when he turns for the door, nods and follows him out. Luckily, there isn't anyone lingering in the immediate area to see her come out of his room - such a sight would surely set tongues wagging, especially after Shinpachi had sent Sano away because he "needed a nap" not too long before.
It doesn't take long at all for them to exit the inn, once they've gotten started; what takes longer is navigating the streets to find their way back to Chizuru's home. She has a general idea of where to go, because she knows where her house is located and approximately where the Kama Inn is in comparison to the things her house is close to, but never having made the trip before she can't help the slight expression of concern on her face as she scans their surroundings for familiar sights.
Finally she sees one, and the expression gives way to a careful relief because she knows it isn't much further at all, now.]
Nagakura-san, we're almost there...
[And that will be good, because with the sun beating down on them the way it is, he has to be tired. She's so thankful he thought to grab his haori before they left.
It's just another few turns around corners and then a quick walk down the street before she comes to a stop in front of her home, and it's not without some trepidation that she puts her hand on the door.] ...it's so strange to be back. [Her voice is a little quiet, and she knows she should just open it so they can get in out of the sun and get started, but she also knows that chances are it's dusty and quiet because neither she nor her father will have been here in years. It probably looks exactly the way she remembers it.
[ He has to hold back from letting out an actual sigh of relief when she says they're almost there. He's trying to pretend even in front of Chizuru that the sun isn't getting to him too much, after all - not because she can't know about his secret since she obviously already knows, but mostly just that he doesn't only want to give her more to worry about. He can deal with it, even if he can feel his steps threatening to get more sluggish, he just grits his teeth and walks on. It's all he can do.
And then they arrive at her house and Shinpachi can't help but stare for a moment. So this is the place Chizuru grew up, huh.. the place she must've spent so many days by herself after her father left to come to Kyoto, to them. He's lost in thought about it for a moment or two though, so he doesn't even notice the way she hesitates and lingers until he hears her speak up again. That's when he blinks and looks at her. Truthfully, part of him wishes she would just open the door so he could get somewhere out of the sun just for a little bit, but Shinpachi sure isn't going to push her for his own selfish needs, no way.
Besides.. he thinks he understands this, just a little bit. His own reasons for leaving his family's place were really different from her own, but it's been so many years at this point since he's even seen them or the house - traveling around, then Shieikan, then the Roshigumi, then the Shinsengumi - that he'd probably feel weird too, returning to it. He'd probably linger the exact same way she does.
Shinpachi tries to gather his energy to at least attempt to make her feel a little better. He already got some weird looks on the streets for walking around in his haori, so what will one dumbass moment more or less make worse for him now anyway, huh? ]
Oh, Chizuru-chan's so lucky..! [ He whistles. ] Ya got a whole place just waitin' for you like that, I'd probably have to go back to my parents on my hands and knees and rub my face against the floor for them to take me back. Maybe I should knock on your door instead if I'd ever need a place to stay in the future! [ Shinpachi makes sure to stupidly grin - which isn't hard, considering his usual smile is already a lot like it, he's just throwing a little more energy into it, hoping he can afford it. ]
i'm so mad i swear to god last time i checked i had posted a reply
[Shinpachi rubbing his face on the floor to get his family to take him back... it's an amusing mental image, but it comes to mind so suddenly that she's almost thrown for a loop. Is she allowed to laugh at it? It sounds like he's trying to cheer her up, and a smile does tug at her lips - a moment later, she giggles, because she just can't help herself. Shinpachi really does have a way of cheering her up, doesn't he...
She's not sure whether she should be embarrassed about what he says at the end of that or not. Her cheeks flush - just bringing him to her home to look around feels like a big step, and it makes her want to clam up when he even jokes about staying here, but there's something she wants to say that overshadows her embarrassment.]
If you did that... of course I would let you in. [Going further with that line of thought is daunting, though, and so she rolls open the door to usher him inside.] Um... for now, come in out of the sun...!
[The house is, as she expected, more than a little dusty. No one has lived here for years, after all, and she lets out a small sigh when she rolls the door shut after Shinpachi enters.]
...I'm sorry it's a bit of a mess. It could probably stand to be cleaned and aired out a little.
[ Of course Shinpachi is so oblivious that the implications of his joke there - even with the way she reacts to it which should make it obvious to anyone else, but alas.. - completely go over his head. Instead he makes sure to not stop grinning no matter how tired he feels, and he heads after her into the house.
Truthfully, he's not even paying attention to the dust or anything. All he can feel is blessed shadow and he doesn't think he's ever been so grateful for it before. He still tries to not let his exhaustion show too much, but he does take a seat on the floor instead of standing as he looks around, letting out a short breath. See, this is going to be fine. He'll just sit here and if Chizuru finds some papers he'll help her read through them and this way he can regain some of his energy as well instead of being threatened with the risk of passing out at any moment.
Although it's just tempting fate when a Shinsengumi member wonders what could possibly go wrong, huh. ]
Don't worry 'bout it. [ At least it sounds like he's being genuine about it - as he is with most things. ] It's not like I'm expecting you to take care of a house when you're in a different city entirely, huh? Guess no one's been able to take care of it ever since then.
[ Since they never did find Kodo, let alone that he just simply returned home as if nothing was up. ]
.. Well, don't mind me getting all comfortable at your place. [ Because he's already sitting and all.. at least he's not making an excuse to cover up the fact he's doing it since he feels tired, but he's not exactly mentioning it out loud either. He has his pride. ]
You got an idea of where he could've kept his stuff?
[It's probably for the best that none of the neighbors stopped by to clean; if they had, and if they'd found anything incriminating from her father's research - though she's sure he wouldn't have left anything important just lying around where anyone could find it, surely he'd have hidden it away somewhere - it could have been truly bad. But the dust makes it clear enough that no one has been here for a long time.
(Is this really almost four years' worth of dust? She's not sure, but she doesn't want to get her hopes up.)
She bites her lip and looks down the hall.]
He had a room where he would store some of his references... perhaps there. Or in his own bedroom.
[She can't make him search with her, so she smiles a little.] Please, keep making yourself comfortable. I'll be right back.
[And she vanishes down the hall... only to return with an armful of dusty texts a couple of minutes later. She kneels on the ground across from him and immediately gets to work, scanning through the pages and setting them aside whenever she doesn't find anything useful.
...it might be faster, to do the looking in that room, but she would much rather be out here, where Shinpachi is nearby and she doesn't feel so alone in the house that was once her home.
Funny, how the Shinsengumi's headquarters feels more like home, even now that she's back among these familiar walls.]
Ah...!
[It's some time later that she comes across something that looks promising - an intense look comes over her face as she reads through it, and then she leaps to her feet and runs back for her father's clinic with the notes in tow.
[ For once he doesn't think there's anything really boring about waiting by himself. Mostly since he really does need to just sit down for a few moments to feel like he's recovering his strength a little bit - or at least some energy to make it through the rest of today until he can find another moment to rest. And the moment she's walking back into the room with the texts, he does his best to look a lot more energetic and sit upright rather than half slumped.
He even tries to help along by picking up some of the texts. He might not exactly be specialised when it comes to medicine or anything, but he is smarter than he gets credit for, so he figures he should be able to find anything if it's in any of these texts..
.. except then apparently she finds it before him. Apparently, considering she doesn't actually say anything about her discovery, she just seems surprised and runs off. ]
O-- Oi, Chizuru-chan!
[ At first he calls out after her, but before he can muster the energy to get up she's already gone back.
Well, at least if anything or anyone wants to go there, they should at least pass by him, right? So it's not like she'll be in danger there, but.. really, he can't help but mentally fret a little after that encounter with Kazama.
For now he just lets out a small sigh and a whine though. ] Why does everyone always leave me behind..
[Chizuru would feel bad for just abandoning him, but the truth is she doesn't even hear him call out after her - the excitement of having possibly found some kind of a solution to his problem is so exciting that she's all but blocked everything out. It's fortunate, then, that she's with someone she can trust, because if she were alone it would sure as hell be easy to sneak up on her.
It's also fortunate that her father's supplies are well-labeled. She reads, she mixes, and after some time she emerges somewhat triumphantly with a handful of packets of medicinal powder and a folded-up piece of parchment that she's condensed her father's notes onto. Only somewhat triumphantly, though, because continuing to read after finding that first promising bit of information had taught her something more than a little discouraging.
But they're better off than where they were, and that's something to smile about, at least. Chizuru comes to Shinpachi's side and crouches down next to him with a smile.]
Nagakura-san. [She wishes she could say she's solved all his problems. She can't, but - ] I've found something that will give us more time to figure out an alternative to the blood.
[She turns out her hand so he can see the packets.] My father had notes about a medicine that can suppress the bloodlust... It's, um, it's not perfect. The more you take it, the less effective it becomes... [She wilts a little at that, but forges ahead, because they're still better off than they were before.] But I followed the directions exactly, and if you take it... it's supposed to help. It will give us more time for me to keep researching it. Maybe if I keep following his ideas, I can even make a medicine that will stop it entirely..!
[It's a long shot, she knows, and she has a lot to learn. But she's willing to learn it if it means saving him.
(...there's another option, too; Sannan has been studying the rasetsu longer than anyone. Maybe, if she cooperates with him... he'll cooperate with her, and will help her look into this. But that's something she keeps quiet about, because she has the distinct feeling Shinpachi wouldn't want to hear her making that kind of a bargain.)]
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[The offer surprises her - if only because, while she knows well enough by now that Shinpachi really would do everything in his power to make her feel more comfortable about basically anything, she also remembers how embarrassed he'd gotten that time he had brought her a brazier and then fallen asleep... but then she smiles a little, because that just goes to show how far they've come. He trusts her to be in a position where she might witness that again.
...and he trusts her to be around when, as a rasetsu, he'll probably be wide awake. She knows he's going to try and keep as normal a schedule as possible, but Heisuke and Sannan had always been much more awake when the moon was up; she can't help but wonder if it's the same for him, too. Both his face in slumber and his face lit up by moonlight are things that he actually trusts her to see.]
Actually... um, Nagakura-san.
[She starts to say something, and then hesitates. What she wants to ask is incredibly forward. Should she keep quiet? ...or should she ask it anyway?
She asks it anyway, looking up at him earnestly.]
Even if he does find me my own room... could I stay with you anyway? The others could have more space, or maybe we could save some money by not needing that extra room at all, and I'd like to spend time with you... [Her cheeks flush a little just by speaking the words.] That is, if you don't mind...!
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And this is definitely a case of the latter, since after that moment of staring, he just seems to shrug off the suggestion like water off a duck's back. ]
Why would I mind? [ Even if Shinpachi sucks when it comes to feelings until they hit him straight on the head, there's no doubt in his mind that Chizuru is important to him, at least. Otherwise he wouldn't have made those promises with her and done his best to live up to them at all times, even throwing away his humanity - the last thing he thought he'd ever do - for her without much hesitation at that moment.
And if she really wants to stay with him, then.. well, who would he be to deny her that? It's not like he realises just yet that it's probably more safe for her to be with him, anyway, but even just for her emotional comfort he wouldn't turn down a request like that. ]
If you wanna stay with me, then you're gonna stay with me, it's as simple as that. If Hijikata-san or anyone else protests, then they can just stick it up their ass.
[ SHINPACHI, NOT IN FRONT OF A GIRL.. at least he does seem to realise that after a moment, coughing a little awkwardly. ]
Uh, I mean-- .. you know.
[ Smooth. ]
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That smile becomes even brighter as he continues - If you wanna say with me, then you're gonna stay with me. There aren't many things in life that are that simple, but when Shinpachi says it's as simple as that, that's another thing she can believe. This man has a way of making the things he says into reality, anyway, and that's something she really admires about him.
She has to shift what she's carrying into the crook of her arm to bring a hand up to muffle her giggle when he corrects himself, though.]
Then... when we get there, I'll tell him. [Not to stick it up his ass, of course - her cheeks flush little when she realizes it could be taken that way, and she fumbles for a moment to try to find the right words to add to rid the statement of any ambiguity.] ...that I'm going to be with you.
[Even while blushing, she's still smiling; the fact that he's so willing to let her stay by his side warms her heart, and that's visible in - well, everything. The way her steps are less subdued, the way she's straightened up instead of hunched over like she's trying to make herself as small and unobtrusive as possible, and the way that there's still a smile on her face even when she lapses into silence while they continue their trek to the inn.
It isn't too long before they arrive, and soon enough each of them is being shown to their rooms so they can unpack. Chizuru dutifully follows after Shinpachi and, once the door is rolled away to reveal the room, she sets his bag down in one corner along with her own things and holds out her arms to Shinpachi for one of the boxes he's been carrying this whole way.]
Here, let me help. We'll get it done very quickly if we work together.
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(It's a little strange, the thought, but somehow there's a part of him that almost feels like it could keep on going forever as long as she would still put that smile on her face, even in their silences.)
If some people whisper about them going into a room together (isn't the boy supposed to be Hijikata's page, or the captains who are actually in on Chizuru's secret joking at him like Sano, who would have earned an elbow nudge if Shinpachi's arms weren't currently occupied by the boxes) then the man sure didn't seem to care and just ignores it for the most part until they're in there together.
He looks at Chizuru for a moment, as if he's judging whether she'd be able to handle one, but he wants to at least let her try rather than disappoint her, so he lowers the boxes a little bit so she can grab the top one. ]
Careful, they're heavy. [ So one at a time, okay, only he's allowed to carry more than that..!
By the time she grabs it off the pile, he moves to put down the other ones, letting out a loud sigh. It's only now that he realises just how exhausted he feels, having carried those boxes all the way through the sun. Shinpachi sinks to the floor - not completely out of his own control, but one he initiates the movement, it sure goes faster than he imagines - only to sit with his back leaning against one of the boxes.
He grabs one of the ends of his headband, tugging on it until it comes undone, and then he uses it to try and wipe some of the excessive sweat that's formed on his forehead off. Damn, he sure is pathetic, having this much trouble with just bringing a few boxes here, something that would have been easy for him otherwise.
At least he doesn't feel too bad about looking like this in front of her. He still has his pride, so of course he's not 100% okay with looking pathetic in front of anyone, let alone a girl, but at least she knows his secret. He has to keep up the act in front of everyone else, after all.
He wants to reassure her though, so he shoots her a tiny smile. ]
Sure is hot out there, huh. [ As if that's the only cause. ]
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As Shinpachi said, they could always tell them to... shove it up their ass, if anyone raised a fuss.
When he looks at her to assess her ability to take hold of a box she looks back at him with what she hopes is a very responsible and capable expression. It must be, because he finally does lower the boxes and she tiptoes up as he lowers them so that she can get a good grip on the top one. She hefts it up and her arms sag down because wow, that is heavy, but she manages not to drop it.
A moment later she's brought it over to sit beside the ones Shinpachi has already set down, and a moment after that, he's taking a seat and leaning against them. She smiles and crouches down a little, but doesn't settle herself because she wants to be able to get up quickly if she needs to.
His tiny smile is returned, and she tilts her head to the side as she thinks about his question. He's trying so hard to be normal, and she wants him to relax, so that means not calling attention to the things that stress him out. She's sure there is no way he could forget that he was a rasetsu, so for right now, there's no reason to remind him of that.
She knows his excuse is just that - an excuse - but she agrees with him anyway, even though it really isn't that hot out.] It is... but, that's Edo weather.
[And then there's a slight pause before her eyes go wide and she claps her hands together, something seeming to have just occurred to her.]
Oh, Nagakura-san! Why don't I get us something cool to drink, and a few snacks to eat? If I ask nicely, I think they'll let me use the kitchen here! We can have real Edo food again!
[She's done her best with what they had in Kyoto, but the ingredients just weren't the same. Here, they can have all the tastes of Edo if they want them, they're right at her fingertips.]
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But he's not the type who just sits around and feels sorry for himself either, he has to either do something with his emotions or at least try to cope and go on, which is why he keeps that small smile on his face, trying to muster up the enthusiasm he should be showing in return even if it only goes about halfway. ]
Sounds great. [ At least those words are nothing but honest. ] Although it's not like your stuff back in Kyoto wasn't good too.
[ He lets out a casual sigh, his tone turning a little lighter. ]
As long as it's Chizuru-chan's work, I'm sure it'll be delicious.
[ And it might be a good way to try and calm everything down a little and get more settled in. Hijikata and Kondou sounded like they had a lot of business to attend to here, but nothing they necessarily needed the captains for, so they'd most likely be sitting on their asses anyway. Then he might as well try to spend his time in nice ways.
So Shinpachi opens his mouth to continue further, but just as he's about to speak up again, a rush of something surges through him. And it's strong and sudden, making his breathing sounding a lot more uneven and for a moment it even almost sounds like he's choking on something, his eyes going wide.
It's like nothing he's ever felt before, and at first the feeling is so heavy that he doesn't even realise what it is. He only knows that it hurts, so much that even he can't fully hold it back in front of her. His hands uselessly grab at his chest and his head and shoulders bend so far it's almost like he just doubles over, groaning.
A moment later he does realise what it is, though. His hair turns entirely white and his eyes red. (He's so, so glad he closed that door behind the two of them now.)
This pain -- it's but another consequence of his decision.
Bloodlust. ]
-- Urk..!
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Neither of those things happen, though, because Shinpachi doubles over, and his hair whitens - one minute it's brown and then she blinks and it's white like snow. She's sure that, if she could see his face clearly, his eyes would be blood-red.]
Nagakura-san..!
[...it was only ever a matter of time. Somehow, they had avoided it happening on the ship, but she knows a little bit about the bloodlust from Heisuke and from what she's overheard.
The bloodlust was why she'd become involved with the Shinsengumi in the first place. Those escaped rasetsu so many years ago -
She banishes the thought and kneels down next to him, her expression one of acute concern. She isn't worried for herself, because she fully trusts that Shinpachi would never hurt her, even like this. She's worried for him because for him to have made that sound, for him to be clutching at his chest like that, it must really hurt. He usually doesn't show his pain... not in front of her, not in front of anyone.
She needs to help him. What can she do? How can she help lessen the pain of the bloodlust?
...bloodlust.]
Just... [She looks down at the blade at her waist with an expression of slowly dawning comprehension. There is something she can do. She can help him. She can...] Just hold on for another few moments. You'll be okay...
[And then she reaches for her blade, sliding it carefully out of its sheath. She can't believe she's about to do this - doesn't really know how Shinpachi will react to it - but all she can think is that if a little bit of blood (or a lot, even, she's a demon and she'll recover) will help lessen his pain, then she's glad to give it up. It doesn't matter. What matters is that he stop hurting, because he doesn't deserve this on top of everything else.
She takes a breath and presses the sharp edge of her sword into her finger to draw blood before she can lose her nerve or he can make any move to stop her. A few droplets of blood gush from the wound - it's not a large one, just enough to get some blood flowing, and she bites her lip as she offers her hand to him.
Please forgive me, Nagakura-san...]
Here... it might help. Please, it might help you...
[Her expression is desperate, pleading with him to do whatever it takes to make his pain disappear. She doesn't want him to have to suffer for even a moment longer.]
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There's too many worries and not enough left of his brain that can readily deal with them rather than just trying to deal with the pain itself.
But Chizuru says it, she says hold on for another few moments, that he'll be okay, and he knows she's right. It usually goes away after a little while, so all he has to do is bear it (and isn't that what he's always done best with everything, even with some venting here and there) and it'll be over and everything will be back to normal. He's going to be alright. The pain is going to go away. He repeats it as a mantra in his head, but even so, Shinpachi can't stop some pained noises from leaving him all the same as the pain wrecks his body.
But then he hears a familiar sound. A blade being pulled out of its sheath, and then before that sound even fully processed itself in his brain, the sound of something being cut--
The thought of Chizuru being in any kind of danger is enough to make him look forward again despite the pain, his eyes wide and red but also obviously worried, panicked. Did someone sneak in and do something to her while he's like this?
Shinpachi quickly notices though that that's not the case. No one cut Chizuru except for Chizuru herself, he's able to realise that when he can see her sword in one of her hands, and then on the other..
No. No, no, no, no, no-- he sees the blood and his brain immediately latches onto it, zooms in on it, practically. All he can see is the blood and the thick smell of it is all he can process and he wants it so badly. But at the same time he's disgusted, and that part of his brain being strong is what keeps him from practically propelling himself forward to drink all the blood he can out of the wound. Chizuru shouldn't have to do this for him, he shouldn't have to drink that, he can still be just like a human even if he's like this, right? He doesn't have to be some sort of monster who drinks blood from the one person he's been trying to protect the past while. ]
No.. [ Even if she's pleading with him, it's just not right-- she knows that too, doesn't she? He shakes his head, but there's sweat trinkling from his forehead and he almost looks like he's in even more pain from just staring at the blood rather than actually drinking it. ] C-.. Chizuru-chan, do.. n't..
[ Don't let him do this. ]
Dammit, I'm fin-- urgh..! [ He clenches his chest again, the pain coming back twice as strong. ]
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Please, Nagakura-san, it's-- [Her voice is too loud, too shrill. She glances quickly at the door to the room, chagrined, and then back to him. When she speaks again, her tone is hushed but no less desperate.] It's alright. You know I heal quickly, and it's just a little bit... just until we can figure out what to do...
[She feels like crying, but she can't let herself do that. Her pain is nothing compared to his; he's experiencing it, she's just watching it. He isn't crying and he's trying so hard to just bear the pain, so she can't let herself shed even a single tear.
There is a noise from somewhere outside the room and her blood runs cold; footsteps, and then voices, some of which she recognizes as the other captains. She doesn't know if they're intending to come in here to speak to Shinpachi or if they'll just be passing by, but if they hear his grunts of pain then surely they'll investigate, and that's not something she can allow, either. He wanted to keep this a secret.
(He wanted to not drink blood, too, but which is more important? Keeping his secret and ending his pain, or keeping him from having to do anything that would make him think of himself as a monster?)
It isn't an easy decision to make but she has to make one, and she glances down at her finger - coated in blood, now, and below it her wound is starting to heal so she's going to have to act quickly if she doesn't want to have to make another cut. Then she looks to his face and speaks in a barely audible whisper.]
I'm sorry.
[A bark of dry laughter pierces the air from the other side of the door - That sounds like Harada-san, she thinks - and she brings her bloodied finger to Shinpachi's lips.]
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Logically he knows the only choice is to drink the blood, but when it comes to matters of ideals, he's never been too logical. He really does want to keep his condition a secret, but.. shit, how is he supposed to do it like this?
But before he can come to any choice, Chizuru is already making it for him. The finger is at his lips, and even Shinpachi's mental strength isn't enough to resist blood when it's practically on his lips already. His mouth opens before he can even think or protest and his tongue moves out to lick at the blood, first getting everything off his own lips and then moving to start lapping at her finger, trying to get every single last bit of it. It tastes so good, and he almost feels like someone in the middle of the desert who's finally found some water.
It's why he can't just stop drinking until he's gotten every single bit that's coming out of the already healing cut, and a hand shoots out to grab her wrist (not tightly or roughly, at least, apparently he has enough of his mind left to realise he shouldn't be treating Chizuru badly ever) and guide her finger into his mouth now, softly sucking on it while he licks at the blood that pours out, even if it may not be a lot.
It's only when the cut finally fully heals over and the steady blood supply stops that his hair starts to turn back to its actual color, and Shinpachi's eyes open wide when he realises just what he was doing while he was caught in the haze of actually having blood to drink. Half disgusted and half flustered, he moves her finger quickly out of his mouth, looking like a goldfish thrown out of the water as he's wrapping his head around things and wondering what he can even do to make this up to her, and he opens his mouth to say something but then there's that laugh and if Sano is right outside of his room, he'll definitely hear it if Shinpachi speaks up, so..
.. he doesn't really know how else to apologize without words. Just an apologetic look isn't going to do jack shit, it won't make up for something that's this bad in his eyes, so instead he reaches out towards the girl, pulling her close as his arms wrap around her (because obviously that would look less bad if people walked in, good job, Shinpachi..) and whispers in her hair so no one else will be able to hear it but her. ]
Don't apologize.. I'm the one who's sorry. [ Since it's because he's like this. She's just trying to help him-- like she always does, because Chizuru's just that kind of girl. And he's dragging her into all of this while he was trying to protect her to begin with, damn.. ]
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She doesn't gasp even when he takes her by the wrist. He isn't rough with her (she wonders if he could ever be, now that her first days with the Shinsengumi feel as though they're so far away), but her finger being taken further into his mouth darkens the blush on her cheeks and she stays as quiet as she can, biting down on her lip to be sure no sounds escape, as he takes as much of her blood as he needs.
She is only able to bring herself to look up when he removes her finger from his mouth. In some ways, the part of his expression that is flustered makes her feel a little better - he's uncertain too, then, and it's okay if she's not really sure how she feels because this just means they'll have to figure it out together. But the part of his expression that's disgusted makes her feel so incredibly guilty, and she opens her mouth to say something -
But his arms are around her, she's so close to him, and he's whispering into her hair. The blush staining her cheeks really isn't going to go away at this rate and she's aware that someone could come in at any moment, but she wraps her arms around him anyway and whispers back.]
No... you have nothing to be sorry for.
[She was the one who had forced it, after all. She was the one who made the cut, and who, when he said no, brought the blood to his lips anyway. She's not sure she can forgive himself for that and he shouldn't be apologizing to her for it, not like this. Her stomach churns and her hold on him tightens a little.] Are you... [She takes a breath.] ...feeling better, though...?
[Forcing him to drink her blood - betraying his trust like that... it has to have meant something, at least. She has to know if the pain is lessened. Certainly he's not hunched over in agony anymore, but that doesn't necessarily mean he feels nothing. He's so strong. Surely he could hide it from her, even if he was in pain.
That was why the obvious pain of the bloodlust hurt so much to see, because for him to actually be showing it... for Shinpachi, who laughs and jokes and pretends everything is fine so that everyone else's morale will stay up, to be showing the pain he's in... the pain must have been excruciating.
And he was only going through that pain because he had been in the wrong place at the wrong time, because he had been with her when Kazama had appeared and because he had made her a promise. That promise has caused him to lose so much now. If there's anything at all she can do to lessen his suffering, she wants to do it. It's not even "has to" - she wants to.]
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He couldn't be mad at her for practically forcing him to drink her blood. Shinpachi is not thick enough to not realise that she's doing it for his sake, that she just doesn't want to see him in pain even when he's just trying to press on through it. Besides, if anyone is to blame for this situation it's him, he chose to become a rasetsu, he chose to deal with all of this even if he hates it. ]
Yeah. It doesn't hurt.
[ And he's being genuine about it. Although it's true that he would be inclined to hide his pain - a trait many of the men of the Shinsengumi share - in this case the pain really did disappear completely when he had enough of her blood. He isn't planning on letting this be a thing that repeats though. He's not going to drink her blood again, next time he'll just make sure she's not around or-- well, or something. He'll deal with this situation somehow.
And he figures he really should be moving now and get out of his room and on with things so no one is going to think strangely of him being gone for a little bit too long (although he thinks they could figure he's just napping or being lazy or something), but somehow he doesn't feel like moving just yet. The blood made him feel less tired, so it's not that he can't get up, but..
.. there's something about holding her small frame in his arms and her warmth against his body and the soft but sweet smell that comes from her that he doesn't want to give up only to go endure the sun's burning rays again.
He doesn't understand the feeling and wouldn't even know what kind of name to put to it, but even so, he doesn't let go of her for another few moments without saying anything else. ]
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The words are like music to Chizuru's ears and in spite of how strange this entire situation is, she can't help but smile. There was finally something she was able to do to be useful to him. It meant relying on her demonic abilities again - but... maybe that's okay. Shinpachi embraced something he wasn't born into, something he was opposed to, in order to protect her. Isn't it only fair if she embraces her bloodline in order to help him? She, at least, has always been a demon.]
I'm glad...
[...that he doesn't hurt, anyway. It breaks her heart to know that drinking blood was what he had to do in order to lessen the pain. She wonders if there's something else - anything else - that can be done for him. Not because she's afraid to give him her blood (she isn't, she trusts him implicitly even in this), but because it clearly bothers him to have to drink it. If only her father had brought her into his confidence about his research with the rasetsu.
...his research...
Her eyes go wide as it occurs to her. That's it. They're in Edo! His clinic isn't too far away - he had to have been working on it for awhile, before he went to Kyoto, for the rasetsu situation to have progressed as far as it had; it's possible that some of his notes are there. Maybe they can find something useful. Maybe if she reads up on it enough, she'll understand it more...
...and if she doesn't, Sannan is here. It wouldn't be too strange for her to find it, and bring it to him, and--... no. Can she trust Sannan with her father's research? He knows more about the rasetsu than any of the others in the Shinsengumi, but... he's so far entrenched into it, and he seems to embrace it more than anything. She wants help that will make it possible for Shinpachi to resist it.
Still, the possibility that they might find something at her house is exciting, and that excitement bubbles up within her as she looks up at him.]
Nagakura-san, I just thought of something wonderful..!
[...oh, that was loud. Her cheeks flush and she realizes that she hasn't pulled away yet, and neither has he, and there are people right on the other side of the door so she better step back before someone realizes they're in here and comes to check on them. Still, she's strangely reluctant as she pulls away from his embrace, though the reluctance isn't enough to quell her excitement. She's practically bouncing on her heels as she glances at the door as if to wonder if it's okay to say what she thought of in hushed tones, or if she should wait until they're really alone.]
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It's why he doesn't really mind when she pulls away and he gives her a small nod and a hand gesture as if he's wordlessly saying he'll listen to her in a moment. Just in case it has to do with the secret they're both keeping together, he wants to make sure absolutely no one is listening in on this, on purpose or not.
So he walks away from her for a moment, sauntering over to the door. ]
Oi, Sano! Go chat somewhere else, won't ya, some of us are trying to nap after being at sea for so long! [ The excuse is probably convincing enough, he figures, especially since it's not like's known for not liking to sleep..
And surely enough it works. There's an answer from the other side of the door asking him if he's going to rest his old man bones, and as Shinpachi peeks his head out of the room there's a few words back and forth between the two men before the redhead tells him good night and saunters off, apparently not having noticed that Chizuru's still there in the room with him as well (which Shinpachi was trying to accomplish, anyway, since he doesn't really feel like making up an excuse and lying to Sano of all people - it's already hard enough to not let his best friend in on his little problem here) and that's when Shinpachi closes the door again.
Now he's sure they're really alone, he gives her a soft pat on the shoulder. ]
There, now no one's gonna listen. [ And he sure doesn't want to keep her waiting even a moment longer when she's so excited that it's visible even in her body language. ] Tell me, I'm all ears.
[ At least he's a lot more like his usual self by now, although it's maybe a tiny bit forced around the edges. But most of it is just Shinpachi pushing that whole blood drinking experience to the back of his mind to deal with it later - it's not like he can vent about it to anyone, so he'll just have to find some other way to go about it later on. But not in front of Chizuru, and especially not when he doesn't want to ruin her good mood. Even if the irony taste still lingers in the back of his throat. ]
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But she's too excited by the possibility of being able to help to chide him for the little white lie, so basically as soon as he's finished speaking she bursts out,]
We're in Edo.
[...which doesn't really explain much, and her cheeks color a little when she realizes.] I mean, that is... my father's clinic is here, too. He may have left some of his notes there... In fact, he probably did. If Hijikata-san lets me go, I might be able to find something to help you, Nagakura-san!
[He might not have to drink blood, if he didn't want to. He might not have to drink blood. Maybe he could even be cured entirely.]
I never thought about it before, because we were in Kyoto, not Edo, and I never would have known what to tell someone to look for if they were to come here... and of course I couldn't go alone before. But now...!
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For Chizuru it shouldn't have anything to do with her whether he's a rasetsu or not, yet she's this excited just over the idea of being able to help him live a little bit more normally again..
.. he isn't entirely sure how to deal with it. It's a good thing, of course, but maybe a little too flattering, or.. well, not many people in his life have openly cared this much, so he just figures it's something he'll get used to eventually and then feel a little less embarrassed about it.
After he blinks the surprise away, he pats her on the shoulder. ]
Then let's go take a look. Hijikata-san can't complain if I'm with you. [ You thought you were going to go by yourself and let Shinpachi nap? Wrong idea, Chizuru, since he's already crossing the room to grab his haori and put it on. Usually he wouldn't have done so just in case it'd draw too much attention, but he's not stupid enough to go outside into the sun while exposing as much skin as his clothes always do. ] Is it far away from here?
[ Apparen't he's not going to take a "no stay here" for an answer.. ]
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[She almost expects the pat on the shoulder. What she doesn't expect is for him to cross his room and go for his haori, and she blinks dumbly at him for a few seconds as his words register on her -
Hijikata-san can't complain if I'm with you -
And she blushes. She supposes it's true, because it's fairly obvious that Shinpachi won't get up to too much mischief if he's acting as Chizuru's escort; it's not quite the same thing as letting him wander the streets of Edo with Sano and Heisuke by his side. And she supposes it makes sense that he would want to go, since it's very much got to do with him, but he should be resting and...
Well. It's a little strange. Even if her father won't be there, the thought of bringing a man to her house...]
It's, um. It's... not too far. [It is a little far, but it's manageable - for her. For Shinpachi in the daytime, though...] But, you need to get your rest, Nagakura-san...! After such a long trip...
[It's the excuse he gave to Sano and she knows it's a flimsy one to try and use on him. In fact, she can already tell he's not really going to let her convince him to rest, so she starts crossing the room even as she tries halfheartedly to convince him.]
...well, you'll just have to promise to rest when we get back, all right?
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.. although he probably can't argue with the last part. As much as he just wants to act and live like a normal person as much as possible, he knows it's impossible with his body. He just wants to sleep at night, but then he ends up lying awake for hours at a time or waking up after just a little bit of sleep since his biology just works that way now. So he probably should rest a little when they get back or he won't even be fit for battle anymore, and both for the sake of his own pride and his promise to take care of Chizuru he has to make sure to be in good shape. ]
I promise. [ He finally says when he has his haori on, smiling at her. It's a lot easier to distract himself from his condition when he's focusing on what he has to do, anyway. He really doesn't want to mope in front of Chizuru, even if that means building up all his frustrations inside.
The man walks over to her, his hand seeking out hers just to hook their pinkies together again, just like they did before all this shit went down. He moves them up so she can look at them too. ]
And I don't break promises. Remember?
[ He lingers like that for a moment, hoping it's enough to reassure her - he might be the king of bravado, but it's a lot harder to determine if he's doing a good job or not when he does feel pretty exhausted - before letting go again and turning towards the door. ]
C'mon, let's go!
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[And, truthfully, that's why she'd phrased it the way she did, why she'd insisted on a promise rather than a "Sure, sure" or something along those lines. As long as he promises, she can rest easy knowing he'll be trying to get some rest, too.
She smiles at him over their hooked pinkies, and then, when he turns for the door, nods and follows him out. Luckily, there isn't anyone lingering in the immediate area to see her come out of his room - such a sight would surely set tongues wagging, especially after Shinpachi had sent Sano away because he "needed a nap" not too long before.
It doesn't take long at all for them to exit the inn, once they've gotten started; what takes longer is navigating the streets to find their way back to Chizuru's home. She has a general idea of where to go, because she knows where her house is located and approximately where the Kama Inn is in comparison to the things her house is close to, but never having made the trip before she can't help the slight expression of concern on her face as she scans their surroundings for familiar sights.
Finally she sees one, and the expression gives way to a careful relief because she knows it isn't much further at all, now.]
Nagakura-san, we're almost there...
[And that will be good, because with the sun beating down on them the way it is, he has to be tired. She's so thankful he thought to grab his haori before they left.
It's just another few turns around corners and then a quick walk down the street before she comes to a stop in front of her home, and it's not without some trepidation that she puts her hand on the door.] ...it's so strange to be back. [Her voice is a little quiet, and she knows she should just open it so they can get in out of the sun and get started, but she also knows that chances are it's dusty and quiet because neither she nor her father will have been here in years. It probably looks exactly the way she remembers it.
...that sort of frightens her.]
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And then they arrive at her house and Shinpachi can't help but stare for a moment. So this is the place Chizuru grew up, huh.. the place she must've spent so many days by herself after her father left to come to Kyoto, to them. He's lost in thought about it for a moment or two though, so he doesn't even notice the way she hesitates and lingers until he hears her speak up again. That's when he blinks and looks at her. Truthfully, part of him wishes she would just open the door so he could get somewhere out of the sun just for a little bit, but Shinpachi sure isn't going to push her for his own selfish needs, no way.
Besides.. he thinks he understands this, just a little bit. His own reasons for leaving his family's place were really different from her own, but it's been so many years at this point since he's even seen them or the house - traveling around, then Shieikan, then the Roshigumi, then the Shinsengumi - that he'd probably feel weird too, returning to it. He'd probably linger the exact same way she does.
Shinpachi tries to gather his energy to at least attempt to make her feel a little better. He already got some weird looks on the streets for walking around in his haori, so what will one dumbass moment more or less make worse for him now anyway, huh? ]
Oh, Chizuru-chan's so lucky..! [ He whistles. ] Ya got a whole place just waitin' for you like that, I'd probably have to go back to my parents on my hands and knees and rub my face against the floor for them to take me back. Maybe I should knock on your door instead if I'd ever need a place to stay in the future! [ Shinpachi makes sure to stupidly grin - which isn't hard, considering his usual smile is already a lot like it, he's just throwing a little more energy into it, hoping he can afford it. ]
i'm so mad i swear to god last time i checked i had posted a reply
[Shinpachi rubbing his face on the floor to get his family to take him back... it's an amusing mental image, but it comes to mind so suddenly that she's almost thrown for a loop. Is she allowed to laugh at it? It sounds like he's trying to cheer her up, and a smile does tug at her lips - a moment later, she giggles, because she just can't help herself. Shinpachi really does have a way of cheering her up, doesn't he...
She's not sure whether she should be embarrassed about what he says at the end of that or not. Her cheeks flush - just bringing him to her home to look around feels like a big step, and it makes her want to clam up when he even jokes about staying here, but there's something she wants to say that overshadows her embarrassment.]
If you did that... of course I would let you in. [Going further with that line of thought is daunting, though, and so she rolls open the door to usher him inside.] Um... for now, come in out of the sun...!
[The house is, as she expected, more than a little dusty. No one has lived here for years, after all, and she lets out a small sigh when she rolls the door shut after Shinpachi enters.]
...I'm sorry it's a bit of a mess. It could probably stand to be cleaned and aired out a little.
dw is trying to stop the route from happening...
Truthfully, he's not even paying attention to the dust or anything. All he can feel is blessed shadow and he doesn't think he's ever been so grateful for it before. He still tries to not let his exhaustion show too much, but he does take a seat on the floor instead of standing as he looks around, letting out a short breath. See, this is going to be fine. He'll just sit here and if Chizuru finds some papers he'll help her read through them and this way he can regain some of his energy as well instead of being threatened with the risk of passing out at any moment.
Although it's just tempting fate when a Shinsengumi member wonders what could possibly go wrong, huh. ]
Don't worry 'bout it. [ At least it sounds like he's being genuine about it - as he is with most things. ] It's not like I'm expecting you to take care of a house when you're in a different city entirely, huh? Guess no one's been able to take care of it ever since then.
[ Since they never did find Kodo, let alone that he just simply returned home as if nothing was up. ]
.. Well, don't mind me getting all comfortable at your place. [ Because he's already sitting and all.. at least he's not making an excuse to cover up the fact he's doing it since he feels tired, but he's not exactly mentioning it out loud either. He has his pride. ]
You got an idea of where he could've kept his stuff?
dw can't handle the heartbreak
(Is this really almost four years' worth of dust? She's not sure, but she doesn't want to get her hopes up.)
She bites her lip and looks down the hall.]
He had a room where he would store some of his references... perhaps there. Or in his own bedroom.
[She can't make him search with her, so she smiles a little.] Please, keep making yourself comfortable. I'll be right back.
[And she vanishes down the hall... only to return with an armful of dusty texts a couple of minutes later. She kneels on the ground across from him and immediately gets to work, scanning through the pages and setting them aside whenever she doesn't find anything useful.
...it might be faster, to do the looking in that room, but she would much rather be out here, where Shinpachi is nearby and she doesn't feel so alone in the house that was once her home.
Funny, how the Shinsengumi's headquarters feels more like home, even now that she's back among these familiar walls.]
Ah...!
[It's some time later that she comes across something that looks promising - an intense look comes over her face as she reads through it, and then she leaps to her feet and runs back for her father's clinic with the notes in tow.
...you got ditched, Shinpachi.]
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He even tries to help along by picking up some of the texts. He might not exactly be specialised when it comes to medicine or anything, but he is smarter than he gets credit for, so he figures he should be able to find anything if it's in any of these texts..
.. except then apparently she finds it before him. Apparently, considering she doesn't actually say anything about her discovery, she just seems surprised and runs off. ]
O-- Oi, Chizuru-chan!
[ At first he calls out after her, but before he can muster the energy to get up she's already gone back.
Well, at least if anything or anyone wants to go there, they should at least pass by him, right? So it's not like she'll be in danger there, but.. really, he can't help but mentally fret a little after that encounter with Kazama.
For now he just lets out a small sigh and a whine though. ] Why does everyone always leave me behind..
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It's also fortunate that her father's supplies are well-labeled. She reads, she mixes, and after some time she emerges somewhat triumphantly with a handful of packets of medicinal powder and a folded-up piece of parchment that she's condensed her father's notes onto. Only somewhat triumphantly, though, because continuing to read after finding that first promising bit of information had taught her something more than a little discouraging.
But they're better off than where they were, and that's something to smile about, at least. Chizuru comes to Shinpachi's side and crouches down next to him with a smile.]
Nagakura-san. [She wishes she could say she's solved all his problems. She can't, but - ] I've found something that will give us more time to figure out an alternative to the blood.
[She turns out her hand so he can see the packets.] My father had notes about a medicine that can suppress the bloodlust... It's, um, it's not perfect. The more you take it, the less effective it becomes... [She wilts a little at that, but forges ahead, because they're still better off than they were before.] But I followed the directions exactly, and if you take it... it's supposed to help. It will give us more time for me to keep researching it. Maybe if I keep following his ideas, I can even make a medicine that will stop it entirely..!
[It's a long shot, she knows, and she has a lot to learn. But she's willing to learn it if it means saving him.
(...there's another option, too; Sannan has been studying the rasetsu longer than anyone. Maybe, if she cooperates with him... he'll cooperate with her, and will help her look into this. But that's something she keeps quiet about, because she has the distinct feeling Shinpachi wouldn't want to hear her making that kind of a bargain.)]
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budget cut tag because i lost this tag like three times augh i'm sorry
sshh it's okay also that font color is teal so you don't have to look it up..
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