December 1867 The Shinsengumi takes part in the battle of Toba-Fushimi. Tempers run high after Kondou is shot. Shinpachi is sent out to the frontlines of the desperate battle with Chizuru being ordered to be his shield from all the cannons and the guns. Shinpachi doesn't like the idea of it even one bit, but there's no time to try and convince her or any of the others to make her stay at the magistrate's office. After a desperate battle the only survivor of the second division is Shinpachi - thanks to Chizuru. They make a hasty retreat from the impossible battle, but on the way back to the others they run into Kazama instead. In order to protect the girl he made a promise with, Shinpachi is forced to drink the ochimizu and betray his own ideals.
He was going to go out and to the frontlines despite everyone already knowing in advance this battle was going to be very dangerous with a cannon around, despite knowing that there's a high chance he'll die - but Shinpachi doesn't just believe in that. If there's a high chance, then he'll just have to beat the odds somehow, it's really that simple. But even though he has full confidence in his own skills and his men's, apparently some other members of the Shinsengumi hadn't trusted it as much. Reluctant to lose a captain (especially with Shinpachi's complete refusal towards the ochimizu, unlike Sannan or Heisuke) Hijikata had ordered Chizuru to go with him just in case a bullet would catch him off guard. After all, with her demon blood those would hardly do anything to her. And Shinpachi did spend a few good minutes protesting the decision, shouting at Hijikata and whoever else he could find, even trying to tell Chizuru herself to stay back, but.. no one would listen. And he really didn't have any more time to try and argue it when the cannon just kept going in the distance, so in the end - as much as he hated it - there was no other choice than to suck it up.
Maybe the fact that their promise was still fresh on her mind (because it was still on his as well) was what caused that Chizuru herself wouldn't change her mind either, but Shinpachi isn't just going to take the fact she's supposed to get hurt for his sake. Even though the soldiers with the guns are coming closer and closer and the air is starting to get heavy with traces of gunpowder and the sound of the cannon and the guns rings loudly in his ears, he's still standing there fighting and trying to push Chizuru behind him rather than letting her get in front of him with every chance he has.
But the chances are appearing fewer and fewer the more he has to focus on battle in order to not get killed. Some of the bullets already grazed him, but he knows he can't afford much more than that or he'll end up like Kondou. Except in enemy territory, so even worse.
It doesn't help that it's so impossible to get closer to most of the soldiers with guns..
Shinpachi grits his teeth. ] Chizuru-chan, you 'kay? [ He doesn't turn to look at her, he doesn't have the opening for it, but he needs to make sure she's still there, that she's still okay. He can't just let her get hurt here, no matter her supposed duty. ]
[It's true that the rush of battle isn't exhilarating to her. She takes no pleasure from the men's battle cries or the rattle of gunfire or the sharp clang of metal on metal or the thunderous roar of the cannons. Some people thrive in environments like this, bloom all the more beautifully in adversity and grow from it. Chizuru just feels sick.
But more terrifying than the thought of a gunshot wound is the thought of watching Shinpachi's back as he marches off to do his duty and then watching solemnly as men bear him back, cold and lifeless instead of warm and bright because some bullet or sword found its way to his gut. She would face a million battles if it meant never having to entertain the thought that someday the spark of life in him would be snuffed out.
In theory she had a choice. She could have refused (because she's not really a part of the Shinsengumi). In practice there was no choice at all - she could never refuse (because she wants, so badly, to be a support to these men). And how could she say no? When her help could mean safety for Shinpachi, who had selflessly sworn to protect her?
She knows, deep in her bones, that he would protect her from anything. He meant his promise; they hadn't just been empty words to make her feel better. She can't repay that kindness with selfishness.
And it's true, she makes an ideal shield. The ability to recover from grievous wounds is in her, in her blood and her bones, all of the healing benefits of the rasetsu without the bloodlust-fueled madness. And, ultimately, she is expendable. Heisuke can't be Shinpachi's cover; they need him. They don't need her, and while it's ideal if she lives to go on to be of use to them another day, if she doesn't it's not a loss to them the same way it would be if they lost any of their captains.
But she doesn't go into this thinking, I'll die for him, because that would make him a liar. He promised he would keep her safe. But to do that he has to live, too, he has to live past this terrible battle because he can't protect her if he's dead. He dies, and his promise is broken. She dies, and his promise is broken. The only way to keep him from being a liar is for them both to make it out alive and she knows, deep down, that if she's careful she'll survive this even if the pain of any wounds she suffers is unbearable. As long as they neither pierce her heart nor sever her head...
Even Shinpachi's protests hadn't been enough to sway her from this course, because he might be worried but she's already decided that no matter what, regardless of what she has to do to make it that way, they're both going to live.
The air is heavy with smoke and the mixed scent of gunpowder and blood - not a pleasant combination in the slightest. Around them, the sound of a pitched battle swells with screams and bursts of cannonfire and she wishes she could block it all out, but she can't. The only thing that cuts through the terror is the knowledge that she needs to be alert to protect him, and so she keeps her eyes open for any incoming soldiers or bullets - ]
I'm here, Nagakura-san. I won't leave your side.
[ - and the sound of his voice. That cuts through the terror, too; it doesn't matter how loud the horror around them is because when he addresses her, she'll respond. That's just a fact.
Also a fact: She refuses to let anything stop her from protecting him, even him. When he tries to shield her, she yields for a moment, but only so that he'll relax long enough for her to get back into place. And when the crack of a bullet cuts through the air, she moves instantly, faster than she even knew she could move with her back to the direction of the sound and her arms thrust out to keep him from moving between her and the noise.
...but, ultimately, her quick action isn't necessary; the soldier's aim is off by a large margin and the bullet finds its purchase in the trunk of a tree, not in either of their flesh. But she doesn't relax and should he look down at her, her expression will be on-edge and alert as she listens and watches for any sound or sight that might indicate another attempt on his life.]
[ If there's anything good about this situation at all, it's the knowledge that she'll stick by his side - not for the reasons she might think, but for his own reasons. He already has enough to worry about without adding on the fact that he needs to make sure she's right there on top of everything. Even though Hijikata really increased his trouble more than anything when he sent her along, since even though she's supposed to be an asset when used right, Shinpachi hates to think of other people in terms of using them. So all he can think of is the double agenda he has right now - he wants to be bold and break through enemy lines, since playing it careful here isn't going to do jack shit, but at the same time he also wants to play it careful so she won't get stuck in a barrage of gunshots.
And he glances at her and he can see just how alert she is, how aware of everything around her and on one hand he's glad to see it since it means she's less likely to be caught in the middle of an attack by surprise, but he also loathes the idea that she's doing this for him, so she can make sure that if someone gets hurt, it's her and not him.
His stomach turns. It's just not right, the way she almost took that bullet. He remembers Sano protesting too before Shinpachi and his division marched out, saying that Chizuru is a woman and that she shouldn't have to be on the battlefield because of that--
Even though it's a good protest, it's nowhere near the whole of the story as far as Shinpachi is concerned. Sure, Chizuru is a woman, but that's not the foremost reason she shouldn't be here. It's exactly because she's Chizuru. Cute Chizuru who always smiles, who's there whenever you had a bad day patrolling to get your spirits right back up with good food, who worried so much about every single one of them (and him, he knows from their conversation) even though they threatened to kill her when she first stumbled upon one of their secrets.
Someone like that shouldn't have to do this. Someone like that shouldn't have to be here, for his sake, to save his life.
Call it selfish (although Shinpachi has usually never had any trouble with making selfish decisions since he just does what he believes in and not what anyone else tells him to) but it's also just that he personally doesn't want to see the girl he made a promise with hurt.
But right now, there's a battle to focus on. A division that needs its leader, and he stares ahead into the trees and smoke before gently touching her wrist, as if he's wordlessly telling her to follow him, before letting go so he can properly hold onto his sword again. He'd prefer to drag her along and make sure she's actually following, but he can't afford that luxury now.
He makes his way through the trees, trying to seek cover with them, and actually does manage to find a few gunmen who have tried to hide themselves among them. Shinpachi hates dirty tactics, but knowing there's no way he can face a gun head on, he just puts his sword straight through the first one they come across from the back. The enemy soldier crumbles to the ground before he even knows what hit him.
It's only small victories like that in the middle of all this though. The gunshots keep ringing out (do they never run out of bullets?) and there's way too many men in blue haori lying all across the floor and too few enemy soldiers. Some of them recognizable too, men he's fought next to for years and years.
It's just when Shinpachi is glancing down at one as they pass it that a gunshot rings out. From close by.
[The crack of the gunshot splits the air, and Chizuru doesn't think - she just reacts. In the blink of an eye she's shifted the angle of her body to put herself between Shinpachi and the bullet. There's no planning, there's just instinct, because trying to stop to figure out where the sound came from and what the bullet's trajectory is would take too long.
The bullet bites into her skin - burying itself about midway down her back and she doesn't even care that it's an injury from behind, that it might look like she was fleeing, if the wound is examined later. As long as Shinpachi lives it will be clear enough that she did her duty and stayed where she was supposed to. She can do this, she's going to do this, she can take it -
But even though her body can mend itself, she doesn't have a high tolerance for pain. She lets out a sharp cry as the bullet rips itself into her and reaches, also instinctively, for Shinpachi's arm, her body slumping against his and her knees trembling with the effort of not succumbing to the pain and giving out. Somewhere in the distance - or is it nearby? The battle is so loud, she can't tell - there's a sound that is suspiciously similar to an exchange of words -
"Got one!" "Good, now get the other."
The other... that means Shinpachi. She can't allow that to happen. She forces herself to loosen the stranglehold she has on his arm and straightens up, the sharp tang of her own blood filling her nostrils as she feels her body reject the bullet - somehow, it lands lightly on the ground and her feet, soaked in blood, and she's grateful because she doesn't want the wound to heal over with the bullet still inside her - and feels the telltale tingling of her skin starting to knit itself back together. It hurts, it hurts so much, but though her mind is still reeling from the pain her body isn't at the limit of what it can take.]
Nagakura-san. [Her voice sounds strained and a little weak, too quiet for anyone but him to hear, but there's a stubborn note in it that indicates she won't back down on this.] I'm going to draw their fire. [She knows, now, that he is so much more intelligent than he lets on. She knows that he'll know what to do with an enemy that is focusing their attention on a single target - knows that he'll recognize them for the sitting ducks they're about to be.
And she trusts him to cut them down quickly.
She lingers close to him for just one moment, because she feels safe at his side even when she's just been shot, but then she hears the sound of someone reloading their gun - how can she hear that, she wonders? - and she turns her head to glare at them sharply. She hears their intake of breath even from all the way over here.
Unbeknownst to her, her hair is starting to lighten - not unlike the rasetsu Shinpachi is familiar with. She hears a few scattered curses and then someone on their end barks out an order -
"Kill it!" It. They've already concluded she isn't human? She takes one step toward them and if this weren't such a dire situation she might find some amusement in the way they panic, because her hand resting on the hilt of her sword like she's going to personally slaughter them is mostly a bluff. But it works, because she can take a few more steps toward before they stop hesitating and open fire. "Kill it right now!"
Bullet after bullet rips into her and it's like slow motion - she can see them coming. Somehow, she knows which ones are safe to dodge (they won't hit Shinpachi if they don't hit her) and which ones she has to take (because she'd be an awful shield if she avoided injury herself and got him shot because of it).
She steps closer and closer to them as they continue to fire - maybe they'll just run out of bullets - and keeps her expression serious, grim, as their panic becomes more apparent because even though it hurts she isn't falling, she's just steadily continuing to advance on them as her body mends itself the way it was born to.
Every sting of a bullet is a relief. Because if it's her being shot, it isn't him.]
Edited (html fucked up mid-sentence o_O) 2014-05-15 13:33 (UTC)
It's stupid, but it's almost like he freezes up when he sees it, when he spots her getting hit by the bullet, the sound she makes and the way she nearly collapses on him-- this really can't be happening. This is exactly what he was trying to avoid, and by the time he's enough aware of the situation again to be able to move he tries to grab her and support her.
But it's already too late, the bullet falls out, letting out a light chime as it hits the earth. Seeing her healing powers in action doesn't really surprise him - she did recover way quickly after that night when Sannan seriously injured her arm, after all - but the fact that she even got hurt to begin with is something he just can't let go. Here he is, a strong warrior, captain of one of the divisions of the Shinsengumi, everything he ever worked for-- and he's letting an innocent girl take bullets for him, even if it's not voluntarily.
And when she walks off and her hair changes color from night to snow, all he can think about is just how badly he wants to chase after her and grab her and pull her far away from this battlefield where she just doesn't belong. But he also knows that if he just storms after her, all her pain will have been for nothing - he'd just get them both killed. So even though he mentally curses himself and kicks the ground, Shinpachi knows that all he can do here to help her (and himself, but that's of lesser consequence right now) survive is fight dirty. Killing people from behind. Letting someone important to him who isn't even a warrior take blows in his place.
God, what is this battle doing to him?
But for now there's no time to reflect on it. Every moment he hesitates is another moment Chizuru suffers, so he's already moving, running until he's right behind the squad firing at the poor girl. And it only takes seconds before they're all bodies on the floor - striking two in one swing, then another, then another, his thrusts even stronger than usually since it contains all the hatred he can muster up for cowards who'd shoot at a girl even before they realised Chizuru is a little bit more than that.
There's only a brief moment where he allows himself after the strikes to make sure there isn't another one of those soldiers close by, but then he's already moving over to the girl. And without saying a word in advance, he grabs her with the arm that isn't carrying the blood-soaked sword, holding her so close to him that he presses her against his chest, holding onto her with an vice-like grip even if it's just one arm he's using, even if he's smeared with blood and dirt and cuts from the battle.
He doesn't care. He's not going to let go of her now and let her get hurt more, not when she's already taken so many bullets, not when it must have hurt so goddamn much--
For once, there's actual anguish visible in Shinpachi's eyes. And it's just this time, just as he's staring down at the girl he's so desperately clinging onto, like letting go of her might just kill her right now. He'll charge back into the battle in a few moments since he knows he can't abandon his men, but he can't just walk away from this and pretend nothing happened.
He can't. ]
Chizuru-chan.. [ His voice shakes a little, and then he grits his teeth. ] Dammit, don't you ever do that again..!
[ He sounds enraged, but it doesn't sound like it's aimed at her. Shinpachi throws temper tantrums way too often for anyone to not be able to tell when he's mad at them, and despite the anger, it's not him being mad at Chizuru.
He's mad at himself for letting this happen, he's mad at the Shinsengumi for even coming up with this idea, he's mad at the enemy soldiers for going after her rather than him. ]
[Her expression stays grim for that moment, and the only reason she's still standing is because of the adrenaline coursing through her veins as her body struggles to repair itself. Even a demon's body has limits - a single gunshot wound is simple enough to repair, like a deep cut on the arm... but there are some injuries that take more time, and the bullets that have pierced her add up to that. She can feel the strain it puts on her body as it fights desperately to heal, but she knows it won't heal instantly.
But she can still move -
This won't kill her, she's okay -
Then Shinpachi grabs her, holds her tight against his chest and she feels her face crumple. She doesn't want him to see that, though, because just him having to see the way she proves that she isn't human is hard enough, and she presses her face against his chest, paying no mind to the blood or the dirt there. God knows there's enough blood on her anyway, staining her clothing as the wounds begin to heal over. She winces, because this time it's not quite so thorough, this time some of the skin starts to scab over before the bullets are out and she knows, knows that is going to hurt.
She's dizzy, with relief and with pain. Her vision blurs with tears and she makes a soft noise as she tries to blink them away, but it doesn't quite work.]
I... [She sounds dazed.] I'm sorry...
[Because she can't give him the answer he wants to hear. Don't you ever do that again requires her to abandon her duty as his shield and as much as this hurts she knows it would be so much worse if she had let even a single one of the lead balls to find itself buried in Shinpachi's flesh.
This hurts so badly. Shinpachi still has things he needs to do, a battle he needs to win. His men are depending on him...
She gasps, her head snapping up to look at his face. His men... She wants to stay here like this but she knows that's not possible. Not with the battle still raging around them, not with the rank-and-file soldiers laying down their lives... they're trying their best, giving their all. She has to, too.]
The battle, [She whispers, even as one of her hands tightly grips his haori. She doesn't want him to let go of her, but she knows he has to. She shudders.] Nagakura-san, it's not over...
[And she would do the same thing all over again - even with her current wounds - if it meant keeping him safe. It's a very real possibility. She doesn't care; she'll survive. As long as he's okay, it's worth it no matter how dazed with pain she becomes.]
[ She's apologizing, apologizing of all things, and he can feel his own grip on her tightening a little bit when he hears those words, when he hears every single pained tiny noise she makes. It hurts so much that she's crying - all for him. That kind of decidation, even if it's under orders, isn't something anything could feel flattered by. It only makes him sick, knowing she'd push himself so far and that he's to blame for every single bit of pain she goes through.
Of course he hasn't forgotten the battle - it's impossible here in the thick of the smoke and the gunshots ringing out in the distance constantly - but he's trying to think of a quick way to deal with this in his mind. How does he fight this battle and keep Chizuru safe if she's exactly the one who isn't intending to stay safe while he's trying to fight his way through? It's already seemingly impossible enough without further distractions.
His head leans down, whispering in a low tone, something only meant for her ears as she's right there with his arm wrapped around her. ]
If a bullet threatens my life, then I know I can't stop you, but don't feel so obliged to take everything for me. I'm a tough kinda guy, I can take at least two of those. [ That's probably a bluff, and he knows it, but on the other hand, maybe if he has the time to dodge just enough to make them not land in an area that's too critical.. ] I won't tell Hijikata-san or anyone else. We can say it was an accident.
[ He lets out a tired breath. ]
So.. c'mon, don't do something like this to a guy like me.
[ Don't look so sad and so hurt, don't take the pain that's meant for him, he's a warrior, he's been willing to lay down his life if he'd have to since the very beginning. She didn't choose that kind of life, he did, so he can't bear to see her suffer in his place.
He's apparently not taking any verbal protests to that though, since the next moment he's letting go of her (still supporting her for a brief moment to make sure her wounds did heal enough for her to stand) and running off into battle once more. He knows she'll follow, that's not what he's worried about. If she didn't have that kind of stubborn dedication to a cause, they wouldn't have this problem to begin with. But he figures she can't step inbetween him and the enemy soldiers if he's quick enough, so he runs up to any he can find that aren't aiming straight at him, cutting them down when he's able to. It's a lot harder to focus on battle when he has to remember at the same time to make sure Chizuru stays back, to protect her from herself, but--
Once he's gotten past the first few lines of enemies, he just gapes as the sight in front of them. There's so many bodies mowed down, and still a few more trying to storm the proper enemy lines up ahead. But every single one is being shot down before they can even get close - their guns are even better than the soldiers he encountered on the battle field so far with Chizuru, being able to shoot across a great distance.
(And he recognizes so many of the faces of the fallen, practically all of them, and the more he looks the more he realises just how much of the second division is left, who's still there, because it's almost like every single one of them is lying there lifelessly.
There's nothing worse than the feeling of realising something really is well and truly lost - mostly because Shinpachi hasn't had that feeling much in his life, he's always tried to find some way around it, but even he knows that charging to the enemy lines there won't mean anything but him joining those bodies - but he sure is feeling it as he's staring at the field ahead now.
He's so lost in the shock for a moment that he forgets all about Chizuru being there with him, instead just staring as he tries to think of what to do.
(Pulling back is the only sensible option, retreating and telling Hijikata this can't be saved, but when has he ever done that?) ]
[She wants to say that isn't good enough - that Hijikata certainly won't accept It was an accident as a reason for any injury to Shinpachi, not after charging her with his safety (though of course maybe he will, he hadn't seemed to be ordering it to be cruel but rather because he had no other choice). But her protest dies on her lips when he speaks those words -
"Don't do something like this to a guy like me."
She is no warrior, that much is for sure. So maybe she'll never fully understand how terrible it feels to watch a civilian running headlong into danger the way Shinpachi has had to watch her. But she does know the guilt of letting a dear friend take a blow for her, and just remembering it makes her stomach churn.
...if it's anything like that, then...
There is guilt ingrained deeply into her expression. She knows how awful it feels to watch someone get hurt trying to protect her; it must be a blow to Shinpachi's honor, she knows that, and yet... maybe it's selfish of her, but she doesn't want to lose him. She doesn't want to hurt him either, though, and she's stuck between two irreconcilable goals: save his honor and save his life.
Is the fact that she's so willing to choose his life over his honor just proof of how incredibly different they are? Man, woman, warrior, civilian, human, demon... They just keep piling up. She wants to stay by his side, but she wonders if that, too, would cause him pain.
But there is no time for wondering, because he's on the move again and it's all she can do to keep him in her sights. She has to stay close by so she can protect him - but he's trying to protect her - and her heart nearly stops as she sees him strike down soldier after soldier. He is quick and sharp and strong, and of course he comes out of it alive, but if even one man with a gun had enough time to take aim before they tasted his blade...
If he got hurt because she wasn't able to keep up...
Why, why can't she be strong enough to protect him without that protection hurting him?
She nearly lets out a sigh of relief when Shinpachi finally comes to a stop, because if he's not moving that means she can make it to his side. She crosses the distance as quickly as her wounds allow and is utterly unprepared for the sight that had stopped him in his tracks.
No...
She looks on in horror at the sea of corpses and injured men and flinches as a round of cannonfire and gunfire cuts into a group of men and sends them falling to the ground. It's too much. There's - there's no way they can win this. Maybe Shinpachi can think of a way, but Chizuru is no battlefield tactician and seeing these men falling one after another sends her into a blind panic, and she reaches for his arm to hold onto it tightly because if he runs out in there ahead of her like he did minutes before he could be next and she can't allow that to happen.
It must be so much worse for him, she thinks. He recognizes the fallen. They're his men.
...and it's for that very reason she can't voice the obvious We need to go. She would never allow someone to drag her away from the scene, if it was her comrades (when did she start thinking of them this way? They can't think the same about her...) out there - if she was watching Heisuke and Harada charge the line, and then watching them fall; if she was seeing Saitou be cut down with a burst of cannonfire, no honorable battle at all; if she was there to witness Okita crumple to the ground, never to get up again... And Hijikata, and Kondou, and Sannan and all the others...
She wouldn't leave them. She can't ask Shinpachi to leave his men, either. She isn't a warrior but she recognizes that much - and yet, she can't risk him joining them, which is why her hold on his arm never loosens, not even for a second.]
Can... [She swallows thickly, looking up at him uncertainly.] Is there... anything we can...?
[He is the warrior; he knows battlefields. If he says they still have a chance of winning, that means they have a chance, and she'll do whatever she can to help him win. But if even he acknowledges this is a lost cause... then she can't just let him waste his life, but she can't do this to him, can't force him to abandon his men although so many of them have already perished -
...he has to live, somehow. She has to make him live. If he continues to fight, she'll be there at his side. She'll never let him die before she does.]
[ The only thing that pulls him back to reality, moreso than the loud sounds of battle all around them, rumbling in the distance, is her sudden grip on his arm. It reminds him that he's not alone here, that she's here too and he has to make sure she gets out of here safely as well. It probably plays a part in his decision. Maybe in any other case he might still have tried to get through to the enemies there somehow even if it seems impossible and like a suicidal thing to do, but he can't do that when she's there. Either he'd show her the sight of him being killed as well and abandoning her in enemy territory, or she'd throw herself in the way and maybe get killed instead. He doesn't want to do either of those things to her.
And.. well, if he's entirely truthful with himself, this just is an impossible situation. There just is nothing to be done about it. The sight of bodies dressed in blue hues everywhere is proof enough of that. If none of them could lay even a single hand on the enemy, then even Shinpachi won't be able to do the same before the many bullets nearly rip his body apart.
He glances sideways at the girl clinging to his arm, his expression a little hard to read compared to usually. Usually his emotions show so easily and naturally without even having to think about it, but this sight makes so many emotions rise up in him that he just looks like he's trying to hold most of them back from bursting out on the spot when, even if his men are gone, she at least still needs his guidance.
He swallows thickly. ]
.. No. [ It's the worst thing to admit. There's nothing he can do. Even though he's been training all his life to become as strong as he has, even though the Shinsengumi are known for fighting even in the most desperate situations, there's nothing he can do. Probably not even if he used her as his shield, but even now he's purposefully not even entertaining the thought of that. ] We should retreat and report this to Hijikata-san and the others. [ And figure the hell out what they're even going to do from here.
He glances into the distance again - the enemies with their guns far away from them, the many bodies on the floor, the blood all over them just like it's all over him as well.
(But he's alive and they're dead, and they're the men he's been training with, patrolling with, laughing with, drinking with, and he'd trust every single last one of them with his life if he'd have to, otherwise they wouldn't have been worthy of being called men of his division. And turning his back on something that means so much to him is one of the most painful decisions he's ever had to make.
But they're dead and he can't do a thing for them anymore, while Chizuru is very much alive and needs him to get out of here, especially with how many bullets she's had to endure already.
So his decision is made.) ]
They haven't spotted us yet, so let's go. [ His voice is soft and not just to make sure they don't get spotted after all, but also since he just can't find the power to raise his voice right now, not while he's still trying to process the loss.
Shinpachi turns, making her do the same with how she's clinging to his arm, and the moment she lets go - he would love to give her a reassuring smile right now, to tell her everything is going to be okay like usually but it's so not okay that he just can't - he starts running back in the direction of the headquarters, making sure she's keeping up and not leaving his side. He can't afford to lose anything more now. ]
[The way he says "No" is one of the most heartbreaking things Chizuru has ever witnessed. There's no way it can be easy to admit that - not with his men scattered out before them, knowing he's going to have to relive this as he makes the report to Hijikata. He is a man who prides himself on his strength, so retreating... retreating is difficult, and admitting it needs to be done, even more so.
She wishes there was something she could do. Perhaps she's clung to humanity too tightly - if she were fully trained in the use of her demonic speed and strength, if here healing capabilities were just a little better... could she have helped change the outcome of this? Maybe she would have been acknowledged as a warrior; maybe then it wouldn't hurt him to have her help. Maybe she could have wiped out all those men who had struck down the Second Division before they did so much as load their firearms.
But that's wishful thinking, and it isn't going to help anyone. It doesn't change the fact that while her bloodline is impressive, her mastery of the skills it provides her with is nonexistent.
She doesn't see how this is going to be alright, and while she would dearly love to believe that it will - she just can't. When she loosens her hold on his arm so that he can go, it strikes her that she's glad Shinpachi isn't offering her any empty words about everything being alright; it would feel like a lie, and this is awful enough already, she doesn't want to feel like he's lying to her on top of it all...
She takes off after him, feet pounding on the ground and her breathing somewhat labored - her stamina has gotten better since she became more active in the Shinsengumi's affairs but she's still hurt, and the wounds are still fresh and raw, even though they've started to heal; too much jostling could reopen them. But she can't lag behind. They have to make it back to headquarters, and it almost looks as though they will, but about halfway there a sharp pain shoots through her side and she doubles over in pain.]
Nagakura-san, I'm sorry, I need to--
[She looks up, expecting to see him, and she does. But there's something else between them - the silver of a sharp blade, and she blinks at it before following the blade to the hilt, the hilt to the hand holding it, and then all the way up to the wielder's face...
Her blood runs cold. Kazama.
She didn't even see or hear him coming, but he's appeared as if from nowhere and has his blade between her and Shinpachi as if to keep them separated. He sneers as he looks in the direction they've come from, then to Shinpachi, then the direction they're going to.]
So you turned tail and ran... [Chizuru starts to protest, but he dismisses it before she even has the chance to get the words out with a scoff.] Tch... I was right nothing from you. [One hand grabs her upper arm roughly - she lets out a gasp of pain because that was the location of one of the bullet wounds, and Kazama removes his hand only long enough to examine the blood on it that had soaked through her top.] Pathetic. Hurry back to your master, dog. I'll be taking her off your hands. [He grabs her again, this time by the lower arm so as to not aggravate her wound further, but Chizuru flinches at his touch and tries to tug her arm free. Predictably, it's no good.]
[ It all happens in a moment. He can feel her footsteps stopping and immediately - practically instinctively - turns to look at her, to make sure she's alright and that some enemy soldier didn't get her..
.. and that's when he spots the blade. And since he's so alert thanks to the whole battle going on, it hardly takes him more than a second to realise just who's holding it, but just that second is enough for the demon to already move and grab Chizuru. He hardly hear the words that rub in the fact that he's running (although he hardly needs Kazama of all people to tell him that it's stupid and cowardly since he's been perfectly good at beating that in his head with every single step he's taken away from the pile of bodies) because he's too busy staring at the way he holds Chizuru just in a place that hurts, the way the girl winches, and he's pretty sure that for a moment he can feel his heart sink all the way to his feet.
Just what he needed today of all days. Fighting a losing battle, having to run, losing practically all his men, and now he has to face Kazama since like hell he's going to let the other run off with Chizuru. There's no way he can abandon her to that kind of fate. Because of who she is - smiling, brave Chizuru - but also since she took so many bullets for him today. There's not even a choice in his mind, The only choice is to face Kazama and beat his ass down for even daring to touch her like that when she doesn't want him to. For a moment he imagines arriving back at the headquarters and having to tell everyone that not only did he get his entire division killed, he also let Kazama escape with Chizuru, and he immediately decides it's unacceptable even just to himself.
Despite the way his body already aches from the earlier fights, Shinpachi swings his sword in less than a moment after Chizuru pipes up again into Kazama's direction, hoping it might at least force him to let go of Chizuru. Maybe he can tell her to run while he distracts Kazama or-- well, do whatever as long as it'll get her out of this creep's hands.
Of course it's not that easy though since Kazama's swordsmanship - if it can even be called that, considering there's no actual technique behind it unlike Shinpachi's own kind polished from years of training - is based on using only one hand, so he's already blocking the strike as he still holds onto Chizuru with the other hand. ]
Tough luck, you caught me in a bad mood! [ To put it lightly. Today isn't quite his day. It probably explains that despite his words having the usual bravado, there's nothing about in his expression - no glint, no smile, just frowned concentration. ] Although I wouldn't let you get your hands all over her anyway!
[ Even as he pushes against Kazama's sword, the other hardly seems to break a sweat. ]
Are the men of the Shinsengumi truly that eager to die? I hope you realise you aren't going to do anything but waste my time, human.
[ Shinpachi just grunts in response, pulling his sword back only to clash it against Kazama's once more. ]
[Kazama smirks as the Shinsengumi captain pulls his sword back and then brings it down; he blocks it again with an almost lazy flick of the wrist. He does have to admit (privately, and of course begrudgingly) that Shinpachi isn't unskilled. Most of the cretin he faced in battle would have had their katana sent flying at the first block and wouldn't have even had a chance to try a second strike.
But Shinpachi, unlike Kazama, is upset, and Kazama, unlike Shinpachi, is a demon. He has no anger or despair clouding up his sword, he just has strength and speed that far outstrip even the rasetsu.
But he is less free to dispatch him with one hand occupied keeping Chizuru (who has been struggling to try and trip him up since Shinpachi first rushed him, because she knows he is stronger than almost anyone and if he can just get an opening to land a low, she knows everything will be okay) still, and he shoves her back - sending her off-balance so that she stumbles and lands badly on the ground.]
Run if you like, [He says to her, almost like she's an afterthought.] But the other men here don't have any reason to desire you alive. [He does, however twisted his reasons for wanting her alive are. Hopefully she isn't so slow-witted that she doesn't understand his meaning.
But Chizuru wouldn't have run, anyway, because now that Kazama has more freedom of movement he is bringing down his sword on Shinpachi too quickly for her eye to follow. She hopes desperately it's because she isn't accustomed to battle and that Shinpachi, a true warrior, will be able to see and dodge or block. She looks on anxiously, wanting so badly to throw herself in there to stop Kazama from ladning any blows, but hitting the ground so hard has reopened another wound that had been in the process of healing and even just leaning forward to try to get up is beyond excruciating.]
Nagakura-san--
[Her shrill voice goes ignored by Kazama, who lunges for him.]
[ Shit. Shit, shit, shit, shit, this situation is just the worst possible one in every sense of the word. Not that Shinpachi doesn't trust his own skills, he knows he's strong, but Kazama has strength far beyond a normal human's and then there's the fact that the loss of his division and the battle and the fact that the way he can hear Chizuru crumble onto the floor without even having to look all weigh him down. She's calling out his name, she's relying on him, so there's no way in hell he can let her down here. He can't let her be taken away, not now.
So all he can do is his best, even though this is his second seemingly impossible battle today. He can see Kazama swing his sword, but the second half of it is way too fast, he almost misses it completely because it just goes by too quickly. The most Shinpachi can do is try to dodge it since it's already too late to try and block the strike, and even when he dodges all he's able to do is move the strike to a less unfortunate place so he doesn't at least get his head sliced off in one move.
Instead the sword buries itself (not too deeply, but god, it still hurts) into his shoulder. Shinpachi's already glad enough he managed to let it be the shoulder less important for swinging his own sword, but he knows it's just going to slow him down more.
He wouldn't give anyone the satisfaction of actually hearing him yell in pain, but there's definitely an incredibly pained grunt at least with the way he can feel his own blood starting to stain his haori as well. The moment the other's katana leaves his flesh, Shinpachi quickly presses a hand against it, trying to stop the wound from bleeding too much and just making him pass right out on the ground. It'd be a pathetic loss. ]
Don't worry about me.
[ Said to Chizuru, of course, even though he's not directly looking at her. He'll live. He'll find some way to defeat Kazama right here and not or so god help him, since he can't accept any other outcome of this battle despite the odds being incredibly slim. ]
Naturally. My bride's worries would be wasted on your kind. [ Kazama scoffs, something slightly more annoyed in his usual lazy smirk as he speaks up. ] I have seen what you use her for.
[ And without Kazama having to mention just what he's aiming at, Shinpachi already knows. Chizuru being his shield. Sure, it might not have been his decision, but his stomach still turns at the mention of it. His hand leaves the wound on his shoulder, instead gripping the hilt of his sword so tightly that his knuckles turn white, and he angrily swings his sword at the demon - even with his form definitely lacking because he's already wounded. But he doesn't want Kazama to talk about that of all things, so he doesn't even think before trying to strike. ]
[His form may be a little off because of his wound and his anger, but at his core Shinpachi is a warrior, one of the Shinsengumi's best and brightest, and it's just in him to know how to strike and where to strike and even though Kazama is a demon, perhaps it's Shinpachi's anger that speeds his blade because there's a schlick even as Kazama shifts to dodge, and then a faint trickling of blood on Shinpachi's blade.
Kazama looks down, surprised. The front of his kimono top is ripped; furthermore, there is a light wound across his chest. That surprise gives way to rage - his face contorts and he gives off a menacing aura as he steps forward, his hair lightening to white, his eyes shining gold, and horns sprouting from his head. While it would have been possible for him to be mistaken as a human in his usual form - there is no denying that he is decidedly not human.]
How dare you...!
[Even the words he bites out are more of a guttural snarl than anything else. This lowly human dares to lay a hand on him? He'll make him pay. He'll see him broken and dead, and there is an inhuman strength to each and every one of his strikes, an unnatural speed as he lunges and parries and makes every effort to make Shinpachi suffer for what he's done.
This isn't the rasetsu bloodlust; it's madness of another kind.
Chizuru forces herself to her feet in spite of the dizziness and the pain of her wounds and the way her energy is being sapped by her body's attempts at healing itself, draws her sword, and darts forward, intent on - helping somehow, on making Kazama stop, on getting Shinpachi out of there. Kazama's only acknowledgement of her attempts is to bat her away when she gets close, with enough strength that it sends her sword flying to the side and sends her flying back to slam into a tree and crumple to the ground.]
No...
[Finally, Kazama stops, and he kneels down to grip Shinpachi roughly by the hair and force his head up to check that he's alive. He would love dearly to slay him right here for his insolence, but he's seen the Shinsengumi and he knows there is a better way to break him. He adjusts his head to that Shinpachi's gaze falls on Chizuru, lying still on the ground at the base of the tree.]
You failed.
[And with that, he turns on his heel and goes, striding over to heft Chizuru up over her shoulder despite her weak protests - she isn't able to fight him off, she doesn't have the strength - and he takes care to stay within Shinpachi's sights as he walks away, his last bit of cruelty to be forcing the last thing the man sees to be Chizuru being taken away with him unable to do a single thing about it.
No one will come for him, Kazama thinks; this is the end. But Chizuru isn't willing to accept that, and she calls out for him -]
Nagakura-san! Nagakura-san!
[It's less a cry for help and more a desperate plea for him to live. She can bear it, whatever Kazama's plans are for her, as long as she knows that being taken away stopped Kazama from outright finishing him. He has to live.]
[ The euphoria that he actually managed to get a hit in on the demon despite the current state of his shoulder doesn't last long. He doesn't get scared or anything when Kazama shows his true form (because this is Shinpachi, he just doesn't get scared ever) but there's still the fact there's little he can do in return once the demon starts attacking with more and more fury behind each slash. He tries to block the strikes, but they just come so quickly and with such strength that it's a half-done effort. And Shinpachi only gets slower and slower the more he gets hit - blood wells up from cuts on every part of his body, his haori completely soaked with blood and little more than shreds that are barely still hanging together at this point. He wants to tell Chizuru to stop when she runs in as well, but at that point he's already practically lost the strength to, having been forced to his knees and then finally to the ground. Every part of his body hurts (as evidenced by the fact he can hardly move, although he's still trying to do so, since he has to get back at Kazama somehow, he can't let it end like this) and his breathing is incredibly uneven as he lies there, fighting to at least keep his eyesight, to make sure he doesn't pass out.
It's pretty pathetic that it's all he can do, but on the other hand, it's practically a small miracle that he's still alive after all those blows.
When he thinks the final strike is going to happen, it doesn't come. Instead he feels a force on his head, fingers digging into his hair, and his face is lifted from the floor only to meet Kazama's gaze. Shinpachi can't force his body to still do much of anything at this point (and it's so incredibly aggravating) but the least he can do is still glare at the demon even now, even in his current state. Resistance until the very end, even if it's in pathetically small ways.
But then he still isn't finished off. Instead the man slowly starts to understand what Kazama is doing when he walks off and towards Chizuru instead. He's intending to leave him like this (although that doesn't give him a too great chance of survival anyway with the rate he's bleeding at unless someone happens to stumble upon him, but he's not even thinking of his own state of being right now) and take Chizuru with him. No--
He tries to gather every single last shred of strength left in his body, tells his body to move, to get up, to save her already. But it's impossible, his body is completely at its limit. Even now she's calling out for him (even now she's thinking about him rather than about herself) and he feels so incredibly pathetic and weak for not even being able to save her, the most brave and selfless girl he's ever known.
Shinpachi has to save her, he knows it, he can't just let her be taken away since they made a promise, dammit, but there's nothing he can do, he'd already be lucky enough to just walk out of this with his life but as he is right now he can't even reach for his sword--
In a desperate attempt to get up that of course fails and makes him fall back onto the earth again, he hears a very dull clunk against the ground. It takes him a moment to realise what it is, but then he realises it. Right before he left he had an argument about the ochimizu as well, and even though he insisted on not taking it with him he did have the bottle in his hands when he had to quickly head out, he must have slipped it into his clothes so he could put it back later (or smash it on the floor when no one would be looking).
...
That means there is a chance.
An extremely cruel chance. He doesn't want to take it, even now. He never wanted to take it before. He hates the ochimizu and all it stands for, he hates the idea that people are being turned into rasetsu, he would be fine with dying, that's what a warrior is supposed to do, but he always said he'd never become one of those under any circumstances.
If this situation was any different, if it was just about him, he would have let himself bleed out right here. But this isn't just about him, it's also about Chizuru and the fate she's got ahead of her, being handled as nothing more than something to produce babies by that demon against her will--
He made a promise.
He made a promise.
He made a promise.
The more he repeats it in his head, the more the possibility is starting to seem real. (And the more he starts to hate himself, little by little.)
Knowing he has no choice, he weakly tries to get the bottle out of the folds of his clothing and closer to his face, fumbling to even get it open. He stares at the liquid and his stomach turns, but he knows there's no other choice. He'll die anyway. And Chizuru has been so selfless, throwing herself into harm's way for him, getting herself hurt so much that she almost cried. He's be a pathetic guy to not take it - although he still knows it's no excuse, not to him.
Shutting down all of his thoughts, Shinpachi brings the bottle to his lips and pours the contents straight into his mouth, swallowing thickly.
A surge runs through him and it's one of the most aggravating things he's ever felt, like his body is changing, like the blood in his body is boiling and then suddenly goes ice cold, and pieces of flesh and cuts start to mend until Kazama's beating is hardly visible if it wouldn't be for Shinpachi's clothing giving it away. His eyes go from blue to red, his hair turning white as snow.
And as he transforms into something different, Shinpachi grabs his sword and rises to his feet again.
(Don't think about the way it feels so awful, don't think about how much you hate yourself for doing this, don't think of anything but what you're doing this for, her and the promise you made, he tells himself, and he grits his teeth.
Time to be the biggest pretender.) ]
Turn around and put her down. [ At first his voice is at a normal volume, but then as he speaks up again, it rises, almost like a growl. ] This isn't over yet..!
[Chizuru sees Shinpachi move and, in spite of the way Kazama is steadily carrying her off, starts to feel some relief; if he can move, that means he might survive. But then her face pales as she sees him bring something to her lips -
Sees a glint of light against glass -
He's already downed the ochimizu before she can scream for him not to. Not Shinpachi. Please god, not Shinpachi. She wants him to live - desperately wants him to live - but not like that, not when he's already made his thoughts on the matter of rasetsu quite clear, she doesn't want him to have to go through that for her sake. Someone might have been able to find him and treat him so he could go about his life as a human, but now...
...he's taken the ochimizu and the way he grabs his sword and addresses Kazama makes it seem like it's for her sake...
Her stomach churns with guilt and she can't do much more than stare at him, horrified, as Kazama lazily turns to look over his shoulder.]
Hn. [He almost sounds surprised, though the look on his face is one of disdain. He knows little of Shinpachi personally, but... he does so detest these fake, man-made creatures that are neither demon nor human.] You must be truly desperate...
[But he finds little admirable about the desperation. This battle is already lost. Shinpachi can demand that Kazama put his bride down all he wants, but drinking the ochimizu won't be enough to stop him from taking her. It was always little more than a matter of time. Even his transformation into a rasetsu bothers him very little - in spite of the fact that it really should. As a human, this man had wounded him. The rasetsu are false demons, but they are stronger than your average human...
But of course, demonic strength far outstrips anything that accursed concoction could muster up.
He does not set her down, but he does turn to face Shinpachi fully and draws his blade - but does not yet strike.]
Go on. I'll be glad to show you how futile this attempt of yours is.
[ Everything feels so different. The sun has for the most part already gone under after the long battle out there today, but he can still feel the last fading rays even if they're still hardly visible with a bare eye. Not to mention the blood on his haori is getting increasingly more distracting as well as the scent of it fills his nosetrills, standing out more than anything else right now. But he knows he can't focus on any of that, what he needs to focus on now is making Kazama let go of Chizuru with his newfound power or it'll all for nothing anyway. Sure, he might not have much of a chance against him as a human, but he did manage to cut him -- so maybe this time he has an actual chance.
Especially since he has something to fight for.
So without wasting another word, he's already charging at the demon, making sure that he's aiming for the side he isn't carrying Chizuru on since hurting the girl in the process of attacking Kazama is the last thing he'd want to do. But still, he's striking hard and fast, more so than he's ever done before. There's a new sort of strength running through his body and he's hitting harder, actually managing to drive Kazama back a step or two with a click of the demon's tongue. Not enough to have such a clear victory over the other the way the demon forced him onto the floor, but at least it's got to mean he's not helpless anymore, that he at least can do something.
He hates that it had to come to this, but he can't show weakness in front of Kazama, so instead he forces a grin. Maybe somehow bravado will be enough to get rid of the other, although he isn't hoping for much in this case. ]
I told you to put her down, didn't I?! The one who's gonna take care of her is me..!
[ He downed the ochimizu, so that might as well mean he's taken that responsibility upon him. He'll protect Chizuru from whatever there is - enemy troops, Kazama, even the rest of the Shinsengumi if they start wanting to use her more in this kind of way. To think all of that snowballed from one promise-- well, whatever, everyone always says he takes things way too far anyway. ]
[It's clear enough that Shinpachi doesn't want to hurt Chizuru. Kazama could use her as a shield - shift so that she's in the path of his blade so that his opponent will have to hesitate - but such a tactic is beneath him; even if this man is a rasetsu now, he is a demon. He needs no sneaky tricks to overcome him. His own strength is more than enough.
...and yet. Shinpachi's strikes drive him back - clearly he won't be able to do this one-handed any longer. He drops Chizuru unceremoniously and she slumps over on the ground, winded. As she looks up, Kazama starts swinging his sword to fight back against Shinpachi's strikes.
Her stomach nearly drops out as she watches them. Shinpachi, his hair white like snow and eyes red like blood, facing down Kazama, who had laid waist to him moments before and would do it again, if he could. She's terrified for his sake - not just because he might lose his life, but even if he lives... he's become one of the creatures he was so against creating. How can she ever make up for the fact that he had to go so far just to save her?
He's outright said it, "The one who's gonna take care of her is me," and that knowledge cuts like a knife.
She was supposed to protect him, but right now he and Kazama are locked in a battle of whirling blades and she can barely muster up the strength to sit up.
There is the clash of metal on metal and the horrifying sound of swords biting into flesh. Kazama grits his teeth, but doesn't falter in his return strikes, the cut skin already beginning to knit itself back together even as his own blood runs down his arm in rivulets. It's galling, for Shinpachi to have landed a blow not once but twice.]
You won't be taking care of anyone, [He snarls as he brings his arm back to prepare for another lunge.] Unless you're doing it from beyond the grave!
[ It's a relief, having Chizuru out of the way. Even if he trusts his aim enough, there's still the possibility Kazama might dodge in the wrong direction or do something really dirty and put her in the way by purpose, and at least those small chances are gone as well now she's on the floor, even though he's sure she must have been hurt again because of it. He'll look at her later and help her for sure, but he doesn't exactly have time for that now when parrying Kazama's strikes is taking absolutely all of his focus.
(If this was any other situation, one where he didn't have to turn into a rasetsu, then he might have actually enjoyed this battle, one where he's just fighting someone one on one and not being sure at all if he'll even win.)
The odds are still on Kazama's side since he does manage to strike Shinpachi more often than the man manages to strike Kazama - the difference between a demon and someone who's only halfway there - but it doesn't mean as much when every single time Kazama's sword digs into his flesh there's only that momentary pain he's used to anyway after so many battles before the wound closes itself like it never even existed. If there's anything annoying about it then it's the fact that the scent of blood is filling his mind, but he tries to shove it to the background and focus on fighting, winning - he's not so sure how he's going to win from Kazama's superior strength yet, but he'll find a way. He'll drive him off somehow and take Chizuru back safely, it's all he can think about.
Shinpachi only manages to block the demon's attack half, and the edge of the blade still cuts a fine line across his chest, the wound knitting itself together easily. ]
Like hell I went this far just to lose from you..! [ He pulls his katana back only to have it meet Kazama's when he swings it forwards again, the sound of steel on steel resounding between the trees. Shinpachi realises too that they might as well be here all day at this rate, or until Shinpachi's body gives up on healing, but it's not like he sees a clear opening or opportunity to end this quickly either. Chizuru must not be able to get up either with the way she's just there on the floor.. damn, even the hardest thing he's ever done wasn't the easy way out, huh? ]
[Kazama is in no rush to finish this quickly. On the contrary, he seems almost eager to draw this out, for Shinpachi to exhaust every single option, so that he'll realize that the strength of a false demon is nowhere near enough to overcome a true one. The longer this takes, the more he'll be able to hammer it home that Shinpachi can't win, and that - rather than merely killing him or leaving him to die, as he had attempted in his rage over being struck by a mere human - is something he doesn't mind spending his time on.
The humans fighting the battle proper can take care of their own affairs. This is a human war, not a demon war, and he considers his debt to the Satsuma long since repaid. His interest lies more in stamping out the rasetsu he so despises, crushing the hopes of the Shinsengumi he has become so interested in, and absconding with a female demon worthy to bear his children.
He draws his sword back once more and - ]
That's enough. [This time, neither his sword nor Shinpachi's connects with steel or draws blood. Amagiri is suddenly there between them in the blink of an eye, having caught each of their blades in a different hand. His expression is somewhat disapproving - both of the appearance of yet another rasetsu and of Kazama's dallying to toy with him.] It is time to go.
[Kazama sneers and his eyes narrow into slits.] Amagiri...
[Amagiri holds Kazama's gaze for a few long moments and something passes between them silently before Kazama finally relents and nods once, sharply. The red-haired demon releases his sword so that it can be sheathed but keeps a hold on Shinpachi's lest the newly-turned rasetsu decide to try and attack again. Kazama glances briefly at Chizuru.]
Do not think this is over. I will come for you, Chizuru Yukimura.
[She shudders, Kazama turns to go, seeming to vanish in the blink of an eye. Amagiri releases Shinpachi's sword, bows once to the both of them, and does the same.
It's so lucky that Chizuru can scarcely believe it. They've really just... left? After everything? It means they'll be able to make it back to headquarters, but... it also seems too good to be true. She stares at the spot where the demons were just moments before and manages to make it to her feet to cross over to Shinpachi.
She stumbles, on her way, but reaches out to grab his arm to keep from falling on her face. Why aren't her wounds healing quickly enough...? Perhaps it's because she's been injured too much in too short a time. Perhaps she just needs rest. And she'll be able to have that, when they make it back, she's sure of it. A more pressing concern is Shinpachi, whose wounds are healing but who has paid a terrible, terrible price.]
Nagakura-san... [Her voice breaks. He should never have gone this far to protect her, never... she's not worth it. She isn't worth the ochimizu.] Y-you... Are you...?
Shinpachi just stares at the appearance of the other demon inbetween the two of them, preparing himself for whatever odds he'll have to beat now.. but then Amagiri is telling Kazama to stop it and go, and when Kazama actually somehow wordlessly agrees Shinpachi honestly just feels surprised that it's over so easily.
(Not that he can call it easily, not like this, but-- at least it means he protected Chizuru from that sort of fate. He managed to protect at least one person today, unlike the way he couldn't save any of his men.)
He's very much just staring at the same spot as Chizuru is, like Kazama might return and say he's just kidding any moment now. But a few moments pass and they don't come back, and then Shinpachi suddenly feels something tugging at his arm, realising it's Chizuru who actually made her way over to him, and for a moment or two he doesn't exactly react. What is he supposed to say to that kind of question, after all, "are you.." -- alright? Because he's not, really, he's had to do the one thing he hated the most. He doesn't regret doing it since not having done it would mean Chizuru would be gone and he would be practically dead, but.. it's not like he's exactly happy about it either.
The man knows he's something he utterly detests now. But there's no choice but to live with it. The last remains of the second division, more dead than alive--
He finally turns his head to look down at her, his eyes still red like blood. ]
.. Yeah. I'm alright. [ He's not wounded, after all, so he can easily say that much. Shinpachi may feel like shit, but it's not like he's in any terrible physical condition, and he'll say anything just to not see her making that face. (The complete lack of the usual energy in his tone still gives him away completely though.)
He turns fully now, moving to support her so she won't fall down with his arms, as his hair slowly turns back to the usual brown from the roots to the tips. ]
[The lack of energy in his tone of voice makes her heart clench uncomfortably. That he can't even muster up his usual bravado... well, she can't blame him. In such a short amount of time, he's lost so much. His men... the pain of losing them must have been excruciating. And he'd been forced to take her along with him. He'd had to watch her take blows that were meant for him, and undoubtedly that stung at his pride as a warrior and a man. And now he'd had to make compromises, to drink something that he was so vehemently opposed to...
It isn't fair. It isn't fair. It's all so unfair that Chizuru wants to scream from the sheer frustration of it all, because Shinpachi deserves so much better than this. He worked so hard to keep his spirits up to boost everyone else's morale, and this is what he got for it.
And he's even taking the time to worry about her and ask her about her wounds, as if his own situation wasn't so much worse...! Even having been dealt such a horrible hand, Shinpachi is still Shinpachi.
It's not fair to him.]
...I'll recover.
[She is a demon. She's tried to keep the accelerated healing hidden, but it's something she's lived with her whole life, and she knows that the next morning or maybe the morning after that, depending on how much time she has to rest (if the wounds keep getting aggravated before they've had the chance to fully heal, this could go on for ages), it will be as if never happened.
For her body, at least. She'll never forget the sight of Shinpachi fumbling for the vial of ochimizu, never forget the sight of him standing before Kazama with snow-white hair and blood-red eyes. She'll never forget what he sacrificed to save her... and she can't see how she'll ever be able to repay him for it, either. That's something that will stay with her forever, even after these wounds heal and any bruises or scars fade away.]
But you... [Her voice trails off. Undoubtedly he knows - knows that when you become rasetsu, there's no going back, knows that while her wounds will heal he has been forever changed by all of this. It seems cruel to remind him of it. She looks down, her hold on his arms tightening a little.] ...what are we going to do now...?
[We, because there's no way she's leaving his side, not after what he's done for her. He only took the ochimizu because he had to do it for her sake. She can't - can't - abandon him now, not for anything.
(She never intended to in the first place, which is why she was so glad for that promise.)]
[ Somehow it just makes it all hurt more, seeing her looking at him like that, like she's seriously about to cry or something. He's never really minded the thought of what would ever happen to him - he minds the rasetsu thing so much because of his ideals and principles moreso than minding his own physical condition because of it - since he was prepared to get hurt or die from the very beginning as a warrior. But what he never calculated in there is what other people would feel at seeing him being hurt. If he got hurt or beaten in battle, then the same would probably happen to Heisuke and Sano and everyone else and as much as he hates the idea of them getting hurt or dying (hypocritically), that'd mean none of them would have to see it happen to him and live with that thought. He was always just going to be a warrior for himself, just him and his sword and his ideals, that's why he left his domain to begin with, but.. now there are people who care. Now Chizuru's right there, and his friends too, and.. that just makes it all a lot harder.
He pulls her just a little bit closer, like something might appear and take her away again all the same. ]
We'll go back to the headquarters now. You'll be safe there. [ He just has to do what he was planning on doing all along, just like he never drank the ochimizu. ]
.. Let's keep this a secret between the both of us though. Hijikata-san and the others don't have to know. [ Because that'd mean he would have to join the Corps, and that's the very last thing he'd want on top of all of this. Especially since it'd be so very convenient to shove him in there with all of his own men gone by now. But he doesn't want to be among other rasetsu, he doesn't want to think of himself that way-- he'd rather endure the discomfort of being up during the day. It'll make things harder, but he's sure he can hide it if he tries. In an ideal world Chizuru wouldn't have to know about it either, to save her the pain, but there's not much he can do about that now.
He stares at her for another two, three moments, taking in her expression, and then he decides it can't go on like this. If he doesn't do anything, she'll just stay sad, she might blame herself, so.. come on, Shinpachi, you've stood for worse challenges. Surely you can muster up a smile in front of someone who needs it, no matter how hard it feels right now.
He laughs, a grin breaking out on his face. At first it's a little shaky, but then it becomes less so. ]
Oi, oi, c'mon, Chizuru-chan! Don't make a face like you just had to attend a funeral! [ Even if that might as well be what all of that just now was, along with having to see his dead men.. ] That bastard's gone, so it's all gonna be alright now, see? And after acting all tough 'bout it in front of that demon, I guess I can't take back those words about taking care of you.
So.. don't worry! I'm gonna make it all okay!
[ For her, anyway.
It's already too late for him now and he knows it. ]
[Is such a thing possible? Shinpachi's duties bring him in close proximity to blood very often. True, Sannan and Heisuke have retained their sanity - well, mostly... the jury's still out on Sannan... - but even they must struggle with it, and they aren't made use of in conflicts that might turn bloody as Shinpachi will be working as a normal captain.
Not to mention, the pain and the exhaustion...
She feels like she has a choice here. Insist on letting the others know, so they can help him, or... trust him. When it comes down to it, it really isn't a decision at all. There is only one course of action she can take.]
...right. A secret, just between you and me.
[She actually manages a smile, though it's slightly saddened. She does trust him. If he thinks it's possible to keep it a secret, that means it most likely is - Shinpachi has faced down incredibly odds and come out on top so many times. And, who knew...? Sannan and Heisuke were kept inside during the day; they rested... but sometimes, Chizuru has found that working through illness and not languishing helps speed a recovery.
If Shinpachi keeps pressing on during the daytime... is it possible that the pain might be lessened...? That he might be able to control it better, if he masters it instead of letting it master him?
...if anyone can do such a thing... it's him. She is a little uneasy about what the future might hold, so her smile is uncertain and she still looks like she might cry - until he laughs, and she looks up at his face in shock.
He's smiling...
The fact that he's trying so hard to cheer her up when this is all so much worse for him is so much like him. It would be a lie to say she doesn't feel guilty at all over the way things have turned out, but his smile warms her heart in ways that she can't even begin to explain, and in spite of everything the knot of tension in her gut starts to ease by just a little bit.
I'm gonna make it all okay!
At those words, her smile becomes more genuine. When he says it like that... she can really, truly think that it might, somehow, all work out for the best.]
Nagakura-san... I believe in you. When I'm at your side, I can really believe this will be alright. [She smiles a little more brightly.] ...we'll figure this out together.
[For now, though... they have to make it back to the headquarters. Chizuru will do her best to keep up, even with her wounds, but she doesn't doubt for a moment that they'll make it there just fine.]
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CHAPTER 4
The Shinsengumi takes part in the battle of Toba-Fushimi. Tempers run high after Kondou is shot. Shinpachi is sent out to the frontlines of the desperate battle with Chizuru being ordered to be his shield from all the cannons and the guns. Shinpachi doesn't like the idea of it even one bit, but there's no time to try and convince her or any of the others to make her stay at the magistrate's office. After a desperate battle the only survivor of the second division is Shinpachi - thanks to Chizuru. They make a hasty retreat from the impossible battle, but on the way back to the others they run into Kazama instead. In order to protect the girl he made a promise with, Shinpachi is forced to drink the ochimizu and betray his own ideals.
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He was going to go out and to the frontlines despite everyone already knowing in advance this battle was going to be very dangerous with a cannon around, despite knowing that there's a high chance he'll die - but Shinpachi doesn't just believe in that. If there's a high chance, then he'll just have to beat the odds somehow, it's really that simple. But even though he has full confidence in his own skills and his men's, apparently some other members of the Shinsengumi hadn't trusted it as much. Reluctant to lose a captain (especially with Shinpachi's complete refusal towards the ochimizu, unlike Sannan or Heisuke) Hijikata had ordered Chizuru to go with him just in case a bullet would catch him off guard. After all, with her demon blood those would hardly do anything to her. And Shinpachi did spend a few good minutes protesting the decision, shouting at Hijikata and whoever else he could find, even trying to tell Chizuru herself to stay back, but.. no one would listen. And he really didn't have any more time to try and argue it when the cannon just kept going in the distance, so in the end - as much as he hated it - there was no other choice than to suck it up.
Maybe the fact that their promise was still fresh on her mind (because it was still on his as well) was what caused that Chizuru herself wouldn't change her mind either, but Shinpachi isn't just going to take the fact she's supposed to get hurt for his sake. Even though the soldiers with the guns are coming closer and closer and the air is starting to get heavy with traces of gunpowder and the sound of the cannon and the guns rings loudly in his ears, he's still standing there fighting and trying to push Chizuru behind him rather than letting her get in front of him with every chance he has.
But the chances are appearing fewer and fewer the more he has to focus on battle in order to not get killed. Some of the bullets already grazed him, but he knows he can't afford much more than that or he'll end up like Kondou. Except in enemy territory, so even worse.
It doesn't help that it's so impossible to get closer to most of the soldiers with guns..
Shinpachi grits his teeth. ] Chizuru-chan, you 'kay? [ He doesn't turn to look at her, he doesn't have the opening for it, but he needs to make sure she's still there, that she's still okay. He can't just let her get hurt here, no matter her supposed duty. ]
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But more terrifying than the thought of a gunshot wound is the thought of watching Shinpachi's back as he marches off to do his duty and then watching solemnly as men bear him back, cold and lifeless instead of warm and bright because some bullet or sword found its way to his gut. She would face a million battles if it meant never having to entertain the thought that someday the spark of life in him would be snuffed out.
In theory she had a choice. She could have refused (because she's not really a part of the Shinsengumi). In practice there was no choice at all - she could never refuse (because she wants, so badly, to be a support to these men). And how could she say no? When her help could mean safety for Shinpachi, who had selflessly sworn to protect her?
She knows, deep in her bones, that he would protect her from anything. He meant his promise; they hadn't just been empty words to make her feel better. She can't repay that kindness with selfishness.
And it's true, she makes an ideal shield. The ability to recover from grievous wounds is in her, in her blood and her bones, all of the healing benefits of the rasetsu without the bloodlust-fueled madness. And, ultimately, she is expendable. Heisuke can't be Shinpachi's cover; they need him. They don't need her, and while it's ideal if she lives to go on to be of use to them another day, if she doesn't it's not a loss to them the same way it would be if they lost any of their captains.
But she doesn't go into this thinking, I'll die for him, because that would make him a liar. He promised he would keep her safe. But to do that he has to live, too, he has to live past this terrible battle because he can't protect her if he's dead. He dies, and his promise is broken. She dies, and his promise is broken. The only way to keep him from being a liar is for them both to make it out alive and she knows, deep down, that if she's careful she'll survive this even if the pain of any wounds she suffers is unbearable. As long as they neither pierce her heart nor sever her head...
Even Shinpachi's protests hadn't been enough to sway her from this course, because he might be worried but she's already decided that no matter what, regardless of what she has to do to make it that way, they're both going to live.
The air is heavy with smoke and the mixed scent of gunpowder and blood - not a pleasant combination in the slightest. Around them, the sound of a pitched battle swells with screams and bursts of cannonfire and she wishes she could block it all out, but she can't. The only thing that cuts through the terror is the knowledge that she needs to be alert to protect him, and so she keeps her eyes open for any incoming soldiers or bullets - ]
I'm here, Nagakura-san. I won't leave your side.
[ - and the sound of his voice. That cuts through the terror, too; it doesn't matter how loud the horror around them is because when he addresses her, she'll respond. That's just a fact.
Also a fact: She refuses to let anything stop her from protecting him, even him. When he tries to shield her, she yields for a moment, but only so that he'll relax long enough for her to get back into place. And when the crack of a bullet cuts through the air, she moves instantly, faster than she even knew she could move with her back to the direction of the sound and her arms thrust out to keep him from moving between her and the noise.
...but, ultimately, her quick action isn't necessary; the soldier's aim is off by a large margin and the bullet finds its purchase in the trunk of a tree, not in either of their flesh. But she doesn't relax and should he look down at her, her expression will be on-edge and alert as she listens and watches for any sound or sight that might indicate another attempt on his life.]
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And he glances at her and he can see just how alert she is, how aware of everything around her and on one hand he's glad to see it since it means she's less likely to be caught in the middle of an attack by surprise, but he also loathes the idea that she's doing this for him, so she can make sure that if someone gets hurt, it's her and not him.
His stomach turns. It's just not right, the way she almost took that bullet. He remembers Sano protesting too before Shinpachi and his division marched out, saying that Chizuru is a woman and that she shouldn't have to be on the battlefield because of that--
Even though it's a good protest, it's nowhere near the whole of the story as far as Shinpachi is concerned. Sure, Chizuru is a woman, but that's not the foremost reason she shouldn't be here. It's exactly because she's Chizuru. Cute Chizuru who always smiles, who's there whenever you had a bad day patrolling to get your spirits right back up with good food, who worried so much about every single one of them (and him, he knows from their conversation) even though they threatened to kill her when she first stumbled upon one of their secrets.
Someone like that shouldn't have to do this. Someone like that shouldn't have to be here, for his sake, to save his life.
Call it selfish (although Shinpachi has usually never had any trouble with making selfish decisions since he just does what he believes in and not what anyone else tells him to) but it's also just that he personally doesn't want to see the girl he made a promise with hurt.
But right now, there's a battle to focus on. A division that needs its leader, and he stares ahead into the trees and smoke before gently touching her wrist, as if he's wordlessly telling her to follow him, before letting go so he can properly hold onto his sword again. He'd prefer to drag her along and make sure she's actually following, but he can't afford that luxury now.
He makes his way through the trees, trying to seek cover with them, and actually does manage to find a few gunmen who have tried to hide themselves among them. Shinpachi hates dirty tactics, but knowing there's no way he can face a gun head on, he just puts his sword straight through the first one they come across from the back. The enemy soldier crumbles to the ground before he even knows what hit him.
It's only small victories like that in the middle of all this though. The gunshots keep ringing out (do they never run out of bullets?) and there's way too many men in blue haori lying all across the floor and too few enemy soldiers. Some of them recognizable too, men he's fought next to for years and years.
It's just when Shinpachi is glancing down at one as they pass it that a gunshot rings out. From close by.
Shit-- ]
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The bullet bites into her skin - burying itself about midway down her back and she doesn't even care that it's an injury from behind, that it might look like she was fleeing, if the wound is examined later. As long as Shinpachi lives it will be clear enough that she did her duty and stayed where she was supposed to. She can do this, she's going to do this, she can take it -
But even though her body can mend itself, she doesn't have a high tolerance for pain. She lets out a sharp cry as the bullet rips itself into her and reaches, also instinctively, for Shinpachi's arm, her body slumping against his and her knees trembling with the effort of not succumbing to the pain and giving out. Somewhere in the distance - or is it nearby? The battle is so loud, she can't tell - there's a sound that is suspiciously similar to an exchange of words -
"Got one!"
"Good, now get the other."
The other... that means Shinpachi. She can't allow that to happen. She forces herself to loosen the stranglehold she has on his arm and straightens up, the sharp tang of her own blood filling her nostrils as she feels her body reject the bullet - somehow, it lands lightly on the ground and her feet, soaked in blood, and she's grateful because she doesn't want the wound to heal over with the bullet still inside her - and feels the telltale tingling of her skin starting to knit itself back together. It hurts, it hurts so much, but though her mind is still reeling from the pain her body isn't at the limit of what it can take.]
Nagakura-san. [Her voice sounds strained and a little weak, too quiet for anyone but him to hear, but there's a stubborn note in it that indicates she won't back down on this.] I'm going to draw their fire. [She knows, now, that he is so much more intelligent than he lets on. She knows that he'll know what to do with an enemy that is focusing their attention on a single target - knows that he'll recognize them for the sitting ducks they're about to be.
And she trusts him to cut them down quickly.
She lingers close to him for just one moment, because she feels safe at his side even when she's just been shot, but then she hears the sound of someone reloading their gun - how can she hear that, she wonders? - and she turns her head to glare at them sharply. She hears their intake of breath even from all the way over here.
Unbeknownst to her, her hair is starting to lighten - not unlike the rasetsu Shinpachi is familiar with. She hears a few scattered curses and then someone on their end barks out an order -
"Kill it!" It. They've already concluded she isn't human? She takes one step toward them and if this weren't such a dire situation she might find some amusement in the way they panic, because her hand resting on the hilt of her sword like she's going to personally slaughter them is mostly a bluff. But it works, because she can take a few more steps toward before they stop hesitating and open fire. "Kill it right now!"
Bullet after bullet rips into her and it's like slow motion - she can see them coming. Somehow, she knows which ones are safe to dodge (they won't hit Shinpachi if they don't hit her) and which ones she has to take (because she'd be an awful shield if she avoided injury herself and got him shot because of it).
She steps closer and closer to them as they continue to fire - maybe they'll just run out of bullets - and keeps her expression serious, grim, as their panic becomes more apparent because even though it hurts she isn't falling, she's just steadily continuing to advance on them as her body mends itself the way it was born to.
Every sting of a bullet is a relief. Because if it's her being shot, it isn't him.]
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It's stupid, but it's almost like he freezes up when he sees it, when he spots her getting hit by the bullet, the sound she makes and the way she nearly collapses on him-- this really can't be happening. This is exactly what he was trying to avoid, and by the time he's enough aware of the situation again to be able to move he tries to grab her and support her.
But it's already too late, the bullet falls out, letting out a light chime as it hits the earth. Seeing her healing powers in action doesn't really surprise him - she did recover way quickly after that night when Sannan seriously injured her arm, after all - but the fact that she even got hurt to begin with is something he just can't let go. Here he is, a strong warrior, captain of one of the divisions of the Shinsengumi, everything he ever worked for-- and he's letting an innocent girl take bullets for him, even if it's not voluntarily.
And when she walks off and her hair changes color from night to snow, all he can think about is just how badly he wants to chase after her and grab her and pull her far away from this battlefield where she just doesn't belong. But he also knows that if he just storms after her, all her pain will have been for nothing - he'd just get them both killed. So even though he mentally curses himself and kicks the ground, Shinpachi knows that all he can do here to help her (and himself, but that's of lesser consequence right now) survive is fight dirty. Killing people from behind. Letting someone important to him who isn't even a warrior take blows in his place.
God, what is this battle doing to him?
But for now there's no time to reflect on it. Every moment he hesitates is another moment Chizuru suffers, so he's already moving, running until he's right behind the squad firing at the poor girl. And it only takes seconds before they're all bodies on the floor - striking two in one swing, then another, then another, his thrusts even stronger than usually since it contains all the hatred he can muster up for cowards who'd shoot at a girl even before they realised Chizuru is a little bit more than that.
There's only a brief moment where he allows himself after the strikes to make sure there isn't another one of those soldiers close by, but then he's already moving over to the girl. And without saying a word in advance, he grabs her with the arm that isn't carrying the blood-soaked sword, holding her so close to him that he presses her against his chest, holding onto her with an vice-like grip even if it's just one arm he's using, even if he's smeared with blood and dirt and cuts from the battle.
He doesn't care. He's not going to let go of her now and let her get hurt more, not when she's already taken so many bullets, not when it must have hurt so goddamn much--
For once, there's actual anguish visible in Shinpachi's eyes. And it's just this time, just as he's staring down at the girl he's so desperately clinging onto, like letting go of her might just kill her right now. He'll charge back into the battle in a few moments since he knows he can't abandon his men, but he can't just walk away from this and pretend nothing happened.
He can't. ]
Chizuru-chan.. [ His voice shakes a little, and then he grits his teeth. ] Dammit, don't you ever do that again..!
[ He sounds enraged, but it doesn't sound like it's aimed at her. Shinpachi throws temper tantrums way too often for anyone to not be able to tell when he's mad at them, and despite the anger, it's not him being mad at Chizuru.
He's mad at himself for letting this happen, he's mad at the Shinsengumi for even coming up with this idea, he's mad at the enemy soldiers for going after her rather than him. ]
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But she can still move -
This won't kill her, she's okay -
Then Shinpachi grabs her, holds her tight against his chest and she feels her face crumple. She doesn't want him to see that, though, because just him having to see the way she proves that she isn't human is hard enough, and she presses her face against his chest, paying no mind to the blood or the dirt there. God knows there's enough blood on her anyway, staining her clothing as the wounds begin to heal over. She winces, because this time it's not quite so thorough, this time some of the skin starts to scab over before the bullets are out and she knows, knows that is going to hurt.
She's dizzy, with relief and with pain. Her vision blurs with tears and she makes a soft noise as she tries to blink them away, but it doesn't quite work.]
I... [She sounds dazed.] I'm sorry...
[Because she can't give him the answer he wants to hear. Don't you ever do that again requires her to abandon her duty as his shield and as much as this hurts she knows it would be so much worse if she had let even a single one of the lead balls to find itself buried in Shinpachi's flesh.
This hurts so badly. Shinpachi still has things he needs to do, a battle he needs to win. His men are depending on him...
She gasps, her head snapping up to look at his face. His men... She wants to stay here like this but she knows that's not possible. Not with the battle still raging around them, not with the rank-and-file soldiers laying down their lives... they're trying their best, giving their all. She has to, too.]
The battle, [She whispers, even as one of her hands tightly grips his haori. She doesn't want him to let go of her, but she knows he has to. She shudders.] Nagakura-san, it's not over...
[And she would do the same thing all over again - even with her current wounds - if it meant keeping him safe. It's a very real possibility. She doesn't care; she'll survive. As long as he's okay, it's worth it no matter how dazed with pain she becomes.]
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Of course he hasn't forgotten the battle - it's impossible here in the thick of the smoke and the gunshots ringing out in the distance constantly - but he's trying to think of a quick way to deal with this in his mind. How does he fight this battle and keep Chizuru safe if she's exactly the one who isn't intending to stay safe while he's trying to fight his way through? It's already seemingly impossible enough without further distractions.
His head leans down, whispering in a low tone, something only meant for her ears as she's right there with his arm wrapped around her. ]
If a bullet threatens my life, then I know I can't stop you, but don't feel so obliged to take everything for me. I'm a tough kinda guy, I can take at least two of those. [ That's probably a bluff, and he knows it, but on the other hand, maybe if he has the time to dodge just enough to make them not land in an area that's too critical.. ] I won't tell Hijikata-san or anyone else. We can say it was an accident.
[ He lets out a tired breath. ]
So.. c'mon, don't do something like this to a guy like me.
[ Don't look so sad and so hurt, don't take the pain that's meant for him, he's a warrior, he's been willing to lay down his life if he'd have to since the very beginning. She didn't choose that kind of life, he did, so he can't bear to see her suffer in his place.
He's apparently not taking any verbal protests to that though, since the next moment he's letting go of her (still supporting her for a brief moment to make sure her wounds did heal enough for her to stand) and running off into battle once more. He knows she'll follow, that's not what he's worried about. If she didn't have that kind of stubborn dedication to a cause, they wouldn't have this problem to begin with. But he figures she can't step inbetween him and the enemy soldiers if he's quick enough, so he runs up to any he can find that aren't aiming straight at him, cutting them down when he's able to. It's a lot harder to focus on battle when he has to remember at the same time to make sure Chizuru stays back, to protect her from herself, but--
Once he's gotten past the first few lines of enemies, he just gapes as the sight in front of them. There's so many bodies mowed down, and still a few more trying to storm the proper enemy lines up ahead. But every single one is being shot down before they can even get close - their guns are even better than the soldiers he encountered on the battle field so far with Chizuru, being able to shoot across a great distance.
(And he recognizes so many of the faces of the fallen, practically all of them, and the more he looks the more he realises just how much of the second division is left, who's still there, because it's almost like every single one of them is lying there lifelessly.
There's nothing worse than the feeling of realising something really is well and truly lost - mostly because Shinpachi hasn't had that feeling much in his life, he's always tried to find some way around it, but even he knows that charging to the enemy lines there won't mean anything but him joining those bodies - but he sure is feeling it as he's staring at the field ahead now.
He's so lost in the shock for a moment that he forgets all about Chizuru being there with him, instead just staring as he tries to think of what to do.
(Pulling back is the only sensible option, retreating and telling Hijikata this can't be saved, but when has he ever done that?) ]
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"Don't do something like this to a guy like me."
She is no warrior, that much is for sure. So maybe she'll never fully understand how terrible it feels to watch a civilian running headlong into danger the way Shinpachi has had to watch her. But she does know the guilt of letting a dear friend take a blow for her, and just remembering it makes her stomach churn.
...if it's anything like that, then...
There is guilt ingrained deeply into her expression. She knows how awful it feels to watch someone get hurt trying to protect her; it must be a blow to Shinpachi's honor, she knows that, and yet... maybe it's selfish of her, but she doesn't want to lose him. She doesn't want to hurt him either, though, and she's stuck between two irreconcilable goals: save his honor and save his life.
Is the fact that she's so willing to choose his life over his honor just proof of how incredibly different they are? Man, woman, warrior, civilian, human, demon... They just keep piling up. She wants to stay by his side, but she wonders if that, too, would cause him pain.
But there is no time for wondering, because he's on the move again and it's all she can do to keep him in her sights. She has to stay close by so she can protect him - but he's trying to protect her - and her heart nearly stops as she sees him strike down soldier after soldier. He is quick and sharp and strong, and of course he comes out of it alive, but if even one man with a gun had enough time to take aim before they tasted his blade...
If he got hurt because she wasn't able to keep up...
Why, why can't she be strong enough to protect him without that protection hurting him?
She nearly lets out a sigh of relief when Shinpachi finally comes to a stop, because if he's not moving that means she can make it to his side. She crosses the distance as quickly as her wounds allow and is utterly unprepared for the sight that had stopped him in his tracks.
No...
She looks on in horror at the sea of corpses and injured men and flinches as a round of cannonfire and gunfire cuts into a group of men and sends them falling to the ground. It's too much. There's - there's no way they can win this. Maybe Shinpachi can think of a way, but Chizuru is no battlefield tactician and seeing these men falling one after another sends her into a blind panic, and she reaches for his arm to hold onto it tightly because if he runs out in there ahead of her like he did minutes before he could be next and she can't allow that to happen.
It must be so much worse for him, she thinks. He recognizes the fallen. They're his men.
...and it's for that very reason she can't voice the obvious We need to go. She would never allow someone to drag her away from the scene, if it was her comrades (when did she start thinking of them this way? They can't think the same about her...) out there - if she was watching Heisuke and Harada charge the line, and then watching them fall; if she was seeing Saitou be cut down with a burst of cannonfire, no honorable battle at all; if she was there to witness Okita crumple to the ground, never to get up again... And Hijikata, and Kondou, and Sannan and all the others...
She wouldn't leave them. She can't ask Shinpachi to leave his men, either. She isn't a warrior but she recognizes that much - and yet, she can't risk him joining them, which is why her hold on his arm never loosens, not even for a second.]
Can... [She swallows thickly, looking up at him uncertainly.] Is there... anything we can...?
[He is the warrior; he knows battlefields. If he says they still have a chance of winning, that means they have a chance, and she'll do whatever she can to help him win. But if even he acknowledges this is a lost cause... then she can't just let him waste his life, but she can't do this to him, can't force him to abandon his men although so many of them have already perished -
...he has to live, somehow. She has to make him live. If he continues to fight, she'll be there at his side. She'll never let him die before she does.]
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And.. well, if he's entirely truthful with himself, this just is an impossible situation. There just is nothing to be done about it. The sight of bodies dressed in blue hues everywhere is proof enough of that. If none of them could lay even a single hand on the enemy, then even Shinpachi won't be able to do the same before the many bullets nearly rip his body apart.
He glances sideways at the girl clinging to his arm, his expression a little hard to read compared to usually. Usually his emotions show so easily and naturally without even having to think about it, but this sight makes so many emotions rise up in him that he just looks like he's trying to hold most of them back from bursting out on the spot when, even if his men are gone, she at least still needs his guidance.
He swallows thickly. ]
.. No. [ It's the worst thing to admit. There's nothing he can do. Even though he's been training all his life to become as strong as he has, even though the Shinsengumi are known for fighting even in the most desperate situations, there's nothing he can do. Probably not even if he used her as his shield, but even now he's purposefully not even entertaining the thought of that. ] We should retreat and report this to Hijikata-san and the others. [ And figure the hell out what they're even going to do from here.
He glances into the distance again - the enemies with their guns far away from them, the many bodies on the floor, the blood all over them just like it's all over him as well.
(But he's alive and they're dead, and they're the men he's been training with, patrolling with, laughing with, drinking with, and he'd trust every single last one of them with his life if he'd have to, otherwise they wouldn't have been worthy of being called men of his division. And turning his back on something that means so much to him is one of the most painful decisions he's ever had to make.
But they're dead and he can't do a thing for them anymore, while Chizuru is very much alive and needs him to get out of here, especially with how many bullets she's had to endure already.
So his decision is made.) ]
They haven't spotted us yet, so let's go. [ His voice is soft and not just to make sure they don't get spotted after all, but also since he just can't find the power to raise his voice right now, not while he's still trying to process the loss.
Shinpachi turns, making her do the same with how she's clinging to his arm, and the moment she lets go - he would love to give her a reassuring smile right now, to tell her everything is going to be okay like usually but it's so not okay that he just can't - he starts running back in the direction of the headquarters, making sure she's keeping up and not leaving his side. He can't afford to lose anything more now. ]
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She wishes there was something she could do. Perhaps she's clung to humanity too tightly - if she were fully trained in the use of her demonic speed and strength, if here healing capabilities were just a little better... could she have helped change the outcome of this? Maybe she would have been acknowledged as a warrior; maybe then it wouldn't hurt him to have her help. Maybe she could have wiped out all those men who had struck down the Second Division before they did so much as load their firearms.
But that's wishful thinking, and it isn't going to help anyone. It doesn't change the fact that while her bloodline is impressive, her mastery of the skills it provides her with is nonexistent.
She doesn't see how this is going to be alright, and while she would dearly love to believe that it will - she just can't. When she loosens her hold on his arm so that he can go, it strikes her that she's glad Shinpachi isn't offering her any empty words about everything being alright; it would feel like a lie, and this is awful enough already, she doesn't want to feel like he's lying to her on top of it all...
She takes off after him, feet pounding on the ground and her breathing somewhat labored - her stamina has gotten better since she became more active in the Shinsengumi's affairs but she's still hurt, and the wounds are still fresh and raw, even though they've started to heal; too much jostling could reopen them. But she can't lag behind. They have to make it back to headquarters, and it almost looks as though they will, but about halfway there a sharp pain shoots through her side and she doubles over in pain.]
Nagakura-san, I'm sorry, I need to--
[She looks up, expecting to see him, and she does. But there's something else between them - the silver of a sharp blade, and she blinks at it before following the blade to the hilt, the hilt to the hand holding it, and then all the way up to the wielder's face...
Her blood runs cold. Kazama.
She didn't even see or hear him coming, but he's appeared as if from nowhere and has his blade between her and Shinpachi as if to keep them separated. He sneers as he looks in the direction they've come from, then to Shinpachi, then the direction they're going to.]
So you turned tail and ran... [Chizuru starts to protest, but he dismisses it before she even has the chance to get the words out with a scoff.] Tch... I was right nothing from you. [One hand grabs her upper arm roughly - she lets out a gasp of pain because that was the location of one of the bullet wounds, and Kazama removes his hand only long enough to examine the blood on it that had soaked through her top.] Pathetic. Hurry back to your master, dog. I'll be taking her off your hands. [He grabs her again, this time by the lower arm so as to not aggravate her wound further, but Chizuru flinches at his touch and tries to tug her arm free. Predictably, it's no good.]
I'm not going anywhere with you..!
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.. and that's when he spots the blade. And since he's so alert thanks to the whole battle going on, it hardly takes him more than a second to realise just who's holding it, but just that second is enough for the demon to already move and grab Chizuru. He hardly hear the words that rub in the fact that he's running (although he hardly needs Kazama of all people to tell him that it's stupid and cowardly since he's been perfectly good at beating that in his head with every single step he's taken away from the pile of bodies) because he's too busy staring at the way he holds Chizuru just in a place that hurts, the way the girl winches, and he's pretty sure that for a moment he can feel his heart sink all the way to his feet.
Just what he needed today of all days. Fighting a losing battle, having to run, losing practically all his men, and now he has to face Kazama since like hell he's going to let the other run off with Chizuru. There's no way he can abandon her to that kind of fate. Because of who she is - smiling, brave Chizuru - but also since she took so many bullets for him today. There's not even a choice in his mind, The only choice is to face Kazama and beat his ass down for even daring to touch her like that when she doesn't want him to. For a moment he imagines arriving back at the headquarters and having to tell everyone that not only did he get his entire division killed, he also let Kazama escape with Chizuru, and he immediately decides it's unacceptable even just to himself.
Despite the way his body already aches from the earlier fights, Shinpachi swings his sword in less than a moment after Chizuru pipes up again into Kazama's direction, hoping it might at least force him to let go of Chizuru. Maybe he can tell her to run while he distracts Kazama or-- well, do whatever as long as it'll get her out of this creep's hands.
Of course it's not that easy though since Kazama's swordsmanship - if it can even be called that, considering there's no actual technique behind it unlike Shinpachi's own kind polished from years of training - is based on using only one hand, so he's already blocking the strike as he still holds onto Chizuru with the other hand. ]
Tough luck, you caught me in a bad mood! [ To put it lightly. Today isn't quite his day. It probably explains that despite his words having the usual bravado, there's nothing about in his expression - no glint, no smile, just frowned concentration. ] Although I wouldn't let you get your hands all over her anyway!
[ Even as he pushes against Kazama's sword, the other hardly seems to break a sweat. ]
Are the men of the Shinsengumi truly that eager to die? I hope you realise you aren't going to do anything but waste my time, human.
[ Shinpachi just grunts in response, pulling his sword back only to clash it against Kazama's once more. ]
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But Shinpachi, unlike Kazama, is upset, and Kazama, unlike Shinpachi, is a demon. He has no anger or despair clouding up his sword, he just has strength and speed that far outstrip even the rasetsu.
But he is less free to dispatch him with one hand occupied keeping Chizuru (who has been struggling to try and trip him up since Shinpachi first rushed him, because she knows he is stronger than almost anyone and if he can just get an opening to land a low, she knows everything will be okay) still, and he shoves her back - sending her off-balance so that she stumbles and lands badly on the ground.]
Run if you like, [He says to her, almost like she's an afterthought.] But the other men here don't have any reason to desire you alive. [He does, however twisted his reasons for wanting her alive are. Hopefully she isn't so slow-witted that she doesn't understand his meaning.
But Chizuru wouldn't have run, anyway, because now that Kazama has more freedom of movement he is bringing down his sword on Shinpachi too quickly for her eye to follow. She hopes desperately it's because she isn't accustomed to battle and that Shinpachi, a true warrior, will be able to see and dodge or block. She looks on anxiously, wanting so badly to throw herself in there to stop Kazama from ladning any blows, but hitting the ground so hard has reopened another wound that had been in the process of healing and even just leaning forward to try to get up is beyond excruciating.]
Nagakura-san--
[Her shrill voice goes ignored by Kazama, who lunges for him.]
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So all he can do is his best, even though this is his second seemingly impossible battle today. He can see Kazama swing his sword, but the second half of it is way too fast, he almost misses it completely because it just goes by too quickly. The most Shinpachi can do is try to dodge it since it's already too late to try and block the strike, and even when he dodges all he's able to do is move the strike to a less unfortunate place so he doesn't at least get his head sliced off in one move.
Instead the sword buries itself (not too deeply, but god, it still hurts) into his shoulder. Shinpachi's already glad enough he managed to let it be the shoulder less important for swinging his own sword, but he knows it's just going to slow him down more.
He wouldn't give anyone the satisfaction of actually hearing him yell in pain, but there's definitely an incredibly pained grunt at least with the way he can feel his own blood starting to stain his haori as well. The moment the other's katana leaves his flesh, Shinpachi quickly presses a hand against it, trying to stop the wound from bleeding too much and just making him pass right out on the ground. It'd be a pathetic loss. ]
Don't worry about me.
[ Said to Chizuru, of course, even though he's not directly looking at her. He'll live. He'll find some way to defeat Kazama right here and not or so god help him, since he can't accept any other outcome of this battle despite the odds being incredibly slim. ]
Naturally. My bride's worries would be wasted on your kind. [ Kazama scoffs, something slightly more annoyed in his usual lazy smirk as he speaks up. ] I have seen what you use her for.
[ And without Kazama having to mention just what he's aiming at, Shinpachi already knows. Chizuru being his shield. Sure, it might not have been his decision, but his stomach still turns at the mention of it. His hand leaves the wound on his shoulder, instead gripping the hilt of his sword so tightly that his knuckles turn white, and he angrily swings his sword at the demon - even with his form definitely lacking because he's already wounded. But he doesn't want Kazama to talk about that of all things, so he doesn't even think before trying to strike. ]
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Kazama looks down, surprised. The front of his kimono top is ripped; furthermore, there is a light wound across his chest. That surprise gives way to rage - his face contorts and he gives off a menacing aura as he steps forward, his hair lightening to white, his eyes shining gold, and horns sprouting from his head. While it would have been possible for him to be mistaken as a human in his usual form - there is no denying that he is decidedly not human.]
How dare you...!
[Even the words he bites out are more of a guttural snarl than anything else. This lowly human dares to lay a hand on him? He'll make him pay. He'll see him broken and dead, and there is an inhuman strength to each and every one of his strikes, an unnatural speed as he lunges and parries and makes every effort to make Shinpachi suffer for what he's done.
This isn't the rasetsu bloodlust; it's madness of another kind.
Chizuru forces herself to her feet in spite of the dizziness and the pain of her wounds and the way her energy is being sapped by her body's attempts at healing itself, draws her sword, and darts forward, intent on - helping somehow, on making Kazama stop, on getting Shinpachi out of there. Kazama's only acknowledgement of her attempts is to bat her away when she gets close, with enough strength that it sends her sword flying to the side and sends her flying back to slam into a tree and crumple to the ground.]
No...
[Finally, Kazama stops, and he kneels down to grip Shinpachi roughly by the hair and force his head up to check that he's alive. He would love dearly to slay him right here for his insolence, but he's seen the Shinsengumi and he knows there is a better way to break him. He adjusts his head to that Shinpachi's gaze falls on Chizuru, lying still on the ground at the base of the tree.]
You failed.
[And with that, he turns on his heel and goes, striding over to heft Chizuru up over her shoulder despite her weak protests - she isn't able to fight him off, she doesn't have the strength - and he takes care to stay within Shinpachi's sights as he walks away, his last bit of cruelty to be forcing the last thing the man sees to be Chizuru being taken away with him unable to do a single thing about it.
No one will come for him, Kazama thinks; this is the end. But Chizuru isn't willing to accept that, and she calls out for him -]
Nagakura-san! Nagakura-san!
[It's less a cry for help and more a desperate plea for him to live. She can bear it, whatever Kazama's plans are for her, as long as she knows that being taken away stopped Kazama from outright finishing him. He has to live.]
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It's pretty pathetic that it's all he can do, but on the other hand, it's practically a small miracle that he's still alive after all those blows.
When he thinks the final strike is going to happen, it doesn't come. Instead he feels a force on his head, fingers digging into his hair, and his face is lifted from the floor only to meet Kazama's gaze. Shinpachi can't force his body to still do much of anything at this point (and it's so incredibly aggravating) but the least he can do is still glare at the demon even now, even in his current state. Resistance until the very end, even if it's in pathetically small ways.
But then he still isn't finished off. Instead the man slowly starts to understand what Kazama is doing when he walks off and towards Chizuru instead. He's intending to leave him like this (although that doesn't give him a too great chance of survival anyway with the rate he's bleeding at unless someone happens to stumble upon him, but he's not even thinking of his own state of being right now) and take Chizuru with him. No--
He tries to gather every single last shred of strength left in his body, tells his body to move, to get up, to save her already. But it's impossible, his body is completely at its limit. Even now she's calling out for him (even now she's thinking about him rather than about herself) and he feels so incredibly pathetic and weak for not even being able to save her, the most brave and selfless girl he's ever known.
Shinpachi has to save her, he knows it, he can't just let her be taken away since they made a promise, dammit, but there's nothing he can do, he'd already be lucky enough to just walk out of this with his life but as he is right now he can't even reach for his sword--
In a desperate attempt to get up that of course fails and makes him fall back onto the earth again, he hears a very dull clunk against the ground. It takes him a moment to realise what it is, but then he realises it. Right before he left he had an argument about the ochimizu as well, and even though he insisted on not taking it with him he did have the bottle in his hands when he had to quickly head out, he must have slipped it into his clothes so he could put it back later (or smash it on the floor when no one would be looking).
...
That means there is a chance.
An extremely cruel chance. He doesn't want to take it, even now. He never wanted to take it before. He hates the ochimizu and all it stands for, he hates the idea that people are being turned into rasetsu, he would be fine with dying, that's what a warrior is supposed to do, but he always said he'd never become one of those under any circumstances.
If this situation was any different, if it was just about him, he would have let himself bleed out right here. But this isn't just about him, it's also about Chizuru and the fate she's got ahead of her, being handled as nothing more than something to produce babies by that demon against her will--
He made a promise.
He made a promise.
He made a promise.
The more he repeats it in his head, the more the possibility is starting to seem real. (And the more he starts to hate himself, little by little.)
Knowing he has no choice, he weakly tries to get the bottle out of the folds of his clothing and closer to his face, fumbling to even get it open. He stares at the liquid and his stomach turns, but he knows there's no other choice. He'll die anyway. And Chizuru has been so selfless, throwing herself into harm's way for him, getting herself hurt so much that she almost cried. He's be a pathetic guy to not take it - although he still knows it's no excuse, not to him.
Shutting down all of his thoughts, Shinpachi brings the bottle to his lips and pours the contents straight into his mouth, swallowing thickly.
A surge runs through him and it's one of the most aggravating things he's ever felt, like his body is changing, like the blood in his body is boiling and then suddenly goes ice cold, and pieces of flesh and cuts start to mend until Kazama's beating is hardly visible if it wouldn't be for Shinpachi's clothing giving it away. His eyes go from blue to red, his hair turning white as snow.
And as he transforms into something different, Shinpachi grabs his sword and rises to his feet again.
(Don't think about the way it feels so awful, don't think about how much you hate yourself for doing this, don't think of anything but what you're doing this for, her and the promise you made, he tells himself, and he grits his teeth.
Time to be the biggest pretender.) ]
Turn around and put her down. [ At first his voice is at a normal volume, but then as he speaks up again, it rises, almost like a growl. ] This isn't over yet..!
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Sees a glint of light against glass -
He's already downed the ochimizu before she can scream for him not to. Not Shinpachi. Please god, not Shinpachi. She wants him to live - desperately wants him to live - but not like that, not when he's already made his thoughts on the matter of rasetsu quite clear, she doesn't want him to have to go through that for her sake. Someone might have been able to find him and treat him so he could go about his life as a human, but now...
...he's taken the ochimizu and the way he grabs his sword and addresses Kazama makes it seem like it's for her sake...
Her stomach churns with guilt and she can't do much more than stare at him, horrified, as Kazama lazily turns to look over his shoulder.]
Hn. [He almost sounds surprised, though the look on his face is one of disdain. He knows little of Shinpachi personally, but... he does so detest these fake, man-made creatures that are neither demon nor human.] You must be truly desperate...
[But he finds little admirable about the desperation. This battle is already lost. Shinpachi can demand that Kazama put his bride down all he wants, but drinking the ochimizu won't be enough to stop him from taking her. It was always little more than a matter of time. Even his transformation into a rasetsu bothers him very little - in spite of the fact that it really should. As a human, this man had wounded him. The rasetsu are false demons, but they are stronger than your average human...
But of course, demonic strength far outstrips anything that accursed concoction could muster up.
He does not set her down, but he does turn to face Shinpachi fully and draws his blade - but does not yet strike.]
Go on. I'll be glad to show you how futile this attempt of yours is.
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Especially since he has something to fight for.
So without wasting another word, he's already charging at the demon, making sure that he's aiming for the side he isn't carrying Chizuru on since hurting the girl in the process of attacking Kazama is the last thing he'd want to do. But still, he's striking hard and fast, more so than he's ever done before. There's a new sort of strength running through his body and he's hitting harder, actually managing to drive Kazama back a step or two with a click of the demon's tongue. Not enough to have such a clear victory over the other the way the demon forced him onto the floor, but at least it's got to mean he's not helpless anymore, that he at least can do something.
He hates that it had to come to this, but he can't show weakness in front of Kazama, so instead he forces a grin. Maybe somehow bravado will be enough to get rid of the other, although he isn't hoping for much in this case. ]
I told you to put her down, didn't I?! The one who's gonna take care of her is me..!
[ He downed the ochimizu, so that might as well mean he's taken that responsibility upon him. He'll protect Chizuru from whatever there is - enemy troops, Kazama, even the rest of the Shinsengumi if they start wanting to use her more in this kind of way. To think all of that snowballed from one promise-- well, whatever, everyone always says he takes things way too far anyway. ]
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...and yet. Shinpachi's strikes drive him back - clearly he won't be able to do this one-handed any longer. He drops Chizuru unceremoniously and she slumps over on the ground, winded. As she looks up, Kazama starts swinging his sword to fight back against Shinpachi's strikes.
Her stomach nearly drops out as she watches them. Shinpachi, his hair white like snow and eyes red like blood, facing down Kazama, who had laid waist to him moments before and would do it again, if he could. She's terrified for his sake - not just because he might lose his life, but even if he lives... he's become one of the creatures he was so against creating. How can she ever make up for the fact that he had to go so far just to save her?
He's outright said it, "The one who's gonna take care of her is me," and that knowledge cuts like a knife.
She was supposed to protect him, but right now he and Kazama are locked in a battle of whirling blades and she can barely muster up the strength to sit up.
There is the clash of metal on metal and the horrifying sound of swords biting into flesh. Kazama grits his teeth, but doesn't falter in his return strikes, the cut skin already beginning to knit itself back together even as his own blood runs down his arm in rivulets. It's galling, for Shinpachi to have landed a blow not once but twice.]
You won't be taking care of anyone, [He snarls as he brings his arm back to prepare for another lunge.] Unless you're doing it from beyond the grave!
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(If this was any other situation, one where he didn't have to turn into a rasetsu, then he might have actually enjoyed this battle, one where he's just fighting someone one on one and not being sure at all if he'll even win.)
The odds are still on Kazama's side since he does manage to strike Shinpachi more often than the man manages to strike Kazama - the difference between a demon and someone who's only halfway there - but it doesn't mean as much when every single time Kazama's sword digs into his flesh there's only that momentary pain he's used to anyway after so many battles before the wound closes itself like it never even existed. If there's anything annoying about it then it's the fact that the scent of blood is filling his mind, but he tries to shove it to the background and focus on fighting, winning - he's not so sure how he's going to win from Kazama's superior strength yet, but he'll find a way. He'll drive him off somehow and take Chizuru back safely, it's all he can think about.
Shinpachi only manages to block the demon's attack half, and the edge of the blade still cuts a fine line across his chest, the wound knitting itself together easily. ]
Like hell I went this far just to lose from you..! [ He pulls his katana back only to have it meet Kazama's when he swings it forwards again, the sound of steel on steel resounding between the trees. Shinpachi realises too that they might as well be here all day at this rate, or until Shinpachi's body gives up on healing, but it's not like he sees a clear opening or opportunity to end this quickly either. Chizuru must not be able to get up either with the way she's just there on the floor.. damn, even the hardest thing he's ever done wasn't the easy way out, huh? ]
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The humans fighting the battle proper can take care of their own affairs. This is a human war, not a demon war, and he considers his debt to the Satsuma long since repaid. His interest lies more in stamping out the rasetsu he so despises, crushing the hopes of the Shinsengumi he has become so interested in, and absconding with a female demon worthy to bear his children.
He draws his sword back once more and - ]
That's enough. [This time, neither his sword nor Shinpachi's connects with steel or draws blood. Amagiri is suddenly there between them in the blink of an eye, having caught each of their blades in a different hand. His expression is somewhat disapproving - both of the appearance of yet another rasetsu and of Kazama's dallying to toy with him.] It is time to go.
[Kazama sneers and his eyes narrow into slits.] Amagiri...
[Amagiri holds Kazama's gaze for a few long moments and something passes between them silently before Kazama finally relents and nods once, sharply. The red-haired demon releases his sword so that it can be sheathed but keeps a hold on Shinpachi's lest the newly-turned rasetsu decide to try and attack again. Kazama glances briefly at Chizuru.]
Do not think this is over. I will come for you, Chizuru Yukimura.
[She shudders, Kazama turns to go, seeming to vanish in the blink of an eye. Amagiri releases Shinpachi's sword, bows once to the both of them, and does the same.
It's so lucky that Chizuru can scarcely believe it. They've really just... left? After everything? It means they'll be able to make it back to headquarters, but... it also seems too good to be true. She stares at the spot where the demons were just moments before and manages to make it to her feet to cross over to Shinpachi.
She stumbles, on her way, but reaches out to grab his arm to keep from falling on her face. Why aren't her wounds healing quickly enough...? Perhaps it's because she's been injured too much in too short a time. Perhaps she just needs rest. And she'll be able to have that, when they make it back, she's sure of it. A more pressing concern is Shinpachi, whose wounds are healing but who has paid a terrible, terrible price.]
Nagakura-san... [Her voice breaks. He should never have gone this far to protect her, never... she's not worth it. She isn't worth the ochimizu.] Y-you... Are you...?
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Shinpachi just stares at the appearance of the other demon inbetween the two of them, preparing himself for whatever odds he'll have to beat now.. but then Amagiri is telling Kazama to stop it and go, and when Kazama actually somehow wordlessly agrees Shinpachi honestly just feels surprised that it's over so easily.
(Not that he can call it easily, not like this, but-- at least it means he protected Chizuru from that sort of fate. He managed to protect at least one person today, unlike the way he couldn't save any of his men.)
He's very much just staring at the same spot as Chizuru is, like Kazama might return and say he's just kidding any moment now. But a few moments pass and they don't come back, and then Shinpachi suddenly feels something tugging at his arm, realising it's Chizuru who actually made her way over to him, and for a moment or two he doesn't exactly react. What is he supposed to say to that kind of question, after all, "are you.." -- alright? Because he's not, really, he's had to do the one thing he hated the most. He doesn't regret doing it since not having done it would mean Chizuru would be gone and he would be practically dead, but.. it's not like he's exactly happy about it either.
The man knows he's something he utterly detests now. But there's no choice but to live with it. The last remains of the second division, more dead than alive--
He finally turns his head to look down at her, his eyes still red like blood. ]
.. Yeah. I'm alright. [ He's not wounded, after all, so he can easily say that much. Shinpachi may feel like shit, but it's not like he's in any terrible physical condition, and he'll say anything just to not see her making that face. (The complete lack of the usual energy in his tone still gives him away completely though.)
He turns fully now, moving to support her so she won't fall down with his arms, as his hair slowly turns back to the usual brown from the roots to the tips. ]
What 'bout you? You're hurt, aren't you?
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It isn't fair. It isn't fair. It's all so unfair that Chizuru wants to scream from the sheer frustration of it all, because Shinpachi deserves so much better than this. He worked so hard to keep his spirits up to boost everyone else's morale, and this is what he got for it.
And he's even taking the time to worry about her and ask her about her wounds, as if his own situation wasn't so much worse...! Even having been dealt such a horrible hand, Shinpachi is still Shinpachi.
It's not fair to him.]
...I'll recover.
[She is a demon. She's tried to keep the accelerated healing hidden, but it's something she's lived with her whole life, and she knows that the next morning or maybe the morning after that, depending on how much time she has to rest (if the wounds keep getting aggravated before they've had the chance to fully heal, this could go on for ages), it will be as if never happened.
For her body, at least. She'll never forget the sight of Shinpachi fumbling for the vial of ochimizu, never forget the sight of him standing before Kazama with snow-white hair and blood-red eyes. She'll never forget what he sacrificed to save her... and she can't see how she'll ever be able to repay him for it, either. That's something that will stay with her forever, even after these wounds heal and any bruises or scars fade away.]
But you... [Her voice trails off. Undoubtedly he knows - knows that when you become rasetsu, there's no going back, knows that while her wounds will heal he has been forever changed by all of this. It seems cruel to remind him of it. She looks down, her hold on his arms tightening a little.] ...what are we going to do now...?
[We, because there's no way she's leaving his side, not after what he's done for her. He only took the ochimizu because he had to do it for her sake. She can't - can't - abandon him now, not for anything.
(She never intended to in the first place, which is why she was so glad for that promise.)]
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He pulls her just a little bit closer, like something might appear and take her away again all the same. ]
We'll go back to the headquarters now. You'll be safe there. [ He just has to do what he was planning on doing all along, just like he never drank the ochimizu. ]
.. Let's keep this a secret between the both of us though. Hijikata-san and the others don't have to know. [ Because that'd mean he would have to join the Corps, and that's the very last thing he'd want on top of all of this. Especially since it'd be so very convenient to shove him in there with all of his own men gone by now. But he doesn't want to be among other rasetsu, he doesn't want to think of himself that way-- he'd rather endure the discomfort of being up during the day. It'll make things harder, but he's sure he can hide it if he tries. In an ideal world Chizuru wouldn't have to know about it either, to save her the pain, but there's not much he can do about that now.
He stares at her for another two, three moments, taking in her expression, and then he decides it can't go on like this. If he doesn't do anything, she'll just stay sad, she might blame herself, so.. come on, Shinpachi, you've stood for worse challenges. Surely you can muster up a smile in front of someone who needs it, no matter how hard it feels right now.
He laughs, a grin breaking out on his face. At first it's a little shaky, but then it becomes less so. ]
Oi, oi, c'mon, Chizuru-chan! Don't make a face like you just had to attend a funeral! [ Even if that might as well be what all of that just now was, along with having to see his dead men.. ] That bastard's gone, so it's all gonna be alright now, see? And after acting all tough 'bout it in front of that demon, I guess I can't take back those words about taking care of you.
So.. don't worry! I'm gonna make it all okay!
[ For her, anyway.
It's already too late for him now and he knows it. ]
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[Is such a thing possible? Shinpachi's duties bring him in close proximity to blood very often. True, Sannan and Heisuke have retained their sanity - well, mostly... the jury's still out on Sannan... - but even they must struggle with it, and they aren't made use of in conflicts that might turn bloody as Shinpachi will be working as a normal captain.
Not to mention, the pain and the exhaustion...
She feels like she has a choice here. Insist on letting the others know, so they can help him, or... trust him. When it comes down to it, it really isn't a decision at all. There is only one course of action she can take.]
...right. A secret, just between you and me.
[She actually manages a smile, though it's slightly saddened. She does trust him. If he thinks it's possible to keep it a secret, that means it most likely is - Shinpachi has faced down incredibly odds and come out on top so many times. And, who knew...? Sannan and Heisuke were kept inside during the day; they rested... but sometimes, Chizuru has found that working through illness and not languishing helps speed a recovery.
If Shinpachi keeps pressing on during the daytime... is it possible that the pain might be lessened...? That he might be able to control it better, if he masters it instead of letting it master him?
...if anyone can do such a thing... it's him. She is a little uneasy about what the future might hold, so her smile is uncertain and she still looks like she might cry - until he laughs, and she looks up at his face in shock.
He's smiling...
The fact that he's trying so hard to cheer her up when this is all so much worse for him is so much like him. It would be a lie to say she doesn't feel guilty at all over the way things have turned out, but his smile warms her heart in ways that she can't even begin to explain, and in spite of everything the knot of tension in her gut starts to ease by just a little bit.
I'm gonna make it all okay!
At those words, her smile becomes more genuine. When he says it like that... she can really, truly think that it might, somehow, all work out for the best.]
Nagakura-san... I believe in you. When I'm at your side, I can really believe this will be alright. [She smiles a little more brightly.] ...we'll figure this out together.
[For now, though... they have to make it back to the headquarters. Chizuru will do her best to keep up, even with her wounds, but she doesn't doubt for a moment that they'll make it there just fine.]
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