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Entry tags:
ic; peel the scars off my back, i don't need them anymore
( leaves ryo and kento here since i can tbh )
( leaves ryo and kento here since i can tbh )
( leaves ryo and kento here since i can tbh )
( leaves ryo and kento here since i can tbh )
no subject
But then he notices Eiri taking a breath, and the hold on his shoulders tightens momentarily, and Haku gets it. He only just got out of the infirmary, and he only got out of that coma the bullets that put him into for a little while a small bit ago.. he must still be getting used to actually being out and about like this rather than just lying in that infirmary bed and doing nothing in particular.
Haku doesn't audibly mention it. Not this time. He knows that Eiri doesn't really like being called weak, or small, or child-like, even if he tries to push the shorter man with those kind of teasing words all the time outside of this situation. He'll cut Eiri some slack, if not just since Eiri isn't making fun of the fact that he's the one being so careful for once. That he's not taking all the opportunities he could take here to tease Eiri.
Instead he just stares at the other, smiling back softly at that statement.
Of course. It's Eiri. He doesn't hurt that easily -- and he bounces back from absolutely everything. No matter how weak the fact that he's short might make him seem, Haku knows better. Eiri is strong.
And Eiri is his Messiah. He'll keep him, too.
Although there's something slightly sad in the smile as well, maybe bittersweet, and the reason is obvious when he speaks up again. ]
Does it still hurt?
[ Not anything Haku does, but.. well, obviously he means the places where he was shot by the bullets. Technically those are his fault too, anyway. He wasn't the one who pulled the trigger, but Higayama still shot thinking it was all for Haku's sake.
As if Eiri wasn't the best thing that could've happened to him.. it's almost a little ironic, honestly.
Haku's free hand moves a little lower, crawling until it's at the bottom of Eiri's shirt and then slowly moves into it. Slowly mostly so Eiri won't freak out right away since it's not like he's doing anything weird here, he's just moving the hand up Eiri's back a little, seeking out the scars the wounds have left behind, feeling them. They're just as much Eiri's as they are his, after all.
(And.. well, okay, maybe it does feel a little nice to run his hands over Eiri's skin, but that's mostly just a side advantage of it, okay. There's not much time to think about it with the awkward guilt that lingers at the touch, anyway.) ]
no subject
So he doesn't answer right away, not even when Haku's hand starts to wander - though Eiri tenses up automatically because what is he doing now? - but the longer he lets the question sink in and Haku's goal becomes more evident, Eiri considers bluffing.
Haku is hurting. Not physically and maybe not as bad as he could be, but he's not in tip-top shape. Has he ever been? As long as Eiri's known him, he's always been fine, but there's always been something just a little bit off, too. He's been too carefree and aloof, even when Eiri has had his emotional explosions. But he recognizes it now as a need for Haku to distance himself so he wouldn't get hurt.
Not more, not since he's lost too many Messiah before.
Eiri could lie and say he's fine - and he will be, it will just take time for the physical wounds to heal - but then he would be distancing himself from Haku in the end. And after they've finally learned to trust one another and overcome the gap between them, it would be a slap in the face.
Haku's putting himself on the line; the least Eiri can do is be honest.]
...A little.
[Not because of what Haku's doing, of course, though his breathing hitches just slightly as Haku passes over a bandage where one of his wounds isn't healing as fast as the others. It doesn't hurt that bad, but it's more that he doesn't want Haku to have to see - feel - how torn up his body is. But he's already gone this far, so he can't shove him away now. Eiri just purses his lips and turns his head away, heat starting to redden his cheeks.]
Not as much as it did.
[And if Haku still wants to explore, his fingers will pass over other scars, older scars, skin slightly raised and smoothed out by years of healing.]
no subject
[ Not that it's still hurting a little, but.. well, that it's getting better. Since it means that Eiri will sooner or later be able to get rid of these bandages, that he'll be alright once more. If there really had been seriously lasting damage that would impede Eiri's abilities to function Haku would only have felt more guilty and worse, after all. But his Messiah has fought the battle against the damage of the bullets well enough that he'll pull through just fine from something most people wouldn't even have survived. Typically Eiri, in his own kind of way.
But Haku's fingers move up, even across the bandaged spots. They feel the spots inbetween, the areas above - Eiri's shirt has probably been hiked up at least halfway now, but as long as Eiri isn't protesting his silent touches, then Haku sure isn't going to quit. It's an odd quiet and thoughtful moment between the two of them, and it almost feels like even the slightest word or utterance from either of them is going to break it. Maybe it's why Haku's fingers linger there a little more, tracing the outlines of scars that are too old to have been caused by Higayama, too embedded in the shorter man already. Similar scars, he can tell - since he's seen enough bullet wounds during his work for the Church - which means that Eiri must've gone through something like this before.
.. has he? Honestly, it's only now that Haku once more realises that he never bothered to ask. He didn't want to get to know anything more about Eiri than was absolutely necessary, and he didn't want to tell anything about himself either that wasn't necessary. Keeping Eiri away from him, keeping himself from Eiri - that was what was important. Knowing more, knowing where he came from.. all of that might've just caused feelings that would only make things harder or draw him nearer to his Messiah, right after he swore to not do that again, to close his heart off to be able to survive. Even when during intentional annoying contact he felt the slight calluses on Eiri's hands when he hadn't been with Sakura for that long yet, the obvious signs that it wasn't that he only then started holding guns a lot, he had ignored it. He coudn't afford to listen where Eiri came from, the things he enjoyed doing outside of what they did now. The family Eiri had, the food he likes, the friends he spoke to and what they talked about, the songs he listened to before he joined Sakura.. Haku doesn't know any of them.
It must've been hard. All this time he could only think about his own way of coping with things, but.. if Eiri really did go through something involving scars like this before joining up with Sakura, then he must've not exactly had a fun time either. And he knows that his Messiah doesn't nearly need someone to be there as much as Haku needs it, that he's the weaker one out of the two of them.. to not be able to share anything with anyone because the one person he could do it with was just distancing himself in every way possible -- it still must've been hard. Even on Eiri. Or at least harder than it could've been on them all this time.
Not anymore, though. Haku doesn't want to keep up that whole thing anymore. Eiri has proved to him that he can survive danger, that they'll stick together rather than letting Haku's jinx linger on, so Haku doesn't want to keep his distance anymore.
He wants to know.
Because neither of them have to hold back anymore when they have the other.
Haku leans down a little, nudging Eiri's head until it's no longer turned away, and he gently leans his forehead against Eiri's forehead, closing his eyes.
His fingers glide over the scars that are worn by the years, touching but not pressing, tracing the outlines as if to gently, carefully - almost lovingly - map every last piece of the other. ]
How about these..? [ It's almost more like a whisper at this point. ]
no subject
Eiri is almost afraid to even breathe because even though their beginning has been rocky, it's still their beginning and their relationship and the idea of losing it is just...wrong. After what he's just been through to keep Haku, after these tiny, but significant confessions, he can't bear starting over with someone new.
...God, how has Haku even done it?
Eiri is no stranger to loss, not after his family's deaths, not after the gang was wiped out. And while losing his family hit a lot harder, after realizing he no longer had a gang to return to, it hurt to feel alone. What would he do? Where would he go? What was the point?
And he didn't even like the gang all that much. They didn't particularly like him beyond his shooting skills, either, but it was still a family in its own way.
Haku lost multiple Messiah, a person they're supposed to grow close to in order to forge a strong bond just by knowing everything about them, knowing what they'll do in any given instance because they know each other so well. With closeness comes attachment and every time a new string has to be cut, it feels like a knife in the gut, to varying degrees of pain.
Or a bullet in the back. However you want to see it.
Eiri doesn't refuse Haku's nudging, doesn't shrink back as their foreheads touch, doesn't squirm away from his touch. They're talking and though it could hurt later on if they find themselves in a situation where one of them could face death again, it's important to learn. And, who knows, maybe this way they can grow so strong that they won't be put in such a danger again.
That's the point, isn't it?
One of Eiri's hands moves to the back of Haku's neck, his fingers slowly threading through the ends of Haku's hair. He would play with Moe's hair if she were scared or upset sometimes -
...Ah.]
Those don't.
[He keeps his voice quiet, as well, still uncertain if this moment could be broken by the wrong noise.]
Not all scars are physical, though. It just depends.
no subject
Except now it's something real and not just a memory, it's someone here right with him who cares about him enough to figure out what to say or do to calm Haku down and make him feel better. Someone who's with him, who's looking out for him.. his Messiah. He doesn't want to lose the contact or this moment just as much as Eiri doesn't, so that's why he doesn't move, like he's silently begging the other to not let it stop this quickly.
Not even at those words and the realisation of what they mean. Eiri's been hurting too all this time, and Haku is his Messiah. Haku wants to make him feel a little better too now he's resolved himself to the belief that he and Eiri will manage to make it together. ]
How.. [ His voice trails off for a moment, and there's something surprisingly unsure in his tone compared to the usual casual way he talks. Maybe since this is just one of those ways that his lack of experience with the world really shows, and he needs a moment to think and figure this out. Even something that might make a whole lot of sense to a normal person takes a little longer with Haku, after all. ]
I'll try to make them hurt less.
[ The non-physical ones he means, of course. He's not a doctor, he can't do anything about the physical ones he can feel on Eiri's skin, but the rest.. he wants to be able to help Eiri with them, it's just that he doesn't know how. He's never really been taught how to deal with any of these things, so there's an implication in the words that goes unspoken - so tell me how I can help.
After all-- ]
.. mine hurt less, too.
[ You'd be hard-pressed to find any decent scar on Haku's body though. There's small things - bruises from more recent missions, maybe, or a spot that's still sensitive and easily sore from where his uncle kicked him just a few times too many back when he was a kid. But it's not like Eiri's back. Haku's scars just are all purely psychological, and if the loss of every single Messiah he's had would have to be expressed in physical scars, his back would be worse off than Eiri's.
But Eiri is the one who helped with his scars, who made it all feel so much lighter and easier to bear. So it's only normal to want to help in return in some way now he's finally stopped being stubborn about pushing his Messiah away. ]
no subject
Haku is...
Well, he's certainly something. Annoying. Infuriating. Aloof. A complete and unrepentant slob.
...Held together by invisible threads.
Eiri doesn't know nearly enough about his Messiah, but what he does know is that his life has been one sad disaster after another, a series of events that would break even lesser men. But Haku is still around and remarkably stable, despite having lost various partners, despite having learned that his precious brother was the reason behind those lost partners, that Eiri himself had nearly been added to the body count. Somehow, Haku is okay.
But at the same time, in such a moment like this, he feels like a child, so vulnerable and in so much need of reassurance.
Protection.
Haku is oddly endearing, or at least that's what Eiri tells himself as his arms slip loosely around Haku's shoulders and he moves himself enough so he can hug Haku. He's endearing and has a certain childish charm that causes people to want to take care of him.
Yeah. That's the reason.
(That's not the only reason and Eiri knows it. He knows it.)
After a few moments of silence, Eiri finally speaks again.]
Just stay here, yeah? You're my Messiah. And...
[His hold tightens slightly.]
And I'm yours.
no subject
If it's that easy.. well, of course he can do it. In fact, it's something he would want to do even if it wouldn't help Eiri specifically to begin with. After what they've gone through now he certainly doesn't want to be seperated from Eiri. He didn't want to be seperated from him to begin with, he didn't want to lose another Messiah, it's just that he still tried to prepare himself from it, tried to distance himself from Eiri as much as he could.
It never worked though. No matter what he did, Haku always found himself drawn more and more towards the loud and easily angered guy who called himself his Messiah. At first it had just been amusement at seeing his reactions, but slowly over time it grew into something a little more. A fondness for how open Eiri was about everything, how genuine and true to himself he was -
Everything that Haku isn't.
And now all he's telling him to do is just stay there. To continue being Messiah. As if it isn't a natural thing already, as if Haku isn't already attached and a little (okay, no, very much so) codependent.. ]
I'm not going anywhere.
[ How could he, when he's so nicely enveloped by Eiri's warmth like this? Eiri's body pressed against his own, the arms around his shoulders.. he doesn't want to ever lose that. He doesn't want to lose Eiri. But instead of dealing with that by acting distant and annoying, he's going to tackle it head on by protecting Eiri, by relying on his Messiah. By believing in him.
Sure, getting attached to your Messiah - even if it's practically necessary - is always a risk. Haku knows. He's been on the losing side of that risk far too many times. But somehow it doesn't feel too bad to risk it this time when this is what he's getting.
Letting himself (carefully, so Eiri's sore body won't have to make too many quick sudden movements) drop on the bed next to the other guy instead of hovering above him, Haku's fingers cautiously move to find scarless spots on Eiri's back, lightly digging his fingers in there, clinging to the other in return.
It's more than Haku would have let himself do at any other time before, but now he just snuggles straight into the embrace. He can't help it. Not when it feels so nice and warm and protective and basically everything he's lacked yet needed ever since he was that lost child alone on the street found by Sakura. ]