mysteries | ic; a guy like me can't hold onto or let go of you

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ic; a guy like me can't hold onto or let go of you

( actual rendition of what's going on here tbh )

[ He tries to frown a little at the statement. Because he did say that, and he doesn't want to take it back since that'd be terribly uncool (and hey, Kiyomi is weird, but that's exactly why he got so interested in her..), but it's hard to frown in her presence somehow. Especially when she sees so happy. So it doesn't get much further than a slightly wrinkled forehead before she moves her hand into his hair even more, and it's just.. so comfortable...

Letting out a half-sigh, half-groan, he buries his face into the spot where her neck meets her shoulder for a moment. It feels so nice, even if something is vaguely embarrassing about all this. He doesn't want it to stop, but letting it continue without protest feels weird too -- life is hard when you're Itsuki and tsun, okay.

So he instead tries to focus on words more than how nice it feels when she pulls her hand through his hair like that. ]

They keep getting mad at me and I dunno why.

[ Because in his eyes, he isn't doing anything wrong. This is how he was raised, it was always alright in the past, so.. why wouldn't it be now? Are those guys really so naive that they think they can rely on their Messiah so easily, without thinking? ]

.. they probably look down on me. [ That's said with a slight frown at least despite the situation. Because if there's anything Itsuki hates, it's that. And it's why he's confessing it only to Kiyomi now - because she doesn't. She doesn't look down on him the way people so easily do, and it makes him feel more validated and appreciated than anything else could. ]

[ She moved her left hand from his hair to his back, and her right hand from his chest o his hair. Snaking her arm under him to reach. She could feel him mutter against her skin, and yet still heard him clearly. She began rubbing soothing circles on his back, resting her face against his neck in return.

She felt so warm and safe against him like this. He leaned into her so that he was practically laying on top of her. Not like he was trying to pin her down, it was just inevitable with how broad his torso was in comparison to hers. Even so she encouraged it a bit, subtly tugging on him so that he covered her more almost like a blanket. She let out a small sigh of her own, needing to resist hooking her leg over his hip, her leg twitching slighting against him instead. She needed to focus, and not derail him. ]

I don’t think it’s that they look down on you. They probably just don’t think that you take it seriously. And they don’t want someone to die because of something reckless that you do.

[ That was what she had heard anyway, second hand through Kiraki who seemed to have taken Mamoru’s frustration and somehow amplified it tenfold. Where Mamoru was ready to give him some harsh words, Kiraki was ready to grab him by the scruff and tell him exactly how he needs to shape up. But Kiyomi had made sure to convince Kiraki otherwise, or to at least stop her from marching into the Church on her own. ]

I don’t look down on you.
It's just that since Mamiya-san died, they are just very aware that any of them could die at any moment, and they just don’t want to lose anyone else.

[ It's more than a little distracting, this position. Itsuki tries to keep his mind on what he's venting about - since he really does want to get it out, it's why he came to Kiyomi in the first place. He can't get it out anywhere else, and he'll feel like he'll just blow up into pieces if he just keeps all of this in, watching them get frustrated at him again and again. But her lying fully under him like that, feeling her against him, even feeling her leg twitch a little.. it's too much.

That is why Itsuki has to take a deep breath before he goes on, his hand idly drawing circles near her collarbone. ]

Don't they know that's just the way this job is? If you die.. then you die, that's it. Then it's just over.

[ It's something he's already prepared himself for, more or less. Not like he's a pessimistic person and it's even less that he would want to die, but it's just that he's realistic enough to acknowledge it could happen. It could always happen, anyway. ]

They're too idealistic. Pretending they care about this whole Messiah deal, too..

[She made a small sound that was almost like a groan. She leaned into his touch, his hand caressing just below her collarbone. She found that she was rather sensitive there so she made sure to let him know. She gathered her thoughts for a moment, keeping her movements soothing against his head and back. She could feel his heart rate increasing, and she was certain that is she moved her leg just slightly she'd be able to feel other physical reactions to her being so close.

With a sigh, she prepared to speak, removing her mouth from his neck just enough to be fully audible.]

You think they don't know that? It's not about them dying themselves, that's easy to come to terms with. But it's what happens to the people left behind.
It's almost naive to think that dying is that simple, it almost never is. And...Messiah...

[She shifted him away just enough so that she could look him in the eyes. All the while trying to avoid glancing at his lips as she spoke, her face still so close to his.]

I know it feels strange, since you're assigned to work with and depend on one person, but the reality is that you must. As long as you're here, Ariga-san is the one person who can save you.

And if you don't care about dying, and that's why you don't care if he saves you...then you won't care to save Ariga. And in that case, of course he's going to be upset, because you're basically sealing his death sentence.

[She stroked the side of his face, resting her hand in his hair again, giving him a gentle smile.]

Just try to understand. They just worry about everyone's lives but their own, really. It's the only thing that they have to hold on to.

[ There's a small, but almost frantic movement when she moves him away like that. It's only slightly, yes, but when the movement first starts Itsuki doesn't quite know if she isn't just shoving him off altogether and telling him to go away. Will she have the same reaction as those guys back at Church? Will even Kiyomi reject him entirely now? It's so scary that he clings onto her for a moment, shutting his eyes closed tightly as if bracing himself for the impact.

Except it doesn't come. Instead she speaks on, and Itsuki slowly opens his eyes again to stare back at her.

She's even smiling at him, and he's so captivated by that and the fact that she hasn't rejected him harshly yet that he can only stare for a moment until the words slowly start to hit him. ]

That..

[ He bites his lip a little. It's words he's said to Ariga before too, but back then he said them carelessly. Exactly because he believes them to be true so deeply. But somehow it feels a little bit harder to say them so easily in front of Kiyomi - a strange kind of guilt he can't quite place.

But on the other hand, she said she's been taken advantage of so many times.. shouldn't she of all people know, then? ]

People aren't like that.. right? They just lie and pretend since it's convenient for them, or since they want to save face.. How would you know if they're for real?

[ She saw and felt how he reacted, and it sent a sharp pain of sadness through her. He was still expecting to be rejected, even after all that she had said and done already. ]

Are you calling me a liar? I like to think that my judgement of people is very accurate.

[ She moved her face even closer to his, so that their noses were touching and she could feel his breath on her lips. ]

Even then, at the very least you know that I'm for real, right? You don't think that I'm just taking advantage of you, or that I'd just discard you so easily.

[ As much as she did love talking to him, it was late and she had one more thing that she wanted from him before she slept. If he was going to be stubborn and not belie what she said she'd have to try other methods to convince him.

She finally hooked one leg over his hip, and placed the other between his. She wrapped an arm around him so that she was flush against him. She licked her lips as she looked up at him, her eyelids drooping, a few soft moans falling from her lips as she got comfortable against him.]

Itsuki...what are you so afraid of? I'm right here, aren't I? I'm not going anywhere, and I want you to stay with me, all night...I don't want you to leave me.

[ She added a small vulnerable lilt to her tone that wasn't completely fabricated. She was vulnerable, she was taking a huge gamble on him since she had been hurt so many times. She hoped that he realised the full weight of that, and so wouldn't hold out on her because he thought he was protecting her.]

[ At first it seems like he's thinking about what he can even say to her in return.

But then all of that flies out of the window. Every single thing he might have thought up already at that point is just gone - since Kiyomi is there, and suddenly Kiyomi is everywhere. So close to him, her legs around him, her breath mingling with his own from how close they are. Itsuki can feel himself almost instinctively growing even harder against her, and his cheeks go along with it, turning so red that it's visible even with the lack of light.

He's so weak against her pulling this. Kiyomi's way too good at seducing people, even if it does make him feel a little awkward.. how much of this is genuine, how much of it isn't? Does she really think she has to do this to keep him around? It's not like he doesn't want to be around her, it's just that he's so scared she's somehow fake after all in the end when he already trusts her this much, that she'll throw him away once she's done with him..

He swallows, realising his throat has hardly ever felt this dry. Itsuki doesn't seem to be able to tear his gaze away from her own while they're like this. ]

You.. you're for real? [ There's already a hint of the answer he wants though in the question itself. He's so desperate in wanting to believe this is real, that Kiyomi does genuinely care, that she's the very first person to do so.

(He's clinging to her a little in return without truly realise it, his hands slowly wandering over her sides a little.) ]

I mean.. you don't have to act any way for me. W-what I'm saying is.. that it'd be annoying [ worrisome, he actually means, and it's obvious ] if you'd be anyone but yourself..

[Her breath caught in her throat for a moment as she continued to meet his gaze. He was still a little frightened and uncomfortable when she acted this way with him. It deeply perplexed her, as the only way she ever learned to deal with men was by using their sexual desires. Itsuki clearly had them, she could feel his desire growing against her leg just as she expected. But what she didn’t expect was how he clung to her and stammered, almost faltered.

And when he said the last words she almost gasped, but was honestly too shocked to react. He was telling her than she didn’t need to seduce him like this, she didn’t need to put up a show. She only had to be herself. (even when she still didn’t fully know who that was.) ]

I’m sorry I…I never mean to lie to you it’s just I…Seduction is one of the only ways I know how to deal with men…

[ Before she knew it, a few silent tears had leaked from her eyes and on to the pillow below her. She relaxed a way from him a little, letting her hips rest on the bed with her chest still pressed against him.]

But it’s real this time. I actually want you. And I’m sorry, if I act unlike myself because…I still don’t fully know who I am, this is all so new to me…

[She closed her eyes for a moment, squeezing a few more tears out.]

If you don’t actually want me like this, that’s fine. I’m sorry if I’m going too fast. I’m sorry…

[ She didn't even know what she was apologizing for anymore. She just held onto him tighter. She wanted him, this was so new for her. But normal people in relationships waited, right? He was young, he had never even kissed a girl before. And after learning that she used her beauty and charm as a means to an end, of course he'd be suspicious. And maybe she was just using him. She was lonely and had never had agency like this before. Maybe she was just toying with him, she didn't know. All these feelings were so new.
But even so she knew that it hurt her to see him like this. It hurt to see him scared and uncertain. She wanted to reassure him, she wanted to protect him, she wanted to stay by his side.]

[ Oh shit. What did he say? Did he go too far? Is it since he sucks at putting things he really wants to say into words properly without trying to word it in some other way?

It has to be. She's crying, after all. Here he was trying to reassure her that it was fine, that she didn't have to do anything special for him, but Kiyomi's response is to cry. Did he really do something that stupid? Why does it keep happening like this, with everyone reacting in such unexpected ways to the things he says..

There's a part of him that wants to run away, avoid being hurt further, but he can't. Not while she's crying. He definitely can't leave her alone like this, his heart already hurts enough just seeing Kiyomi cry. Even though she puts up such a strong front usually.. ]

Don't.. don't apologize.

[ His expression drops a little bit before leaning in close to her, gently giving her a (very chaste) kiss on the lips, almost as if to reassure her or calm her down. Itsuki can feel his cheeks light up at the sensation of her soft lips against his own, but that's not what matters right now. He has to say things properly for once, he has to make this okay again somehow. Because even if there's some other people he wouldn't bat an eyelash at if they got worked up because of him, Kiyomi is different. Especially when it's to the point of crying. ]

I-- I want you. But I want you just as you, that's what I'm saying.. [ He swallows, worried that he's saying it the wrong way even now. But he holds her gaze, trying his best to not look away even with his heart racing in his chest from her presence and sheer neves. ]

Just as Kiyomi. Even if it's hard.. [ It's difficult for him to imagine, since he does know who he is - or thinks he does, anyway - but he does want to take Kiyomi's problems seriously. ] Just.. don't think too much about it.

[ More tears streamed down her face as she smiled at him. His kiss was so careful and soft that it made her heart soar. He wanted her, he wanted her just as she was without any acts or pretensions. She was so happy that she didn't know if she would be able to stop crying about it. ]

Don't worry Itsuki. I'm just...I'm just so happy. No one has ever said something like that to me. No one has valued me as a person like this before, no one has wanted me for anything besides my body before. [ She sniffed, nudging her nose up against his cheek.]

Don't freak out, you didn't hurt me [ Now she wanted him even more than before and had no idea how she would control herself now. he had no idea how fast they should go. Either of them could die any day here, and ever apart from that she would be happy to strip him down and take him right then and there on her bed.

But for that moment, she just stroked his hair with her ankles crossing over his. His heart felt like it was going to beat out of his chest so she wanted to calm him down a little before she did anything else.]

I really like it when you kiss me, Itsuki. You're so soft and gentle, and I can tell that you just don't want to hurt me. [ She sighed against his ear, ] Just don't worry, okay? You can kiss me just about as much as you want.

[Her hips wanted nothing more than to connect with his again, but she did her best to resist, trailing her other hand down his back, feeling his heart pound against her chest. ]

[ Maybe it's a good thing that she's crying. Not because it would ever make Itsuki happy - the opposite, he hates seeing her cry, because Kiyomi deserves so, so much more than that - but since it at least takes up all of his focus so much that he doesn't even notice how Kiyomi is slowly wrapping herself around him, her hands roaming his body.

He doesn't notice, because all he can do is look at her voice, listen to her words, and just hope that he's at least doing something right here that will make her happy. Because he never knows the true effect of his words at any given time. ]

Alright..

[ His answer is a little soft, as if he's worried that speaking up with his usual tone and volume might just shatter some part of her. And right now he needs to keep her together. Can he really afford losing a piece of Kiyomi when he's only just started to get to know her?

Covering the distance between them again, he kisses Kiyomi once her, his lips slowly moving against her own. It's nothing too deep - not yet, anyway. He mostly wants to keep it slow and gentle for a bit, to make sure she really believes that he would never hurt her. That he's here for her, for who she is, and not just because he wants to do more here with her right now. His mind is too childish to immediately jump like that anyway, especially in the middle of Kiyomi's distress.

Pulling away, he lets out a small breath, his hands moving onto her cheeks. ]

Don't tell anyone else.. [ Since it's embarrassing, mostly. Nevermind the fact they're already supposed to keep all of this secret, punishment is not even as bad as embarrassment. ] B-but.. I'll make sure to kiss you lots then.

[ A thrill of warmth spread across her entire body and she let out a deep sigh. She returned the kiss, making sure to match his level of passion before he pulled away.

She continued to smile. His kisses were just as sweet to her as his candy was to him. Not just because she could taste a little lingering flavor from his last lollipop, but because he was just so tantalizingly gentle and soft. So delicate and careful. She wanted to do more with him, yes, but with how he kissed her like this she now wanted to just savor it for a bit. Just trade slow kisses like this for hours. ]

Of course I won't tell anyone. This is our secret.

[ She placed her hands over his and closed her eyes. She savored to feeling of him cupping her face so carefully. She curled her body against him, getting as close as she possibly could. She sniffed a little, and she could feel herself calm down. She nudged her forehead up against his and settled in a little bit.]

I'm alright, Itsuki. You haven't hurt me, and I know that you would never hurt me, you can relax.

[ She moved one of her hands to rest briefly on his cheek before trailing down his shoulder to his side. ]

Just relax. I don't like seeing you so on edge, it's alright.

[ She continued to whisper, repeating things almost like a mantra. Maybe his body couldn't fully relax yet with her this close. He was still so knew to all of this, that wouldn't surprise her. But she waited, if he wanted to push her away, he would. She didn't want to let go of him for even a second, so she allowed herself to be a little selfish in that moment.]

[ He doesn't want to admit out loud that he's on edge - even if it's Kiyomi and he can at least express some things a little bit easier without feeling like he needs to act tough all the time just to get by, it still feels a little embarrassing to just say it out loud like that. So rather than giving her any verbal reassurance that he'll be fine, Itsuki instead drops the tension from his body, his shoulders getting a little less stiff as she moves her hand across them.

It's just that he can't help but worry when it's about her.. He can see her pain so clearly, and it worries him at times that he'll just make it worse, that he'll give her more of it. That he'll just be another bad experience for her when she deserves so, so much better than that.

His hands stay on her cheeks, but his thumbs move to gently rubs her cheeks, trying to wipe away some of the tear trails that still stick there. Kiyomi is way too pretty to let small things like that ruin it. She's the most beautiful when she genuinely smiles, after all..

He clears his throat a little awkwardly, blushing lightly. He doesn't want to admit a lot of things out loud, so all he can do is talk around it, accepting her this close, wrapping his legs around hers as well. ]

Look at it.. I-.. I just came to talk 'bout some stuff, and then all this happened..

[ At least it doesn't sound like he's being self-depreciating, it's more like a "welp, that escalated quickly" sort of thing. ]

[ She sighed contentedly, feeling him relax against her. She too was able to relax letting her hand rest on his hip. ]

I'm sorry...I...didn't mean to...

[ She suddenly gave a small yawn and nuzzled her cheek against his hand. Crying like she did had made her sleepy. As much as she wanted to stay awake and talk to him more, she didn't know how long she would be able to resist falling asleep in his arms. ]

Thank you though...thank you for being here.

[ She wanted to thank him for so many things. For being so careful and so kind. For valuing her so much and for caring so much about what she thought and felt. She knew that she was safe to fall asleep in his arms. This was perhaps the greatest show of trust that she could give him, and she hoped that this would quell his fears.

Kiyomi then began to shift, moving so that she could curl up against him. She pressed her ear to his chest and listened to his breathing and heartbeat. Nothing was more soothing or comforting to her than his his embrace.]

Itsuki...

[She murmured, ]

I'm so glad that I met you...

[ Well, in the end it didn't do too much about his problems. Sure, Kiyomi did say some things he'll have to consider lately, but there's still some kind of frustration about it all that just gathers up somewhere in the back of his brain.

But it's too far away to reach right in this moment. And besides, it's not like he didn't get some other things out of all this. Kiyomi curling up against him like that, a lot more obviously content than a little bit ago. Thanking him for being there (something no one has ever done before) and saying she's glad that she met him (something no one ever has said either).

If he can stay like this a little bit more, then it's fine, right? His problems seem to melt away instantly every moment he spends in her presence anyway - like there isn't enough space in his brain for anything else to occupy it than Kiyomi whenever she's near.

Wrapping his arms around her, he's sure to keep her close, show her that he'll protect her no matter what. Sure, the Convent might be a hell of a lot more safe than most places, but that doesn't matter. He'll still be up all night just to watch her, to make sure she's alright and sleeping at ease.

(Not that he'll actually make it all night, but you know, Itsuki is Itsuki. He'll believe in it all the same.) ]

So just sleep then.. [ He's trying to even keep his voice down here for her sake instead of being his usual loud self. ] I'm not going anywhere.

Itsuki...
[ She sighed into his chest, completely and utterly content in that moment. She squeezed him tightly in appreciation before relaxing into a more comfortable position. She couldn't believe how incredibly lucky she was to have met him. It made her realize how much she had been missing out on. It made her see the joys of such emotions that she had one seen as trivial. Things like love, happiness, joy, they were only seen as tool to her, accessories. But now that those feelings bloomed in her chest and she could feel them being reciprocated, she understood. She understood why people could be so easily manipulated sometimes, it felt wonderful to know that someone cared about you.

She kept her lips sealed tight, worried about what she might blurt out in a state like this. She knew that she would be able to sleep no matter what after the last time he slept over. The only thought more appealing than this was if the two of them could some how live a normal life. Date like normal people instead of having to sneak around and keep things a secret. But in the end it didn't matter, as long as she could keep feeling his arms around her, she'd be fine somehow.

And with those thoughts, she felt herself continuing to drift off, her breaths slowing as her consciousness finally slipped away, giving way to sleep.]

[ Itsuki watches every moment of it, continuing to hold onto her. He doesn't want to risk her being uncomfortable and not falling asleep, that's the reason he tells himself for it - but it's actually just that he wants to stay here like this too. He can't think of any other time he's held onto someone like this, but it's so nice and comforting to know he's not alone. That he doesn't have to face everything by himself, that there's someone who genuinely cares about him and wants to help him out, despite everything he's learned to believe up until this point.

And that's why he has to stick here like this and protect her. Because what is he going to do if anything would happen to her? To Kiyomi, the one person who cares about him? Would he even be able to forgive himself if he did nothing to stop that?

No way. So he'll protect her. No matter what happens, he'll protect her, so all he has to do is stay up tonight and watch her sleep - certainly not a punishment, considering how beautiful she is (he realises that even more now) and how peaceful and genuine she looks while sleeping like that without having to worry about what kind of face she should have to put up.

That's right, all he has to do is stay awake. Even though it's so warm and comfortable in bed, and Kiyomi is so soft, and her breathing makes him calm down so much..

.. It doesn't take more than ten minutes tops before Itsuki has fallen asleep as well, clinging onto her like a baby koala. ]

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ic; a guy like me can't hold onto or let go of you

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