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Entry tags:
ic; god that was strange to see you again
( puts mamoru being cute here because i can )
( puts mamoru being cute here because i can )
( puts mamoru being cute here because i can )
( puts mamoru being cute here because i can )
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[ The words come out with a little difficulty, if not just since her actually recognizing him only confirms the fact that it really is her. That she's here, that she's alive, that he can meet her again - they're all good things, no doubt. But the shadow of the last time they saw each other hangs over him like a weight pressing down on his shoulders hard.
He abandoned her, didn't he? He lead her there to be killed - and despite the fact that he didn't have any other choice, it's been weighing on him heavily ever since. Why didn't he just find some way to save her-- that's what he thought to himself over and over when he was alone. Wasn't that why he got with the police to begin with, to save people, not get them killed? ]
I thought.. [ .. you were dead too, he means to say, but he can't force the words past his lips. They feel too loaded, too harsh, and he swallows them right back up, shaking his head a little.
That's not what she needs to hear, and it's not what he wants to say. He wants to say that he's so glad to see her, that he's sorry if she might have worried about him when she heard that, that so much happened--
But he has to say the most important thing first, right? ]
.. I'm sorry.
[ For last time - for all of it. ]
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She tried to tell him last time. That it wasn't his fault. He was just doing his job he had no choice. But that wouldn't help. She had always known what his job meant to him.
It wasn't leading friends to the death-row.]
Yeah. I'm alive...
Her chest feels tight. It's almost hard to breathe. They are alone for now but it's still too open, too exposed. She looked around. The architecture of the Church was identical to the Convent as she was told. There had to be some place they could go.]
[She couldn't form any more words. She wanted to scream, cry and run all at the same time.
Without warning she jerked forward and grabbed a hold of his wrist. She jerked her head to the side. Trying to indicate that she wanted to go somewhere more secluded. But she knew that if she tried to speak at that moment only tears would come out.]
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Mamoru has already made his mind up within seconds, no matter how the guilt still feels like it threatens to knock him right over. He can't let her stand around being this sad, no matter what, so he's already nodding at her before moving, letting her be pulled along by that hold she has on his wrist.
She must want to be somewhere alone with him to talk this out, and he can't blame her.. just saying "I'm sorry" doesn't feel like it's good enough. Not to a friend you led to their own execution. No way. He figures that his room must be empty right now (Kaito did say something about going to use the computer system, but it was drowned out by the fact that Mamoru was still in his stupor over recognizing Kiraki before the other even did in the middle of all that), so it's the best spot he can think of for now.
Thankfully he could dream the way through these hallways to that place, so despite the fact that his mind is in a thousand places at once, his feet carry them straight to the door, opening it and leading her inside before closing it behind the two of them again.
.. not that it makes any of this easier. They've moved, but he still doesn't know what to say, or how to quite look her into the eyes right now.
Sucking in a breath, he says the first thing that comes to mind from his natural mother hen tendencies-- ]
Are you.. alright?
[ Wait. No. She looked like she was just about to cry before, why would he ask that now, stupid? He would hit himself in the head right now if he wasn't so concerned about her foremost. ]
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He leads her into the living quarters. She notes that funnily enough, his room is in the exact same position as hers in her sister school.
It's not a comfort, simply a fact.
She could almost predict what he was going to say. That itself was almost funny to her.
She lets out a strained and broken laugh, tears still threatening to fall. She might have even been bruising his wrist but she didn't want to let go.
Her laughter was almost unhinged. As logical a response as tears would be to the cacophony of emotions within her. She was ecstatic to see him again. That little bit of joy managed to leak out, but not untainted.]
Mamoru...God I want to say that I'm fine, but the last thing you deserve is me lying for the sake of your feelings.
[her words come out rushed and jumbled. The first real sentence she's said to him and she hardly even knows what she said. She wants to meet his eyes, but instead looks down at her hand still clamped around his wrist. It's like an infant's grip and she seems to have lost the ability to control her hand.]
I...I'm just...really glad that you're alive...
[She managed to whisper,]
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And now he's just standing there, asking stupid questions when all she needs is comfort. It's the least thing he should do for her after what he almost did to her.
All he can think of are the nights when Kaito's delusion of Haruto almost seemed to waver, when he was standing there looking so very lonely, and the only thing that could comfort him was--
Using his free arm that isn't currently clasped by the girl like it's done with a claw, Mamoru moves it around her back before drawing her a little closer towards him. Maybe a hug is a little strange and intimate since they haven't seen each other in what feels like so long thanks to how drastically his life changed and with them only just meeting again, but.. well, he can't think of any better way to make this come across. ]
It's alright, Tsushima.. it's alright.
[ They're both alive. Even though each of them thought the other was dead, they're actually standing here, both of them together. She's so close that he can practically feel her heartbeat only confirm the fact that she's really there, the solid physicalness of her body against her arm telling him she's real.
There's so much to make up for that he doesn't quite know where to start, but maybe this will just have to be said start - Mamoru doesn't quite notice he's holding his breath for a moment after that slightly shakey statement. ]
.. it's alright.
[ There's more he wants to say - like I'm so glad and I'm so sorry and I missed you, but those don't quite make their way out. All he can say is this much. It's alright now, the two of them are right here, their friendship wasn't brutally severed by death.
He'll be here. He doesn't know how much it might help (what if she actually can't stand him anymore because of what he did, even when she uses words like "the last thing you deserve", he wouldn't blame her for it), but if she needs it, then he'll be right here. He's not moving an inch from the spot where he's holding her with one arm.
That much is what he's decided. ]
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She couldn't help but take several steadying breathes, that in turn filled her senses with his familiar scent. Her heart pounded in her chest, and she swore she could almost feel his against hers.
It was all her fault. Regardless of the situation, she had killed a man, and was sentenced for her crimes. She had killed the man who was dead set on destroying her life and everyone in it.
He made a threat and she snapped. And then she broke the heart of the very person she had wanted to protect.
She knew Mamoru blamed himself. He always did. If he ever even thought about himself at all, it was always thoughts of blame and regret.
As pathetic as she felt, she had to do something for him. She could not imagine the suffering he had to have endured, thinking that he had led someone he cared about to their death.
Having glimpsed his face, she saw a look she knew well.]
If you have something you want to say, please...don't hold back.
[She pried her fingers from his wrist one by one. The digits trembling as they traced their way up the back of his arm. She gripped his shoulder and pulled him closer. She was tense and her movements rough but that was not going to stop her from holding him too.]
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It's why he smiles very, very sheepishly, pausing for a moment as if he's trying to even find the words. It's true that there's stuff he wants to say, but rather than holding himself back from saying them, it's more just that he doesn't know how to do it to begin with. ]
I.. [ He starts, and then shakes his head, staring again - not letting go of her just yet. ]
I'm just glad to see you alive too.
[ That's the main thing here, isn't it? To know that she isn't dead.. that's the most important thing.
His grip on her tightens just a little bit, and he's not entirely sure anymore just who's comforting who here by now. ]
I missed you. [ Sure, it's not like he was lonely. Takano was there before Mamoru ended up joining Sakura, but it always felt like there were some things he couldn't tell him. And Kaito was there too, of course, but since he was still stuck with his delusion of Haruto, it always felt like there was some sort of weird distance between them too - Kiraki not being there anymore, especially after Haruto died, somehow felt like a huge void. ]
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I... [she began, turning her head to the side to rest her cheek against his shoulder. She let out another quavering sigh, ]
I can't imagine how you must have felt. I'm so sorry that I put you through all that.
[Her voice quivered ever so slightly.]
After entering the Convent, I was able to keep tabs on you for a while. Now that I think of it, it was kinda strange. At one point, Mochizuki pulled me aside, told me you had died. She must have known, that if I had kept looking, I would have found that all traces of you had been erased. Then...I would have known.
She had no idea what the commander's motives could have been. It was most likely to caution against the fourth convent rule.
{Botan cannot become friends or lovers.}
[That thought came into her find like the flavor of a bitter pill. She felt herself resist, not wanint to swallow and accept it.
Mamoru was too kind for his own good. Too selfless. He would distance himself from her, she knew it. He would not want her to be punished on his account. This thought made her unconsciously frown. Now that she had him, there was no way she was going to let him go again.]
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The more he's standing here with her, the more the burden of everything that happens feels a little easier to bear. Like he can maybe really get past it, like maybe he can start forgiving himself just a little bit, knowing that she's alive. Because this warmth in his arms is definitely a sign that she's as alive as ever, and as Kiraki-like as ever, too.
His grip on her loosens just a little bit, just enough to guide her over to the bed and let her sit down. ]
There, rest for a moment..
[ In return he doesn't leave her side, instead squatting down right next to the bed so he can still stare her in the face as she's sitting there - he has to look up a little bit like this, but it's no problem. ]
Tsushima. From now on, since we're going to see each other again.. [ Or, well, for however long this cooperation between the two organisations lasts, considering he's never even heard of some sister organisation before all this, but he's sure not thinking about that yet. ] .. let's stop saying sorry, alright..? Even if it might be hard, let's stop feeling guilty.
[ Mamoru knows it's going to be hard. Hell, he doesn't know if he can ever forgive himself for what he almost caused to happen to her, but he wants to try for her sake if she doesn't hate him. He just doesn't want to see her being sad ever again.
It's why a smile slowly works its way on his face, even if it's still a little subdued - but as usually with Mamoru, it's very genuine. ]
Let's just be glad that we got to meet again.
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She had known Mamoru for years. She had seen countless times how his honest and genuine nature always shone through.
[She blinks furiously as she looks down at him. Smiling back at him. Her eyes, while tinged with red, were soft and gentle. Full of the affection she felt for him.
She didn't want him to suffer. He didn't want her to suffer. Either of them taking the blame would not solve anything.
Okay. As long as you're also offering your end of the bargain. We're both alive. There's nothing really to stay hung up about.
She balled her hands into fists on her knees. Willing them to stay put. If she had any less self-control she would have already taken him into her arms again.
She looked away from him. Unable to take the swell of emotions that rose within her when he looked at her. He was honest and straight-forward, he wanted to show her respect and to address her properly, but....
She pushed a strand of hair behind her ear, a small frown unintentionally forming on her lips as she fell deep in thought. Perhaps she had hoped that her feelings for him had just gone away. When she thought he had died, she sealed them away as they were hopeless. But now that he was here, in front of her, there was no way she could ignore how she felt. How she always felt.
But as always, he smiled at her, unknowing, but yet all-knowing. He was the one who knew her the best, and yet somehow her heart was never able to reach him.
The flickering hope was a new kind of pain. The lingering possibility that dangled just beyond impossible odds.
Her face finally betraying her fully, she closed her eyes, taking a breath to try and stifle her emotions. She took a tentative look at Mamoru, hoping that he didn't notice, but also hoping that he did.
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Of course. I wouldn't want to break a promise to you. [ Or a deal, whatever. It's the same thing - it's not like Mamoru would want to break a promise with anyone at all, but he's at least well aware that Kiraki would kick his ass (whether literally or metaphorically) if he tried pulling something like that on her. And it's why, despite knowing that it'll be hard to just forget about it and forgive himself, he is going to make a genuine effort to try and do so. If she wants him to, then it's the least he can do.
But it's suddenly not the main point here anymore. Since Mamoru can notice something changing about her. Suddenly she's frowning a little bit, she's pushing her hair behind her ear, and it's like despite them just finishing talking about a heavy topic, the heavier part is yet to come. Except Mamoru has no idea what exactly that heavier part will be, he doesn't know what she's thinking about to suddenly make that expression. There's nothing to stay hung up about, she says, and yet..
He frowns a little bit too, although it's more out of worry than anything else - the emotion easily making its way to his eyes, as it always does. ]
.. Tsushima. What's wrong?
[ He's at least perceptive enough of other people's feelings to pick up that something is wrong, although he's so romantically clueless that he has no idea it's got anything to do with that at all. ]
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[she shook her head.] god I can't lie to you...but I just don't know how make you understand either...especially now...
[she was being vague. She had to be. Her feelings were so raw. It was too embarrassing to say out loud. But she felt the words tearing at from the inside of her chest.
And now, she saw concern cross his face. He was worried, he wanted to help her.
But it was still almost certain that he didn't feel the same way.
If he did, wouldn't he have said something by now? Something, anything.]
There aren't any superiors around. Even then, I can't imagine you ever call Kaito "Yuuri." no matter who's around.
She tried to laugh. It was supposed to be a joke, but she was jealous. She couldn't remember rearing him say her first name ever since she started working for section 4. At work it was fine, she was his direct subordinate. But the habit stuck and that pissed her off to no end. it also made her feel a little bit lonely.
Given the bitter note they had parted on almost six months ago, perhaps it was silly of her to be upset with him. Perhaps it was rude to call himself so familiarly. She didn't know, and she still didn't know how to ask him and clear the air.
Her lips remained pressed together, as she tried to think of what to say. How to say, whether or not is was right to say. Everything, crowded and muddled in her mind.]
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Does it even change anything about them, whether he calls her Tsushima or Kiraki..? ]
Kaito's different. I've known him since forever. [ Although the fact that Kaito got delusional and became a hikikomori after the whole deal with Haruto certainly cemented the fact that Mamoru could only call him by his first name even further. It was almost a little like he was looking after him, it'd just be weird to switch to calling him Yuuri at any given time then. He doesn't mention that part out loud though, since it's even an awkward topic now Kaito has gotten a lot better about things. ]
I mean..
[ He stops for a moment, letting out a small almost sigh-like noise. Not since he's bothered by what she's saying, but more just that he's bothered at himself. He wants to make her feel better, but he doesn't know how, and he doesn't know what to say - it's the opposite of last time, when what got him annoyed was the fact that she didn't know what to say, or rather didn't want to say anything. ]
.. why does it bother you when I call you like that, Tsushima? [ He doesn't even realise he's doing it again - Mamoru's just a little oblivious like that at times. But his concern is very much genuine, at least. ]
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She herself had never been very good with words. Always hiding her true feelings behind brash jokes and quips. Too afraid to lay her heart bare.
Even while her emotions were getting the better of her, her years of martial arts training did not abandon her. She slipped off the bed, her knees to the floor, then launched herself forward, barreling straight into his chest, channeling the one time she played rugby in middle school.
She propped her self up above him, hands on each side of his head.
Mamoru. You call me like I'm a stranger, even though i've known you since we were kids. Don't you have idea why that might hurt me?
[Tears began to leak out, as it began to sink in how inexcusable she was acting. There was no way he would be alright like this, he'd hate her for sure; The anxiety racking her brain, was however not enough to stop the words that she wanted to stay.]
It makes me feel like you're keeping me at a distance, and that...really...
[She grimaced. Not waiting for another idiotic response, the words fell out as quickly and sloppily as her tears.
It's because I like you Mamoru. I've been in love with you for as long as I've known you.
[She couldn't meet his eyes anymore. She cursed her rashness, her selfishness, and every time she had ever hurt him. Perhaps, somday, he coul forgive her.]
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Mamoru has no idea what's going on the moment she slips off the bed and then suddenly tackles him, forcing him down on his back on the ground with her hovering over him. Sure, he's had training too (doubly so with first Section 4 and then the Church), but Mamoru isn't the type who has his guard up when he's with people he cares about. He cares way too much about his interpersonal relationships to think about that sort of thing. So she can indeed easily tackle him like that, making them end up in their current situation.
But then she starts crying, and he can feel his heart breaking a little at the sight, desperate to stop those tears from spilling further.
But when he tries to speak up, she keeps going on. Her words keep coming, and then she says those words - that she likes him. And not just now, but that she's loved him all along. Even before the mess, even when they worked together, and even before that..
It's nothing he expected, and for a moment he looks like a deer trapped in the headlights of a speeding truck. Kiraki.. likes him? Loves him? But wouldn't he have noticed if it had been for that long already? If that was the case, wouldn't she have told him why she had killed her father so he could have helped her maybe get some form of acquittal?
.. no, it's no time to think about that. He has to deal with this first. He has to deal with her crying, he has to find some way to stop it, since he knows he never wants to see her sad.
He's never thought much about love - more just since he's so damn friendly he's not the type to think beyond that - but he knows he doesn't want to see her cry. He doesn't want to see her suffer. He's always thought she seemed so strong (especially compared to the wimpy bunch of kids they were), that she seemed so bright, like a spark of energy that makes everything around her bathe in light. He knows that there's been so many days that he wished to go back to a time where everything was more simple, where they could all still laugh together - and Kiraki was always included in that, especially since bringing her away to die has always been one of the things that weighed the heaviest on him. ]
I'm...
[ It takes him a moment to get over his shock enough to start talking again, and even then he stops after the first word, shaking his head a little as he tugs the fabric of his coat's sleeve over his hand, reaching up with it to gently wipe at the tears that stream down her face. ]
.. I'm sorry. Again. I guess I really am terrible at telling what you're thinking of sometimes.. [ Now, and before too, with the whole incident with her father - if he had just known, if he had just figured out somehow before it all happened, she might have never had to be this hurt. ]
But-- I never wanted to hurt you. Really. You've always been important to me.
[ That much is true. Even if he never thought in any romantic kind of way since he's oblivious as hell, Kiraki has always, always been an important part of his life. It felt so empty with everyone disappearing one by one - first Haruto's death, then Kiraki's "death".. ]
So don't cry. Instead of wanting to keep you at a distance, I... thinking about it, I've liked you too. [ He smiles up at her. It's true - it's probably what this feeling was all along, but Mamoru is just so terrible at recognizing it's that specifically until he's hit over the head with it. ] .. Kiraki.
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She leans her face against his hand, and lets a few more sobs out before letting head droop down to rest against his shoulder.
Kiraki had more or less grown up alone. Her mom keeping her alive and away from her father's dirty dealings. As much as her mom loved her, she was away so often that her absence became normal.
Kiraki was supposed to be strong. Stronger than this. She wasn't supposed to be unraveled by worry over whether or not some boy liked her.
But Mamoru wasn't just "some boy”. He was the one who was always there for her. The one who made sure she wasn’t alone. Who helped her and comforted her, no matter how much he was suffering.]
You better not be just saying that, or I’ll kick your ass.
[She whispered without conviction. She tried to resist the joy and relief bubbling in her chest. She didn't dare hope, when things were so bleak.
She moved her head to look at him again, her face now mere centimeters from his.]
Hey, I thought you said we weren’t going to apologize anymore.
[She looks straight down at him, her own breath being caught in her throat as the reality of their current situation started to sink in. At first she had only cared about getting her feelings through to him, but now it seemed that things were approaching a much different borderline. All at once she was thoroughly away of every point where their bodies touched. She didn’t know where this was headed. But she wasn’t afraid to find out.
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But a moment later a smile works its way on his face even if the blush doesn't fully leave, and a small laugh escapes him. ]
.. ah. You're right.
[ It's all so very much like her. Even though she was crying only a moment ago, she's still acting so very much like herself - threatening to kick his ass, keeping him to every word he says. (It's something he needs, even if he doesn't consciously realise it. Someone who keeps him rooted in the earth.) ]
Then, instead..
[ .. he hesitates for another brief moment, but then his hands work their way up to cup her face instead - and from there on it's hardly any effort to cover the last slight distance between their faces, gently pushing his lips against her own. It's his first time doing this because of how oblivious he is - something that might be pretty lame, and he sure is hoping that he isn't doing something wrong and she's judging him big time for it. But more than that, he just wants to show it to her that he means this, that his words aren't just hollow.
He's had Kaito here with him, and even Ariga and Mamiya weren't bad people. But he doesn't know what it's been like for Kiraki. Had she been feeling lonely? In pain, after everything that happened? Did she even have anyone to rely on - was she getting along with her partner?
Mamoru doesn't know the answer to all of those questions, but at least this way he can show that he is here for her.
(It'll take a little longer to realise just how many problems he's taking upon himself here, considering the rules of Sakura, but he's not thinking about it just yet. His mind is only filled by her at the moment.) ]
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She did her best to restrain herself at first. Not wanting to scare him off. Because, as far as she knew, this was his first kiss.
And as far as he knew, this was hers. So in that light, it was entirely possible that he also had some romantic history that he was hiding. It still didn't seem that likely to her.
Despite the guilt and conflicted emotions that lingered after her own first kiss, she used that experience to do better this time. She kissed him back gently, pressing her chest flush against his.
She had been lonely. There was no hiding that. Her Messiah Umie was reliable and a very good friend. But her own circumstances left Kiraki in the position of protector and caretaker. While Umie had expressed to her many times how she wanted to help Kiraki in exchange, Kiraki couldn’t bring herself to unload her own problems on such a deeply troubled and arguably much more lonely person than herself.
She knew Mamoru well, and so was almost certain that this was how things were with Kaito at this time. She wondered if his mental state had improved. He was still deep in hallucinations and isolation when she was forced to leave them. The only traces of him she had found were his attempts to crack the Section 5 mainframe networks.]
Mamoru...
[she whispered against his lips. There was so much more she wanted to say to him, but there would be plenty of time for talking later. She kissed him again, and moved her shoulders to be level with his. Her hips drag against his and she felt more and more heat ignite between them. This was completely new and different. This was foreign and unknown, but she didn't mind. Because it was Mamoru, and they were in this strange and desperate place together.]
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The way she whispers his name and kisses him again certainly doesn't help it either, even if he kisses her in return as well, their lips moving against each other. He likes it, but it's all going so fast and he's starting to feel more than just a little bit light-headed, the cold floor still pressing hard against his back. The chill seeps right through his uniform, and the moment her lips leave his own again for a moment, he uses the opportunity to softly start to mumble. ]
Kiraki-- Nn, just a second..
[ Just a second to get all his thoughts in row again, to slow this down a little bit before it escalates even further right here on the floor of his room. He doesn't even want to think of Kaito accidentally walking in on it (or any of the others, really, but with that particular case there's about 15 different awkward layers mixed in, some he doesn't even know about).
His hands move to her shoulders for a moment, and then slide down the sides of her arms, indicating that it's not some sort of full on rejection - Mamoru's just delicate, okay, he doesn't know how to deal with this so quickly, and it shows in just how red his cheeks are. ]
Let's get up and talk first, okay..? I mean-- there's a lot.
[ About that time when he found her next to her father's corpse, for one. About all the events after between the two of them. About everything that happened after that, that caused him to end up here - it hasn't even been that long, but it feels like ages, just with how much his life had been turned upside down. ]
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Okay, you are not wrong after all.
[She begins to prop herself up on her knees, still breathing heavily as she tried to calm the rampant thought in her mind.
He was not wrong. He so very rarely was. It was unfair of her to even suggest something like this, given their situation. But, the thrill and relief, that he did really like her back, (want her, too) it made her heart race even faster.
She rolls off of him, and tries to clamber back on to his bed to sit. But instead she just kinda curls up at the foot of his bed, still wrestling with her thoughts.]
I am sure that...you still have some questions, and...some reasons to distrust me, given the last time we saw each other.
[She grips at the sides of her face as more thoughts race in to her head. She was so desperate to kiss him, almost in order to try and wipe out the memories of her first kiss. But now they simply blurred together in chaos.
She loved Mamoru so much, at yet he wasn't her first. She wanted to protect mamoru so much, and yet she had hurt him. She brings her fingers to her lips, wondering after the heat that lingered there. But...he had kissed her first. {he kissed me first.} She latched on to that thought to keep her anxiety away. The flush on her cheeks didn't fade, and her heart rate didn't seem like it would slow down either.]
As away.
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And Mamoru won't have that. Especially since he can get people despite his obliviousness, and it's why he knows that she seems somewhat hurt. Maybe she misinterpreted his need to talk a little more first - especially with the way she's talking about distrusting her, as if he'd ever do that to begin with, so all he has to do is reassure her.
He slowly gets up from the floor and moves over to the bed instead, sitting down right next to her - so close that their sides are pressed against each other, maintaining the contact between them. ]
I don't distrust you. [ Let's get that out of the way first, he figures, and he still smiles a little as he glances to the side, towards her. ] Even though we found you like that, it's not like I distrusted you. Even though I still don't know why it happened, you're not a bad person.
[ Of course she's not. She's always been energetic and cheerful to a point where it's almost like you're being bulldozered by her. But Mamoru likes it, and it's why he's never thought badly of her. ]
I just kept asking you why you did it since.. I wanted to help you. You've always been important to me, so I didn't want it all to have to end up like that when there could've been a way for me to help you if I just knew what happened. [ But even then - the entire time she had stubbornly refused to even talk about it in the slightest. ]
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No matter what she did. No matter how badly she messed up. Mamoru never once got cross or upset with her.
The only exception being in the interrogation room after he and Takano had arrested her. She had never seen him so upset and frustrated.
But now, his voice was calming and reassuring. She didn't even need to look at him for his gentleness to caress her heart.
She needed to put him at ease. Assure him that none of it was his fault. Even if, when he learned the whole truth, he might think that even more. ]
Mamoru, there was nothing that you could have done. My father had connections to the Alliance. They were going to make sure that I didn't get away with it. Especially since I undoubtedly held information that could be vital to them.
[she pressed her chin between her knees]
Mochizuki took an interest in my case. She faked my death and arranged for my "execution" in order to get the Alliance off my tail.
[Mamoru knew all about she and her mother had been in hiding most of her life. She had discovered later on that Kiraki Tsushima wasn't even her real name. That kind of information can set off an existential crisis in anyone.
She kept her lips pressed shut. Not ready to spill everything yet. She was so afraid of how he would react.
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And of course he wouldn't have known what happened to her then. Of course he just thought she was dead, because that's what happened to people who were spirited off to this place. To the outside world, they were gone. Dead. As if they never existed, sometimes.
(Briefly he thinks of Takano, still somewhere out there, who didn't have to endure it just once, but twice. It had already been bad enough after Kiraki was "executed", but now he disappeared on him too -- he tries to swallow down the thought, since he has to focus on her right now, but it still makes his stomach turn with guilt.) ]
Even so...
[ He swallows, shaking his head briefly. ]
I didn't know. [ Of course. ] And..
[ This is the part he's not so sure about - and he only realises that fact when he opens his mouth, so he stays like that for a second before he speaks on. ]
You.. didn't know either. [ That's what he thinks. There's no way Kiraki could have known, right? Back when she killed her father, back in that interrogation room, back when they brought her personally to the place she would die. All that time, she couldn't already have known, right? Even though that was one of the worst and most emotional times of his life-- ] .. Right? Or was that why you didn't want to tell me anything back then?
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[she bit her lip,]
I didn't know, not at that time. I didn't know that I wasn't being executed. I thought I was going to die as much as you did. Mochizuki had met with me before, but she made sure to tell me exactly how hopeless my situation was. It wasn't until after they took me in. I...they even took me to the room, strapped me down, and gave me an injection. But, it didn't kill me. When I woke up...I was in the Convent.
[There was still more she needed to tell him. It burned at her tongue, like acid down her trait when she tried to swallow.]
I'm sorry that I didn't tell you anything. I didn't tell you why I did it. Even if you couldn't do anything...you deserved to know the truth.
[It was painful, she didn't want to think about it. She didn't want to think about everything that had driven her to that point.]
They...they tried to plead my case as self-defense, but that wouldn't have worked because that wasn't the case.
[she balled her fists in front of her, her whole body starting to tremble a little.]
I...I attacked him first.
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But he knows that they promised that they wouldn't feel guilty anymore, that they'd try to get better. So instead of lingering on the thought, his hand moves forward until he can rest it on top of one of her fists, softly moving his thumb across the skin - hoping it's at least a slight bit comforting for her in the middle of this difficult story. He couldn't be there for her back then, not all the way, but he's definitely here now. And Mamoru just knows he doesn't want to let go of her like that again.
But what she says then.. it's not enough for him to draw back his hand, but he definitely looks confused. ]
You first..?
[ Even if he hadn't been told the reason, he did think it had to be self-defense. Every single sign pointed towards it not being like that, but what other reason would Kiraki have to do such a thing? Sure, the way she lived in hiding with her mother couldn't have been easy, but.. even so, Kiraki wasn't the person who would kill someone only over that, right? Not when he's always known her as a kind person.
But it sounds like this time she's actually willing to talk - so he doesn't press further than that, doesn't assume anything. He's just listening, waiting for her to speak on. The words are more of a verbal nudge than anything else. ]
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