[Saitou, even if he's too thick to notice - or at least to understand - the difference in her tone and the blush on her face, is nonetheless also so used to thinking so little of his own needs that even without reading an amorous intent into any of this, he's still quite flustered at the prospect.
And a little confused, because wait, since when has his happiness mattered?]
[ "Why?" is such an odd question for Chizuru. Especially when it comes to a matter like this. Sure, there might be a little more than just her usual reasons in her desire to see Saitou happy, but even if there wasn't, she'd still want him to be happy all the same. She wants the same for all of them, for everyone - but especially the men she might not exactly have started out on the right foot with, but who eventually have come to accept her and help her this much.
But at least in this case, she has a little more of a reason. Actually saying it is where the difficult part lies, though, so she starts out with the obvious part. ]
Because.. you've always helped out take care of me. And I know you're actually a really kind person [ even if it might not always be apparent at first, but once you get to know him-- ] so you deserve it.
[ But those are all the things that are natural to her. There's more to it, much more, but when she starts on that, her tone is softer and she's staring at her feet. She doesn't want to go out of line, she really doesn't, but.. ]
.. And.. when Saitou-san holds me like this, my heart starts pounding really loudly, too.. So.. that kind of feeling tells me I really want to see you happy. [ ... ] Is it really that weird?
[No, part of him wants to say, that isn't weird at all.
Or at least, if she's strange for thinking such a thing, then that must make two of them, because he's certainly having odd and difficult feelings about holding her this way, and he wants to do right by her, and -]
I thought that was my heart that I felt.
[...wow, that's not what he should've said at all, is it.
Way to admit what a flustered loser you are, Saitou.]
[ It's probably a good thing that Chizuru is one of the last people to ever fault anyone for being a loser of any kind, let alone a flustered loser.
But Chizuru, at least, isn't stupid nor oblivious enough to not know what that means. It means he's feeling the same way she is right now, and he's feeling it for her.. It's a little bit of a strange idea, the man who first just seemed distant and maybe a little frigid but then far kinder than she ever could have imagined, that person feeling this way about her. And if he can feel this too, if his heart is pounding this way too, then surely he must also be okay with--
Her heart pounds more and more rapidly. Not just from the feeling, but from the nerves that the idea brings to her as well. Maybe she's wrong, maybe she's making a really, really stupid decision.. ]
.. Um.. in that case.. Saitou-san, would you mind closing your eyes just for a moment..? [ She doesn't think she can actually manage to do this while he's actually looking, anyway. It's already difficult enough without that. ]
[ For a moment or two she just stares, still hesitating a little bit. Technically there's no way back now, it'd seem weird if she asked him to close his eyes for nothing, and she does really badly want to, even if she's still a little nervous about what his reaction might be, and..
.. well, standing there and just staring isn't going to do anything. Maybe for once she should just go for it.
Chizuru leans up a little, standing on her toes slightly so she can reach up - he can probably feel the way she shifts against him thanks to his hold, even if it's just slightly. She decides the lips are a little bit too much dangerous territory for now, but then-- her hand reaches out to cup the cheek opposite to the one she's going for. His skin is a little softer than expected, different than the hands she could feel holding her, rougher from years and years of training. Wet and a little cold too thanks to the rain, but Chizuru doesn't mind. And she doesn't let it distract her. Instead she moves her face a little closer as well to place her lips against his cheek, softly and gently. His lips are a little bit too much of dangerous territory for now, but she can gather up enough courage for this much, at least.
When she pulls her face away again after a moment (her hand lingers a moment longer before she pulls it back, almost as if she doesn't want it to leave his face) her chest feels oddly tight with the nervousness over how he'll react, and she stares at him expectantly. ]
[It takes a moment for Saitou's brain to catch up, to take the sensations and assign them probable causes and turn that into a viable mental picture of what just happened.
But once that moment has passed, and he's reached the conclusion that yes, that was her hand and yes, those must have been her lips and yes, that means she just kissed (!!) him -
His eyes snap open and he turns his head to stare back. Dumbfounded, blushing -
But from the arm that tightens around her waist, he doesn't seem displeased by their proximity at all.]
[ Her heart is pounding so loudly in her ears from anticipation (and nervousness) at whatever his reaction to all of that might be that she responses instinctively when she hears him say her name. ]
Y-.. yes! [ Only Chizuru would kiss someone and then still respond as if she's expected to be given some sort of order any minute now. Even despite the fact they're still standing there that close and his arm still sure is around her. ]
As if he could give orders about this - as if his heart weren't pounding just as hard and as if he weren't just as nervous, because he thinks she's giving him a clear signal here but he still feels so - so improper trying to do a thing like this, even if he's already looked back and forth to see that nobody's still in the street anyway (they all had the sense to get inside by now, clearly) and so it's not as though he's making a horrible public display of this but still -]
May I...reciprocate?
[You can't just kiss girls in the street like it's nothing. You have to ask permission, clearly.]
[ Maybe she should have seen that coming. She probably should have seen that coming. But with Chizuru there's always a fretting voice in the back of her mind that whispers what if she did something wrong or made the wrong decision that stops her from assuming the obvious in this case.
Still, her heart fills with relief and a strange but warm kind of happiness at hearing those words. Warm enough to make it feel like the cold she was feeling from the rain is slowly being driven away. He wouldn't even have to ask for permission, honestly, because.. ]
[ Hey, this much is only fair. She asked him to close his eyes as well for the very same reason, so she figures the least she can do in return is the same thing.
Chizuru quickly nods, her stomach still fluttering, and closes her eyes.
(The beating of her heart feels even louder now she's closed off one of her other senses.) ]
[He's committed now. Oh god, he is so going to screw this up.
He takes a deep breath, and leans in close -
- but not, as she had, to go for a kiss on the cheek. He shouldn't be this presumptuous, he's sure, but she seems so - so open to it, and there's nobody in the street and who knows if there'll ever be a moment like this again -
And then his lips are brushing hers and he's completely out of coherent thoughts to think.]
[ It's a surprise. Sure, she saw the kiss coming, but she didn't see the part coming where he'd actually go for her lips rather than her cheek the way she did with him. Almost instinctively her eyes fly open, but she tries to keep them shut the best she can since the last thing she wants right now is to make him uncomfortable or to seem like she isn't enjoying it.
Because that's definitely not it. Even if it's a surprise, the way she can feel his own lips against hers, it's nice. It's what she wanted but was too afraid to go for, but she's glad he did it all the same, because it's worth it. Here in his arms, kissing him, it's like there's no rain, not even any other people or a town as long as she keeps her eyes closed.
Chizuru sighs a little against his lips, but it's more from the relief she feels at finally letting go of the tension. Instead she allows herself to sink into the kiss itself. ]
[Okay, so she hasn't screamed, pushed him away, or tried to leap out of his arms.
That's better than some of the scenarios that have flashed through his mind.
On the contrary - it feels like she's - she's relaxing, she's letting herself fall into it, and he realizes with a start that he has no idea what happens next. Saitou's used to either thinking about the consequences, or at least being in a situation where he trusts his gut instinct to guide him even when the next move isn't logically apparent, but the idea of trusting his instincts about this - about girls, is terrifying, because a woman is nothing like a sword.
His arms tighten around her; whether it's protective and possessive or simply a nervous attempt to stop his hands from shaking is anyone's guess. (It may quite possibly be both.)]
[ In theory all of this is easier for Chizuru. In practice too, a little bit, because she vaguely has more of an idea about what all of this is about - but what hinders her is the fact that even now she doesn't ever want to intrude too much or go too far or cause anything that might make Saitou more awkward.
Not that the grip on her isn't nice, it's not too tight, and it's especially warm now out here and his lips on her feel so nice. It feels so right to do this sort of thing with him, even though she's sure that it probably shouldn't, considering he's a captain of the Shinsengumi and she's just staying with them since they probably still can't let her go with what she knows and with how she wants to help them find her father. She doesn't want to get Saitou into trouble, or cause him to feel conflicted, or anything along those lines, but..
.. even so, it'd be unfair towards him to not say the words that fill up her heart. So when their lips seperate for a moment, Chizuru wants to at least tell him rather than just imply through the movement of her lips. ]
I.. like you, Saitou-san. [ It's really soft, a mere whisper. Even if his men have already sought shelter in the shops around and there's no one on the streets, she still wants to make sure absolutely no one but him hears it just in case. ] Or, if you don't mind me saying so.. maybe it would be more appropriate to say "love"..
[And the fact that he doesn't probably says that he's really in an odd mood, because his sense of propriety ought to have something to say about all this, but with the way his heart is pounding, who would be able to hear it?
He tilts his back, but only just far enough to take a long look into her eyes, and no further. The closest he can get still doesn't feel close enough, in a moment like this, but he needs to know, and her eyes say everything.
She...really means it.]
I feel the same...and I believe I may have for...some time now.
[ The noise she makes is almost choked. Mostly since a sound of surprise was about to slip out, but then she realised that someone might hear it - even if there isn't even someone remotely close to them, she's just careful, okay - or that it might offend him or any other reason, so she tries to swallow it back down with only a half-success.
But she can't help it, Chizuru just feels really surprised to hear it. Maybe not that he feels the same, since he did kiss her just now, but that he has felt so for a while now.. and she never even guessed.
At least he's definitely not the only one blushing here. ]
.. For some time..?
[ She's not even sure what to say to that. Should she apologize for not noticing it until he was holding her so close? It's not that she hasn't thought he was handsome (much like most of the men of the Shinsengumi, really), but Saitou was always so serious and focused that she thought things like these didn't even occur to him. ]
I.. I didn't realise Saitou-san's feelings before.. [ A little embarrassed by that fact, yes. It's probably because of that and because she feels so light from the happiness at all these words that the next part just slips out-- ] I-I mean, I really did think you were really good-looking, and thoughtful and kind and--
[ .. yeah, it's only then that she realises what she's saying out loud, and she opens and closes her mouth for a few moments like a goldfish gasping for air outside of its bowl. ]
[These things have a hard time occurring to him, really. Or at least, he has a difficult time noticing them and recognizing them for what they are. Which is why -]
I did not recognize it for what it was, myself. I...am not good at understanding these things...
[Vicious understatement.
But he trails off, as his brain seemingly catches up with what she's saying about him, and he turns a much brighter red.]
[ Understatement of the century, maybe we should get the Shinsengumi's neighbours to bring over some sake already.
But even though she's still a little embarrassed from her words just now, she can't help but want to defend them all the same - because the last thing she wants to see is someone like Saitou put himself down when she's seen him as nothing but an incredibly strong yet kind person, as much as it might be hard to spot under his quiet if you don't know him very well. ]
N-- no, it's true! Um, I mean, at least I think so, but.. I'm sure everyone else would agree with me too. [ The captains of the Shinsengumi have been friends for years, after all, she's sure that all of them probably understand Saitou even better than she does. ]
.. Well, I don't know for sure if they would mention the good-looking part, but.. [ Das gay, after all. But, yeah, definitely blushing here too. ] I.. have thought it to be true..
[Well, yeah, he can't imagine that any of his fellow captains have thought about what a dreamboat he is, that's for certain. But really, he has a hard time picturing them ever saying the rest of it, as well.
And yet he doesn't want to protest too much, if only because her courage in saying these things demands respect. As clumsy with feelings as Saitou is, he has an idea of how difficult it can be to say these things - to admit them to oneself is difficult enough. (Or at least, he feels it is.)
If he can't protest, but he's also not quite sure how to simply take the compliments -]
...Yukimura. May I?
[If there's any confusion about what he means, that will hopefully clear itself up when his fingertips brush her cheek and he leans just a hair closer.]
[ There's no doubt about it with that "again" that follows after it. At least not in Chizuru's mind. And she realises it's probably a lot easier to kiss than let other things accidentally slip out of her mouth and embarrass the two of them even more - besides, she knows that this sort of thing isn't exactly easy for him, and she does want to gently assist him with every single attempt he makes in something that's so new for him (and for her too, really).
So when he says it, she lightly nods, as if she doesn't want to accidentally make those fingertips slip off her cheek, she wants that touch to linger. ]
Of course.. [ At least the fact that she wants it too is obvious in her tone, her desire for him shining through. ] .. Do you want me to close my eyes again..?
[ Before he even leans in all the way, that is. She doesn't want to make things more difficult on him and it seemed to help last time, so.. ]
[It does make it a bit easier, but that she asks - maybe that means she wants to keep them open?
And as slow as he's been to realize it, he wants her to be happy. Anything that would make her happy - if there's something as simple as this, shouldn't that be well within his power to grant her?
He should probably stop overthinking this and just do it.
So he leans in again, his hand not moving away from her face, and brushes his lips against hers a second time.]
[ An open answer like that only makes it more difficult. Because then she has to decide what exactly it is she wants, and weigh it against her desire to do what he might want the most, and then even figure out what he would prefer this time--
But in the end, all of that is much too complicated to do in the few moments he's moving in again. And so she does keep her eyes open at first, because she wants to see him get closer like that, she wants to take in every detail of his face as it's so close to hers - she wants to see what kind of expression a person like Saitou would make as he kisses her. And it sure doesn't disappoint. He's so gentle, but he has a light blush (much like she does, really) and the look on his face is so-- so earnest, much like how he always tackles everything.
By the time his lips are firmly pressed against her own, she finally does close her eyes, her hand moving to rest on his shoulder. And this time she doesn't let herself be kissed as much as she actively participates in it too, pushing back (but not a lot, not forcefully, just enough to let him know that she likes this too, that she wants it) against his lips with her own. ]
Because it's one thing for him to know that she's okay with letting him do this, and to work up the nerve to do it - but to have her so actively reciprocate is something he's still wholly unprepared for, because there's some part of him that's still having trouble believing that this is happening in the first place, that she could possibly be willing to go along with it, let alone become part of it -
He could probably use a moment to stop and take a deep breath, but when his lips part a bit further reflexively and he tries to suck in a breath, all he can taste is her, and that doesn't help as much as it helps; he's definitely not getting the air he probably needs, but his mind is definitely on anything but breathing, anyway.]
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And a little confused, because wait, since when has his happiness mattered?]
Do...you truly? But why?
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But at least in this case, she has a little more of a reason. Actually saying it is where the difficult part lies, though, so she starts out with the obvious part. ]
Because.. you've always helped out take care of me. And I know you're actually a really kind person [ even if it might not always be apparent at first, but once you get to know him-- ] so you deserve it.
[ But those are all the things that are natural to her. There's more to it, much more, but when she starts on that, her tone is softer and she's staring at her feet. She doesn't want to go out of line, she really doesn't, but.. ]
.. And.. when Saitou-san holds me like this, my heart starts pounding really loudly, too.. So.. that kind of feeling tells me I really want to see you happy. [ ... ] Is it really that weird?
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Or at least, if she's strange for thinking such a thing, then that must make two of them, because he's certainly having odd and difficult feelings about holding her this way, and he wants to do right by her, and -]
I thought that was my heart that I felt.
[...wow, that's not what he should've said at all, is it.
Way to admit what a flustered loser you are, Saitou.]
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But Chizuru, at least, isn't stupid nor oblivious enough to not know what that means. It means he's feeling the same way she is right now, and he's feeling it for her.. It's a little bit of a strange idea, the man who first just seemed distant and maybe a little frigid but then far kinder than she ever could have imagined, that person feeling this way about her. And if he can feel this too, if his heart is pounding this way too, then surely he must also be okay with--
Her heart pounds more and more rapidly. Not just from the feeling, but from the nerves that the idea brings to her as well. Maybe she's wrong, maybe she's making a really, really stupid decision.. ]
.. Um.. in that case.. Saitou-san, would you mind closing your eyes just for a moment..? [ She doesn't think she can actually manage to do this while he's actually looking, anyway. It's already difficult enough without that. ]
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So confused and yet there's something in him that's terribly excited by it and he can't explain why.]
Of course.
[And he obediently closes his eyes.]
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.. well, standing there and just staring isn't going to do anything. Maybe for once she should just go for it.
Chizuru leans up a little, standing on her toes slightly so she can reach up - he can probably feel the way she shifts against him thanks to his hold, even if it's just slightly. She decides the lips are a little bit too much dangerous territory for now, but then-- her hand reaches out to cup the cheek opposite to the one she's going for. His skin is a little softer than expected, different than the hands she could feel holding her, rougher from years and years of training. Wet and a little cold too thanks to the rain, but Chizuru doesn't mind. And she doesn't let it distract her. Instead she moves her face a little closer as well to place her lips against his cheek, softly and gently. His lips are a little bit too much of dangerous territory for now, but she can gather up enough courage for this much, at least.
When she pulls her face away again after a moment (her hand lingers a moment longer before she pulls it back, almost as if she doesn't want it to leave his face) her chest feels oddly tight with the nervousness over how he'll react, and she stares at him expectantly. ]
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But once that moment has passed, and he's reached the conclusion that yes, that was her hand and yes, those must have been her lips and yes, that means she just kissed (!!) him -
His eyes snap open and he turns his head to stare back. Dumbfounded, blushing -
But from the arm that tightens around her waist, he doesn't seem displeased by their proximity at all.]
...Yukimura.
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Y-.. yes! [ Only Chizuru would kiss someone and then still respond as if she's expected to be given some sort of order any minute now. Even despite the fact they're still standing there that close and his arm still sure is around her. ]
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As if he could give orders about this - as if his heart weren't pounding just as hard and as if he weren't just as nervous, because he thinks she's giving him a clear signal here but he still feels so - so improper trying to do a thing like this, even if he's already looked back and forth to see that nobody's still in the street anyway (they all had the sense to get inside by now, clearly) and so it's not as though he's making a horrible public display of this but still -]
May I...reciprocate?
[You can't just kiss girls in the street like it's nothing. You have to ask permission, clearly.]
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Still, her heart fills with relief and a strange but warm kind of happiness at hearing those words. Warm enough to make it feel like the cold she was feeling from the rain is slowly being driven away. He wouldn't even have to ask for permission, honestly, because.. ]
... Yes. That would make me very happy..
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I...would appreciate if you would close your eyes, then.
[What, like he's going to find the nerve to do this while she's looking at him?]
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Chizuru quickly nods, her stomach still fluttering, and closes her eyes.
(The beating of her heart feels even louder now she's closed off one of her other senses.) ]
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He takes a deep breath, and leans in close -
- but not, as she had, to go for a kiss on the cheek. He shouldn't be this presumptuous, he's sure, but she seems so - so open to it, and there's nobody in the street and who knows if there'll ever be a moment like this again -
And then his lips are brushing hers and he's completely out of coherent thoughts to think.]
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Because that's definitely not it. Even if it's a surprise, the way she can feel his own lips against hers, it's nice. It's what she wanted but was too afraid to go for, but she's glad he did it all the same, because it's worth it. Here in his arms, kissing him, it's like there's no rain, not even any other people or a town as long as she keeps her eyes closed.
Chizuru sighs a little against his lips, but it's more from the relief she feels at finally letting go of the tension. Instead she allows herself to sink into the kiss itself. ]
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That's better than some of the scenarios that have flashed through his mind.
On the contrary - it feels like she's - she's relaxing, she's letting herself fall into it, and he realizes with a start that he has no idea what happens next. Saitou's used to either thinking about the consequences, or at least being in a situation where he trusts his gut instinct to guide him even when the next move isn't logically apparent, but the idea of trusting his instincts about this - about girls, is terrifying, because a woman is nothing like a sword.
His arms tighten around her; whether it's protective and possessive or simply a nervous attempt to stop his hands from shaking is anyone's guess. (It may quite possibly be both.)]
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Not that the grip on her isn't nice, it's not too tight, and it's especially warm now out here and his lips on her feel so nice. It feels so right to do this sort of thing with him, even though she's sure that it probably shouldn't, considering he's a captain of the Shinsengumi and she's just staying with them since they probably still can't let her go with what she knows and with how she wants to help them find her father. She doesn't want to get Saitou into trouble, or cause him to feel conflicted, or anything along those lines, but..
.. even so, it'd be unfair towards him to not say the words that fill up her heart. So when their lips seperate for a moment, Chizuru wants to at least tell him rather than just imply through the movement of her lips. ]
I.. like you, Saitou-san. [ It's really soft, a mere whisper. Even if his men have already sought shelter in the shops around and there's no one on the streets, she still wants to make sure absolutely no one but him hears it just in case. ] Or, if you don't mind me saying so.. maybe it would be more appropriate to say "love"..
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[And the fact that he doesn't probably says that he's really in an odd mood, because his sense of propriety ought to have something to say about all this, but with the way his heart is pounding, who would be able to hear it?
He tilts his back, but only just far enough to take a long look into her eyes, and no further. The closest he can get still doesn't feel close enough, in a moment like this, but he needs to know, and her eyes say everything.
She...really means it.]
I feel the same...and I believe I may have for...some time now.
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But she can't help it, Chizuru just feels really surprised to hear it. Maybe not that he feels the same, since he did kiss her just now, but that he has felt so for a while now.. and she never even guessed.
At least he's definitely not the only one blushing here. ]
.. For some time..?
[ She's not even sure what to say to that. Should she apologize for not noticing it until he was holding her so close? It's not that she hasn't thought he was handsome (much like most of the men of the Shinsengumi, really), but Saitou was always so serious and focused that she thought things like these didn't even occur to him. ]
I.. I didn't realise Saitou-san's feelings before.. [ A little embarrassed by that fact, yes. It's probably because of that and because she feels so light from the happiness at all these words that the next part just slips out-- ] I-I mean, I really did think you were really good-looking, and thoughtful and kind and--
[ .. yeah, it's only then that she realises what she's saying out loud, and she opens and closes her mouth for a few moments like a goldfish gasping for air outside of its bowl. ]
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I did not recognize it for what it was, myself. I...am not good at understanding these things...
[Vicious understatement.
But he trails off, as his brain seemingly catches up with what she's saying about him, and he turns a much brighter red.]
You do me too much credit, Yukimura.
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But even though she's still a little embarrassed from her words just now, she can't help but want to defend them all the same - because the last thing she wants to see is someone like Saitou put himself down when she's seen him as nothing but an incredibly strong yet kind person, as much as it might be hard to spot under his quiet if you don't know him very well. ]
N-- no, it's true! Um, I mean, at least I think so, but.. I'm sure everyone else would agree with me too. [ The captains of the Shinsengumi have been friends for years, after all, she's sure that all of them probably understand Saitou even better than she does. ]
.. Well, I don't know for sure if they would mention the good-looking part, but.. [ Das gay, after all. But, yeah, definitely blushing here too. ] I.. have thought it to be true..
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[Well, yeah, he can't imagine that any of his fellow captains have thought about what a dreamboat he is, that's for certain. But really, he has a hard time picturing them ever saying the rest of it, as well.
And yet he doesn't want to protest too much, if only because her courage in saying these things demands respect. As clumsy with feelings as Saitou is, he has an idea of how difficult it can be to say these things - to admit them to oneself is difficult enough. (Or at least, he feels it is.)
If he can't protest, but he's also not quite sure how to simply take the compliments -]
...Yukimura. May I?
[If there's any confusion about what he means, that will hopefully clear itself up when his fingertips brush her cheek and he leans just a hair closer.]
...again?
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So when he says it, she lightly nods, as if she doesn't want to accidentally make those fingertips slip off her cheek, she wants that touch to linger. ]
Of course.. [ At least the fact that she wants it too is obvious in her tone, her desire for him shining through. ] .. Do you want me to close my eyes again..?
[ Before he even leans in all the way, that is. She doesn't want to make things more difficult on him and it seemed to help last time, so.. ]
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[It does make it a bit easier, but that she asks - maybe that means she wants to keep them open?
And as slow as he's been to realize it, he wants her to be happy. Anything that would make her happy - if there's something as simple as this, shouldn't that be well within his power to grant her?
He should probably stop overthinking this and just do it.
So he leans in again, his hand not moving away from her face, and brushes his lips against hers a second time.]
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But in the end, all of that is much too complicated to do in the few moments he's moving in again. And so she does keep her eyes open at first, because she wants to see him get closer like that, she wants to take in every detail of his face as it's so close to hers - she wants to see what kind of expression a person like Saitou would make as he kisses her. And it sure doesn't disappoint. He's so gentle, but he has a light blush (much like she does, really) and the look on his face is so-- so earnest, much like how he always tackles everything.
By the time his lips are firmly pressed against her own, she finally does close her eyes, her hand moving to rest on his shoulder. And this time she doesn't let herself be kissed as much as she actively participates in it too, pushing back (but not a lot, not forcefully, just enough to let him know that she likes this too, that she wants it) against his lips with her own. ]
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Because it's one thing for him to know that she's okay with letting him do this, and to work up the nerve to do it - but to have her so actively reciprocate is something he's still wholly unprepared for, because there's some part of him that's still having trouble believing that this is happening in the first place, that she could possibly be willing to go along with it, let alone become part of it -
He could probably use a moment to stop and take a deep breath, but when his lips part a bit further reflexively and he tries to suck in a breath, all he can taste is her, and that doesn't help as much as it helps; he's definitely not getting the air he probably needs, but his mind is definitely on anything but breathing, anyway.]
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