[Okay, so she hasn't screamed, pushed him away, or tried to leap out of his arms.
That's better than some of the scenarios that have flashed through his mind.
On the contrary - it feels like she's - she's relaxing, she's letting herself fall into it, and he realizes with a start that he has no idea what happens next. Saitou's used to either thinking about the consequences, or at least being in a situation where he trusts his gut instinct to guide him even when the next move isn't logically apparent, but the idea of trusting his instincts about this - about girls, is terrifying, because a woman is nothing like a sword.
His arms tighten around her; whether it's protective and possessive or simply a nervous attempt to stop his hands from shaking is anyone's guess. (It may quite possibly be both.)]
[ In theory all of this is easier for Chizuru. In practice too, a little bit, because she vaguely has more of an idea about what all of this is about - but what hinders her is the fact that even now she doesn't ever want to intrude too much or go too far or cause anything that might make Saitou more awkward.
Not that the grip on her isn't nice, it's not too tight, and it's especially warm now out here and his lips on her feel so nice. It feels so right to do this sort of thing with him, even though she's sure that it probably shouldn't, considering he's a captain of the Shinsengumi and she's just staying with them since they probably still can't let her go with what she knows and with how she wants to help them find her father. She doesn't want to get Saitou into trouble, or cause him to feel conflicted, or anything along those lines, but..
.. even so, it'd be unfair towards him to not say the words that fill up her heart. So when their lips seperate for a moment, Chizuru wants to at least tell him rather than just imply through the movement of her lips. ]
I.. like you, Saitou-san. [ It's really soft, a mere whisper. Even if his men have already sought shelter in the shops around and there's no one on the streets, she still wants to make sure absolutely no one but him hears it just in case. ] Or, if you don't mind me saying so.. maybe it would be more appropriate to say "love"..
[And the fact that he doesn't probably says that he's really in an odd mood, because his sense of propriety ought to have something to say about all this, but with the way his heart is pounding, who would be able to hear it?
He tilts his back, but only just far enough to take a long look into her eyes, and no further. The closest he can get still doesn't feel close enough, in a moment like this, but he needs to know, and her eyes say everything.
She...really means it.]
I feel the same...and I believe I may have for...some time now.
[ The noise she makes is almost choked. Mostly since a sound of surprise was about to slip out, but then she realised that someone might hear it - even if there isn't even someone remotely close to them, she's just careful, okay - or that it might offend him or any other reason, so she tries to swallow it back down with only a half-success.
But she can't help it, Chizuru just feels really surprised to hear it. Maybe not that he feels the same, since he did kiss her just now, but that he has felt so for a while now.. and she never even guessed.
At least he's definitely not the only one blushing here. ]
.. For some time..?
[ She's not even sure what to say to that. Should she apologize for not noticing it until he was holding her so close? It's not that she hasn't thought he was handsome (much like most of the men of the Shinsengumi, really), but Saitou was always so serious and focused that she thought things like these didn't even occur to him. ]
I.. I didn't realise Saitou-san's feelings before.. [ A little embarrassed by that fact, yes. It's probably because of that and because she feels so light from the happiness at all these words that the next part just slips out-- ] I-I mean, I really did think you were really good-looking, and thoughtful and kind and--
[ .. yeah, it's only then that she realises what she's saying out loud, and she opens and closes her mouth for a few moments like a goldfish gasping for air outside of its bowl. ]
[These things have a hard time occurring to him, really. Or at least, he has a difficult time noticing them and recognizing them for what they are. Which is why -]
I did not recognize it for what it was, myself. I...am not good at understanding these things...
[Vicious understatement.
But he trails off, as his brain seemingly catches up with what she's saying about him, and he turns a much brighter red.]
[ Understatement of the century, maybe we should get the Shinsengumi's neighbours to bring over some sake already.
But even though she's still a little embarrassed from her words just now, she can't help but want to defend them all the same - because the last thing she wants to see is someone like Saitou put himself down when she's seen him as nothing but an incredibly strong yet kind person, as much as it might be hard to spot under his quiet if you don't know him very well. ]
N-- no, it's true! Um, I mean, at least I think so, but.. I'm sure everyone else would agree with me too. [ The captains of the Shinsengumi have been friends for years, after all, she's sure that all of them probably understand Saitou even better than she does. ]
.. Well, I don't know for sure if they would mention the good-looking part, but.. [ Das gay, after all. But, yeah, definitely blushing here too. ] I.. have thought it to be true..
[Well, yeah, he can't imagine that any of his fellow captains have thought about what a dreamboat he is, that's for certain. But really, he has a hard time picturing them ever saying the rest of it, as well.
And yet he doesn't want to protest too much, if only because her courage in saying these things demands respect. As clumsy with feelings as Saitou is, he has an idea of how difficult it can be to say these things - to admit them to oneself is difficult enough. (Or at least, he feels it is.)
If he can't protest, but he's also not quite sure how to simply take the compliments -]
...Yukimura. May I?
[If there's any confusion about what he means, that will hopefully clear itself up when his fingertips brush her cheek and he leans just a hair closer.]
[ There's no doubt about it with that "again" that follows after it. At least not in Chizuru's mind. And she realises it's probably a lot easier to kiss than let other things accidentally slip out of her mouth and embarrass the two of them even more - besides, she knows that this sort of thing isn't exactly easy for him, and she does want to gently assist him with every single attempt he makes in something that's so new for him (and for her too, really).
So when he says it, she lightly nods, as if she doesn't want to accidentally make those fingertips slip off her cheek, she wants that touch to linger. ]
Of course.. [ At least the fact that she wants it too is obvious in her tone, her desire for him shining through. ] .. Do you want me to close my eyes again..?
[ Before he even leans in all the way, that is. She doesn't want to make things more difficult on him and it seemed to help last time, so.. ]
[It does make it a bit easier, but that she asks - maybe that means she wants to keep them open?
And as slow as he's been to realize it, he wants her to be happy. Anything that would make her happy - if there's something as simple as this, shouldn't that be well within his power to grant her?
He should probably stop overthinking this and just do it.
So he leans in again, his hand not moving away from her face, and brushes his lips against hers a second time.]
[ An open answer like that only makes it more difficult. Because then she has to decide what exactly it is she wants, and weigh it against her desire to do what he might want the most, and then even figure out what he would prefer this time--
But in the end, all of that is much too complicated to do in the few moments he's moving in again. And so she does keep her eyes open at first, because she wants to see him get closer like that, she wants to take in every detail of his face as it's so close to hers - she wants to see what kind of expression a person like Saitou would make as he kisses her. And it sure doesn't disappoint. He's so gentle, but he has a light blush (much like she does, really) and the look on his face is so-- so earnest, much like how he always tackles everything.
By the time his lips are firmly pressed against her own, she finally does close her eyes, her hand moving to rest on his shoulder. And this time she doesn't let herself be kissed as much as she actively participates in it too, pushing back (but not a lot, not forcefully, just enough to let him know that she likes this too, that she wants it) against his lips with her own. ]
Because it's one thing for him to know that she's okay with letting him do this, and to work up the nerve to do it - but to have her so actively reciprocate is something he's still wholly unprepared for, because there's some part of him that's still having trouble believing that this is happening in the first place, that she could possibly be willing to go along with it, let alone become part of it -
He could probably use a moment to stop and take a deep breath, but when his lips part a bit further reflexively and he tries to suck in a breath, all he can taste is her, and that doesn't help as much as it helps; he's definitely not getting the air he probably needs, but his mind is definitely on anything but breathing, anyway.]
[ She lingers for a few moments even after he tries to suck in a breath. Maybe it's selfish, but it just.. feels so nice to be doing this with him, despite the circumstances. His taste, the way he's so utterly careful about it - it's not exactly like Chizuru has kissed anyone before either, but she's sure that this just really is what it's supposed to be, the kind of feeling that leaves you wanting more, that fills your chest with warmth.
Except then she does realise that something is maybe a little wrong. She pulls her lips from his enough to just talk, but hardly backs down with the way her hands is still on his shoulder and her heels still a little off the ground (because despite the height difference not being as terrible as it would be with some of the other guys, it's still there) - her big eyes staring at him from up close, still feeling the warm air from his mouth on her face. ]
Um.. i-it wasn't wrong this time, was it..? [ Chizuru "let's see the good in everyone ever" Yukimura apparently hasn't picked up on the connection that if Saitou isn't exactly the least socially awkward person ever, he might not entirely know how to deal with this stuff either. ]
[He blurts that out almost a little too fast, and immediately blushes a bit deeper as he tries to make that sound more - diplomatic, more poised, more...more anything but how it just sounded.]
I...believe that - that was quite right, Yukimura.
[He doesn't have a clue what right works out to in situations like these, but it felt nice and his heart just skipped about five beats, and surely that counts for something.]
[ Well. That reaction sure wasn't very Saitou-like-- or at least, not very much like the usual Saitou she's seen, the one who seems to keep calm and collected at everything, no matter whether it's the middle of a battle or some of the less mature Shinsengumi members making a mess during dinner..
But there's still something so honest about his answer, about the way he wants to make sure she doesn't misunderstand and feel bad so quickly.. it makes a warmth swell in her heart. Even more than that.. it makes him seem even more human, it makes her feel like she's really getting to see glimpses of what he's fully like beyond his usual face. But it's also just--
Chizuru can't help but giggle. It's not really laughing at him, since it's more just that she feels so happy that he's trying this hard for her sake - the happiness bubbles over until she can't contain it, and out of a sheer sense of having to be more polite about it, she quickly covers up her mouth with her hand, casting her eyes downward. ]
A-- ah, sorry..! [ For.. laughing, yes.. she doesn't want him to misunderstand and feel hurt either, okay. ] I just..
[ How does she put this into words? ]
I just thought I really got to see Saitou-san's feelings for a moment.. they're very sincere. [ "I'm glad", she means. ]
[It's mumbled, hard to hear under his breath but just clear enough to make out - more of a slightly awkward attempt to explain his behavior to himself than anything he means her to respond to. There's nothing embarrassing about this, he's just behaving in a manner consistent with the way of the warrior that he strives to live by, this is totally a...normal...thing.
(He's having a hard time buying his own excuse that his outburst has anything to do with properly adhering to bushido, right now.)]
[ As sassy as Chizuru can be at times, she can also be a little oblivious or gullible at other times.. and honestly, with Saitou being.. well, Saitou, what he's saying right now isn't even that hard to just believe literally. ]
Even all of this.. for Saitou-san, it has to do with bushido? [ Yes, she's saying it completely genuinely and curiously. Even while they're still this close. ]
[- isn't as much about bushido as he'd like to pretend it is, to be honest (and of course he feels the need to be honest), but perhaps there is a better way to explain it.]
...it is about the kind of person I hope to be.
[And that, indeed, has a lot to do with bushido, but this is less about being a warrior and more about being someone worthy of the respect he affords that position.]
[ The kind of person he hopes to be.. she can't help but think about it for a moment when he mentions that. Sure, her first impression of the Shinsengumi thanks to the way she ran into them wasn't exactly the best thing ever and there was a good while where she was just more or less frightened by them despite staying in their headquarters. But slowly, over time, she's gotten to know them better. Well enough apparently that Saitou would really consider doing something like this with her, standing here all pressed up against each other to take cover from the rain, kissing her..
But in a way, he's never changed much from the way she first saw him. The way he presents him is just the way he is, genuinely, honestly-- it's just that the extra things he can't express as well that lay underneath it take a little bit before you can notice them. A surprising gentle care for things, a complete devotion to everything he does.
After a quiet moment of thinking about it, she softly draws in a slight breath. ]
I don't think I know for sure what kind of person you hope to be. [ Or rather, she wouldn't want to make any assumptions about it - it'd be rude. ] But.. I think the way you are now, the Saitou that k--.. kissed me.. [ give her a moment to stutter at her dokis, okay. ]
[He's never going to turn a normal color again if she keeps this up, gosh.
His gaze finds some undefined point off to the side to fix on for a moment, because he's flustered and things like that only make it worse, but -
- but then he takes a deep breath, and moves his eyes back up to meet hers, because while he has a feeling he already knows, that's the best way for him to be certain of what he thinks - hopes - is true.
And since Chizuru is a little thick, she may not realise just how flustered Saitou is at those statement.. because to her, rather than flattery, they're just the truth. All the men of the Shinsengumi are admirable in their own way, and Saitou is no exception. If anything, it's like she's able to understand him even more thanks to their moments here.
So she looks up at him, when he causes their gazes to meet. There's a slight hint of confusion or surprise in her glance, as if she's wondering why he's staring at her like that, but she doesn't want to ask it out loud. It'd feel too much like she's breaking something in the atmosphere here that way. ]
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That's better than some of the scenarios that have flashed through his mind.
On the contrary - it feels like she's - she's relaxing, she's letting herself fall into it, and he realizes with a start that he has no idea what happens next. Saitou's used to either thinking about the consequences, or at least being in a situation where he trusts his gut instinct to guide him even when the next move isn't logically apparent, but the idea of trusting his instincts about this - about girls, is terrifying, because a woman is nothing like a sword.
His arms tighten around her; whether it's protective and possessive or simply a nervous attempt to stop his hands from shaking is anyone's guess. (It may quite possibly be both.)]
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Not that the grip on her isn't nice, it's not too tight, and it's especially warm now out here and his lips on her feel so nice. It feels so right to do this sort of thing with him, even though she's sure that it probably shouldn't, considering he's a captain of the Shinsengumi and she's just staying with them since they probably still can't let her go with what she knows and with how she wants to help them find her father. She doesn't want to get Saitou into trouble, or cause him to feel conflicted, or anything along those lines, but..
.. even so, it'd be unfair towards him to not say the words that fill up her heart. So when their lips seperate for a moment, Chizuru wants to at least tell him rather than just imply through the movement of her lips. ]
I.. like you, Saitou-san. [ It's really soft, a mere whisper. Even if his men have already sought shelter in the shops around and there's no one on the streets, she still wants to make sure absolutely no one but him hears it just in case. ] Or, if you don't mind me saying so.. maybe it would be more appropriate to say "love"..
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[And the fact that he doesn't probably says that he's really in an odd mood, because his sense of propriety ought to have something to say about all this, but with the way his heart is pounding, who would be able to hear it?
He tilts his back, but only just far enough to take a long look into her eyes, and no further. The closest he can get still doesn't feel close enough, in a moment like this, but he needs to know, and her eyes say everything.
She...really means it.]
I feel the same...and I believe I may have for...some time now.
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But she can't help it, Chizuru just feels really surprised to hear it. Maybe not that he feels the same, since he did kiss her just now, but that he has felt so for a while now.. and she never even guessed.
At least he's definitely not the only one blushing here. ]
.. For some time..?
[ She's not even sure what to say to that. Should she apologize for not noticing it until he was holding her so close? It's not that she hasn't thought he was handsome (much like most of the men of the Shinsengumi, really), but Saitou was always so serious and focused that she thought things like these didn't even occur to him. ]
I.. I didn't realise Saitou-san's feelings before.. [ A little embarrassed by that fact, yes. It's probably because of that and because she feels so light from the happiness at all these words that the next part just slips out-- ] I-I mean, I really did think you were really good-looking, and thoughtful and kind and--
[ .. yeah, it's only then that she realises what she's saying out loud, and she opens and closes her mouth for a few moments like a goldfish gasping for air outside of its bowl. ]
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I did not recognize it for what it was, myself. I...am not good at understanding these things...
[Vicious understatement.
But he trails off, as his brain seemingly catches up with what she's saying about him, and he turns a much brighter red.]
You do me too much credit, Yukimura.
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But even though she's still a little embarrassed from her words just now, she can't help but want to defend them all the same - because the last thing she wants to see is someone like Saitou put himself down when she's seen him as nothing but an incredibly strong yet kind person, as much as it might be hard to spot under his quiet if you don't know him very well. ]
N-- no, it's true! Um, I mean, at least I think so, but.. I'm sure everyone else would agree with me too. [ The captains of the Shinsengumi have been friends for years, after all, she's sure that all of them probably understand Saitou even better than she does. ]
.. Well, I don't know for sure if they would mention the good-looking part, but.. [ Das gay, after all. But, yeah, definitely blushing here too. ] I.. have thought it to be true..
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[Well, yeah, he can't imagine that any of his fellow captains have thought about what a dreamboat he is, that's for certain. But really, he has a hard time picturing them ever saying the rest of it, as well.
And yet he doesn't want to protest too much, if only because her courage in saying these things demands respect. As clumsy with feelings as Saitou is, he has an idea of how difficult it can be to say these things - to admit them to oneself is difficult enough. (Or at least, he feels it is.)
If he can't protest, but he's also not quite sure how to simply take the compliments -]
...Yukimura. May I?
[If there's any confusion about what he means, that will hopefully clear itself up when his fingertips brush her cheek and he leans just a hair closer.]
...again?
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So when he says it, she lightly nods, as if she doesn't want to accidentally make those fingertips slip off her cheek, she wants that touch to linger. ]
Of course.. [ At least the fact that she wants it too is obvious in her tone, her desire for him shining through. ] .. Do you want me to close my eyes again..?
[ Before he even leans in all the way, that is. She doesn't want to make things more difficult on him and it seemed to help last time, so.. ]
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[It does make it a bit easier, but that she asks - maybe that means she wants to keep them open?
And as slow as he's been to realize it, he wants her to be happy. Anything that would make her happy - if there's something as simple as this, shouldn't that be well within his power to grant her?
He should probably stop overthinking this and just do it.
So he leans in again, his hand not moving away from her face, and brushes his lips against hers a second time.]
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But in the end, all of that is much too complicated to do in the few moments he's moving in again. And so she does keep her eyes open at first, because she wants to see him get closer like that, she wants to take in every detail of his face as it's so close to hers - she wants to see what kind of expression a person like Saitou would make as he kisses her. And it sure doesn't disappoint. He's so gentle, but he has a light blush (much like she does, really) and the look on his face is so-- so earnest, much like how he always tackles everything.
By the time his lips are firmly pressed against her own, she finally does close her eyes, her hand moving to rest on his shoulder. And this time she doesn't let herself be kissed as much as she actively participates in it too, pushing back (but not a lot, not forcefully, just enough to let him know that she likes this too, that she wants it) against his lips with her own. ]
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Because it's one thing for him to know that she's okay with letting him do this, and to work up the nerve to do it - but to have her so actively reciprocate is something he's still wholly unprepared for, because there's some part of him that's still having trouble believing that this is happening in the first place, that she could possibly be willing to go along with it, let alone become part of it -
He could probably use a moment to stop and take a deep breath, but when his lips part a bit further reflexively and he tries to suck in a breath, all he can taste is her, and that doesn't help as much as it helps; he's definitely not getting the air he probably needs, but his mind is definitely on anything but breathing, anyway.]
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Except then she does realise that something is maybe a little wrong. She pulls her lips from his enough to just talk, but hardly backs down with the way her hands is still on his shoulder and her heels still a little off the ground (because despite the height difference not being as terrible as it would be with some of the other guys, it's still there) - her big eyes staring at him from up close, still feeling the warm air from his mouth on her face. ]
Um.. i-it wasn't wrong this time, was it..? [ Chizuru "let's see the good in everyone ever" Yukimura apparently hasn't picked up on the connection that if Saitou isn't exactly the least socially awkward person ever, he might not entirely know how to deal with this stuff either. ]
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[He blurts that out almost a little too fast, and immediately blushes a bit deeper as he tries to make that sound more - diplomatic, more poised, more...more anything but how it just sounded.]
I...believe that - that was quite right, Yukimura.
[He doesn't have a clue what right works out to in situations like these, but it felt nice and his heart just skipped about five beats, and surely that counts for something.]
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But there's still something so honest about his answer, about the way he wants to make sure she doesn't misunderstand and feel bad so quickly.. it makes a warmth swell in her heart. Even more than that.. it makes him seem even more human, it makes her feel like she's really getting to see glimpses of what he's fully like beyond his usual face. But it's also just--
Chizuru can't help but giggle. It's not really laughing at him, since it's more just that she feels so happy that he's trying this hard for her sake - the happiness bubbles over until she can't contain it, and out of a sheer sense of having to be more polite about it, she quickly covers up her mouth with her hand, casting her eyes downward. ]
A-- ah, sorry..! [ For.. laughing, yes.. she doesn't want him to misunderstand and feel hurt either, okay. ] I just..
[ How does she put this into words? ]
I just thought I really got to see Saitou-san's feelings for a moment.. they're very sincere. [ "I'm glad", she means. ]
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[It's mumbled, hard to hear under his breath but just clear enough to make out - more of a slightly awkward attempt to explain his behavior to himself than anything he means her to respond to. There's nothing embarrassing about this, he's just behaving in a manner consistent with the way of the warrior that he strives to live by, this is totally a...normal...thing.
(He's having a hard time buying his own excuse that his outburst has anything to do with properly adhering to bushido, right now.)]
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Even all of this.. for Saitou-san, it has to do with bushido? [ Yes, she's saying it completely genuinely and curiously. Even while they're still this close. ]
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[- isn't as much about bushido as he'd like to pretend it is, to be honest (and of course he feels the need to be honest), but perhaps there is a better way to explain it.]
...it is about the kind of person I hope to be.
[And that, indeed, has a lot to do with bushido, but this is less about being a warrior and more about being someone worthy of the respect he affords that position.]
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But in a way, he's never changed much from the way she first saw him. The way he presents him is just the way he is, genuinely, honestly-- it's just that the extra things he can't express as well that lay underneath it take a little bit before you can notice them. A surprising gentle care for things, a complete devotion to everything he does.
After a quiet moment of thinking about it, she softly draws in a slight breath. ]
I don't think I know for sure what kind of person you hope to be. [ Or rather, she wouldn't want to make any assumptions about it - it'd be rude. ] But.. I think the way you are now, the Saitou that k--.. kissed me.. [ give her a moment to stutter at her dokis, okay. ]
.. That's already an amazing person to me.
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His gaze finds some undefined point off to the side to fix on for a moment, because he's flustered and things like that only make it worse, but -
- but then he takes a deep breath, and moves his eyes back up to meet hers, because while he has a feeling he already knows, that's the best way for him to be certain of what he thinks - hopes - is true.
That she truly means that, in her heart.]
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And since Chizuru is a little thick, she may not realise just how flustered Saitou is at those statement.. because to her, rather than flattery, they're just the truth. All the men of the Shinsengumi are admirable in their own way, and Saitou is no exception. If anything, it's like she's able to understand him even more thanks to their moments here.
So she looks up at him, when he causes their gazes to meet. There's a slight hint of confusion or surprise in her glance, as if she's wondering why he's staring at her like that, but she doesn't want to ask it out loud. It'd feel too much like she's breaking something in the atmosphere here that way. ]