[ It's not as if Jeongmin hasn't asked Yunyeol for a lot of things already. It first started off with him asking Yunyeol to kiss him once, to hold him once, to keep lying there with him once.. but it didn't just stay with that one time. Jeongmin liked the feeling too much to not ask for it again. Being next to Yunyeol made him feel warm, safe and comforted - it made him feel much less like there wasn't really anything left to bother trying to keep going for with his shitty body. Because everytime he felt the warmth of being pressed against Yunyeol's chest or the sensation of the other's lips on his own, he wanted to feel it again. And again.
And even though Jeongmin is sure it's just a delusion on his own part, it's easy to imagine Yunyeol liking it too. Surely he's just doing it because Jeongmin asks for it, but Yunyeol has never been anything but extremely gentle and warm.. like there's always so much love in those gestures. Because there's one thing Jeongmin knows for sure by now, something he can't deny or just be dismissive of.. he knows that he wants Yunyeol to love him. Desperately so. He wants him to somehow do those things by himself, without Jeongmin asking for it first. He wants to hear the words "I love you" from him without having to ask him, even though he knows that day will never come. It's just his own little make believe romance between the two of them - a thought so crushing that he doesn't spend too much time lingering on it.
But he wants even more than that. He's wanted it for a while now, but asking for it felt like such a big step that he hadn't been able to do it yet until now. Asking Yunyeol to have sex with him.. he can only imagine what it'd be like from the way the other usually holds him so gently, but that only makes him realise it would make him feel even more complete than just lying there with the other. It'd be even easier to imagine Yunyeol being as much into him as he's into the other if they're that closely connected too.
It still depends on a few factors even aside from Jeongmin having to gather his feelings and courage to ask, to be willing to take that step.. mostly his body. There are plenty of days where his body refuses to even be outside of his bed for longer than a few minutes - let alone the idea of somehow having sex with his body in that state.
But now it's finally all come together. Even though his heart still flutters so badly in his chest at the thought of asking Yunyeol for this - not that he doesn't know the other will do it without complaints, but it's more the anticipation for the process itself - his body is feeling better than usually today, and he knows that if he doesn't ask now, he won't know when the next opportunity for it will show up.
He's waited for the time he usually goes to lie down a little while in bed before he really goes to sleep (which is pretty early compared to most other people most of the time), especially since Yunyeol always accompanies him to his bedroom at that time to see if he needs anything or wants him to come lie there with him. But this time Jeongmin keeps sitting on the edge of his bed instead of fully moving to lie down, looking up at Yunyeol.
His heart feels like it's going crazy inside of his chest, and his heartbeat is so loud that he can hear it like the droning beat of some loud song in his ears. ]
Yunyeol.. I want you to do something else for me tonight.
[ At least he doesn't linger on just that.. he couldn't. Waiting for Yunyeol's response would make him feel even more on edge then, terrified of seeing a hint of reluctance or disappointment in the other's eyes even though he would agree to it. He has to get to it immediately - it's like he'll die if he has to wait too long now. ]
H.. [ Oh god, he's stumbling a little over his words now. He's looking like a total moron. Sure, he's a virgin, but that doesn't mean he has to look like some idiot virgin, right? Despite the fact it's not a very deep blush due to his illness, Jeongmin's cheeks still turn a faint pink compared to the rest of his pale skin.
The temptation to drop his gaze out of sheer embarrassment is overwhelming, but he resists it. He has to know if there's even a hint of hesitation about the other - maybe he can quickly call it off then before he's in too far and starts to feel regret and guilt over forcing the other to do something he might not want to do. ] Have sex with me.. please.
[It feels strange to think that Yunyeol had been expecting a day like this to come eventually...but it's the truth. No matter how much Jeongmin has treated him differently from what he'd imagined, this is still something that'd been drilled into his head since he was young. That whoever he belonged to would one day get a use out of him this way- for sex. In fact, it's one of the few things that'td been taught as if it was a complete guarantee...and so, of course he'd been trained for it plenty of times throughout his life.
The idea itself makes logical sense to him too. Yunyeol's own body is a tool that he uses completely for Jeongmin's benefit.
But there is one that catches him completely off guard about it...and that's the "please".
Jeongmin should know that he never has to ask for anything at all. Everything of Yunyeol's belongs to him unconditionally...And so, Yunyeol isn't entirely sure how he feels about being asked like that. It's not a bad feeling at all...but it's still strange to be asked for the one thing he'd always knew he'd have to give. Maybe because he's never even thought of having a choice before...it was always just something that would happen.
But that's not to say he's upset, at all, about any of this. Yunyeol's always been accepting of his position...and in this case...he's always wanted to give Jeongmin anything he needs and more. There's nothing about this that feels like an obligation, no matter what he'd been taught in the past. And while Yunyeol knows well enough that he would never say "no"...he still knows that he wouldn't want to anyway.
So the surprise does show through on his face from that "please", even if it's only for a few seconds. And while the surprise is very genuine, there's still absolutely no sense of hesitation or reluctance in him anywhere either. He's never like that anyway...he's always eager to do anything Jeongmin asks of him- this included.
Yunyeol doesn't delay any longer after that- moving over to kneel beside Jeongmin and look up at him carefully.]
You don't need to ask me...of course I will.
[That word "please" is still ringing in his ears...and it makes Yunyeol wish, almost desperately, that he could do something more. Like reaching out, and taking one of the other's hands, just to add to the reassurance that he's completely willing. But even after a request like that, he still doesn't dare to move on his own...not without having a better understanding of exactly what Jeongmin wants from him tonight.
But at the very least, there's a little something more going on with him right now...It's happiness. Even if it's only showing in the smallest, subtlest gestures.... He's glad- knowing that he'll be able to use his own body to give the other more comfort, and pleasure for a change...Yunyeol can't help but think of how much Jeongmin deserves that. And how glad he is that he'll be the one to provide it to him.]
[ There's something about the concept that exactly makes this so scary in Jeongmin's mind - something that Yunyeol is vocalising right here. "Of course I will." It's true, of course Yunyeol will. Jeongmin knows he doesn't have to add the please, because even if he'd downright order rather than just ask Yunyeol, he would still have sex with him. He isn't able to refuse Jeongmin anything, even if it would be in Jeongmin's best interests (like when he flushed his own medicine down the drain just to see if Yunyeol would stop him) or even if Yunyeol himself wouldn't want it. He can't help but say yes to anything Jeongmin asks of him, whether it's small errands around the house or downright having sex.
But that's the scary part.. because it's different than those errands. It isn't something that's just needed because it's useful to Jeongmin, because it could make his body feel good. It's since he well and truly loves Jeongmin, a heavy warm feeling settling into his chest every time the thought comes across his mind. So he wants to feel more of that.. it his heart already beats its way out of his chest when they only just kiss, he can't even imagine what it will feel like to be that deeply connected with Jeongmin on an entirely different level.
But that doesn't necessarily mean that Yunyeol feels the same. But just for now, just for a moment, he tries to ban that thought of his mind. If he has to make believe to himself that the other loves him for a few moments, then he'll try his best.. it's not like there's a whole lot of moments of happiness to be had for someone with a life like Yunyeol's.
He leans forward a little bit - with the other being on a more similar level with him now, it's easier to lean forward and softly plant his lips against Yunyeol's in a kiss. It's just to remember the taste, and to remember the feeling that's slowly spreading through his body at the contact already. Even with how quiet and passive he is, Yunyeol is so kind and warm and..
When he pulls back a little bit, Jeongmin instinctively lets out a small sigh. ]
I'll let you take the lead. [ Something is different in his tone. It's been different a lot more lately, even if it's often a little more subtle than this.. but it's a lot less dismissive than it used to be. He always used to sound like he doesn't care about anything, but he can't pretend that in this case. Not now. He feels worry, excitement, comfort.. a lot of feeling that he hadn't experienced in a long time before Yunyeol came into his life.
It's why he's letting Yunyeol take the lead too. He wants to feel what it's like to have Yunyeol doing that for him - that, and Jeongmin is too afraid that his own body won't be strong enough if he'd try to take the lead, even though today wasn't a particularly bad day health-wise. Maybe someday in the future he'll attempt it, but he really doesn't want anything that awkward to happen during the very first time he has sex.
His gaze flutters down at the next part. It's a little harder to admit for a guy who's so used to seeming uncaring about everything, and it makes it harder to meet Yunyeol's gaze for another moment. ]
I.. This is my first time, so.. [ He sucks in a breath. ] Show me what it's like.
[ It's a little easier to put it that way. At least a little bit dismissive, even though Jeongmin wouldn't be fooling most people. Trying to at least make it seem a little like he just wants to experience sex, although it's much more about Yunyeol specifically than he makes it sound. ]
[No matter the position Jeongmin chooses, Yunyeol can't help but view it as him giving himself to the other boy. Even if Jeongmin gives him some ounce of temporary control in a situation...that can still be taken away at any moment's notice. But even with that knowledge...Yunyeol's never felt afraid of Jeongmin...he still trusts him. And as far as he's concerned, Yunyeol is more than happy to devote his entire self to making this other boy happy. This is no different.
The kiss makes him feel warmth blossoming in his chest, and it only grows as he listens to Jeongmin talk. It's all in the way he's talking too...already so different from any time before now. It's sweet...
He smiles, just a little bit- despite Jeongmin not looking at him right now, Yunyeol can't help it. Even Jeongmin admitting this would be his first time... it only makes Yunyeol happier too. Because that makes this special, doesn't it...? It feels like an honor to him, to be able to fulfill this role...and that only strengthens his resolve to do anything he can to please the other.]
I'd be happy to.
[And Yunyeol means it...there's a hint of the smile in his voice too, even if it's still a small one.
But now- Jeongmin will finally get to see his Yunyeol in a different light. Because while he wouldn't normally have a reason to be more active with the other...this is a different situation, after all. And since Jeongmin asked him for it directly, it doesn't feel quite so daunting.
This is one of those cases where it wouldn't do to keep pausing and asking for permission for acting out any little thing he wanted to do. Of course...that doesn't mean Yunyeol still won't be careful...he's always at least somewhat cautious, with everything he does. Except despite that, more than anything else he's done with Jeongmin before, taking the lead in sex will be a lot of Yunyeol's own choices.
So where there was restraint only a few moments ago...Yunyeol allows himself to be a little more forward- moving up to sit besides Jeongmin on the bed, and gently taking both of the other's hands like he'd wanted to a few moments ago. They're small gestures, but it's already a bit more than he normally does on his own...and it's a way for him to test it out first. But as long as Jeongmin seems fine, Yunyeol will only do more for him from here on out.
Still...he feels like he has to get one last word in, at the very least. Just as a precaution, of sorts...as obvious as it might sound. But his voice still sounds softer, and sweeter when he talks this time...and it's clear that he's not just quoting some line out of a manual he was taught. He's saying this because he wants to be sure of it-]
If you ever need me to do anything differently...please tell me.
[Even if that means him stopping completely. Yunyeol just wants Jeongmin to feel safe and comfortable with him, above all else.]
It feels like he's imagining all of this. Or at least half of this. Maybe the thought of asking Yunyeol to have sex with him makes his heart pound so hard that it just knocked his frail body straight up unconscious, and he's dreaming all of this. Or maybe it's at least giving him hallucinations, making the tone of Yunyeol's voice sound so sweet, and makes a very tiny smile seem to be on Yunyeol's face, something he hasn't even seen that often...
That can't be real, right? Would Yunyeol really be that happy to have sex with the person who owned him? No matter how soft his kisses and touches were before, no matter how he held him while they were lying down in bed when Jeongmin asked for it.. it can't be real. It must all be him imagining things, imagining Yunyeol having feelings for him the same way he has feelings for the other.
But even if he would imagine all this, maybe it isn't too bad for the moment. If he can only let himself go for a moment and let himself feel good and happy tonight.. then he can worry about how delusional he might be or not tomorrow. For now he just wants to bask in the way Yunyeol taking his hands into his own without Jeongmin explictly having to ask for it makes his chest feel so warm..
He loves him so much. Somewhere between all the soft care Yunyeol gave him, Jeongmin really did fall in love with the other.. so much that even small things like this can make him feel much more excited than he should be. Maybe it's since he's so sheltered due to his illness, or maybe his illness has just done something weird to his brain, but he can't help it.
Jeongmin shakes his head a little. Not to tell Yunyeol off about anything, quite the opposite-- ]
Don't worry about it. [ Because he knows Yunyeol has Jeongmin's best interests always at the front of his mind. It's natural with the way Yunyeol has been raised, after all.. learning how to absolutely obey someone else, how to take care of them. How to put that other person's needs in front of his own. ] I trust you.
[ Yunyeol has never done anything he didn't want, after all. If anything, there were moments where he wished Yunyeol would do a little more.. go a little further. Kiss him a little more than just doing what Jeongmin asks for, take a little initiative.
But he too knows that also isn't part of the way Yunyeol was raised.
He lets out a soft breath, his gaze dropping to their joined hands for a moment before moving back up to Yunyeol's face. At least he's still trying to not seem overly into this.. not as much as he feels on the inside, after all. He'd look like a moron if he displayed the way his heart is racing right now to the other, especially since Yunyeol must just see this like a business sort of thing, just part of their bond as owner and owned. ]
[Trust is something he'd never really considered before he'd met Jeongmin...not in the sense that he didn't know what it was, but he didn't think it would ever come into play in his life. He never thought he would need a sense of trust for someone who has complete control over him...and he never thought that person would feel it towards him either. But it's there...and somehow, it's mutual on both ends. And that alone feels miraculous to Yunyeol...For right now too, it gives a greater sense of confidence in what he's about to do.
It means that all of the smiles and all of the the tenderness to Yunyeol right now- it's all completely genuine. None of it is forced at all...but he has no idea that Jeongmin would ever doubt that. But that doesn't mean he stops now either...his smile actually widens a little when he hears the other boy's words of trust.
If anything...it might've been harder for him to not smile in a moment like this.
Yunyeol gives a small nod of acknowledgement to Jeongmin's last few words, and as he does, he raises one of his hands up- resting it softly against the other boy's cheek, then moving in to press an even softer kiss against his lips. The kiss itself doesn't feel too different from normal...but despite the fact that Jeongmin had asked for sex, he hadn't asked for a kiss. So this is the first one Yunyeol's given without explicit permission...and that in itself already feels a little different. But whether it's different or familiar, he'll never take a kiss with Jeongmin for granted.
While Yunyeol tilts his head- pressing more and more kisses onto Jeongmin's lips- his other hand shifts to start pushing the other boy down onto the bed. He's still taking it slow and soft for right now...wanting to help ease Jeongmin into everything. It's partially because of his sickness, partially because this is his first time...but also because he really wants Jeongmin to enjoy every moment of it. Even the smaller things now, while they're still getting started.
He knows that Jeongmin's body is in a state of pain so often...so Yunyeol wants to do all he can to give him the exact opposite of that.
And while he kisses him sweetly for a few more moments, he does want to give the other boy something beyond that too. Something new, that he hasn't experienced quiet yet...So he moves down- towards Jeongmin's neck soon after, and lays a trail of soft kisses all along it.
There's some obvious skill in everything he's doing...skills that he's learned throughout the course of his life. Even in little actions like these- he puts everything he has, and everything he's learned into them. Jeongmin doesn't deserve anything less than his absolute best, and so that's what Yunyeol will give him. Even as his hand moves to help Jeongmin position himself better onto the bed, he seems to do it without much difficulty.
He doesn't move to go too much further than this just yet- waiting to gauge Jeongmin's reaction, and making sure he's doing well enough for the other.]
[ If this were any other situation he'd be having sex and it went like this, Jeongmin is sure he would hate it. He doesn't like being treated like this.. so gently, constantly guided, as if he's something fragile that has to be protected at all costs. He doesn't want to be babied just because he's ill, no matter how shitty or potentially deadly his illness might be. He wants to show the world that there's plenty of things he can still do, no matter how sick he is. He wants to prove he's still strong too, and not some cripple.
But when it's Yunyeol doing it, all of those protests somehow seem to vanish. Maybe it's the knowledge that no matter what the other is doing, he still belongs to Jeongmin.. he's still only acting upon commands given by Jeongmin, so he's still the one in charge.
Deep in his heart he knows it's different though. The reason why he doesn't feel angry at being laid down so softly on the bed is because it's Yunyeol. Because Yunyeol being near him is enough to make a warmth form in the pit of his chest, because Yunyeol makes him feel so oddly loved and wanted with the way he touches him and looks at him, caring for him so softly. Yunyeol isn't doing this because he pities him, but because he cares for him. (He still thinks it's not real though - but even as his own delusion, that works well enough for him in this moment.)
He moves along the best he can with the way Yunyeol's hands guide him onto the bed and to lie a little more comfortably.. his own hands slowly move up to cling to the other too - not too strong of a grasp, but it's still there all the same. Along with the soft sound that escapes his mouth when Yunyeol kisses his neck like that, no matter how softly it is. It just feels.. nice. He's so used to his body hurting and feeling like it's working against him, so the feeling of these kind of sensations on his skin instead feels like heaven opening just for him.
It's appreciated that Yunyeol is so practiced with this anyway. Jeongmin is so much of a virgin that he'd feel super unconfident about doing it if he himself had to take the lead, especially this first time, so for once it feels a little nice to be led and guided. He trusts Yunyeol.. and it's why the other's name softly moves across his lips. ]
[Yunyeol adores Jeongmin too much to ever do something like this out of pity. While it's true that he might not have any real say in this happening to begin with, there isn't even a single part of him that feels reluctant to do this. He can't deny that he is taking Jeongmin's illness into some consideration...but it's not that he thinks that the other boy really is weak, or fragile.
Yunyeol himself is just so naturally sweet and gentle anyway, that it's no different from how he'd be acting even if Jeongmin wasn't sick at all. Easing his way into things for both of them...figuring out what works, and what doesn't. Just...being careful, and loving.
At least, if there's anything Yunyeol does have some confidence in, it's that he'll be able to pleasure Jeongmin...and start finding the best ways to do so.
It's a little extra reassuring to feel Jeongmin's arms wrap around him like that...but nothing can compare to hearing the soft sound from the other boy's mouth...and then his own name in the same voice. A strange, almost sad aching sensation shoots through his chest and his stomach as soon as he hears it...and it makes Yunyeol start to press his kisses a little harder against Jeongmin's neck. Still not enough to be aggressive...just as if his actions are starting to grow in confidence too.
After a few more kisses, he moves one hand down tentatively- pressing it against the edge of Jeongmin's shirt, and gently sliding it up against his stomach. His skin feels so soft...and the warmth against his hand makes Yunyeol's heart swell with affection. He's just...so lucky to be able to be doing this. He can't get that out of his head. Even to be able to touch Jeongmin like this...his heart skips a few more beats just thinking about it.]
[ It's not like Yunyeol hasn't touched him before. Even just beyond places where his skin is usually visible. There have been plenty of times where Jeongmin's illness just wrecked him so much for a day that even changing his clothes by himself felt impossible and Yunyeol helped him - or times where Yunyeol had to help bathe him, even. But this still feels different from any of that. Not that Jeongmin's heart didn't oddly beat even during those times, since that close physical contact with Yunyeol is what he slowly grew to desire, but this is still.. different.
Maybe it's the situation, the two of them being so intimate right now on purpose. It feels a little less like he's making Yunyeol babysit him and more like they could almost be equals if he didn't know better. Like they could just be two normal people in love. And there's nothing he wants more than that, especially with someone as soft and sweet as Yunyeol, someone who makes it so easy to believe that he might just naturally care about Jeongmin. (Even though wandering too far in that direction with his thoughts still feels terrifying.)
And exactly because all of this feels so different, it feels nice when he feels Yunyeol's hand start to move up his clothes while the other is still kissing him. This is exactly what he wants - feeling like he's being enveloped by Yunyeol. Drowning in the other's warmth, and forgetting what he usually feels like most of the time. The feeling makes him wiggle a little under the other, but it's not because he wants the other to stop. It's because it feels so nice that he just can't help himself, even in little ways like this.
His grip on the other tightens just a little bit, and as he realises Yunyeol might interpret the signals he's giving in a wrong way, he makes sure to at least address it out loud. ]
Touch me more.. please..
[ It definitely feels a little embarrassing to be this needy even though they've only just started, but it's not like Jeongmin hadn't imagined this sort of scenario plenty of times in his mind already. It makes him crave more of this quickly - wanting Yunyeol's hands to roam all over him, to make every spot of his body feel better than it ever has before. There's no way he can mutter those words while actually looking at the other though, so in that sense he's definitely glad Yunyeol is too preoccupied with planting kisses against his neck so there's no way to have eye contact. ]
[As much as Yunyeol can be overly careful with just about everything he does, he's still plenty aware of how people react to being touched like this. So at the very least, he's less likely to stop and check if Jeongmin's alright unless something really seems off. And nothing's raising any alarm in him right now, so he seems calm with carrying on.
At least, aside from when Jeongmin talks again. As soon as those words are out, it feels like something's squeezing tightly around his heart. It's hard to imagine how he's going to make it through this in one piece if the person he belongs to keeps asking him "please" like that. It just makes Yunyeol want to give everything to him- more and more desperately.
And so...Yunyel lets a warm puff of breath against Jeongmin's neck before he starts to pull back. It's only for a moment- long enough to grab onto the bottom of the other's shirt and gently tug it the rest of the way off, then let it fall to the side of the bed. And as he was asked, Yunyeol moves back down- letting his hands travel all along Jeongmin's chest, his sides, his stomach...All the while he leans over to press kisses against him again- this time moving down to his collarbone, then over towards his shoulder.
This is different for Yunyeol too. Not even just different from the way he's touched Jeongmin before...there's an obvious difference this time. Even though, when he'd been helping his owner with being bathed or getting dressed, he always held him with a similar tenderness, it's just not the same as how intimate this is right now. That alone is special...But what's really different, is just...how all of this is starting out at all. Maybe they haven't gotten very far yet, but it's already such a major change from the experiences he's had with sex in his life up until now.
The life they'd prepared him for wasn't supposed to be anything like this. The sex he'd had before was always much harder- whether it was giving or receiving. Mostly because they needed to prepare him for a lifestyle like that- prepare him for the worst, mainly. Nothing like this...nothing so soft, and sweet and loving. Nothing where anything even made him feel...even remotely needed.]
[ Jeongmin finds himself holding his breath as Yunyeol takes off his shirt. It's not as if the other has never seen him naked before - he knows Yunyeol has seen that up close enough times, all those times when he was too weak to even dress himself or take a proper bath. But despite the fact that there's really nothing new here about his body, he still can't help but feel a little nervous.
After all, his body is... well, it's not that great, is it? His skin is so pale from how much time he has to spend inside due to his illness that it makes him feel like a ghost sometimes when he looks into the mirror. He's pretty skinny and frail-looking, and being left without his clothes always makes him feel incredibly vulnerable. It's not that he doesn't trust Yunyeol - otherwise they wouldn't be in this position to begin with, he knows Yunyeol is incredibly loyal and gentle - but still letting Yunyeol see this, see his pale skin marred by scars from surgeries they tried on him for his illness in the past... He feels a little bad letting the other see just how terrible he looks, no matter whether it's during a moment Yunyeol is helping him or a moment when they're doing... well, this.
His heart starts pounding more rapidly in his chest with the fear that the other might find him repulsive. It's not like Yunyeol could ever say it even if he thought it, right? He couldn't just say that to the person that owns him. So those thoughts could be there, and Jeongmin would never even know about it..
But the touch on his skin is thankfully very distracting. Yunyeol's hands feel so good and warm on his bare skin, and the kisses are so sweet and gentle that he doesn't ever want this to stop. His body usually makes him feel so terrible, and this is one of the first times that it has ever made him feel anything close to good.
His breaths are long, but start to turn more shakey the more the other kisses and touches him. ]
Yunyeol...
[ Tell me you love me. Tell me I'm not just some pathetic guy you have to take care of. Tell me---
All things that go around in his head, but that he could never say since it'd be an absolute order if he did voice them out loud, and forced answers would be even worse than Yunyeol voicing the sentiments Jeongmin sometimes fears the other holds. ]
[If only there was some way Yunyeol could know what was going through Jeongmin's head...if only there was a way he could know about those fears and then try to alleviate them. But then again...if Jeongmin were to voice any of those fears, and Yunyeol answered...would Jeongmin know it was an honest answer? And not just him saying what he's supposed to say...? It would be better if Yunyeol could realize the other's feelings on his own...but he's still not socially skilled enough to know that there's anything like that going through his head right now. And even then, Yunyeol's often too reserved to say much unless he knows for sure he's allowed to speak.
But the heart of the matter here is simply that Jeongmin doesn't have to be afraid at all of Yunyeol's thoughts. He doesn't particularly have any strong sense of what's attractive to him or what's not to begin with...because he's never been allowed to have anything that he wants anyway. What he sees here is the body that belongs to the one person who's his entire world...the body that he does want to comfort...to hold, to protect, to make feel good. It's simply part of Jeongmin himself, and there isn't any part of him that Yunyeol doesn't care about fully.
Even if it doesn't occur to him that he could, or should say any of that...this is still the one opportunity where Yunyeol has a little more freedom in his actions. And so, even without necessarily realizing it, Yunyeol's still giving an answer, in a way.
The scars on Jeongmin's body don't go unnoticed, but Yunyeol doesn't shy away from them at all. He's not sure if his owner would want him to fixate on them at all or not, but it somehow feels wrong to just act like they're not there...He brushes his fingers over one of them in a way that's undeniably affectionate...and traces kisses along the scar afterwards.
Maybe it's pointless to think like this, since the scars themselves are obviously long healed by now, but...Yunyeol finds himself wishing he could've been there when Jeongmin had gotten them. It feels strange to go down along this train of thought too...but he really does wish he'd been here a lot sooner. By Jeongmin's side even when they were younger...always being there to help him through his pain. It feels like this is exactly where he's meant to be.]
I'm here, Jeongmin...
[He says it in a soft, sweet voice in a pause between kisses. It still feels strange to him to say Jeongmin's name...no matter the fact that the other had already given him permission to do so a while ago. Maybe it just seems a little bold, especially in a situation like this. But...Yunyeol knows he'd feel worse if he didn't say it in this case.]
[ The terrible feeling of dread in the pit of his stomach starts to eb away slightly when he feels Yunyeol's lips and fingers moving across his scars. It's not as if he's got direct confirmation that the other doesn't mind the scars, considering Yunyeol probably couldn't say anything about it anyway with the way he is.. but it really does feel like there's something loving in the touches, something softly affectionate. Jeongmin knows that they really did train Yunyeol well - to a ridiculous point where he really feels sorry for Yunyeol at times and wishes the other could at least speak up about what he feels a little more - but there's no way you can train someone to even ask their touch, right? Would affection be that easy to fake?
Maybe it's since he wants it to be true so badly, but he can't help but slip into the mindset that the other doesn't mind this. That Yunyeol isn't doing this against his own will because Jeongmin owns him and wants him to, but that he doesn't mind doing this with Jeongmin. That he wants Jeongmin to feel good.. that he wants him to be happy. He can't help but think of the times when the pain was almost too bad to bear and there was definitely worry in the other's eyes, in a way that felt too genuine to be faked.
Almost without thinking his hands move up to the other's head, his fingers digging into the other's hair - but there's nothing harsh about it. It isn't even due to lack of strength on Jeongmin's part, it's just that he really would never want to hurt the other. It's just a gentle touch, just his fingers brushing through the other's hair to have even more contact between them, to show Yunyeol that he does really like this. He likes not even just the physical part of this, but also the mental and emotional side.. the signs that Yunyeol really does care, especially when he's saying so sweetly that he's here with him.
It's almost overwhelming. His throat feels a little tight, and for a moment Jeongmin almost feels like he's going to cry like some sort of moron at all of Yunyeol's sweetness that's surrounding him, but he manages to at least hold that much back. Not that it does anything about the expression on his face seeming genuinely happy - and even a little hopeful. It's like he's at the edge of the cliff that is telling Yunyeol he loves him, but he doesn't dare to jump in just yet. But it's so close at Yunyeol's kisses, so close.. ]
You're so good at this.
[ His voice is soft too, but it's almost a little more mumbled, like he feels a bit embarrassed just saying it. Mostly since he left it at a surface level compliment, but there's more meaning behind it. It doesn't have anything to do with how well Yunyeol is trained or anything, it's nothing about the physical skills - it's about what he does to Jeongmin's heart without even realising it. ]
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And even though Jeongmin is sure it's just a delusion on his own part, it's easy to imagine Yunyeol liking it too. Surely he's just doing it because Jeongmin asks for it, but Yunyeol has never been anything but extremely gentle and warm.. like there's always so much love in those gestures. Because there's one thing Jeongmin knows for sure by now, something he can't deny or just be dismissive of.. he knows that he wants Yunyeol to love him. Desperately so. He wants him to somehow do those things by himself, without Jeongmin asking for it first. He wants to hear the words "I love you" from him without having to ask him, even though he knows that day will never come. It's just his own little make believe romance between the two of them - a thought so crushing that he doesn't spend too much time lingering on it.
But he wants even more than that. He's wanted it for a while now, but asking for it felt like such a big step that he hadn't been able to do it yet until now. Asking Yunyeol to have sex with him.. he can only imagine what it'd be like from the way the other usually holds him so gently, but that only makes him realise it would make him feel even more complete than just lying there with the other. It'd be even easier to imagine Yunyeol being as much into him as he's into the other if they're that closely connected too.
It still depends on a few factors even aside from Jeongmin having to gather his feelings and courage to ask, to be willing to take that step.. mostly his body. There are plenty of days where his body refuses to even be outside of his bed for longer than a few minutes - let alone the idea of somehow having sex with his body in that state.
But now it's finally all come together. Even though his heart still flutters so badly in his chest at the thought of asking Yunyeol for this - not that he doesn't know the other will do it without complaints, but it's more the anticipation for the process itself - his body is feeling better than usually today, and he knows that if he doesn't ask now, he won't know when the next opportunity for it will show up.
He's waited for the time he usually goes to lie down a little while in bed before he really goes to sleep (which is pretty early compared to most other people most of the time), especially since Yunyeol always accompanies him to his bedroom at that time to see if he needs anything or wants him to come lie there with him. But this time Jeongmin keeps sitting on the edge of his bed instead of fully moving to lie down, looking up at Yunyeol.
His heart feels like it's going crazy inside of his chest, and his heartbeat is so loud that he can hear it like the droning beat of some loud song in his ears. ]
Yunyeol.. I want you to do something else for me tonight.
[ At least he doesn't linger on just that.. he couldn't. Waiting for Yunyeol's response would make him feel even more on edge then, terrified of seeing a hint of reluctance or disappointment in the other's eyes even though he would agree to it. He has to get to it immediately - it's like he'll die if he has to wait too long now. ]
H.. [ Oh god, he's stumbling a little over his words now. He's looking like a total moron. Sure, he's a virgin, but that doesn't mean he has to look like some idiot virgin, right? Despite the fact it's not a very deep blush due to his illness, Jeongmin's cheeks still turn a faint pink compared to the rest of his pale skin.
The temptation to drop his gaze out of sheer embarrassment is overwhelming, but he resists it. He has to know if there's even a hint of hesitation about the other - maybe he can quickly call it off then before he's in too far and starts to feel regret and guilt over forcing the other to do something he might not want to do. ] Have sex with me.. please.
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The idea itself makes logical sense to him too. Yunyeol's own body is a tool that he uses completely for Jeongmin's benefit.
But there is one that catches him completely off guard about it...and that's the "please".
Jeongmin should know that he never has to ask for anything at all. Everything of Yunyeol's belongs to him unconditionally...And so, Yunyeol isn't entirely sure how he feels about being asked like that. It's not a bad feeling at all...but it's still strange to be asked for the one thing he'd always knew he'd have to give. Maybe because he's never even thought of having a choice before...it was always just something that would happen.
But that's not to say he's upset, at all, about any of this. Yunyeol's always been accepting of his position...and in this case...he's always wanted to give Jeongmin anything he needs and more. There's nothing about this that feels like an obligation, no matter what he'd been taught in the past. And while Yunyeol knows well enough that he would never say "no"...he still knows that he wouldn't want to anyway.
So the surprise does show through on his face from that "please", even if it's only for a few seconds. And while the surprise is very genuine, there's still absolutely no sense of hesitation or reluctance in him anywhere either. He's never like that anyway...he's always eager to do anything Jeongmin asks of him- this included.
Yunyeol doesn't delay any longer after that- moving over to kneel beside Jeongmin and look up at him carefully.]
You don't need to ask me...of course I will.
[That word "please" is still ringing in his ears...and it makes Yunyeol wish, almost desperately, that he could do something more. Like reaching out, and taking one of the other's hands, just to add to the reassurance that he's completely willing. But even after a request like that, he still doesn't dare to move on his own...not without having a better understanding of exactly what Jeongmin wants from him tonight.
But at the very least, there's a little something more going on with him right now...It's happiness. Even if it's only showing in the smallest, subtlest gestures.... He's glad- knowing that he'll be able to use his own body to give the other more comfort, and pleasure for a change...Yunyeol can't help but think of how much Jeongmin deserves that. And how glad he is that he'll be the one to provide it to him.]
What would you like me to do...?
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But that's the scary part.. because it's different than those errands. It isn't something that's just needed because it's useful to Jeongmin, because it could make his body feel good. It's since he well and truly loves Jeongmin, a heavy warm feeling settling into his chest every time the thought comes across his mind. So he wants to feel more of that.. it his heart already beats its way out of his chest when they only just kiss, he can't even imagine what it will feel like to be that deeply connected with Jeongmin on an entirely different level.
But that doesn't necessarily mean that Yunyeol feels the same. But just for now, just for a moment, he tries to ban that thought of his mind. If he has to make believe to himself that the other loves him for a few moments, then he'll try his best.. it's not like there's a whole lot of moments of happiness to be had for someone with a life like Yunyeol's.
He leans forward a little bit - with the other being on a more similar level with him now, it's easier to lean forward and softly plant his lips against Yunyeol's in a kiss. It's just to remember the taste, and to remember the feeling that's slowly spreading through his body at the contact already. Even with how quiet and passive he is, Yunyeol is so kind and warm and..
When he pulls back a little bit, Jeongmin instinctively lets out a small sigh. ]
I'll let you take the lead. [ Something is different in his tone. It's been different a lot more lately, even if it's often a little more subtle than this.. but it's a lot less dismissive than it used to be. He always used to sound like he doesn't care about anything, but he can't pretend that in this case. Not now. He feels worry, excitement, comfort.. a lot of feeling that he hadn't experienced in a long time before Yunyeol came into his life.
It's why he's letting Yunyeol take the lead too. He wants to feel what it's like to have Yunyeol doing that for him - that, and Jeongmin is too afraid that his own body won't be strong enough if he'd try to take the lead, even though today wasn't a particularly bad day health-wise. Maybe someday in the future he'll attempt it, but he really doesn't want anything that awkward to happen during the very first time he has sex.
His gaze flutters down at the next part. It's a little harder to admit for a guy who's so used to seeming uncaring about everything, and it makes it harder to meet Yunyeol's gaze for another moment. ]
I.. This is my first time, so.. [ He sucks in a breath. ] Show me what it's like.
[ It's a little easier to put it that way. At least a little bit dismissive, even though Jeongmin wouldn't be fooling most people. Trying to at least make it seem a little like he just wants to experience sex, although it's much more about Yunyeol specifically than he makes it sound. ]
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The kiss makes him feel warmth blossoming in his chest, and it only grows as he listens to Jeongmin talk. It's all in the way he's talking too...already so different from any time before now. It's sweet...
He smiles, just a little bit- despite Jeongmin not looking at him right now, Yunyeol can't help it. Even Jeongmin admitting this would be his first time... it only makes Yunyeol happier too. Because that makes this special, doesn't it...? It feels like an honor to him, to be able to fulfill this role...and that only strengthens his resolve to do anything he can to please the other.]
I'd be happy to.
[And Yunyeol means it...there's a hint of the smile in his voice too, even if it's still a small one.
But now- Jeongmin will finally get to see his Yunyeol in a different light. Because while he wouldn't normally have a reason to be more active with the other...this is a different situation, after all. And since Jeongmin asked him for it directly, it doesn't feel quite so daunting.
This is one of those cases where it wouldn't do to keep pausing and asking for permission for acting out any little thing he wanted to do. Of course...that doesn't mean Yunyeol still won't be careful...he's always at least somewhat cautious, with everything he does. Except despite that, more than anything else he's done with Jeongmin before, taking the lead in sex will be a lot of Yunyeol's own choices.
So where there was restraint only a few moments ago...Yunyeol allows himself to be a little more forward- moving up to sit besides Jeongmin on the bed, and gently taking both of the other's hands like he'd wanted to a few moments ago. They're small gestures, but it's already a bit more than he normally does on his own...and it's a way for him to test it out first. But as long as Jeongmin seems fine, Yunyeol will only do more for him from here on out.
Still...he feels like he has to get one last word in, at the very least. Just as a precaution, of sorts...as obvious as it might sound. But his voice still sounds softer, and sweeter when he talks this time...and it's clear that he's not just quoting some line out of a manual he was taught. He's saying this because he wants to be sure of it-]
If you ever need me to do anything differently...please tell me.
[Even if that means him stopping completely. Yunyeol just wants Jeongmin to feel safe and comfortable with him, above all else.]
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It feels like he's imagining all of this. Or at least half of this. Maybe the thought of asking Yunyeol to have sex with him makes his heart pound so hard that it just knocked his frail body straight up unconscious, and he's dreaming all of this. Or maybe it's at least giving him hallucinations, making the tone of Yunyeol's voice sound so sweet, and makes a very tiny smile seem to be on Yunyeol's face, something he hasn't even seen that often...
That can't be real, right? Would Yunyeol really be that happy to have sex with the person who owned him? No matter how soft his kisses and touches were before, no matter how he held him while they were lying down in bed when Jeongmin asked for it.. it can't be real. It must all be him imagining things, imagining Yunyeol having feelings for him the same way he has feelings for the other.
But even if he would imagine all this, maybe it isn't too bad for the moment. If he can only let himself go for a moment and let himself feel good and happy tonight.. then he can worry about how delusional he might be or not tomorrow. For now he just wants to bask in the way Yunyeol taking his hands into his own without Jeongmin explictly having to ask for it makes his chest feel so warm..
He loves him so much. Somewhere between all the soft care Yunyeol gave him, Jeongmin really did fall in love with the other.. so much that even small things like this can make him feel much more excited than he should be. Maybe it's since he's so sheltered due to his illness, or maybe his illness has just done something weird to his brain, but he can't help it.
Jeongmin shakes his head a little. Not to tell Yunyeol off about anything, quite the opposite-- ]
Don't worry about it. [ Because he knows Yunyeol has Jeongmin's best interests always at the front of his mind. It's natural with the way Yunyeol has been raised, after all.. learning how to absolutely obey someone else, how to take care of them. How to put that other person's needs in front of his own. ] I trust you.
[ Yunyeol has never done anything he didn't want, after all. If anything, there were moments where he wished Yunyeol would do a little more.. go a little further. Kiss him a little more than just doing what Jeongmin asks for, take a little initiative.
But he too knows that also isn't part of the way Yunyeol was raised.
He lets out a soft breath, his gaze dropping to their joined hands for a moment before moving back up to Yunyeol's face. At least he's still trying to not seem overly into this.. not as much as he feels on the inside, after all. He'd look like a moron if he displayed the way his heart is racing right now to the other, especially since Yunyeol must just see this like a business sort of thing, just part of their bond as owner and owned. ]
So.. go ahead. I'm ready.
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It means that all of the smiles and all of the the tenderness to Yunyeol right now- it's all completely genuine. None of it is forced at all...but he has no idea that Jeongmin would ever doubt that. But that doesn't mean he stops now either...his smile actually widens a little when he hears the other boy's words of trust.
If anything...it might've been harder for him to not smile in a moment like this.
Yunyeol gives a small nod of acknowledgement to Jeongmin's last few words, and as he does, he raises one of his hands up- resting it softly against the other boy's cheek, then moving in to press an even softer kiss against his lips. The kiss itself doesn't feel too different from normal...but despite the fact that Jeongmin had asked for sex, he hadn't asked for a kiss. So this is the first one Yunyeol's given without explicit permission...and that in itself already feels a little different. But whether it's different or familiar, he'll never take a kiss with Jeongmin for granted.
While Yunyeol tilts his head- pressing more and more kisses onto Jeongmin's lips- his other hand shifts to start pushing the other boy down onto the bed. He's still taking it slow and soft for right now...wanting to help ease Jeongmin into everything. It's partially because of his sickness, partially because this is his first time...but also because he really wants Jeongmin to enjoy every moment of it. Even the smaller things now, while they're still getting started.
He knows that Jeongmin's body is in a state of pain so often...so Yunyeol wants to do all he can to give him the exact opposite of that.
And while he kisses him sweetly for a few more moments, he does want to give the other boy something beyond that too. Something new, that he hasn't experienced quiet yet...So he moves down- towards Jeongmin's neck soon after, and lays a trail of soft kisses all along it.
There's some obvious skill in everything he's doing...skills that he's learned throughout the course of his life. Even in little actions like these- he puts everything he has, and everything he's learned into them. Jeongmin doesn't deserve anything less than his absolute best, and so that's what Yunyeol will give him. Even as his hand moves to help Jeongmin position himself better onto the bed, he seems to do it without much difficulty.
He doesn't move to go too much further than this just yet- waiting to gauge Jeongmin's reaction, and making sure he's doing well enough for the other.]
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But when it's Yunyeol doing it, all of those protests somehow seem to vanish. Maybe it's the knowledge that no matter what the other is doing, he still belongs to Jeongmin.. he's still only acting upon commands given by Jeongmin, so he's still the one in charge.
Deep in his heart he knows it's different though. The reason why he doesn't feel angry at being laid down so softly on the bed is because it's Yunyeol. Because Yunyeol being near him is enough to make a warmth form in the pit of his chest, because Yunyeol makes him feel so oddly loved and wanted with the way he touches him and looks at him, caring for him so softly. Yunyeol isn't doing this because he pities him, but because he cares for him. (He still thinks it's not real though - but even as his own delusion, that works well enough for him in this moment.)
He moves along the best he can with the way Yunyeol's hands guide him onto the bed and to lie a little more comfortably.. his own hands slowly move up to cling to the other too - not too strong of a grasp, but it's still there all the same. Along with the soft sound that escapes his mouth when Yunyeol kisses his neck like that, no matter how softly it is. It just feels.. nice. He's so used to his body hurting and feeling like it's working against him, so the feeling of these kind of sensations on his skin instead feels like heaven opening just for him.
It's appreciated that Yunyeol is so practiced with this anyway. Jeongmin is so much of a virgin that he'd feel super unconfident about doing it if he himself had to take the lead, especially this first time, so for once it feels a little nice to be led and guided. He trusts Yunyeol.. and it's why the other's name softly moves across his lips. ]
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Yunyeol himself is just so naturally sweet and gentle anyway, that it's no different from how he'd be acting even if Jeongmin wasn't sick at all. Easing his way into things for both of them...figuring out what works, and what doesn't. Just...being careful, and loving.
At least, if there's anything Yunyeol does have some confidence in, it's that he'll be able to pleasure Jeongmin...and start finding the best ways to do so.
It's a little extra reassuring to feel Jeongmin's arms wrap around him like that...but nothing can compare to hearing the soft sound from the other boy's mouth...and then his own name in the same voice. A strange, almost sad aching sensation shoots through his chest and his stomach as soon as he hears it...and it makes Yunyeol start to press his kisses a little harder against Jeongmin's neck. Still not enough to be aggressive...just as if his actions are starting to grow in confidence too.
After a few more kisses, he moves one hand down tentatively- pressing it against the edge of Jeongmin's shirt, and gently sliding it up against his stomach. His skin feels so soft...and the warmth against his hand makes Yunyeol's heart swell with affection. He's just...so lucky to be able to be doing this. He can't get that out of his head. Even to be able to touch Jeongmin like this...his heart skips a few more beats just thinking about it.]
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Maybe it's the situation, the two of them being so intimate right now on purpose. It feels a little less like he's making Yunyeol babysit him and more like they could almost be equals if he didn't know better. Like they could just be two normal people in love. And there's nothing he wants more than that, especially with someone as soft and sweet as Yunyeol, someone who makes it so easy to believe that he might just naturally care about Jeongmin. (Even though wandering too far in that direction with his thoughts still feels terrifying.)
And exactly because all of this feels so different, it feels nice when he feels Yunyeol's hand start to move up his clothes while the other is still kissing him. This is exactly what he wants - feeling like he's being enveloped by Yunyeol. Drowning in the other's warmth, and forgetting what he usually feels like most of the time. The feeling makes him wiggle a little under the other, but it's not because he wants the other to stop. It's because it feels so nice that he just can't help himself, even in little ways like this.
His grip on the other tightens just a little bit, and as he realises Yunyeol might interpret the signals he's giving in a wrong way, he makes sure to at least address it out loud. ]
Touch me more.. please..
[ It definitely feels a little embarrassing to be this needy even though they've only just started, but it's not like Jeongmin hadn't imagined this sort of scenario plenty of times in his mind already. It makes him crave more of this quickly - wanting Yunyeol's hands to roam all over him, to make every spot of his body feel better than it ever has before. There's no way he can mutter those words while actually looking at the other though, so in that sense he's definitely glad Yunyeol is too preoccupied with planting kisses against his neck so there's no way to have eye contact. ]
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At least, aside from when Jeongmin talks again. As soon as those words are out, it feels like something's squeezing tightly around his heart. It's hard to imagine how he's going to make it through this in one piece if the person he belongs to keeps asking him "please" like that. It just makes Yunyeol want to give everything to him- more and more desperately.
And so...Yunyel lets a warm puff of breath against Jeongmin's neck before he starts to pull back. It's only for a moment- long enough to grab onto the bottom of the other's shirt and gently tug it the rest of the way off, then let it fall to the side of the bed. And as he was asked, Yunyeol moves back down- letting his hands travel all along Jeongmin's chest, his sides, his stomach...All the while he leans over to press kisses against him again- this time moving down to his collarbone, then over towards his shoulder.
This is different for Yunyeol too. Not even just different from the way he's touched Jeongmin before...there's an obvious difference this time. Even though, when he'd been helping his owner with being bathed or getting dressed, he always held him with a similar tenderness, it's just not the same as how intimate this is right now. That alone is special...But what's really different, is just...how all of this is starting out at all. Maybe they haven't gotten very far yet, but it's already such a major change from the experiences he's had with sex in his life up until now.
The life they'd prepared him for wasn't supposed to be anything like this. The sex he'd had before was always much harder- whether it was giving or receiving. Mostly because they needed to prepare him for a lifestyle like that- prepare him for the worst, mainly. Nothing like this...nothing so soft, and sweet and loving. Nothing where anything even made him feel...even remotely needed.]
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After all, his body is... well, it's not that great, is it? His skin is so pale from how much time he has to spend inside due to his illness that it makes him feel like a ghost sometimes when he looks into the mirror. He's pretty skinny and frail-looking, and being left without his clothes always makes him feel incredibly vulnerable. It's not that he doesn't trust Yunyeol - otherwise they wouldn't be in this position to begin with, he knows Yunyeol is incredibly loyal and gentle - but still letting Yunyeol see this, see his pale skin marred by scars from surgeries they tried on him for his illness in the past... He feels a little bad letting the other see just how terrible he looks, no matter whether it's during a moment Yunyeol is helping him or a moment when they're doing... well, this.
His heart starts pounding more rapidly in his chest with the fear that the other might find him repulsive. It's not like Yunyeol could ever say it even if he thought it, right? He couldn't just say that to the person that owns him. So those thoughts could be there, and Jeongmin would never even know about it..
But the touch on his skin is thankfully very distracting. Yunyeol's hands feel so good and warm on his bare skin, and the kisses are so sweet and gentle that he doesn't ever want this to stop. His body usually makes him feel so terrible, and this is one of the first times that it has ever made him feel anything close to good.
His breaths are long, but start to turn more shakey the more the other kisses and touches him. ]
Yunyeol...
[ Tell me you love me. Tell me I'm not just some pathetic guy you have to take care of. Tell me---
All things that go around in his head, but that he could never say since it'd be an absolute order if he did voice them out loud, and forced answers would be even worse than Yunyeol voicing the sentiments Jeongmin sometimes fears the other holds. ]
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But the heart of the matter here is simply that Jeongmin doesn't have to be afraid at all of Yunyeol's thoughts. He doesn't particularly have any strong sense of what's attractive to him or what's not to begin with...because he's never been allowed to have anything that he wants anyway. What he sees here is the body that belongs to the one person who's his entire world...the body that he does want to comfort...to hold, to protect, to make feel good. It's simply part of Jeongmin himself, and there isn't any part of him that Yunyeol doesn't care about fully.
Even if it doesn't occur to him that he could, or should say any of that...this is still the one opportunity where Yunyeol has a little more freedom in his actions. And so, even without necessarily realizing it, Yunyeol's still giving an answer, in a way.
The scars on Jeongmin's body don't go unnoticed, but Yunyeol doesn't shy away from them at all. He's not sure if his owner would want him to fixate on them at all or not, but it somehow feels wrong to just act like they're not there...He brushes his fingers over one of them in a way that's undeniably affectionate...and traces kisses along the scar afterwards.
Maybe it's pointless to think like this, since the scars themselves are obviously long healed by now, but...Yunyeol finds himself wishing he could've been there when Jeongmin had gotten them. It feels strange to go down along this train of thought too...but he really does wish he'd been here a lot sooner. By Jeongmin's side even when they were younger...always being there to help him through his pain. It feels like this is exactly where he's meant to be.]
I'm here, Jeongmin...
[He says it in a soft, sweet voice in a pause between kisses. It still feels strange to him to say Jeongmin's name...no matter the fact that the other had already given him permission to do so a while ago. Maybe it just seems a little bold, especially in a situation like this. But...Yunyeol knows he'd feel worse if he didn't say it in this case.]
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Maybe it's since he wants it to be true so badly, but he can't help but slip into the mindset that the other doesn't mind this. That Yunyeol isn't doing this against his own will because Jeongmin owns him and wants him to, but that he doesn't mind doing this with Jeongmin. That he wants Jeongmin to feel good.. that he wants him to be happy. He can't help but think of the times when the pain was almost too bad to bear and there was definitely worry in the other's eyes, in a way that felt too genuine to be faked.
Almost without thinking his hands move up to the other's head, his fingers digging into the other's hair - but there's nothing harsh about it. It isn't even due to lack of strength on Jeongmin's part, it's just that he really would never want to hurt the other. It's just a gentle touch, just his fingers brushing through the other's hair to have even more contact between them, to show Yunyeol that he does really like this. He likes not even just the physical part of this, but also the mental and emotional side.. the signs that Yunyeol really does care, especially when he's saying so sweetly that he's here with him.
It's almost overwhelming. His throat feels a little tight, and for a moment Jeongmin almost feels like he's going to cry like some sort of moron at all of Yunyeol's sweetness that's surrounding him, but he manages to at least hold that much back. Not that it does anything about the expression on his face seeming genuinely happy - and even a little hopeful. It's like he's at the edge of the cliff that is telling Yunyeol he loves him, but he doesn't dare to jump in just yet. But it's so close at Yunyeol's kisses, so close.. ]
You're so good at this.
[ His voice is soft too, but it's almost a little more mumbled, like he feels a bit embarrassed just saying it. Mostly since he left it at a surface level compliment, but there's more meaning behind it. It doesn't have anything to do with how well Yunyeol is trained or anything, it's nothing about the physical skills - it's about what he does to Jeongmin's heart without even realising it. ]