[ Jeongmin finds himself holding his breath as Yunyeol takes off his shirt. It's not as if the other has never seen him naked before - he knows Yunyeol has seen that up close enough times, all those times when he was too weak to even dress himself or take a proper bath. But despite the fact that there's really nothing new here about his body, he still can't help but feel a little nervous.
After all, his body is... well, it's not that great, is it? His skin is so pale from how much time he has to spend inside due to his illness that it makes him feel like a ghost sometimes when he looks into the mirror. He's pretty skinny and frail-looking, and being left without his clothes always makes him feel incredibly vulnerable. It's not that he doesn't trust Yunyeol - otherwise they wouldn't be in this position to begin with, he knows Yunyeol is incredibly loyal and gentle - but still letting Yunyeol see this, see his pale skin marred by scars from surgeries they tried on him for his illness in the past... He feels a little bad letting the other see just how terrible he looks, no matter whether it's during a moment Yunyeol is helping him or a moment when they're doing... well, this.
His heart starts pounding more rapidly in his chest with the fear that the other might find him repulsive. It's not like Yunyeol could ever say it even if he thought it, right? He couldn't just say that to the person that owns him. So those thoughts could be there, and Jeongmin would never even know about it..
But the touch on his skin is thankfully very distracting. Yunyeol's hands feel so good and warm on his bare skin, and the kisses are so sweet and gentle that he doesn't ever want this to stop. His body usually makes him feel so terrible, and this is one of the first times that it has ever made him feel anything close to good.
His breaths are long, but start to turn more shakey the more the other kisses and touches him. ]
Yunyeol...
[ Tell me you love me. Tell me I'm not just some pathetic guy you have to take care of. Tell me---
All things that go around in his head, but that he could never say since it'd be an absolute order if he did voice them out loud, and forced answers would be even worse than Yunyeol voicing the sentiments Jeongmin sometimes fears the other holds. ]
[If only there was some way Yunyeol could know what was going through Jeongmin's head...if only there was a way he could know about those fears and then try to alleviate them. But then again...if Jeongmin were to voice any of those fears, and Yunyeol answered...would Jeongmin know it was an honest answer? And not just him saying what he's supposed to say...? It would be better if Yunyeol could realize the other's feelings on his own...but he's still not socially skilled enough to know that there's anything like that going through his head right now. And even then, Yunyeol's often too reserved to say much unless he knows for sure he's allowed to speak.
But the heart of the matter here is simply that Jeongmin doesn't have to be afraid at all of Yunyeol's thoughts. He doesn't particularly have any strong sense of what's attractive to him or what's not to begin with...because he's never been allowed to have anything that he wants anyway. What he sees here is the body that belongs to the one person who's his entire world...the body that he does want to comfort...to hold, to protect, to make feel good. It's simply part of Jeongmin himself, and there isn't any part of him that Yunyeol doesn't care about fully.
Even if it doesn't occur to him that he could, or should say any of that...this is still the one opportunity where Yunyeol has a little more freedom in his actions. And so, even without necessarily realizing it, Yunyeol's still giving an answer, in a way.
The scars on Jeongmin's body don't go unnoticed, but Yunyeol doesn't shy away from them at all. He's not sure if his owner would want him to fixate on them at all or not, but it somehow feels wrong to just act like they're not there...He brushes his fingers over one of them in a way that's undeniably affectionate...and traces kisses along the scar afterwards.
Maybe it's pointless to think like this, since the scars themselves are obviously long healed by now, but...Yunyeol finds himself wishing he could've been there when Jeongmin had gotten them. It feels strange to go down along this train of thought too...but he really does wish he'd been here a lot sooner. By Jeongmin's side even when they were younger...always being there to help him through his pain. It feels like this is exactly where he's meant to be.]
I'm here, Jeongmin...
[He says it in a soft, sweet voice in a pause between kisses. It still feels strange to him to say Jeongmin's name...no matter the fact that the other had already given him permission to do so a while ago. Maybe it just seems a little bold, especially in a situation like this. But...Yunyeol knows he'd feel worse if he didn't say it in this case.]
[ The terrible feeling of dread in the pit of his stomach starts to eb away slightly when he feels Yunyeol's lips and fingers moving across his scars. It's not as if he's got direct confirmation that the other doesn't mind the scars, considering Yunyeol probably couldn't say anything about it anyway with the way he is.. but it really does feel like there's something loving in the touches, something softly affectionate. Jeongmin knows that they really did train Yunyeol well - to a ridiculous point where he really feels sorry for Yunyeol at times and wishes the other could at least speak up about what he feels a little more - but there's no way you can train someone to even ask their touch, right? Would affection be that easy to fake?
Maybe it's since he wants it to be true so badly, but he can't help but slip into the mindset that the other doesn't mind this. That Yunyeol isn't doing this against his own will because Jeongmin owns him and wants him to, but that he doesn't mind doing this with Jeongmin. That he wants Jeongmin to feel good.. that he wants him to be happy. He can't help but think of the times when the pain was almost too bad to bear and there was definitely worry in the other's eyes, in a way that felt too genuine to be faked.
Almost without thinking his hands move up to the other's head, his fingers digging into the other's hair - but there's nothing harsh about it. It isn't even due to lack of strength on Jeongmin's part, it's just that he really would never want to hurt the other. It's just a gentle touch, just his fingers brushing through the other's hair to have even more contact between them, to show Yunyeol that he does really like this. He likes not even just the physical part of this, but also the mental and emotional side.. the signs that Yunyeol really does care, especially when he's saying so sweetly that he's here with him.
It's almost overwhelming. His throat feels a little tight, and for a moment Jeongmin almost feels like he's going to cry like some sort of moron at all of Yunyeol's sweetness that's surrounding him, but he manages to at least hold that much back. Not that it does anything about the expression on his face seeming genuinely happy - and even a little hopeful. It's like he's at the edge of the cliff that is telling Yunyeol he loves him, but he doesn't dare to jump in just yet. But it's so close at Yunyeol's kisses, so close.. ]
You're so good at this.
[ His voice is soft too, but it's almost a little more mumbled, like he feels a bit embarrassed just saying it. Mostly since he left it at a surface level compliment, but there's more meaning behind it. It doesn't have anything to do with how well Yunyeol is trained or anything, it's nothing about the physical skills - it's about what he does to Jeongmin's heart without even realising it. ]
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After all, his body is... well, it's not that great, is it? His skin is so pale from how much time he has to spend inside due to his illness that it makes him feel like a ghost sometimes when he looks into the mirror. He's pretty skinny and frail-looking, and being left without his clothes always makes him feel incredibly vulnerable. It's not that he doesn't trust Yunyeol - otherwise they wouldn't be in this position to begin with, he knows Yunyeol is incredibly loyal and gentle - but still letting Yunyeol see this, see his pale skin marred by scars from surgeries they tried on him for his illness in the past... He feels a little bad letting the other see just how terrible he looks, no matter whether it's during a moment Yunyeol is helping him or a moment when they're doing... well, this.
His heart starts pounding more rapidly in his chest with the fear that the other might find him repulsive. It's not like Yunyeol could ever say it even if he thought it, right? He couldn't just say that to the person that owns him. So those thoughts could be there, and Jeongmin would never even know about it..
But the touch on his skin is thankfully very distracting. Yunyeol's hands feel so good and warm on his bare skin, and the kisses are so sweet and gentle that he doesn't ever want this to stop. His body usually makes him feel so terrible, and this is one of the first times that it has ever made him feel anything close to good.
His breaths are long, but start to turn more shakey the more the other kisses and touches him. ]
Yunyeol...
[ Tell me you love me. Tell me I'm not just some pathetic guy you have to take care of. Tell me---
All things that go around in his head, but that he could never say since it'd be an absolute order if he did voice them out loud, and forced answers would be even worse than Yunyeol voicing the sentiments Jeongmin sometimes fears the other holds. ]
no subject
But the heart of the matter here is simply that Jeongmin doesn't have to be afraid at all of Yunyeol's thoughts. He doesn't particularly have any strong sense of what's attractive to him or what's not to begin with...because he's never been allowed to have anything that he wants anyway. What he sees here is the body that belongs to the one person who's his entire world...the body that he does want to comfort...to hold, to protect, to make feel good. It's simply part of Jeongmin himself, and there isn't any part of him that Yunyeol doesn't care about fully.
Even if it doesn't occur to him that he could, or should say any of that...this is still the one opportunity where Yunyeol has a little more freedom in his actions. And so, even without necessarily realizing it, Yunyeol's still giving an answer, in a way.
The scars on Jeongmin's body don't go unnoticed, but Yunyeol doesn't shy away from them at all. He's not sure if his owner would want him to fixate on them at all or not, but it somehow feels wrong to just act like they're not there...He brushes his fingers over one of them in a way that's undeniably affectionate...and traces kisses along the scar afterwards.
Maybe it's pointless to think like this, since the scars themselves are obviously long healed by now, but...Yunyeol finds himself wishing he could've been there when Jeongmin had gotten them. It feels strange to go down along this train of thought too...but he really does wish he'd been here a lot sooner. By Jeongmin's side even when they were younger...always being there to help him through his pain. It feels like this is exactly where he's meant to be.]
I'm here, Jeongmin...
[He says it in a soft, sweet voice in a pause between kisses. It still feels strange to him to say Jeongmin's name...no matter the fact that the other had already given him permission to do so a while ago. Maybe it just seems a little bold, especially in a situation like this. But...Yunyeol knows he'd feel worse if he didn't say it in this case.]
no subject
Maybe it's since he wants it to be true so badly, but he can't help but slip into the mindset that the other doesn't mind this. That Yunyeol isn't doing this against his own will because Jeongmin owns him and wants him to, but that he doesn't mind doing this with Jeongmin. That he wants Jeongmin to feel good.. that he wants him to be happy. He can't help but think of the times when the pain was almost too bad to bear and there was definitely worry in the other's eyes, in a way that felt too genuine to be faked.
Almost without thinking his hands move up to the other's head, his fingers digging into the other's hair - but there's nothing harsh about it. It isn't even due to lack of strength on Jeongmin's part, it's just that he really would never want to hurt the other. It's just a gentle touch, just his fingers brushing through the other's hair to have even more contact between them, to show Yunyeol that he does really like this. He likes not even just the physical part of this, but also the mental and emotional side.. the signs that Yunyeol really does care, especially when he's saying so sweetly that he's here with him.
It's almost overwhelming. His throat feels a little tight, and for a moment Jeongmin almost feels like he's going to cry like some sort of moron at all of Yunyeol's sweetness that's surrounding him, but he manages to at least hold that much back. Not that it does anything about the expression on his face seeming genuinely happy - and even a little hopeful. It's like he's at the edge of the cliff that is telling Yunyeol he loves him, but he doesn't dare to jump in just yet. But it's so close at Yunyeol's kisses, so close.. ]
You're so good at this.
[ His voice is soft too, but it's almost a little more mumbled, like he feels a bit embarrassed just saying it. Mostly since he left it at a surface level compliment, but there's more meaning behind it. It doesn't have anything to do with how well Yunyeol is trained or anything, it's nothing about the physical skills - it's about what he does to Jeongmin's heart without even realising it. ]