[When the four of them were together, Souma often thought of himself as the least intelligent. It wasn't really a self-deprecating thing, so much as a likely fact. Shuusuke was... Shuusuke. And for all their drama and silliness, Haku and Eiri had specialized skills that Souma couldn't imagine how to go about accomplishing similar things. A lot of what he has is due to determination more than anything else. Back when he'd been a normal guy he'd tried out a lot of hobbies, rarely found a natural inclination for any of them, but kept them up because they were fun.
All the same, he's good at reading body language, he's good at deciphering the tone of a conversation. It's probably why they have him going undercover so often. And he can use this for much nobler ends, too. Like watching Haku now, and knowing for certain that he's relaxing by increments.
This goofy back and forth reminds him of those acrimonious weeks before Eiri had been shot. Haku had rarely confided anything to Souma, but it had been possible to coax smiles out of him. Usually this was accomplished via long, joking conversations that spun out pleasant, impossible fantasies. Sometimes he'd made puns that would make Shuusuke muffle a frustrated scream (if he was around), and Haku sometimes laughed, sometimes rambled on about the etymology of some word.
It was hard, sometimes, admitting you couldn't do much for anyone (Haku and Eiri's struggles were such that they had to be worked out between the two of them alone.) All you could do was ease someone's burden a little.
Souma has no talent at all for admitting that he can't do anything.]
A cabin in the forest sounds nice. [Also a bit fairy tale-ish, but that's always suited Haku, somehow.] Would you want to go up north in Japan, or further afield? In Iceland, maybe? [They were nice and neutral] Or Norway, maybe? Or... what places have a good view of the northern lights?
[He almost invoked Eiri and how he would like those but, somehow, it feels like that name belongs to Haku.]
Oh, visiting our island wouldn't be a problem. If you live close to the shore and you have a boat you could just come sail to us. Or we could sail to you. Or meet halfway.
[ He can't help but think any of those places would be fine. As long as it's together with Eiri, anywhere would be fine to begin with, anyway. Besides, it's just.. silly dreams, imaginations of what a perfect life would be like. Away from all their duties, away from the fact that they all have to stay seperated and even the fact he managed to join Souma for a mission is a small miracle in itself.
Maybe it's that thought. Maybe it's that thought combined with those final words Souma says. Meeting halfway.. it really makes him think of all their interactions before. They feel like so long ago now, almost like a different lifetime. Like he died and was reborn when Eiri finally woke up from his sleep after the Higayama incident. Like the walls around him were still there, but cracked in some areas that would be impossible to ever rebuild.
And they still haven't fully been rebuild. Because those words actually make Haku think -- consider.
It's never really been about meeting halfway between the two of them. Sometimes it was, but Haku thinks there's never really been any moments where he reached out to Souma harder than the other reached out to him. It was Souma who initiated contact between them, kept pushing (although always in that typical Souma-like way). Souma did so much, and sometimes he didn't even bother to meet the other halfway, keeping himself sealed off.
He can't forever do that. A lot of things have changed, but.. maybe it means he should try a little harder too. Even if it's terrifying and out of his comfort zone, maybe it can be just a little better for him in the end.
And he sure trusts Souma a lot more with it than any therapist the Church could have sent his way - if they had ever even bothered.
It's time for him to reach out first for once. Because he can feel the questions hanging as heavily in the air as Souma's concern seems to weigh on him - almost like it's visible, a heavy cloud trying to weigh down on the sunshine that Souma has always naturally emitted in Haku's eyes. ]
.. Souma.
[ The way he says the other's name already makes it very clear that he isn't just talking about islands. This isn't about trivial scenarios, it's-- ]
Right now.. do you want to meet halfway? [ Because maybe if Souma gives that explicit permission, then maybe he can peel open what he's been tucking away carefully just a little bit. Since at least there's one thing that rings true under it all.. Souma has never judged him for any of his terribly bad and dark emotions. He's seen some of the worst parts of him, and he's still here. So even if it's difficult - maybe he can try. Maybe it'll be for the best. ]
[It feels like Haku is quiet for a very long time.
Though maybe Souma is just imagining that. With a lot of people, that degree of silence usually implies a lot of not so great things. In this case, Souma would worry his joking around had totally struck out. He'd worry he was being glib at best, or offensive at worst.
Haku was a bit different, though. Sometimes his silences seemed to mean he was berating himself more than anyone else. Other times- like right now- he just seems seems like a person carefully considering terribly important things.
Souma would never dream of asking Haku to hurry it up in a case like this. Whenever Haku got like this, he'd inevitably say something that was worth waiting for. Back in Sakura, Souma had scolded a fair number of people for saying Haku only spoke nonsense. That was just demonstrably false.
When Haku's question comes, though, Souma is almost winded by it. Just a few brief words, but a lot seems to be implied. Some things Souma can guess at. Other things elude him.]
Sure. You pick the place, and I'll meet you there.
[Maybe they'd sound silly to anyone that overheard them. It doesn't matter. This had been how he and Haku tended to communicate in the past. It feels a little like returning to a home they'd never get to see again. Which makes it into a small kind of miracle.]
[ Often he feels so grateful towards Souma that he doesn't know how to put it into words - let alone how to ever start repaying the other for everything he does. Even though Souma says so very little, just those few words, it feels more comforting than most things could be in this situation. Souma has never pushed him away, despite his problems, despite his rumored jinx. He's always been like this.. accepting, patiently waiting.
It makes it a little easier to talk. Not that it still isn't hard, but whereas there's usually a wall between him and the ability to open up about anything that he can't quite get over, it feels more like a fence that he can actually climb.
Not about his brother though-- not right away. It's the most raw and sore spot of this all. Like jumping to the peak of a mountain without having hiked there first, it's just impossible. It feels easier to speak about the smaller issue in the face of all this. (Even though thinking of it as "small", even relatively so, feels sadly laughable.) ]
During our graduation mission. [ The source of everything that made him the most miserable he'd ever felt, even if it did end with some relief, yet also some pain that isn't entirely sure how to heal.
His gaze drops, thinking about how to word things, fingers nervously picking at nothing in particular. Even just thinking about this feels heavy, almost as if he's going through the emotions of the moment all over again. ]
I lost contact with Eiri while we were working on a part of that mission. They told me he died. [ It's the easiest first topic to brace, because he knows it's something Souma will understand. The misery and the anger Haku felt, the way he yelled about it to Kamikita.. Haku usually stayed quiet during moments the others actually got mad at their superiors - Souma most of all, but he's noticed moments of it with Eiri, glances of it with Shuusuke. Souma would have understood his outbursts, that's one thing Haku does know for sure.
Still, it forces him to take a deep breath, the thought making his chest feel tight all over again. ] It was the Church's plan.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
no subject
All the same, he's good at reading body language, he's good at deciphering the tone of a conversation. It's probably why they have him going undercover so often. And he can use this for much nobler ends, too. Like watching Haku now, and knowing for certain that he's relaxing by increments.
This goofy back and forth reminds him of those acrimonious weeks before Eiri had been shot. Haku had rarely confided anything to Souma, but it had been possible to coax smiles out of him. Usually this was accomplished via long, joking conversations that spun out pleasant, impossible fantasies. Sometimes he'd made puns that would make Shuusuke muffle a frustrated scream (if he was around), and Haku sometimes laughed, sometimes rambled on about the etymology of some word.
It was hard, sometimes, admitting you couldn't do much for anyone (Haku and Eiri's struggles were such that they had to be worked out between the two of them alone.) All you could do was ease someone's burden a little.
Souma has no talent at all for admitting that he can't do anything.]
A cabin in the forest sounds nice. [Also a bit fairy tale-ish, but that's always suited Haku, somehow.] Would you want to go up north in Japan, or further afield? In Iceland, maybe? [They were nice and neutral] Or Norway, maybe? Or... what places have a good view of the northern lights?
[He almost invoked Eiri and how he would like those but, somehow, it feels like that name belongs to Haku.]
Oh, visiting our island wouldn't be a problem. If you live close to the shore and you have a boat you could just come sail to us. Or we could sail to you. Or meet halfway.
[Meeting halfway was always nice.]
no subject
Maybe it's that thought. Maybe it's that thought combined with those final words Souma says. Meeting halfway.. it really makes him think of all their interactions before. They feel like so long ago now, almost like a different lifetime. Like he died and was reborn when Eiri finally woke up from his sleep after the Higayama incident. Like the walls around him were still there, but cracked in some areas that would be impossible to ever rebuild.
And they still haven't fully been rebuild. Because those words actually make Haku think -- consider.
It's never really been about meeting halfway between the two of them. Sometimes it was, but Haku thinks there's never really been any moments where he reached out to Souma harder than the other reached out to him. It was Souma who initiated contact between them, kept pushing (although always in that typical Souma-like way). Souma did so much, and sometimes he didn't even bother to meet the other halfway, keeping himself sealed off.
He can't forever do that. A lot of things have changed, but.. maybe it means he should try a little harder too. Even if it's terrifying and out of his comfort zone, maybe it can be just a little better for him in the end.
And he sure trusts Souma a lot more with it than any therapist the Church could have sent his way - if they had ever even bothered.
It's time for him to reach out first for once. Because he can feel the questions hanging as heavily in the air as Souma's concern seems to weigh on him - almost like it's visible, a heavy cloud trying to weigh down on the sunshine that Souma has always naturally emitted in Haku's eyes. ]
.. Souma.
[ The way he says the other's name already makes it very clear that he isn't just talking about islands. This isn't about trivial scenarios, it's-- ]
Right now.. do you want to meet halfway? [ Because maybe if Souma gives that explicit permission, then maybe he can peel open what he's been tucking away carefully just a little bit. Since at least there's one thing that rings true under it all.. Souma has never judged him for any of his terribly bad and dark emotions. He's seen some of the worst parts of him, and he's still here. So even if it's difficult - maybe he can try. Maybe it'll be for the best. ]
no subject
Though maybe Souma is just imagining that. With a lot of people, that degree of silence usually implies a lot of not so great things. In this case, Souma would worry his joking around had totally struck out. He'd worry he was being glib at best, or offensive at worst.
Haku was a bit different, though. Sometimes his silences seemed to mean he was berating himself more than anyone else. Other times- like right now- he just seems seems like a person carefully considering terribly important things.
Souma would never dream of asking Haku to hurry it up in a case like this. Whenever Haku got like this, he'd inevitably say something that was worth waiting for. Back in Sakura, Souma had scolded a fair number of people for saying Haku only spoke nonsense. That was just demonstrably false.
When Haku's question comes, though, Souma is almost winded by it. Just a few brief words, but a lot seems to be implied. Some things Souma can guess at. Other things elude him.]
Sure. You pick the place, and I'll meet you there.
[Maybe they'd sound silly to anyone that overheard them. It doesn't matter. This had been how he and Haku tended to communicate in the past. It feels a little like returning to a home they'd never get to see again. Which makes it into a small kind of miracle.]
no subject
It makes it a little easier to talk. Not that it still isn't hard, but whereas there's usually a wall between him and the ability to open up about anything that he can't quite get over, it feels more like a fence that he can actually climb.
Not about his brother though-- not right away. It's the most raw and sore spot of this all. Like jumping to the peak of a mountain without having hiked there first, it's just impossible. It feels easier to speak about the smaller issue in the face of all this. (Even though thinking of it as "small", even relatively so, feels sadly laughable.) ]
During our graduation mission. [ The source of everything that made him the most miserable he'd ever felt, even if it did end with some relief, yet also some pain that isn't entirely sure how to heal.
His gaze drops, thinking about how to word things, fingers nervously picking at nothing in particular. Even just thinking about this feels heavy, almost as if he's going through the emotions of the moment all over again. ]
I lost contact with Eiri while we were working on a part of that mission. They told me he died. [ It's the easiest first topic to brace, because he knows it's something Souma will understand. The misery and the anger Haku felt, the way he yelled about it to Kamikita.. Haku usually stayed quiet during moments the others actually got mad at their superiors - Souma most of all, but he's noticed moments of it with Eiri, glances of it with Shuusuke. Souma would have understood his outbursts, that's one thing Haku does know for sure.
Still, it forces him to take a deep breath, the thought making his chest feel tight all over again. ] It was the Church's plan.