[ It's still odd to him, being alone on a mission like this. At least Haku knows that he hasn't been seperated from Eiri by the vast uncrossable void known as death, that Eiri is still alive somewhere, still fighting on, still probably yelling at whoever he's forced to work with at any given time. Eiri is out there somewhere, just as lively as he always is, and his jinx will keep him from dying. (And Haku's own jinx will no longer have any influence on him, since his brother-- no, Serizawa is dead. But he prefers to not think about it for too long, since it makes him feel like a black hole starts to form in his stomach, sucking everything out of him. Shove it away, deal with it later, it's always been his way of coping anyway.)
But it still means Haku is here alone. He took a plane alone to some place he's never been before, he got there by himself, made the way to the hotel by himself.. sure, he's apparently supposed to meet someone in this hotel room who he's going to have to work together with for his current mission, but it doesn't really matter, he thinks. It's still not Eiri, which means that - with Haku, even now, even though he's gotten a little better after getting some of that emotional trauma out and surpressing whatever still lingers - there's going to be more of a distance. It's not the same, even if it's better than being entirely alone and left to the mercy of his mind and its thoughts.
Dragging just a simple bag with him, Haku slouches through the hallway of the hotel, dragging himself up the stairs to where the room is supposed to be. But after sliding the keycard through the room's door and opening it, he freezes, his posture straightening a bit.
Not since there's a superior or anything (let's be real, it's not as if Haku really cares either way about that sort of thing) but since the person that's waiting for him in there is actually really familiar.
Someone he didn't think he would ever even seen again. Someone he had already said goodbye to (and goodbye in the Church means goodbye, it means readying yourself to lose someone from your life permanently, Haku knows that better than anyone else), but still hadn't been able to help but think of at times.
It manages to catch him off guard more than any enemy could, and Haku just stands there in the entrance to the hotel room, eyes widened. ]
Souma.. [ Even the name escapes from his lips more automatically than anything else - like his brains need a moment to catch up to this development. This isn't possible, is it? ]
[ Carving out isolated instances of happiness, small moments of peace. Nowadays this is what contentment looks like, for Souma.
Back when he was training, graduation had always been the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. It wasn't hope, exactly. Definitely not the expectation of reprieve. And, sure, they all knew once Sakura has you, you're part of Sakura for life (after you're declared an 'endangered missing, presumed dead' kind of person, it's safe to say all your bridges have been burned. Souma used to have elaborate fantasies about how it would be to return to family and old friends, giving them the happiest surprise of their life. Somehow, those fantasies had died around the same time Haruki did.)
But graduation was the end. Or so it had seemed. A complete cessation of the daily pattern. And sometimes, when you're life has changed completely, when you're so homesick you're nauseous, any change at all looks good.
But, when he got out out of headquarters, it became obvious- almost laughably so- that this wasn't an end at all. He's still subject to orders, still tossed about from task to task, still not always sure how he's going to make it. But the more he sees of the world (and he does see the world, no matter how Sakura tries to isolate them) the more he realizes this is practically everyone's life. No matter whether you work for a secretive special ops organization, or you have a cubicle and are bossed around by a petty tyrant mid-level boss.
He can be beholden to these outside forces, or he can try to make certain parts of the the day into something that's completely his own. There are people who set down roots in Sakura. There are some people who do good, even within this fucked up system. Maybe, one day, he can be like that too.
Until then, Souma enjoys what he can. He likes how he's outside a lot more again; very few windowless rooms these days. He was ecstatic that the last mission he was on helped rescue some children. And, today, he decided to enjoy the drive to where he's staying. Now that he's in the room, he's decided he likes it, too. It's nothing fancy, and there are better hotels, with better memories. But it makes Souma think of when he was a kid, and going on a vacation was the most exciting thing in the world. It made every hotel he stayed in seem horribly exciting, even when it wasn't.
There's a clicking sound just outside the room, which means his latest partner is here. Souma's done a few missions on his own, and a few with other people. Some of those partnerships had been successful, and some had not. But he's decided he likes the variety (even if sometimes he gets so wistful he texts Shuusuke's old phone number for the hell of it. The messages always bounce back, but that makes it easier to say certain things.)
Then the door swings open and... Well.]
You're... are you really... Whoa. Hi! Hello, Haku.
[ It's kind of like flipping through the tv, passing through snippets of conversations. Different outbursts of emotion. He can't seem to settle on any one sentence.
Haku is tall, of course, but that's usual. That lighter shade of hair is a surprise, though. It emphasizes Haku's youth, but also all the dark angles of his face. This reunion is like picking at a hard scab until it bleeds, seeing that the skin below is raw and new, and realizing that it's not healed at all. Except instead of pain, Souma feels love.
(Okay, there's a fair amount of pain, too. Because here's the thing Souma's kept almost entirely; when the time for graduation finally came, he hadn't felt relief at all. Mostly, he'd felt guilt.) ]
[ As disjointed as Souma's own reply is, Haku's comes with some weird form of delay. A kind of delay where he just mostly stares at the other before he slowly bends his head in something that'd resemble a nod if it wasn't for the fact that it seems so absent, like he's hardly even thinking about it.
Because his thoughts are somewhere else, all over the place. It really is Souma, the reaction only reinforces that (so full of energy in its own way, strangely genuine in the way it goes across attitudes - because it's easier to read into it as that than it is to read it as emotions). But that means he's facing Souma again, and in a sense, he wasn't prepared for that.
Their last meeting, their farewell.. it'd been a little bit messy. By Haku standards, anyway. At the time it had seemed fine (and almost impossible not to) to show a little more emotion. To let Souma see a little bit more of the sides of him that feel like a puzzle where the pieces don't entirely fit right together. To show Souma that he meant something to him, to let him feel how much he'd miss his presence.
(Because Haku has found that there's not much of a difference between leaving and dying, other than the lack of guilt that consumes you every time you think about it. But it still feels hollow.)
He'd never thought of facing Souma again. If he had, would he have been able to pour everything out in that hug the way he had back then? And how the hell is he supposed to deal with mixing any of the stuff that's happened in the months before his graduation into it? ]
.. yeah.
[ The verbal version of the nod comes even slower after the gesture, and his bag ends up on the floor in a gesture that's half putting down, half dropping. Like it's an extra weight he just can't deal with right now.
The only instinctive initial way of coping with not knowing what to do is by just listing basic facts - responses he doesn't have to think too deeply about. ]
Eiri and I.. both of us.
[ Usually it wouldn't be a necessary distinction to make since no one can graduate without their Messiah, but for anyone who knows Haku's jinx, and even more for anyone who just knows Haku beyond that, it's an important one. That Eiri's just as alright as either of them are (is that really alright?) and somewhere out there. That he didn't die. Because it's not like he's never seen either Shuusuke or Souma stare at his midget Messiah with worry in their eyes before. ]
Yes, it's good that Haku is alive and physically well (miraculously, given the amount of candy he probably consumes, even know.) But the more Haku talks- or doesn't talk- the more it becomes obvious that some terrible things had happened during their time apart. Souma knows this must be the case, because Haku had been just this stilted and aloof the first time they'd met. It had been on the heels of his second Messiah's death. Officially, no one talked much about the comrades that had died, though most people knew someone who had. However, the deaths of Haku's Messiahs had achieved near urban legend status. Everyone seemed to know how their bodies had been discovered, and the state they had been in. (Though, everyone also seemed to express slightly different "facts" about what had actually happened.)
Everyone was in agreement about Haku's curse, though.
So Haku had sought the guy out. He wasn't a stalker about it. Mostly it was just a friendly 'hello' here. Idle small talk there. And for the longest time Haku had acted like Souma had been speaking in ancient Sumerian. Not just a foreign language, but something long dead.
Therefore, theirs was a slow-building friendship. One that had been built up brick by brick, mostly in seemingly insubstantial conversations. He didn't quite realize how successful he had become until after he'd been rescued from that kidnapping. Mostly, Haku had been rightfully concerned about Eiri overall. But there had been a few moments where it became obvious that Haku had also worried that his curse had somehow rubbed off on Souma too. And Souma had refrained from saying that, even if that even if that was true, Haku is someone he wouldn't mind dying for.
And when Souma had left. Sure, it was part of the rules, but he had still left He had known he was leaving Haku in a terrible environment. The guilt has never left him, but now it comes flaring back, bitter and all-consuming.]
So Eiri's out there kicking someone's ass, huh? Glad to hear it.
[Strangely, despite everything, Souma's never been worried about Eiri in quite the same way. He's heard bits and pieces here, and has known that Eiri's also had a difficult life. But he also seems to bounce back in ways that Haku can't quite manage. It's like his spirit is as indomitable as his body. (Though Souma knows that if Eiri was here right now, he'd still be scrutinizing the guy for signs of trauma, too.)
They had to have had a grueling graduation mission. That was just par for the course. He's heard (and been involved in) speculation on why the graduation missions are always such mental torture. Many Sakura members have convoluted ideas about that, but Souma thinks the reason is wholly obvious; if you're training someone to be a lone, secret agent, you have can't have them pining for someone else. Not even a mandated partner who becomes someone you know like the back of your hand.
It's needlessly cruel, and Haku's whole life has been comprised of the needlessly cruel.
Oh well. A lot of the progress he's made with Haku has been leveled. Smashed to smithereens, probably. He can only hope the foundation is still there. Because, yes, he wants to complete this mission with Haku. But he also cares about him as a person, and hopes he doesn't leave him worse for the wear.]
So... Got any idea on what they're going to have us do?.
[He keeps his tone light and jovial, though not flippant. Haku's clearly not in a mood for any probing questions yet, and Souma has always been inclined to respect that.]
[ There's some part of Haku that's vaguely conscious as well of the fact that this is very much like their earlier interactions - back when he was shutting Souma out from the sheer fear that something would happen to anyone he'd go beyond vaguely interacting with, from the belief that no one cared anyway and that he himself was more than content to keep it that way if it meant no one would get hurt. Not him, not others.
This is different. This isn't shutting Souma out as much as it's him not knowing how to handle any of this. It's like Souma's kindness is hitting him all over again, except this time it's more the memory of it than the actual kindness itself. It's the memories of laughing with the four of them during a time that now feels like it's a lifetime away. Souma is so much just.. Souma, so much the usual, that it almost hurts.
So Haku squares his shoulders and straightens himself a little when he hears that question, letting him slip back into a mode that's a little more comfortable. ]
Infiltrating, most likely. They told me to bring the usual.
[ He nudges the bag that was unceremoniously dropped at his feet a little with one of said feet - no doubt there's probably not much more in there than at least 5 uniforms of different organisations with masks included and at least three dozen juice boxes.
Disguising has always been an easy talent for him. What do you expect? When you're so busy putting on masks your entire life for every given moment, slipping into another persona entirely becomes like a second nature, even if it includes also changing your way of moving and voice. Haku hardly even has to think to do it.
He's doing the same even now, after all. Adapting the very familiar mission attitude that he's slipped into so many times - a mask that's stretched out to match himself from how often he's worn it. Because talking about the mission allows him to not think for a moment or two about how the hell he's supposed to present himself in front of Souma now, after their goodbye, after his graduation mission, after everything.
Dropping to sit on the bed with a loud creak, Haku's hand moves into his pocket, and a moment later he's already removing a wrapper with some foreign text from a chocolate bar before sticking it into his mouth, discarding the wrapper itself on the ground as he's done many times before.
(It'd look casual to most people, but it's honestly just to give his hands something to fidget with in the middle of a nervous breakdown.)
There's a few moments of just chewing before he even gathers up the energy and courage to look in Souma's direction again.
It's not right. It doesn't feel right, just adapting that mask and then only dealing with Souma that way. Not when - oddly enough, considering it's not something he's felt that often the past few years especially - he feels like he wants to say more, do more. He feels himself wanting to connect with Souma again, especially after the most significant bond in his life has been distanced from him as well.
He's lonely, really, but Haku's never known to put that word to his situation.
Souma's always been good about reaching out, but it feels unfair to make him have to do all the work here. After swallowing a careful bite, Haku speaks up again. ]
.. how have you been?
[ It might be small pleasantries in any other situation, but even this much already takes effort to get out. Because there's a lot more in it. There's the worry for Souma considering the kind of work they do (hell, he doesn't even know if Souma has had contact with Shuusuke at all or if he's just doing that well even without the other - it's always been hard to tell, especially when Souma's seemed like such a consistently strong person to Haku). There's the question about whether Souma has ever thought of him all this time the way Haku has spent nights lying awake while thinking about how Shuusuke and Souma got swallowed up into the black void known as loss that seems to accompany him anywhere he goes.
There's a lot. And there's even more Haku wants to say about the things that have happened and about things he feels, but if this much is already so hard, everything else feels far beyond him. ]
[Haku drops some of the conversational bait, just as Souma predicted. That’s fine, even if it’s a little sad. Souma has- had friends where they could pick up where they left off, even if time and years had separated them. He also has- had friends who were aloof, and careful with their affections. Haku was a bit more extreme than the latter group, but Souma knows not to be offended.
So he watches, and follows. He’s fine with letting his loved ones set the pace and tone of a conversation, if that’s what’s needed. Haku straightening his shoulders, and slipping into a professional mode hits him hard, though. More so than expected. Back in headquarters, Souma had grieved and been a little awed by Haku’s ability to switch into this particular demeanor. It had been hard to watch, because Haku is so very young, still, and this tic seems to be something well-practiced, and honed over the years. Just one gesture, and Souma knows Haku has not had much of a childhood.
But it’s not all bad. For someone so accustomed to self-denial, Haku has a lot of pride. He’s good at his job, and Souma is glad that Haku knows this at least.]
Wow. This takes me back.
[So much for formality. Souma crouches down a little. It’s a very familiar bag, even though probably not the same one as they used in joint missions. He can guess at all its contents, though. The disguises, the juice boxes. Moreover, he can remember all the times a bag like this would be hoisted onto Eiri, dwarfing him further. He remembers how Eiri would start yelling about it immediately. Or he’d accept it, until he’d remember he was supposed to be mad. And then he’d yell.
Souma won’t talk about Eiri, though. He’s noticed that Haku side-stepped Souma’s observations about what Eiri might be doing now. Again; Haku needs to take the lead.
He pulls himself back to his feet as Haku moves over to the bed. Opening a candy wrapper should be routine, at this point, but Haku takes longer than Souma expects. He wonders if there’s minute trembling coiled in Haku’s hands. He wonders about Haku’s heart rate right now.]
I’ve been doing okay.
[It’s hard to read anything in Haku’s eyes, ever, but sometimes it’s easy to worry he idealizes Souma a little too much. Reading strength into what’s just scrappiness, and brashness. So he tests the waters a little.]
Hah, actually… Honestly, it’s been a little hard to adjust. There’s no time to watch hero shows, after all.
[He wonders if that last bit lands the way it should. Is it presumptuous? Or does it temper the previous statement, letter Haku know he doesn’t have to spill his guts immediately. Only time will tell.]
[ Hero shows. Those words take him back, and he chews just a little bit more slowly on the chocolate in his mouth. They're words of warmer times - even though the time after Eiri had been shot by Higayama was one of the most difficult parts of his life, it had been made bearable through the people around him. Souma, mostly - and Shuusuke, to a lesser degree, since those two just always somehow worked in tandem. Souma watching those shows with him until his hands no longer nervously fiddled with juice boxes from the fear and uncertainty. Shuusuke joining in, sometimes, a little more quiet and amused than Souma, who was always very involved. When Eiri had gotten well enough to sit up in bed again, they brought an episode to him, and despite his grumblings about them bringing him nonsensical things first thing, they still all watched together. Times of warmth and company, times of things clicking more neatly into place than they ever had in his life. No matter whether it was the rare occasion of the four of them watching or just him with Souma - it just felt right. Complete.
It feels like ages ago now. Another lifetime. And it's with that thought that it hits him extra hard yet again.
He's missed Souma.
Not that having Eiri there wasn't enough. Eiri was - is - the most important to him, the light in his life, the thing that gave him the strength to live on even when he wanted to die the most. Pulling Eiri into his arms in bed as his Messiah slept felt so incredibly right, but there's no denying that things never felt the same (for either of them, Haku knows) since Shuusuke and Souma left. Sure, there had been the kouhai, but even as they had tried to slot them into their lives, it still felt different. The kouhai brought different things with them. Haku mostly remembers the times Eiri fussed to him about them and if they were even able to adequately prepare them for what was ahead, but he knows he did the same, just more quietly. ]
.. I haven't seen them in a while either. [ The answer is a little mumbled, which Haku hopes can be blamed on the fact he's still munching on the snack. The answer is true though - after Souma left Church, he didn't even dare to touch those episodes anymore. It would feel like breaking something sacred or ruining a memory by watching them by himself. They were left gathering digital dust.
He swallows the last bits, all out of excuses to not talk. Maybe if it was more than just the two of them he could passively blend into the background, but it's impossible when it's just the two of them. He can't even bring himself to ignore Souma - it brings a sick feeling to his stomach.
Saying that he misses those times, that he missed Souma, that he's actually not doing well at all either.. he can't say any of those things. Haku's never been good at vocalizing it. No age difference or maturing or difference in hair color can fix that.
He swallows again, even if there's nothing left in his mouth. ]
I thought you'd be doing well out here. [ I've been thinking about you, missing you, sometimes. ] .. even without hero shows. And relatively speaking, anyway. [ Life as a spy isn't all it's knacked up to be. ]
You always have, anyway.
[ Haku's been there at Church for a long time, after all. He's seen a lot of faces, but without much else in his life to remember, he remembers faces, even those that are already long gone by now. He remembers when Souma first arrived, and he remembers how long of a way it was for him to get to being competent at the job compared to others with different backgrounds, but that he had always seemed like one of the strongest people around despite that.
Souma, carrying all the shit that came their way the best he could, and looking after others on top of it. With emotional outbursts at times, yes, but he weathered through it all. Like Shuusuke, who calmly analyzed and supported people that way. Like Eiri, who never let a single thing stop him. (Not like the guy who stood there pointing a gun to his head not even months ago.)
Haku dares to glance up at Souma from his position, giving him a small tight smile without any real feeling behind it. Like a little kid waiting for an adult's confirmation of something they're not too sure about themselves, but hoping they're right about. Teethering on the brink of something he's not too sure he can identify, like he has ever since he had to say goodbye to his Messiah with the heavy memories of their graduation mission still lingering at the front of their minds. ]
[Mentioning the hero shows had been something of a cheap shot. A weak attempt to force conversation somewhere, if only by virtue of being completely lame and cheesy. Souma has better jokes, better ideas. But, to be honest, he has few memories from recent years that are better. And so he invokes them, even if he worries about being patronizing or paternalistic.
Something about it reached Haku, for sure. The atmosphere shifts, subtly, but perceptibly. Wind picking up before a storm. Watching Haku can be a little bit like watching an intensely dramatic movie without subtitles, in a language Souma can't speak. The emotion is there, but Souma has to pay that much more attention. Use all of his faculties. And so he listens for changes in breathing, subtle shifts in demeanor and body language.
Somewhat appropriately (given Haku's penchant for candy) Haku's whole attitude is bittersweet. More an emphasis on bitter than sweet.
Case in point, Haku's smile isn't particularly real. It looks more like a grimace from Souma's vantage point. Yes, there's something in Haku's eyes that's affectionate. But even as his words praise Souma, there's something self-deprecating in them. Something that's cutting Haku down, in a death by a thousand personally imposed cuts.]
Thank you, Haku. [After all, compliments are nice to hear, particularly from someone you never thought to meet again.] Although, honestly, I can't totally claim credit for it. Having you guys around helped keep me sane a lot of the time. Shuusuke, Eiri, and you.
[Especially Haku, in some ways. Before the forced partnership with Shuusuke, before meeting Haku's latest (and loudest) messiah, it had been him and Haku. Two of Sakura's misfits. Watching out for Haku had kept Souma going during some of those early days.]
I often wish we could have all graduated together. Leaving you guys was hard.
[ It's a little weird to hear those words from Souma of all people. Not all of it - he knows how much strength Shuusuke and Souma pulled from each other's presence, that was clear enough for even people less observant than Haku to see. And having Eiri around being something that keeps you sane is something Haku can understand on a very personal level (even if he does know that something about how genuine and true to himself Eiri is in all situations can keep anyone sane in a place like Sakura and not just someone as tangled up in the other as Haku himself). But to hear himself in that row of names.. it feels weird. He's never been good at gauging his own value, not even with the people he's been the closest to.
But the thought is wrapped up and shoved back when Souma continues on with a thought that's much more important.
Mostly since it's a thought Haku himself has thought before as well. He's considered it a million times, turning it over again and again in his head. What if Souma and Shuusuke had still been there during Haku and Eiri's graduation mission? There's no way it could have gone worse than it did, at least, and Souma and Shuusuke have always been a source of sanity and support for Haku, too, even if it's in different ways than Eiri was.
His interest in the thought shows clearly in the way his head snaps to attention, the smile falling away from his face, like it costs too much brainpower to keep that up at the same time. ]
Yeah. It wasn't quiet without you guys, but it was.. [ .. ] Different.
[ The kouhai had brought sounds and plenty of distractions with them, after all, but rather than peers, they were a responsibility. Something they couldn't afford to mess up. ]
And graduating was hard.
[ That does make Haku pause - almost comically so, if it wasn't for the situation. Like a disc being scratched enough to skip. Because he realises he was about to throw out parts of what has been bothering him for all this time since his and Eiri's graduation, but at the same time it makes an age old thought arise: he can't just dump his problems on Souma like that. It's a thought that stems all the way from their first contact and has managed to hold on all the way until now, one way or another. He's always neatly tucked away his problems to fester in corners of his soul, eating away at parts of his personality he figured he could miss. What use is it, what right does he have to bother another person with that?
So Haku lightly shakes his head, looking away. ]
But you know that. [ It's not like Shuusuke and Souma's graduation had been any easier. ]
[Haku is definitely one of the more unusual people out there. Very little of it is faked, sure. He has a mindset that is quite different from many of the people that Souma had met before and since. Back during training, it had been easy to see that many thought of Haku as a weird force of nature. He just... was. To many people it was as though he'd been pulled from the ether, fully formed.
Souma has spent enough time with Haku to know that his demeanor took quite a lot of effort, though. He had to work to seem so aloof, above the fray, untouched by common social mores. Haku had strong, conflicting emotions beneath all that, but his facial expressions were often as carefully constructed as his masks. At least, in Souma's experience.
So, yeah, Souma notices when Haku's face falls. He pays attention to all the words that surrounded that action. And he tries to respond accordingly.]
Yeah, graduation was... It was hell for me. And for Shuusuke. [Somehow saying Shuusuke's name aloud is tough, even though it's not like Shuusuke died. Souma thinks he would probably feel it if Shuusuke had died.]
[It was probably hell for Haku and Eiri though. The initially chilly atmosphere has been thawing consistently, but Souma doesn't think he can ask outright. But there are some things he think must be universal.]
The worst thing about graduation was how Shuusuke and I went through that insane thing together where we proved our... [There isn't a strong enough word. "Loyalty" isn't quite right, since they had had their suspicions and had nearly died because of them. "Devotion" doesn't seem right either.] We proved how much we bonded, and then we were immediately sent away from each other. I feel like Graduation wouldn't haunt me as much if i had had a year together with Shuusuke after it, or something.
[This has often been his way during conversations with Haku. He offers something, either tangible or intangible, and hopes it gets them on the same footing. He suspects Haku keeps a list of checks and balances in his head, when it comes to social interactions. He probably thinks asking for something or needing help means he's asked for way too much. Souma doesn't necessarily need Haku to help him right now- though naming his sadness does help it dissipate a little- but he hopes this balances the scale a little.]
[ It does help. If Souma offers up a little, it feels easier to talk about the same thing, even if it's something he usually wouldn't just bring up by himself. And the fact that it's Souma - of all people - helps a lot with it too. There are plenty of people Haku wouldn't just talk about any of his inner thoughts with, even when prompted. But Souma has seen him at so many of his worst moments (half-collapsed over Eiri's body, sitting for days on end in the infirmary like a ghost) that it comes a little bit easier, as long as he makes sure to balance it all out.
If the other admits something is hard, it's easier for Haku to admit it too. It's like Souma is some sort of standard of what is normal, a display of how far he can go when it comes to social interactions. ]
Eiri had to heal for quite a while after it, so we still spent some time together before we seperated. [ Not that Souma and Shuusuke hadn't - had they ever had a single mission where one of them didn't at least walk out with a minor injury, if not worse? - but being stabbed and shot and god knows what else piled on top of it makes the recovery take a while longer. ] But.. like you said. It didn't feel like it was enough.
[ "I'm having a hard time without him, especially after everything that happened."
Even if Haku's expression and body language didn't already say as much to people who know where to look - like Souma - then it's obviously resting in those words, hidden just beneath the initial layer. Eiri and his bond and Souma and Shuusuke's bond can't be compared, they're too different, but.. Souma misses Shuusuke. He misses Eiri. At least that's something they should be able to share. (Probably? He's never been good at this.)
Lingering on that misery openly still feels like too much to Haku though, and he's quick to skip over to something else. Not something lighter, necessarily, and not even something that changes the topic.. but at least something that puts the ball back in front of Souma's feet. Letting him talk about things feels more comfortable - the other guy has always had a way of putting people at ease. ]
.. If you'd meet Shuusuke again now, where would you like to go together?
Maybe that's to be expect. Maybe he shouldn't he surprised. After their graduation mission, Shuusuke had spent a few hours in the hospital, getting looked over. The vest had kept bullets out of his flesh, true. But, even with bullet proof vests, you still tended to get wounds. Shuusuke had had a big painful bruise, in the middle of all the bruises Souma had inflicted on him when they were punching each other out (which was another horrible thing.) That ghost of a bullet wound had been like the epicenter to all his other bruises. Enough to warrant doctor's fussing over him. Then they'd both been scolded for their clear lack of sleeping and eating, and Souma had wanted to argue that they couldn't help it. Stress was an insidious kind of disease.
Of course, he could have helped it, probably, if he hadn't been such a flawed person.
However, that's neither here nore there. The point is that clearly Eiri's wounds, whatever they had been had far surpassed everything that had afflicted Souma and Shuusuke.
And like Haku he... abruptly doesn't want to talk about it directly. The guilt of leaving seizes his throat, like a choking fist, and even if it wouldn't have killed Haku to ask- which it probably would- it might kill Souma to learn just how much things went wrong without him. (really, Souma is such a shitty, cowardly person at times.)
Though if Haku wanted to yell at him, or hurl invectives, that might be almost refreshing? Sakura had a way of trampling normal human expression, and Souma might be okay with Haku's hatred if he got the sense that Haku was growing into himself. Learning to ask for what was his.]
I'm glad Eiri made it.
[They keep taking about Eiri in the present tense, so he assumes Eiri is still alive. Sometimes he wonders though. Sometimes it feels like someone died, and Haku doesn't have a lot of people to mourn, even though he tends to mourn fiercely in his way. It's not Eiri, and a lot of Haku's comrades either died before him or graduated before him. So who could it be?
Well. There was his Haku's brother... Long gone, but probably still alive, and definitely enough to send Haku into a fugue state.
Could it be...?
Or maybe Souma is dealing in conspiracy theories. Probably so. The more Haku grows comfortable, the younger Souma feels right now. He messes around with the machine they have for making tea. It's something to do. Souma hopes he looks more confident than he feels. He hopes he seems as caring as he feels.
Oh, that's an interesting question from Haku. A small blessing to both of them. They'd wandered a little too far into dangerous territory.]
If I ran into Shuusuke again... [For a moment he wants it so much its like needing water after hiking a steep mountain. In the desert.] To be honest I'd like to live normally in Japan but that's probably not an option for me, if we're being practical.
[Officially speaking, Gojou Souma had been "executed for treason." He knows for sure it shocked his family and friends. They still had questions about it, and wondered if they could have prevented him from going down the wrong path (he knows because he's seen posts about it on some of their social media pages.) Being officially dead meant no one demanding the government find their missing son or missing friend. It also meant that there was little chance of starting again in this country.]
I guess living in America would give us the same problem. [He's pretty sure Shuusuke is "dead" there too, but from an accident rather than from treason. But it's Shuusuke's other home, and he knows it's missed.]
But I guess, since we're talking about the ideal thing, then.. Yeah. I think I can make a home for myself in most places and I'd like to be with him. Maybe we can go buy an uninhabited island together and make our own laws. And you can come visit whenever.
[He pauses, debates asking this, and decides to do it.]
[ His shoulders grow a little less tense as Souma speaks on. No longer about Eiri, or Haku's feelings, or what happened, but into something that feels much safer and familiar. Thinking about Eiri as a whole is easier in this context - the four of them. Still something he misses, considering it was the closest thing Haku has ever felt to belonging somewhere, but it's something that he's already been missing for long enough that he can neatly box it up in his mind. It's something that's already been given an appropriate spot where he no longer has to fully let it eat away at him every single moment.
And when Souma talks about it, it feels even more like warmth. He's never particularly thought too much about Souma and Shuusuke's bond, taking it for what it was and what he could see, but he remembers nights where Eiri was particularly giddy or sometimes half-drunk (or a little more than that) where the shorter guy rambled on and on about the other two, entire domestic situations included.
It makes it easier to imagine those two. Even if it'd be some ridiculous situation like living on an uninhabited island - but then again, is anything ridiculous anymore when compared to their lifestyle as a whole? But it'd be warm and maybe small but cozy, and for a moment Haku finds himself longing for something he can never have. (Not that it's a new activity for him.) ]
Up north. [ He picks another piece of candy out of a pocket, twirling it around between his hands but not unwrapping or eating it just yet. ] Somewhere where there's not a lot of people. Maybe some cabin in a forest.
[ Not Russia, because that brings a whole slew of terrible associations and memories with it, but still somewhere up north. Not because of the cold, and not because Haku isn't that good with people - because it's not like he has an aversion to them, it's more just that he's not too good with communication - but because that's the only place you can see so many of the stars for so long with the long nights without anything obstructing the view.
Eiri always liked stars.
He glances up from his candy, trying his best to meet Souma's eyes again now he's a little more comfortable. ]
It might be hard to visit your uninhabited island from there though.
[ It feels a little better. Maybe it's unhealthy to crop up all this trauma - it is, for sure - but it's the only way he knows how to cope with everything, even now. He wants Souma's presence to mean good and warm and comforting things while it lasts, rather than spilling everything ugly about himself and letting the memory smudge the warm memories he has about the people in his life who matter. ]
[When the four of them were together, Souma often thought of himself as the least intelligent. It wasn't really a self-deprecating thing, so much as a likely fact. Shuusuke was... Shuusuke. And for all their drama and silliness, Haku and Eiri had specialized skills that Souma couldn't imagine how to go about accomplishing similar things. A lot of what he has is due to determination more than anything else. Back when he'd been a normal guy he'd tried out a lot of hobbies, rarely found a natural inclination for any of them, but kept them up because they were fun.
All the same, he's good at reading body language, he's good at deciphering the tone of a conversation. It's probably why they have him going undercover so often. And he can use this for much nobler ends, too. Like watching Haku now, and knowing for certain that he's relaxing by increments.
This goofy back and forth reminds him of those acrimonious weeks before Eiri had been shot. Haku had rarely confided anything to Souma, but it had been possible to coax smiles out of him. Usually this was accomplished via long, joking conversations that spun out pleasant, impossible fantasies. Sometimes he'd made puns that would make Shuusuke muffle a frustrated scream (if he was around), and Haku sometimes laughed, sometimes rambled on about the etymology of some word.
It was hard, sometimes, admitting you couldn't do much for anyone (Haku and Eiri's struggles were such that they had to be worked out between the two of them alone.) All you could do was ease someone's burden a little.
Souma has no talent at all for admitting that he can't do anything.]
A cabin in the forest sounds nice. [Also a bit fairy tale-ish, but that's always suited Haku, somehow.] Would you want to go up north in Japan, or further afield? In Iceland, maybe? [They were nice and neutral] Or Norway, maybe? Or... what places have a good view of the northern lights?
[He almost invoked Eiri and how he would like those but, somehow, it feels like that name belongs to Haku.]
Oh, visiting our island wouldn't be a problem. If you live close to the shore and you have a boat you could just come sail to us. Or we could sail to you. Or meet halfway.
[ He can't help but think any of those places would be fine. As long as it's together with Eiri, anywhere would be fine to begin with, anyway. Besides, it's just.. silly dreams, imaginations of what a perfect life would be like. Away from all their duties, away from the fact that they all have to stay seperated and even the fact he managed to join Souma for a mission is a small miracle in itself.
Maybe it's that thought. Maybe it's that thought combined with those final words Souma says. Meeting halfway.. it really makes him think of all their interactions before. They feel like so long ago now, almost like a different lifetime. Like he died and was reborn when Eiri finally woke up from his sleep after the Higayama incident. Like the walls around him were still there, but cracked in some areas that would be impossible to ever rebuild.
And they still haven't fully been rebuild. Because those words actually make Haku think -- consider.
It's never really been about meeting halfway between the two of them. Sometimes it was, but Haku thinks there's never really been any moments where he reached out to Souma harder than the other reached out to him. It was Souma who initiated contact between them, kept pushing (although always in that typical Souma-like way). Souma did so much, and sometimes he didn't even bother to meet the other halfway, keeping himself sealed off.
He can't forever do that. A lot of things have changed, but.. maybe it means he should try a little harder too. Even if it's terrifying and out of his comfort zone, maybe it can be just a little better for him in the end.
And he sure trusts Souma a lot more with it than any therapist the Church could have sent his way - if they had ever even bothered.
It's time for him to reach out first for once. Because he can feel the questions hanging as heavily in the air as Souma's concern seems to weigh on him - almost like it's visible, a heavy cloud trying to weigh down on the sunshine that Souma has always naturally emitted in Haku's eyes. ]
.. Souma.
[ The way he says the other's name already makes it very clear that he isn't just talking about islands. This isn't about trivial scenarios, it's-- ]
Right now.. do you want to meet halfway? [ Because maybe if Souma gives that explicit permission, then maybe he can peel open what he's been tucking away carefully just a little bit. Since at least there's one thing that rings true under it all.. Souma has never judged him for any of his terribly bad and dark emotions. He's seen some of the worst parts of him, and he's still here. So even if it's difficult - maybe he can try. Maybe it'll be for the best. ]
[It feels like Haku is quiet for a very long time.
Though maybe Souma is just imagining that. With a lot of people, that degree of silence usually implies a lot of not so great things. In this case, Souma would worry his joking around had totally struck out. He'd worry he was being glib at best, or offensive at worst.
Haku was a bit different, though. Sometimes his silences seemed to mean he was berating himself more than anyone else. Other times- like right now- he just seems seems like a person carefully considering terribly important things.
Souma would never dream of asking Haku to hurry it up in a case like this. Whenever Haku got like this, he'd inevitably say something that was worth waiting for. Back in Sakura, Souma had scolded a fair number of people for saying Haku only spoke nonsense. That was just demonstrably false.
When Haku's question comes, though, Souma is almost winded by it. Just a few brief words, but a lot seems to be implied. Some things Souma can guess at. Other things elude him.]
Sure. You pick the place, and I'll meet you there.
[Maybe they'd sound silly to anyone that overheard them. It doesn't matter. This had been how he and Haku tended to communicate in the past. It feels a little like returning to a home they'd never get to see again. Which makes it into a small kind of miracle.]
[ Often he feels so grateful towards Souma that he doesn't know how to put it into words - let alone how to ever start repaying the other for everything he does. Even though Souma says so very little, just those few words, it feels more comforting than most things could be in this situation. Souma has never pushed him away, despite his problems, despite his rumored jinx. He's always been like this.. accepting, patiently waiting.
It makes it a little easier to talk. Not that it still isn't hard, but whereas there's usually a wall between him and the ability to open up about anything that he can't quite get over, it feels more like a fence that he can actually climb.
Not about his brother though-- not right away. It's the most raw and sore spot of this all. Like jumping to the peak of a mountain without having hiked there first, it's just impossible. It feels easier to speak about the smaller issue in the face of all this. (Even though thinking of it as "small", even relatively so, feels sadly laughable.) ]
During our graduation mission. [ The source of everything that made him the most miserable he'd ever felt, even if it did end with some relief, yet also some pain that isn't entirely sure how to heal.
His gaze drops, thinking about how to word things, fingers nervously picking at nothing in particular. Even just thinking about this feels heavy, almost as if he's going through the emotions of the moment all over again. ]
I lost contact with Eiri while we were working on a part of that mission. They told me he died. [ It's the easiest first topic to brace, because he knows it's something Souma will understand. The misery and the anger Haku felt, the way he yelled about it to Kamikita.. Haku usually stayed quiet during moments the others actually got mad at their superiors - Souma most of all, but he's noticed moments of it with Eiri, glances of it with Shuusuke. Souma would have understood his outbursts, that's one thing Haku does know for sure.
Still, it forces him to take a deep breath, the thought making his chest feel tight all over again. ] It was the Church's plan.
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But it still means Haku is here alone. He took a plane alone to some place he's never been before, he got there by himself, made the way to the hotel by himself.. sure, he's apparently supposed to meet someone in this hotel room who he's going to have to work together with for his current mission, but it doesn't really matter, he thinks. It's still not Eiri, which means that - with Haku, even now, even though he's gotten a little better after getting some of that emotional trauma out and surpressing whatever still lingers - there's going to be more of a distance. It's not the same, even if it's better than being entirely alone and left to the mercy of his mind and its thoughts.
Dragging just a simple bag with him, Haku slouches through the hallway of the hotel, dragging himself up the stairs to where the room is supposed to be. But after sliding the keycard through the room's door and opening it, he freezes, his posture straightening a bit.
Not since there's a superior or anything (let's be real, it's not as if Haku really cares either way about that sort of thing) but since the person that's waiting for him in there is actually really familiar.
Someone he didn't think he would ever even seen again. Someone he had already said goodbye to (and goodbye in the Church means goodbye, it means readying yourself to lose someone from your life permanently, Haku knows that better than anyone else), but still hadn't been able to help but think of at times.
It manages to catch him off guard more than any enemy could, and Haku just stands there in the entrance to the hotel room, eyes widened. ]
Souma.. [ Even the name escapes from his lips more automatically than anything else - like his brains need a moment to catch up to this development. This isn't possible, is it? ]
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Back when he was training, graduation had always been the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. It wasn't hope, exactly. Definitely not the expectation of reprieve. And, sure, they all knew once Sakura has you, you're part of Sakura for life (after you're declared an 'endangered missing, presumed dead' kind of person, it's safe to say all your bridges have been burned. Souma used to have elaborate fantasies about how it would be to return to family and old friends, giving them the happiest surprise of their life. Somehow, those fantasies had died around the same time Haruki did.)
But graduation was the end. Or so it had seemed. A complete cessation of the daily pattern. And sometimes, when you're life has changed completely, when you're so homesick you're nauseous, any change at all looks good.
But, when he got out out of headquarters, it became obvious- almost laughably so- that this wasn't an end at all. He's still subject to orders, still tossed about from task to task, still not always sure how he's going to make it. But the more he sees of the world (and he does see the world, no matter how Sakura tries to isolate them) the more he realizes this is practically everyone's life. No matter whether you work for a secretive special ops organization, or you have a cubicle and are bossed around by a petty tyrant mid-level boss.
He can be beholden to these outside forces, or he can try to make certain parts of the the day into something that's completely his own. There are people who set down roots in Sakura. There are some people who do good, even within this fucked up system. Maybe, one day, he can be like that too.
Until then, Souma enjoys what he can. He likes how he's outside a lot more again; very few windowless rooms these days. He was ecstatic that the last mission he was on helped rescue some children. And, today, he decided to enjoy the drive to where he's staying. Now that he's in the room, he's decided he likes it, too. It's nothing fancy, and there are better hotels, with better memories. But it makes Souma think of when he was a kid, and going on a vacation was the most exciting thing in the world. It made every hotel he stayed in seem horribly exciting, even when it wasn't.
There's a clicking sound just outside the room, which means his latest partner is here. Souma's done a few missions on his own, and a few with other people. Some of those partnerships had been successful, and some had not. But he's decided he likes the variety (even if sometimes he gets so wistful he texts Shuusuke's old phone number for the hell of it. The messages always bounce back, but that makes it easier to say certain things.)
Then the door swings open and... Well.]
You're... are you really... Whoa. Hi! Hello, Haku.
[ It's kind of like flipping through the tv, passing through snippets of conversations. Different outbursts of emotion. He can't seem to settle on any one sentence.
Haku is tall, of course, but that's usual. That lighter shade of hair is a surprise, though. It emphasizes Haku's youth, but also all the dark angles of his face. This reunion is like picking at a hard scab until it bleeds, seeing that the skin below is raw and new, and realizing that it's not healed at all. Except instead of pain, Souma feels love.
(Okay, there's a fair amount of pain, too. Because here's the thing Souma's kept almost entirely; when the time for graduation finally came, he hadn't felt relief at all. Mostly, he'd felt guilt.) ]
So, you graduated?
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Because his thoughts are somewhere else, all over the place. It really is Souma, the reaction only reinforces that (so full of energy in its own way, strangely genuine in the way it goes across attitudes - because it's easier to read into it as that than it is to read it as emotions). But that means he's facing Souma again, and in a sense, he wasn't prepared for that.
Their last meeting, their farewell.. it'd been a little bit messy. By Haku standards, anyway. At the time it had seemed fine (and almost impossible not to) to show a little more emotion. To let Souma see a little bit more of the sides of him that feel like a puzzle where the pieces don't entirely fit right together. To show Souma that he meant something to him, to let him feel how much he'd miss his presence.
(Because Haku has found that there's not much of a difference between leaving and dying, other than the lack of guilt that consumes you every time you think about it. But it still feels hollow.)
He'd never thought of facing Souma again. If he had, would he have been able to pour everything out in that hug the way he had back then? And how the hell is he supposed to deal with mixing any of the stuff that's happened in the months before his graduation into it? ]
.. yeah.
[ The verbal version of the nod comes even slower after the gesture, and his bag ends up on the floor in a gesture that's half putting down, half dropping. Like it's an extra weight he just can't deal with right now.
The only instinctive initial way of coping with not knowing what to do is by just listing basic facts - responses he doesn't have to think too deeply about. ]
Eiri and I.. both of us.
[ Usually it wouldn't be a necessary distinction to make since no one can graduate without their Messiah, but for anyone who knows Haku's jinx, and even more for anyone who just knows Haku beyond that, it's an important one. That Eiri's just as alright as either of them are (is that really alright?) and somewhere out there. That he didn't die. Because it's not like he's never seen either Shuusuke or Souma stare at his midget Messiah with worry in their eyes before. ]
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Yes, it's good that Haku is alive and physically well (miraculously, given the amount of candy he probably consumes, even know.) But the more Haku talks- or doesn't talk- the more it becomes obvious that some terrible things had happened during their time apart. Souma knows this must be the case, because Haku had been just this stilted and aloof the first time they'd met. It had been on the heels of his second Messiah's death. Officially, no one talked much about the comrades that had died, though most people knew someone who had. However, the deaths of Haku's Messiahs had achieved near urban legend status. Everyone seemed to know how their bodies had been discovered, and the state they had been in. (Though, everyone also seemed to express slightly different "facts" about what had actually happened.)
Everyone was in agreement about Haku's curse, though.
So Haku had sought the guy out. He wasn't a stalker about it. Mostly it was just a friendly 'hello' here. Idle small talk there. And for the longest time Haku had acted like Souma had been speaking in ancient Sumerian. Not just a foreign language, but something long dead.
Therefore, theirs was a slow-building friendship. One that had been built up brick by brick, mostly in seemingly insubstantial conversations. He didn't quite realize how successful he had become until after he'd been rescued from that kidnapping. Mostly, Haku had been rightfully concerned about Eiri overall. But there had been a few moments where it became obvious that Haku had also worried that his curse had somehow rubbed off on Souma too. And Souma had refrained from saying that, even if that even if that was true, Haku is someone he wouldn't mind dying for.
And when Souma had left. Sure, it was part of the rules, but he had still left He had known he was leaving Haku in a terrible environment. The guilt has never left him, but now it comes flaring back, bitter and all-consuming.]
So Eiri's out there kicking someone's ass, huh? Glad to hear it.
[Strangely, despite everything, Souma's never been worried about Eiri in quite the same way. He's heard bits and pieces here, and has known that Eiri's also had a difficult life. But he also seems to bounce back in ways that Haku can't quite manage. It's like his spirit is as indomitable as his body. (Though Souma knows that if Eiri was here right now, he'd still be scrutinizing the guy for signs of trauma, too.)
They had to have had a grueling graduation mission. That was just par for the course. He's heard (and been involved in) speculation on why the graduation missions are always such mental torture. Many Sakura members have convoluted ideas about that, but Souma thinks the reason is wholly obvious; if you're training someone to be a lone, secret agent, you have can't have them pining for someone else. Not even a mandated partner who becomes someone you know like the back of your hand.
It's needlessly cruel, and Haku's whole life has been comprised of the needlessly cruel.
Oh well. A lot of the progress he's made with Haku has been leveled. Smashed to smithereens, probably. He can only hope the foundation is still there. Because, yes, he wants to complete this mission with Haku. But he also cares about him as a person, and hopes he doesn't leave him worse for the wear.]
So... Got any idea on what they're going to have us do?.
[He keeps his tone light and jovial, though not flippant. Haku's clearly not in a mood for any probing questions yet, and Souma has always been inclined to respect that.]
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This is different. This isn't shutting Souma out as much as it's him not knowing how to handle any of this. It's like Souma's kindness is hitting him all over again, except this time it's more the memory of it than the actual kindness itself. It's the memories of laughing with the four of them during a time that now feels like it's a lifetime away. Souma is so much just.. Souma, so much the usual, that it almost hurts.
So Haku squares his shoulders and straightens himself a little when he hears that question, letting him slip back into a mode that's a little more comfortable. ]
Infiltrating, most likely. They told me to bring the usual.
[ He nudges the bag that was unceremoniously dropped at his feet a little with one of said feet - no doubt there's probably not much more in there than at least 5 uniforms of different organisations with masks included and at least three dozen juice boxes.
Disguising has always been an easy talent for him. What do you expect? When you're so busy putting on masks your entire life for every given moment, slipping into another persona entirely becomes like a second nature, even if it includes also changing your way of moving and voice. Haku hardly even has to think to do it.
He's doing the same even now, after all. Adapting the very familiar mission attitude that he's slipped into so many times - a mask that's stretched out to match himself from how often he's worn it. Because talking about the mission allows him to not think for a moment or two about how the hell he's supposed to present himself in front of Souma now, after their goodbye, after his graduation mission, after everything.
Dropping to sit on the bed with a loud creak, Haku's hand moves into his pocket, and a moment later he's already removing a wrapper with some foreign text from a chocolate bar before sticking it into his mouth, discarding the wrapper itself on the ground as he's done many times before.
(It'd look casual to most people, but it's honestly just to give his hands something to fidget with in the middle of a nervous breakdown.)
There's a few moments of just chewing before he even gathers up the energy and courage to look in Souma's direction again.
It's not right. It doesn't feel right, just adapting that mask and then only dealing with Souma that way. Not when - oddly enough, considering it's not something he's felt that often the past few years especially - he feels like he wants to say more, do more. He feels himself wanting to connect with Souma again, especially after the most significant bond in his life has been distanced from him as well.
He's lonely, really, but Haku's never known to put that word to his situation.
Souma's always been good about reaching out, but it feels unfair to make him have to do all the work here. After swallowing a careful bite, Haku speaks up again. ]
.. how have you been?
[ It might be small pleasantries in any other situation, but even this much already takes effort to get out. Because there's a lot more in it. There's the worry for Souma considering the kind of work they do (hell, he doesn't even know if Souma has had contact with Shuusuke at all or if he's just doing that well even without the other - it's always been hard to tell, especially when Souma's seemed like such a consistently strong person to Haku). There's the question about whether Souma has ever thought of him all this time the way Haku has spent nights lying awake while thinking about how Shuusuke and Souma got swallowed up into the black void known as loss that seems to accompany him anywhere he goes.
There's a lot. And there's even more Haku wants to say about the things that have happened and about things he feels, but if this much is already so hard, everything else feels far beyond him. ]
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So he watches, and follows. He’s fine with letting his loved ones set the pace and tone of a conversation, if that’s what’s needed. Haku straightening his shoulders, and slipping into a professional mode hits him hard, though. More so than expected. Back in headquarters, Souma had grieved and been a little awed by Haku’s ability to switch into this particular demeanor. It had been hard to watch, because Haku is so very young, still, and this tic seems to be something well-practiced, and honed over the years. Just one gesture, and Souma knows Haku has not had much of a childhood.
But it’s not all bad. For someone so accustomed to self-denial, Haku has a lot of pride. He’s good at his job, and Souma is glad that Haku knows this at least.]
Wow. This takes me back.
[So much for formality. Souma crouches down a little. It’s a very familiar bag, even though probably not the same one as they used in joint missions. He can guess at all its contents, though. The disguises, the juice boxes. Moreover, he can remember all the times a bag like this would be hoisted onto Eiri, dwarfing him further. He remembers how Eiri would start yelling about it immediately. Or he’d accept it, until he’d remember he was supposed to be mad. And then he’d yell.
Souma won’t talk about Eiri, though. He’s noticed that Haku side-stepped Souma’s observations about what Eiri might be doing now. Again; Haku needs to take the lead.
He pulls himself back to his feet as Haku moves over to the bed. Opening a candy wrapper should be routine, at this point, but Haku takes longer than Souma expects. He wonders if there’s minute trembling coiled in Haku’s hands. He wonders about Haku’s heart rate right now.]
I’ve been doing okay.
[It’s hard to read anything in Haku’s eyes, ever, but sometimes it’s easy to worry he idealizes Souma a little too much. Reading strength into what’s just scrappiness, and brashness. So he tests the waters a little.]
Hah, actually… Honestly, it’s been a little hard to adjust. There’s no time to watch hero shows, after all.
[He wonders if that last bit lands the way it should. Is it presumptuous? Or does it temper the previous statement, letter Haku know he doesn’t have to spill his guts immediately. Only time will tell.]
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It feels like ages ago now. Another lifetime. And it's with that thought that it hits him extra hard yet again.
He's missed Souma.
Not that having Eiri there wasn't enough. Eiri was - is - the most important to him, the light in his life, the thing that gave him the strength to live on even when he wanted to die the most. Pulling Eiri into his arms in bed as his Messiah slept felt so incredibly right, but there's no denying that things never felt the same (for either of them, Haku knows) since Shuusuke and Souma left. Sure, there had been the kouhai, but even as they had tried to slot them into their lives, it still felt different. The kouhai brought different things with them. Haku mostly remembers the times Eiri fussed to him about them and if they were even able to adequately prepare them for what was ahead, but he knows he did the same, just more quietly. ]
.. I haven't seen them in a while either. [ The answer is a little mumbled, which Haku hopes can be blamed on the fact he's still munching on the snack. The answer is true though - after Souma left Church, he didn't even dare to touch those episodes anymore. It would feel like breaking something sacred or ruining a memory by watching them by himself. They were left gathering digital dust.
He swallows the last bits, all out of excuses to not talk. Maybe if it was more than just the two of them he could passively blend into the background, but it's impossible when it's just the two of them. He can't even bring himself to ignore Souma - it brings a sick feeling to his stomach.
Saying that he misses those times, that he missed Souma, that he's actually not doing well at all either.. he can't say any of those things. Haku's never been good at vocalizing it. No age difference or maturing or difference in hair color can fix that.
He swallows again, even if there's nothing left in his mouth. ]
I thought you'd be doing well out here. [ I've been thinking about you, missing you, sometimes. ] .. even without hero shows. And relatively speaking, anyway. [ Life as a spy isn't all it's knacked up to be. ]
You always have, anyway.
[ Haku's been there at Church for a long time, after all. He's seen a lot of faces, but without much else in his life to remember, he remembers faces, even those that are already long gone by now. He remembers when Souma first arrived, and he remembers how long of a way it was for him to get to being competent at the job compared to others with different backgrounds, but that he had always seemed like one of the strongest people around despite that.
Souma, carrying all the shit that came their way the best he could, and looking after others on top of it. With emotional outbursts at times, yes, but he weathered through it all. Like Shuusuke, who calmly analyzed and supported people that way. Like Eiri, who never let a single thing stop him. (Not like the guy who stood there pointing a gun to his head not even months ago.)
Haku dares to glance up at Souma from his position, giving him a small tight smile without any real feeling behind it. Like a little kid waiting for an adult's confirmation of something they're not too sure about themselves, but hoping they're right about. Teethering on the brink of something he's not too sure he can identify, like he has ever since he had to say goodbye to his Messiah with the heavy memories of their graduation mission still lingering at the front of their minds. ]
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Something about it reached Haku, for sure. The atmosphere shifts, subtly, but perceptibly. Wind picking up before a storm. Watching Haku can be a little bit like watching an intensely dramatic movie without subtitles, in a language Souma can't speak. The emotion is there, but Souma has to pay that much more attention. Use all of his faculties. And so he listens for changes in breathing, subtle shifts in demeanor and body language.
Somewhat appropriately (given Haku's penchant for candy) Haku's whole attitude is bittersweet. More an emphasis on bitter than sweet.
Case in point, Haku's smile isn't particularly real. It looks more like a grimace from Souma's vantage point. Yes, there's something in Haku's eyes that's affectionate. But even as his words praise Souma, there's something self-deprecating in them. Something that's cutting Haku down, in a death by a thousand personally imposed cuts.]
Thank you, Haku. [After all, compliments are nice to hear, particularly from someone you never thought to meet again.] Although, honestly, I can't totally claim credit for it. Having you guys around helped keep me sane a lot of the time. Shuusuke, Eiri, and you.
[Especially Haku, in some ways. Before the forced partnership with Shuusuke, before meeting Haku's latest (and loudest) messiah, it had been him and Haku. Two of Sakura's misfits. Watching out for Haku had kept Souma going during some of those early days.]
I often wish we could have all graduated together. Leaving you guys was hard.
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But the thought is wrapped up and shoved back when Souma continues on with a thought that's much more important.
Mostly since it's a thought Haku himself has thought before as well. He's considered it a million times, turning it over again and again in his head. What if Souma and Shuusuke had still been there during Haku and Eiri's graduation mission? There's no way it could have gone worse than it did, at least, and Souma and Shuusuke have always been a source of sanity and support for Haku, too, even if it's in different ways than Eiri was.
His interest in the thought shows clearly in the way his head snaps to attention, the smile falling away from his face, like it costs too much brainpower to keep that up at the same time. ]
Yeah. It wasn't quiet without you guys, but it was.. [ .. ] Different.
[ The kouhai had brought sounds and plenty of distractions with them, after all, but rather than peers, they were a responsibility. Something they couldn't afford to mess up. ]
And graduating was hard.
[ That does make Haku pause - almost comically so, if it wasn't for the situation. Like a disc being scratched enough to skip. Because he realises he was about to throw out parts of what has been bothering him for all this time since his and Eiri's graduation, but at the same time it makes an age old thought arise: he can't just dump his problems on Souma like that. It's a thought that stems all the way from their first contact and has managed to hold on all the way until now, one way or another. He's always neatly tucked away his problems to fester in corners of his soul, eating away at parts of his personality he figured he could miss. What use is it, what right does he have to bother another person with that?
So Haku lightly shakes his head, looking away. ]
But you know that. [ It's not like Shuusuke and Souma's graduation had been any easier. ]
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Souma has spent enough time with Haku to know that his demeanor took quite a lot of effort, though. He had to work to seem so aloof, above the fray, untouched by common social mores. Haku had strong, conflicting emotions beneath all that, but his facial expressions were often as carefully constructed as his masks. At least, in Souma's experience.
So, yeah, Souma notices when Haku's face falls. He pays attention to all the words that surrounded that action. And he tries to respond accordingly.]
Yeah, graduation was... It was hell for me. And for Shuusuke. [Somehow saying Shuusuke's name aloud is tough, even though it's not like Shuusuke died. Souma thinks he would probably feel it if Shuusuke had died.]
[It was probably hell for Haku and Eiri though. The initially chilly atmosphere has been thawing consistently, but Souma doesn't think he can ask outright. But there are some things he think must be universal.]
The worst thing about graduation was how Shuusuke and I went through that insane thing together where we proved our... [There isn't a strong enough word. "Loyalty" isn't quite right, since they had had their suspicions and had nearly died because of them. "Devotion" doesn't seem right either.] We proved how much we bonded, and then we were immediately sent away from each other. I feel like Graduation wouldn't haunt me as much if i had had a year together with Shuusuke after it, or something.
[This has often been his way during conversations with Haku. He offers something, either tangible or intangible, and hopes it gets them on the same footing. He suspects Haku keeps a list of checks and balances in his head, when it comes to social interactions. He probably thinks asking for something or needing help means he's asked for way too much. Souma doesn't necessarily need Haku to help him right now- though naming his sadness does help it dissipate a little- but he hopes this balances the scale a little.]
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If the other admits something is hard, it's easier for Haku to admit it too. It's like Souma is some sort of standard of what is normal, a display of how far he can go when it comes to social interactions. ]
Eiri had to heal for quite a while after it, so we still spent some time together before we seperated. [ Not that Souma and Shuusuke hadn't - had they ever had a single mission where one of them didn't at least walk out with a minor injury, if not worse? - but being stabbed and shot and god knows what else piled on top of it makes the recovery take a while longer. ] But.. like you said. It didn't feel like it was enough.
[ "I'm having a hard time without him, especially after everything that happened."
Even if Haku's expression and body language didn't already say as much to people who know where to look - like Souma - then it's obviously resting in those words, hidden just beneath the initial layer. Eiri and his bond and Souma and Shuusuke's bond can't be compared, they're too different, but.. Souma misses Shuusuke. He misses Eiri. At least that's something they should be able to share. (Probably? He's never been good at this.)
Lingering on that misery openly still feels like too much to Haku though, and he's quick to skip over to something else. Not something lighter, necessarily, and not even something that changes the topic.. but at least something that puts the ball back in front of Souma's feet. Letting him talk about things feels more comfortable - the other guy has always had a way of putting people at ease. ]
.. If you'd meet Shuusuke again now, where would you like to go together?
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Well there's a nightmare sentence.
Maybe that's to be expect. Maybe he shouldn't he surprised. After their graduation mission, Shuusuke had spent a few hours in the hospital, getting looked over. The vest had kept bullets out of his flesh, true. But, even with bullet proof vests, you still tended to get wounds. Shuusuke had had a big painful bruise, in the middle of all the bruises Souma had inflicted on him when they were punching each other out (which was another horrible thing.) That ghost of a bullet wound had been like the epicenter to all his other bruises. Enough to warrant doctor's fussing over him. Then they'd both been scolded for their clear lack of sleeping and eating, and Souma had wanted to argue that they couldn't help it. Stress was an insidious kind of disease.
Of course, he could have helped it, probably, if he hadn't been such a flawed person.
However, that's neither here nore there. The point is that clearly Eiri's wounds, whatever they had been had far surpassed everything that had afflicted Souma and Shuusuke.
And like Haku he... abruptly doesn't want to talk about it directly. The guilt of leaving seizes his throat, like a choking fist, and even if it wouldn't have killed Haku to ask- which it probably would- it might kill Souma to learn just how much things went wrong without him. (really, Souma is such a shitty, cowardly person at times.)
Though if Haku wanted to yell at him, or hurl invectives, that might be almost refreshing? Sakura had a way of trampling normal human expression, and Souma might be okay with Haku's hatred if he got the sense that Haku was growing into himself. Learning to ask for what was his.]
I'm glad Eiri made it.
[They keep taking about Eiri in the present tense, so he assumes Eiri is still alive. Sometimes he wonders though. Sometimes it feels like someone died, and Haku doesn't have a lot of people to mourn, even though he tends to mourn fiercely in his way. It's not Eiri, and a lot of Haku's comrades either died before him or graduated before him. So who could it be?
Well. There was his Haku's brother... Long gone, but probably still alive, and definitely enough to send Haku into a fugue state.
Could it be...?
Or maybe Souma is dealing in conspiracy theories. Probably so. The more Haku grows comfortable, the younger Souma feels right now. He messes around with the machine they have for making tea. It's something to do. Souma hopes he looks more confident than he feels. He hopes he seems as caring as he feels.
Oh, that's an interesting question from Haku. A small blessing to both of them. They'd wandered a little too far into dangerous territory.]
If I ran into Shuusuke again... [For a moment he wants it so much its like needing water after hiking a steep mountain. In the desert.] To be honest I'd like to live normally in Japan but that's probably not an option for me, if we're being practical.
[Officially speaking, Gojou Souma had been "executed for treason." He knows for sure it shocked his family and friends. They still had questions about it, and wondered if they could have prevented him from going down the wrong path (he knows because he's seen posts about it on some of their social media pages.) Being officially dead meant no one demanding the government find their missing son or missing friend. It also meant that there was little chance of starting again in this country.]
I guess living in America would give us the same problem. [He's pretty sure Shuusuke is "dead" there too, but from an accident rather than from treason. But it's Shuusuke's other home, and he knows it's missed.]
But I guess, since we're talking about the ideal thing, then.. Yeah. I think I can make a home for myself in most places and I'd like to be with him. Maybe we can go buy an uninhabited island together and make our own laws. And you can come visit whenever.
[He pauses, debates asking this, and decides to do it.]
Where would you want to go if you had the chance?
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And when Souma talks about it, it feels even more like warmth. He's never particularly thought too much about Souma and Shuusuke's bond, taking it for what it was and what he could see, but he remembers nights where Eiri was particularly giddy or sometimes half-drunk (or a little more than that) where the shorter guy rambled on and on about the other two, entire domestic situations included.
It makes it easier to imagine those two. Even if it'd be some ridiculous situation like living on an uninhabited island - but then again, is anything ridiculous anymore when compared to their lifestyle as a whole? But it'd be warm and maybe small but cozy, and for a moment Haku finds himself longing for something he can never have. (Not that it's a new activity for him.) ]
Up north. [ He picks another piece of candy out of a pocket, twirling it around between his hands but not unwrapping or eating it just yet. ] Somewhere where there's not a lot of people. Maybe some cabin in a forest.
[ Not Russia, because that brings a whole slew of terrible associations and memories with it, but still somewhere up north. Not because of the cold, and not because Haku isn't that good with people - because it's not like he has an aversion to them, it's more just that he's not too good with communication - but because that's the only place you can see so many of the stars for so long with the long nights without anything obstructing the view.
Eiri always liked stars.
He glances up from his candy, trying his best to meet Souma's eyes again now he's a little more comfortable. ]
It might be hard to visit your uninhabited island from there though.
[ It feels a little better. Maybe it's unhealthy to crop up all this trauma - it is, for sure - but it's the only way he knows how to cope with everything, even now. He wants Souma's presence to mean good and warm and comforting things while it lasts, rather than spilling everything ugly about himself and letting the memory smudge the warm memories he has about the people in his life who matter. ]
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All the same, he's good at reading body language, he's good at deciphering the tone of a conversation. It's probably why they have him going undercover so often. And he can use this for much nobler ends, too. Like watching Haku now, and knowing for certain that he's relaxing by increments.
This goofy back and forth reminds him of those acrimonious weeks before Eiri had been shot. Haku had rarely confided anything to Souma, but it had been possible to coax smiles out of him. Usually this was accomplished via long, joking conversations that spun out pleasant, impossible fantasies. Sometimes he'd made puns that would make Shuusuke muffle a frustrated scream (if he was around), and Haku sometimes laughed, sometimes rambled on about the etymology of some word.
It was hard, sometimes, admitting you couldn't do much for anyone (Haku and Eiri's struggles were such that they had to be worked out between the two of them alone.) All you could do was ease someone's burden a little.
Souma has no talent at all for admitting that he can't do anything.]
A cabin in the forest sounds nice. [Also a bit fairy tale-ish, but that's always suited Haku, somehow.] Would you want to go up north in Japan, or further afield? In Iceland, maybe? [They were nice and neutral] Or Norway, maybe? Or... what places have a good view of the northern lights?
[He almost invoked Eiri and how he would like those but, somehow, it feels like that name belongs to Haku.]
Oh, visiting our island wouldn't be a problem. If you live close to the shore and you have a boat you could just come sail to us. Or we could sail to you. Or meet halfway.
[Meeting halfway was always nice.]
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Maybe it's that thought. Maybe it's that thought combined with those final words Souma says. Meeting halfway.. it really makes him think of all their interactions before. They feel like so long ago now, almost like a different lifetime. Like he died and was reborn when Eiri finally woke up from his sleep after the Higayama incident. Like the walls around him were still there, but cracked in some areas that would be impossible to ever rebuild.
And they still haven't fully been rebuild. Because those words actually make Haku think -- consider.
It's never really been about meeting halfway between the two of them. Sometimes it was, but Haku thinks there's never really been any moments where he reached out to Souma harder than the other reached out to him. It was Souma who initiated contact between them, kept pushing (although always in that typical Souma-like way). Souma did so much, and sometimes he didn't even bother to meet the other halfway, keeping himself sealed off.
He can't forever do that. A lot of things have changed, but.. maybe it means he should try a little harder too. Even if it's terrifying and out of his comfort zone, maybe it can be just a little better for him in the end.
And he sure trusts Souma a lot more with it than any therapist the Church could have sent his way - if they had ever even bothered.
It's time for him to reach out first for once. Because he can feel the questions hanging as heavily in the air as Souma's concern seems to weigh on him - almost like it's visible, a heavy cloud trying to weigh down on the sunshine that Souma has always naturally emitted in Haku's eyes. ]
.. Souma.
[ The way he says the other's name already makes it very clear that he isn't just talking about islands. This isn't about trivial scenarios, it's-- ]
Right now.. do you want to meet halfway? [ Because maybe if Souma gives that explicit permission, then maybe he can peel open what he's been tucking away carefully just a little bit. Since at least there's one thing that rings true under it all.. Souma has never judged him for any of his terribly bad and dark emotions. He's seen some of the worst parts of him, and he's still here. So even if it's difficult - maybe he can try. Maybe it'll be for the best. ]
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Though maybe Souma is just imagining that. With a lot of people, that degree of silence usually implies a lot of not so great things. In this case, Souma would worry his joking around had totally struck out. He'd worry he was being glib at best, or offensive at worst.
Haku was a bit different, though. Sometimes his silences seemed to mean he was berating himself more than anyone else. Other times- like right now- he just seems seems like a person carefully considering terribly important things.
Souma would never dream of asking Haku to hurry it up in a case like this. Whenever Haku got like this, he'd inevitably say something that was worth waiting for. Back in Sakura, Souma had scolded a fair number of people for saying Haku only spoke nonsense. That was just demonstrably false.
When Haku's question comes, though, Souma is almost winded by it. Just a few brief words, but a lot seems to be implied. Some things Souma can guess at. Other things elude him.]
Sure. You pick the place, and I'll meet you there.
[Maybe they'd sound silly to anyone that overheard them. It doesn't matter. This had been how he and Haku tended to communicate in the past. It feels a little like returning to a home they'd never get to see again. Which makes it into a small kind of miracle.]
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It makes it a little easier to talk. Not that it still isn't hard, but whereas there's usually a wall between him and the ability to open up about anything that he can't quite get over, it feels more like a fence that he can actually climb.
Not about his brother though-- not right away. It's the most raw and sore spot of this all. Like jumping to the peak of a mountain without having hiked there first, it's just impossible. It feels easier to speak about the smaller issue in the face of all this. (Even though thinking of it as "small", even relatively so, feels sadly laughable.) ]
During our graduation mission. [ The source of everything that made him the most miserable he'd ever felt, even if it did end with some relief, yet also some pain that isn't entirely sure how to heal.
His gaze drops, thinking about how to word things, fingers nervously picking at nothing in particular. Even just thinking about this feels heavy, almost as if he's going through the emotions of the moment all over again. ]
I lost contact with Eiri while we were working on a part of that mission. They told me he died. [ It's the easiest first topic to brace, because he knows it's something Souma will understand. The misery and the anger Haku felt, the way he yelled about it to Kamikita.. Haku usually stayed quiet during moments the others actually got mad at their superiors - Souma most of all, but he's noticed moments of it with Eiri, glances of it with Shuusuke. Souma would have understood his outbursts, that's one thing Haku does know for sure.
Still, it forces him to take a deep breath, the thought making his chest feel tight all over again. ] It was the Church's plan.