ic; god that was strange to see you again

[shirasaki]

( puts mamoru being cute here because i can )

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[tsushima]

[Kiraki sighed a little after he kissed her. It was the sign she needed, to hopefully chase her illogical anxiety away. Mamoru did love her. It was just that he didn't express it in the 'normal' way. But that didn't make it any less real. She lifted her hand to caress his cheek, leaning her forehead up against his.]

You didn't hurt me, Mamoru, get that into your head first. All that stuff about a girl's first time needing to be painful is just a myth. You didn't do anything wrong okay? [She managed to push through her own feelings of guilt, her voice re-gaining its usual playful tone.] You know me, if you had hurt me I wouldn't have stood for it. [She cracked a small grin.] You always just try so hard to make sure that I'm okay...

[All she wanted to do was throw her arms around him and kiss him fiercely in return, but she resisted. She was starting to see that they simply had very different comfort zones when it came to these things. ]

I love you too Mamoru. I love you so much. I don't ever want to hurt you either so you need to tell me if I even do something out of line. It's fine if you're not comfortable with something I do. You don't have to feel bad, okay?
[She sighed again, letting her other hand fall to rest on his hip. Her heart felt full to bursting and it was all she could do just to contain herself. She closed her eyes for a moment, a serene smile forming on her face ]

[shirasaki]

[ It's comforting, her presence like this. Even though he's the one trying to comfort her here, it usually ends up like this, huh? Kiraki always bounces back, and then it's always her warmth that draws him in every single time. Enough for him to close his eyes for a moment as their foreheads rest against each other, just basking in her presence. ]

I wasn't uncomfortable, just.. surprised. [ Okay, maybe a little more than surprised, but it's not like he's lying here. He didn't dislike being like that with Kiraki - not at all. Even though it's not the deed itself that appeals to him at all, he does remember feeling a little better back then. Because he just wanted to be as close to her as possible, because he didn't want the contact between them to stop when he had missed her so much for what felt like so long.

His hand hovers over hers on his cheek, gently grasping it to hold it in his own. ]

I don't regret what happened. But.. if you go too far for me too quickly, I'll tell you. Promise.

[ Because he can't really imagine enjoying that on a more conventional basis, but.. well, surely they'll find some middle road. It's not like he disliked it back then, or that he was unhappy, so it'll be fine one way or another. ]

[tsushima]

[She gave a small sigh of relief this time. The last thing she wanted to do was hurt or overwhelm him.]

I don't regret it either...[she said softly.] There's no one I would rather share that with than you. [She continued]

[Mamoru was just different, and that was alright. She had been socialized to think that all boys wanted sex and that sexual urges were part of what made men, "men". Mamoru had never been like that, and even now with someone he loved. But it didn't mean that he didn't love her. Kiraki had also been raised to think that girls weren't supposed to want sex, that sexual urges were wrong, or more that women didn't have them in the same way as men were supposed to. With how she had lost control that night she could be sure that wasn't the case.]

I'm just glad that I didn't freak you out. Then or today. Believe it or not but that's something I worry about a lot as silly as it seems. I worry that I'm not "feminine" enough, even though I know you don't care; and I just worry about scaring you...[She trailed off. She worried most about scaring him like she did that day, when he walked in to see her covered in her father's blood. She was most frightened about that part of herself. That part of her that was capable of being a cold-blooded killer.]

[shirasaki]

[ It's obvious enough that she's genuinely worried over it. Not that it makes much sense to him.. why would she be so worried about the impression she leaves on him when - in Mamoru's eyes - Kiraki can do no wrong? She's always so lively and shining bright, she's just fine the way she is now, he thinks. ]

Don't worry about any of that. When it's you.. you don't freak me out, and you don't scare me. I don't care if you're feminine or not either. [ Besides, Mamoru brings enough femininity into this relationship for two people without even trying to realising it.. but that's not the main point here.

He lightly squeezes her hand. ]

You're you. Just that is fine with me.

[ Just being able to be with her like this, to be together again.. that already makes him happy more than anything. It's maybe more than he deserves too, considering what he abandoned her to, but he's at least trying to put himself over that a little bit so he won't worry her again. ]

[tsushima]

[Mamoru still had this idealized notion of her. It should comfort her, but it still felt like he was ignoring those dark parts of her instead of accepting them. But, she could see that there was no getting through to him at that exact moment through words alone.]
She knew that he still didn't fully accept it. When she had told him the truth, he had nearly collapsed in on himself with blame. Because in his mind, him existing is what caused Kiraki to become a killer and nearly be executed.

She knew that it didn't matter. He could have threatened anyone and eventually the outcome would be the same. Her standing over his corpse.

A thought occurred to her, and she remembered something they were talking about earlier. Before she had dropped the bomb about their encounter, she had said something about how Mamoru had always acted almost like her boyfriend with how thoughtful and attentive he was.]

You must have always thought this way then, huh. [she said. She remembered how his feelings for him changed and grew right around when puberty hit her, but Mamoru had almost seemed impervious to that. He was the same as he had always been. Right up until the end when she thought they were parting for good.]

Even back in middle school, high school and after...I was most afraid of scaring you off. That's why I never had the guts to confess. You were so important to me-- I couldn't risk it.
[She gently nuzzled her nose up against his cheek for a moment.] I couldn't risk rejection. I couldn't risk the awkwardness, the falling out. I didn't need to be your girlfriend that badly if it meant I could possibly lose you. [She let her hand fall from his cheek, out from under his. She trailed her fingers down his neck and collarbone. Her hand stopping on the left side of her chest, right above his heart.]

[shirasaki]

[ This much he can handle. Even if his heart is pounding rapidly all the same from their close contact, it's more comforting than it's making him nervous. It's so nice and warm to be this close to her that he really can't complain about it, even when her hand starts wandering down a little bit.

Even though the idea that she was worried she'd scare him off confuses him a little. How could Kiraki ever scare him off? Sure, it's not like she was always the most gentle and quiet girl around, but even with how much she let her emotions (especially her temper, at times) lead her, she always did right with it. She always tried her best to protect people - it's admirable, honestly. ]

Sorry that I didn't notice earlier. [ He doesn't mention whether it's about how she felt or about how he felt - he didn't notice either, after all. He had just always cared this much for Kiraki that he never even realised to begin with it was something like love. ]

But.. [ He tries to seek out her gaze for a moment, smiling encouragingly. ] .. we're here together now. We haven't lost each other.

[ Not like both of them thought they had in their darkest moments. ]

We're not going anywhere, right?

[ Mamoru does realise it's not that easy. They have one of the most dangerous professions around, and if either of them would die, the rest of the world would just act like they had never even existed. No one would know. But that exactly is why he has to think positively about this - because he can't afford to lose her again either. ]

[tsushima]

If anything, you don't need to apologize for that, silly [she said with a slightly teasing smile. Mamoru was the sort to truly act on his honest feelings no matter what. Even if he didn't fully realize what those feelings were. ] I have absolutely no room to complain, when everything you ever did was to make sure that I was happy. [She sighed before meeting his gaze. She could feel his heart racing under her finger tips. The feeling comforted her. It also reminded her how he would always push through for her sake. Even though he was still made nervous by her physical affections, he still made an effort for her sake. Her own heart beat had quickened just from being so close to him. But it was an exhilaration that propelled her forward.]

[it wasn't likely that she would break through to him at that moment. He thought the world of her and always had. She couldn't blame him because she felt the same way about him.
A moment passed and she took a hold of his hand and placed it on the upper-left of her chest. Hopefully high enough that he wouldn't freak out too much. ]
See? My heart's racing too. I'm nervous too.

[she cracked a small grin, ] but it's still proof that we're both still alive...and as long as we are, I'm not going anywhere like I said.

[shirasaki]

.. ah, you're right.

[ About her heart racing, for one. It really is high enough that he at least won't have to get extremely flustered all over again, but he still can't deny that his heart races just a little bit faster at the sensation.

But it's a little surprising, in a sense.. Kiraki always seemed so amazing to him. So bright and strong - not the type to get nervous. Not over him of all people. (He's a little glad though, that he's not the only one.)

But just as he sits there quietly for a moment as he ponders it over and can feel the rhythm of her heart under his hand, he suddenly realises something, his head snapping up at it. ]

Wait-- we should probably go back.

[ It'll be a little too suspicious if the both of them are gone for too long, after all. And they still have to get those cookies for Kaito on the way back too..

Standing up, he gently helps her up too through the way they're holding hands. ]

Let's go.

[ And with that, they went back. ]