[ It's been a long while now. "A long while" is honestly the only way Chaerok could put it - it's been a long time since he's ever bothered to count the days. It's just about making it through each day nowadays, and in a way it's an almost ironic throwback to the last time he was together with Yongjae before this, way back when they were little and had to gather whatever they could to eat just to survive. It seems like the two of them can never be together without their lives being threatened, even if this time the threat is the soldiers he used to fight alongside with all around them rather than hunger.
He can't sleep because of it. Not well, anyway. So instead he's just sitting at the spot they ended up camping out at for the night, making sure their small campfire doesn't entirely burn out, but doesn't grow much bigger and too noticable either. Moreso than his own safety, the heavy weight on his shouler that shouldn't be as comfortable as it emotionally is reminds him that he has to make sure no one will find them out here. Yongjae probably isn't asleep too deeply - have either of them slept deeply at all in a long while, honestly? - but he's still resting against Chaerok's shoulder while sitting next to him, and he wouldn't want to have to wake the other up for anything, let alone for a bunch of soldiers finding the fugitives they've been looking for for a long time now out here. Not that they haven't had enough run ins with those already, but just for now, Chaerok wants a moment of calm. Even if it's not a moment of sleep, it's still a moment where he can just stare into the flames and let his sight blur and his thoughts wander for a moment.
Sometimes an awkward sense of guilt emerges in the back of his head whenever he lets his thoughts wander. Because he practically betrayed his people, his country - his leader. It's not like he meant to on purpose, but after he accidentally shot that other soldier and ran away with Yongjae, his fate had been sealed. His great leader knew what he had done, and he would most likely never be forgiven for it. There's no greater crime than treason to the nation, after all.
It's not even his only crime and he knows it. And he knows the great leader knows it, knows what he's doing every moment, knows whatever he's seeing through his eyes. Knows that he's sometimes holding Yongjae's hand at moments where he feels oddly weak, knows that he's kissing Yongjae like there's nothing else in the world in those moments, knows that he's having sex with Yongjae thirstily and needily.
Knows that he loves Yongjae, and that Yongjae is more important to him than anything else. More important than himself and his own life. And - the biggest sin of all - more important than even the great leader himself.
Despite his outward awkward emotional capacities that make not much show on his face very often, Chaerok feels like his heart hasn't stopped racing for even a single moment since he was reunited with his childhood friend. If at moments it wasn't due to the way Yongjae made him feel whenever he did as much as touch him or look at him, drawing an intense longing for the other out of him, then it was out of worry for the other's safety, wanting to keep the boy who hadn't experienced the harshness of the world as heavily ever since he left the North as much as Chaerok had safe. Satisfied. Completely out of trouble. An impossible task in this broken world, but Chaerok would do absolutely anything to try anyway.
At least they should be safe out here tonight. Not safe enough for him to feel like he can sleep, but at least safe enough that his rifle is lying on the ground rather than resting in his hands, safe enough that the smaller guns they robbed are still tucked away.
Safe enough that he dares to wrap an arm around the other and pull him a little closer.. until he feels the other stir and Chaerok turns his head a little, his voice soft. ]
[ It really is a cruel throwback to the way things were when they were young, two boys too small to be worrying about whether or not they'll live to see tomorrow. Things are hardly any different now; the two of them are still two boys too young to be worrying about whether or not they'll live to see tomorrow. With the way things are now, it's more of a wonder whether or not they'll live through the house. Patrols are on surveillance constantly through the city, and the only thing coming between them and death is luck and quick thinking. The number of times the two of them have had to sneak out a window or dive into a bush is uncountable. They've spent more nights cowering against each other waiting to be discovered than they have having a well earned rest.
Which is exactly why Yongjae is so exhausted. For months and weeks and days he can't sleep from fear and anxiety of being caught, but so often it catches up to him and he ends up collapsing where he stands, too hungry and exhausted to be on edge any longer. It starts off as nothing more than a long blink, and suddenly he wakes up next to Chaerok, or with Chaerok shaking him awake and hauling him bodily to his feet before the both of them get shot by patrols.
It's difficult to feel safe in a situation like this one, and for all Yongjae's abrupt passing out, he never wakes up feeling much more rested than before. But, when the place he collapses is against the shoulder of his best friend, he feels a lot more at ease than anywhere else. Against Chaerok, he knows that he's in good hands, and Chaerok won't let anything happen to him. Chaerok has been kind of amazing and Yongjae can't believe every day that this is the same best friend who used to collect sticks with him when they were young and pretend they were honored soldiers.
He's barely conscious, face buried in Chaerok's shoulder and body leaned up against him. It's the only way for him to feel even remotely safe anymore. When he was just a naive little boy playing war games on his TV, he used to think he would be fine during an invasion. Fighting back with everything he's got. But there's a huge difference between pixel violence and reality, and he knows that he's stress vomited more times than he's willing to admit to Chaerok. Hot, acidic, shameful; exactly how someone who thinks of himself as a main, fearless hero shouldn't be acting. He had so many delusions of grandeur about himself before all this happened that the reality just makes him ashamed of who he is. He used to think of himself as much stronger than this.
Another part of what makes it difficult to sleep. Even now he's barely unconscious, focusing every iota of energy he has into his shot senses, unable to do anything else other than just listen on the fringes of sleep. He wearily nods his head against Chaerok's shoulder, tired eyes refusing to crack. ]
[ It had always seemed so natural to try and offer up the few good things in this situation to Yongjae. Growing up and being trained in a place where the only thing you were supposed to think about was someone other than yourself to begin with is a very good way to completely lose your sense of self, after all. Chaerok has never really thought of himself and his needs before - ever since his family died and Yongjae left, anyway - and now it's entirely the same thing. The only difference is that his priorities have shifted away from the great leader to his refound best friend.
In itself it's one of the very first selfish things he's ever done. From everything he knows and even still partially feels, he knows he shouldn't be doing this. When he first fucked up and broke Yongjae out of that holding cell, he should have let Yongjae flee at the very worst and hand himself in to be executed for what he did. He shouldn't have ran away together with Yongjae. He shouldn't have kept going with the other, indulging in touches and presence and even conversations once they grew more used to each other's way of talking. And yet he didn't - Yongjae is the one thing he can't give up, the one thing he does entirely want for himself, his one desire.
So giving Yongjae small things - bigger portions of the food they found, moments of sleep while he's keeping guard - seemed natural. It's not like Chaerok can go entirely without sleep, but he's only done it in small bursts when he knew it was as safe as they were going to get in their situation. Shot nerves isn't really his problem, considering what he's grown up with all his life, but he'd rather let Yongjae sleep than him, considering how much trouble the other has with it.
Which is evident even now. When Yongjae gives that sort of answer, he really wants to tell the other to just sleep.. but he knows it's not that easy. Even if the doesn't know the full extent of what's going on inside the other - way too emotionally stunted to even grasp that sort of thing, he can still tell his best friend has been more than just a little troubled, especially when it comes to sleeping.
He gently takes a hold of the other and starts moving him - slowly, so he won't entirely shake Yongjae out of the sleep he's trying to get right now - until the other is lying on Chaerok's lap instead. He is, has never been, good with these things, but he figures it's better than doing nothing at all.
(He, for one, would love to sleep like that on Yongjae's lap if the circumstances were any better - a thought that feels oddly shameful, the deep sense of betrayal and guilt to his country and leader kicking him in the stomach.) ]
There's nothing going on.
[ His voice is low, soft.. for once not because they're in danger of being found and he has to keep quiet, but more so it won't suddenly be too startling to Yongjae. The implication in his words is clear - if that's what's keeping Yongjae awake right now, then don't worry. Hell, even if Yongjae was deep asleep to a point he wouldn't be woken up in a dangerous situation, Chaerok would damn well carry the other out of there if he had to. He's never going to let any harm come to the other. ]
I'm keeping guard.
[ He's just awkwardly been sitting there after having laid the other down on his lap for a few moments, but his hand slowly moves until it's brushing through the other's hair a little. There's something characteristically awkward about the gesture, but it's not as if Chaerok dislikes it. He's just still fumbling his way through all the feelings, both sweet and thirsty, that he'd never felt before he found Yongjae again. ]
[ If Yongjae were less of a coward and more of the hero he always thought himself as being, there's no way he would have let Chaerok come with him after breaking him out. He would have found some miraculous way to make it look like he got out himself, and had nobody any the wiser about his and Chaerok's past relationship. If he were more of a man, he would have protected Chaerok from all of this starvation and dehydration and exhaustion and running... but he isn't. He needed Chaerok because he was scared of being alone.
Even now still, he's scared of being alone. When Chaerok isn't within arms reach he starts to feel nervous, and being out of eyeline of each other gives him jitters he'll never admit to. He used to think he was a self sufficient person who could survive without relying on anybody for anything, but reality is such a harsh buzzkill. Yongjae the almighty can't even stand to sleep alone anymore.
There's nothing selfish about the way Chaerok treats him. Always the bigger portion, always the cleaner shirt, always the first to be patched up and mended; Chaerok is always looking out for him, and all Yongjae can do is take it all without protest. Why? Because he's a coward. Even Chaerok knows by now that he's a coward.
The only small miracle is that at least nobody else is alive to see what a spectacular fuckup Yongjae turned out to be.
He nods gently, leaning into Chaerok's grip as he's dropped gently down into his lap, heavily against Chaerok's thigh, happily nuzzling against his stomach. After a moment he cracks an eye open--just one--looking tiredly up at Chaerok. ]
I'm not sleeping.
[ Strong man Yongjae could stay up forever. It sounds more like he's trying to convince himself than trying to convince Chaerok. ]
[ The answer comes a little slowly from Chaerok. It's not as if he hasn't been worn down by their circumstances either. It's not like things were much better back in the North, but at least he did get to eat as a soldier, even if it wasn't much - but considering he was used to catching bugs to eat with Yongjae when they were little, every little bit was better than that. But surviving off what they can find or steal has been pretty difficult with everything going on here, and with Chaerok sacrificing more than half of it to his best friend, it isn't like he's been eating well or sleeping well or-- doing much of anything well, really.
But he's managing. Growing up the way he has until now has made him pretty socially challenged, among other things, but it means he's a little harder. Even if it wasn't his ideal to necessarily be super strong the way Yongjae longs to be now, he's still grown into a person who can endure the lack of sleep at least a little better, or the lack of food, or not being very clean.
Even if he might not have longed to be this way before, it does help now, and he's glad for it. Even if Yongjae might be mad at himself, Chaerok would absolutely never judge him for being weaker, even if Chaerok does acknowledge their difference in both physical and mental strength. He's just glad to be able to be someone that Yongjae can lean on, both literally and metaphorically. If he could take every single discomfort onto himself, he would.
His hand keeps brushing through the other's hair, even though he's not sure if Yongjae even likes it. Yongjae wants to seem strong, and the gesture is soft and could be interpreted as coddling. He probably doesn't want to be someone lying on another guy's lap while said guy runs his hand through his hair, but.. it feels nice. It feels so comforting to have Yongjae right there, knowing he's safe, knowing he's - relatively speaking - okay. Because Yongjae sure isn't the only one who feels more on edge when they seperate-- at this point Chaerok practically needs to know Yongjae is okay to not feel like he's falling apart. ]
You're not.
[ But he's also willing to at least indulge the other in what he's telling himself. Even if he thinks Yongjae is weak and that's why he has to protect him at all costs, he won't say it - it feels too cruel, even for someone who can be as awkwardly blunt as Chaerok.
Not that the need to help and protect doesn't creep in a little all the same, leading to his next suggestion as he looks down at the other. ]
You can though. If you want. [ Chaerok can just take another turn to sleep. And he'll keep telling himself that for days and days on end, that it'll be his turn next time, until he's given away so many turns to Yongjae that he'll pass out from exhaustion while they're huddling and hiding somewhere for the night. ]
[ The thing Chaerok has grown into is something Yongjae could only dream he had. Someone who will do what's necessary because it's necessary, with no whining or complaints. Who will do what has to be done because it has to be done, no hesitations or idle thoughts of running away to hide in some cupboard somewhere where nobody will ever find him. He bets that his hardened best friend turned boyfriend never has thoughts like that, and Yongjae always gets this nagging feeling of guilt whenever he even thinks of entertaining the idea of running away now.
It isn't that he wants to leave Chaerok to fend for himself (even though he'd do so much better alone); he wants the both of them to be somewhere far from here, where they can sleep in peace and eat whenever they feel like it without the need to ration their every calorie down to the minuscule micro amounts stuck under their fingernails.
Unfortunately, things aren't as easy as just wishing the both of them were somewhere other than this. If wishful thinking could get them away from this, Yongjae would have been long gone from day one. Just getting away from this place is something they've been trying to do for weeks now, and it's easier said than done. South Korea has never been a small place from the beginning, and walking from one side to the other takes a lot more discipline than Yongjae is used to; sitting in the back seat of the car and waiting for someone to wake him up on arrival.
Though the feeling is the same; eyes suddenly heavy, energy reserves low, sleep creeping up on him no matter how hard he wants to stay awake...
He closes his eyes again and lets Chaerok stroke through his hair; it doesn't feel babying or patronizing, as long as it's coming from Chaerok. It just feels comforting and safe, and he feels like drifting off already...
He doesn't, though. He's slept more than enough, compared to Chaerok, and he reaches up blindly to grab Chaerok by the collar, gently pulling him down so he can lean up and kiss him softly on the mouth, keeping him held there even once he pulls back. ]
[ At least some things are slowly starting to feel a little more normal. He still remembers the first time they kissed - it instantly summoned a feeling of panic in him afterwards. It just didn't feel right, he had never been told about something like this. All he had been taught was to serve his country, to serve the great leader. Kissing another boy, his best friend, definitely wasn't part of that.. especially not when it kept repeating over and over.
But even though it still summons an instinctive feeling of guilt in him (what wouldn't the great leader think if he saw him like this), Chaerok is far beyond the point where he'll let that stop him. It's like Yongjae has grown to be his only solace in a world that won't even throw him a scrap of food or won't even leave him alive if it spots him. Yongjae who remains soft under his touch even if he's grown a little more boney over the weeks turning into months they've spent together now. Yongjae with just the right hairlength to comfortably run his hands through his hair. He's everything that Chaerok isn't, but to him that's just a good thing. He wouldn't want to see Yongjae the way he is, not now he's slowly starting to realise the downsides of the way he's been raised all this time.
But all those realisations make the temptation to kiss Yongjae more a lot greater too. Chaerok has grown too thirsty to just be complacent with that one kiss the other is giving him, and after that "no" crosses Yongjae's lips, Chaerok is already diving in for another kiss - a little harder, but not much - and then another. There's something a little desperate and almost helpless in it that almost feels odd compared with how in control Chaerok seems when he does things most people would feel helpless at, like using a gun.
But this - this is exactly one of those things he's worse at than most people. Showing feelings. Trying to put into words or actions what he's thinking. Completely normal social interactions. Even now he's still not sure how much kissing is okay or normal or what he's supposed to do half of the time, but Yongjae usually lets him do what he wants, and by that he assumes the other is okay with it too. It's more comfortable than interacting with anyone at all could ever be for him.
Not that he's still very good at it. Right now words completely elude him, he has no idea at all what to say when he just kissed the other so thirstily.. especially not with a few days in a row of hardly any sleep and not much food taking its toll on him. Physical functions never kick the bucket first for him when he runs out of energy, he could shoot or run a marathon on sheer instinct if he had to. It's usually words and the ability to express himself that goes first instead. ]
[ For Yongjae, kissing Chaeok the first time didn't bring him panic or unease. It didn't make him guilty or fill him with dread. It didn't even clue him in that there were people nearby, and Chaerok was desperately trying to shut him up as quickly as he could think of. Really, the only thing it did was make him feel giddy. It wasn't the kind of giddy feeling you'd get from receiving confirmation from a crush you've had for a long time, but the kind of intense rush of emotion you get from someone who you missed out on for so long who has become so exactly your type.
He was young at the time, and grew out of it so fast, and they'd grown so far apart, but there are still dregs of all thoughts in Yongjae's head of a time when he used to imagine days of him and Chaerok living happily together with enough food to sustain them, playing out in a big field.
He's had a lot of crushes since then, between his innocent boyhood fantasies and now, but he's never had the same kind of connection as he has here with Chaerok, even after only knowing him for such a short amount of time since they both became adults. He's completely different from the child Yongjae used to hold hands with and curl up beside, but in a different way now. Not only the way where he wants just to sit with him and play with sticks and rocks, but in the way where he wants to throw him down and stick his tongue down his throat.
Even though they're in the middle of a war between countries right now, Yongjae has never felt as airy and comforted as he does every second he gets to spend with Chaerok.
Especially when they get quiet, free moments like this. When the air is still, and the safety of a silent night means nobody can sneak up on them without them having an alarm go off well in advance. They're in the middle of an all-out war, but Yongjae couldn't possibly feel more at ease with his head in Chaerok's lap. They came from opposite sides, but he would trust Chaerok with his life--for whatever that cowardly thing is worth.
Chaerok has changed since they met again though. He isn't exactly the same boy he was when they were kids, but he's not the same person who came to gawk at Yongjae in that cage either. He's different now, but it's still in a way that Yongjae likes--he thought the Chaerok who broke him out was ridiculously sexy in his uniform with a rifle slung over his back, but awkward discombobulated Chaerok trying to work out how to use a vending machine gives him warm heart flutters.
He laughs at Chaerok's sudden enthusiasm, nothing like the boy who struggled with their meeting on two sides of a fence, wrapping his arms around his neck and biting his lip. ]
[ This is the best possible moment in all of this. One of the best possible moments in all of Chaerok's life, in fact, considering he's never exactly had a great time up in the north - even when Youngjae was still there and it was relatively much better, it still involved going incredibly hungry on many nights, and by the time they invaded the south and actually got to eat, Yongjae was no longer there with him and so it felt like nothing else mattered anymore.
He probably already knew it back then, deep down... This guy is worth more to him than anything else. More than the food he gave up by becoming a fugitive instead of a trusted soldier, more than any of the comfortable beds or newfangled electronics he could have had. He'd near starve for Yongjae without minding it in the slightest and sleep on the hardest rocks just so he could serve as a pillow for the other - things he's all done by this point, and things he certainly doesn't even regret.
That's why this is the best possible moment. A moment where it's hard for anyone to easily sneak up on them and Chaerok's mind can rest at least a little instead of worrying his head off about their safety. (Although there's a part of him that's always on guard, he just can't help it.) Moments where Yongjae draws Chaerok against him, moments where he laughs like that. He's seen a lot of emotions in the other's eyes, but he likes the rarer moments of this kind of feeling from the other the most. That kind of more freespirited and lighthearted emotion that Chaerok had never even heard of before the sight of Yongjae acting like that had his heart doing sommersaults inside of his chest.
He wishes he could have more of it. He wishes he could just pick the other up and carry him to a place where they could feel safe, where Yongjae could laugh so genuinely all the time while explaining automatic doors.
But even without having that much, this already makes his chest feel oddly warm, and his lips twitch up in something that could almost be called a smile - or the closest Chaerok is able to get to one, anyway. ]
What's so funny... [ He's staying so close to the other that he's practically mumbling it against Yongjae's lips, not daring to untangle himself from the comfort that the other's arms around his shoulders give.
There's nothing threatening (not even jokingly so) about the question. Not that Chaerok couldn't be threatening if he had to be, he's been trained enough, after all.. but there's no way he could ever be threatening to the guy who makes his everything melt, the one person who is eerily able to drive thoughts of his Great Leader out of his thoughts for a while. If anything, it sounds genuinely curious, like he's wondering if he missed some sort of social cue here. (It tends to be that.) ]
[ Though their upbringings had grown into something so drastically and vastly different, as much as it has started off the same, Yongjae has much of the same feelings Chaerok does now; Yongjae wishes heavily with all his heart that the two of them could pack up and get away from here with haste and ease. Heading towards the ports is a slow struggle, and there's no gurantee that once they get there they'll be able to get on a boat and get out of here. Even if that fails, there's no guarantee they'll be able to sneak over the boarder safely either.
There's so much danger for the both of them here, some days Yongjae is roused from sleep with the breaking of a twig of a bird flying out of the trees into the midst of a quiet, gasping panic attack. He used to dream of running off into the wilderness on his own to hide in a cave until this was all over while he pretended he was dreaming of heroically saving the day, but now he just wants to get somewhere safe with Chaerok. The two of them, together. His heart aches to stand in front of a convenience store and explain an automatic door between gasping breaths of laughter.
But he doesn't have the optimism to believe they'll make it out of here and things will be the same. He doesn't have the heart to think ahead and hope and wonder; his pessimism would only kill him, and the anxiety get the both of them into more trouble than they need. He ignores it, and takes everything one day, one hour, one step after another.
He doesn't think of anything now; doesn't overthink, doesn't obsess; just Chaerok being around has distracted him from that. He runs his hands through the back of Chaerok's hair. He wouldn't let Chaerok move away even if he wanted to. ]
You.
[ From Chaerok who doesn't know the feeling of touch and spends entirely too much time worrying about what a voice in his head things of him, watching him change from cold and awkward to not letting Yongjae pull back for air will always be funny to him. ]
[ The answer doesn't even bother him. Maybe someone in another context might find it insulting to be thought of as funny - no one back in the North would have wanted to hear that being said to them, that's for sure - but Chaerok is so truly and utterly whipped for the other that he'd let Yongjae call him absolutely anything and be okay with it. It feels like he's having an identity crisis lately anyway with how the North was all of his identity and now that's just gone, but he's fine with letting Yongjae pick the pieces of his remaining personality and identity up again and putting them together slowly. If he's funny in some way, then that's fine. Then that's maybe who he is now. Yongjae can be the anchor he'll base his identity on when he's never learned to form one for himself to begin with.
The thought makes him hungrily dive in for another kiss, shifting his position so he can stick closer to the other a bit more comfortably - but making sure he's not shifting enough to have to leave Yongjae's hold. He'd never endanger the other, but he's sure that right now they're as safe as they can be in this tense country. Safe enough to let his guard down for a moment and indulge in his base desires. ]
Then stay up with me a little longer. [ It's a murmur in the minimal distance between their lips.
Chaerok doesn't mind standing guard by himself while the other sleeps, he's used to standing guard for ridiculous amounts of time without contact from back when he was a soldier. But lately he finds himself with more and more of a seperation between what he's okay with bearing and what he actively wants.
It still feels foreign to ask for things, like a kid trying to ride a bike for the first time and feeling anxious just sitting on it and not being able to touch the ground with their feet anymore. But it slips out a little easier each time. ]
Tell me some story. A memory.
[ Because he's still curious about the time they spent apart from each other, curious about the way Yongjae lived here with his weird machines with drinks in them and machines you can hook up to televisions to play games on them. And it's better to talk about stories like that than depressing stories about his time in the North by himself, anyway. ]
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He can't sleep because of it. Not well, anyway. So instead he's just sitting at the spot they ended up camping out at for the night, making sure their small campfire doesn't entirely burn out, but doesn't grow much bigger and too noticable either. Moreso than his own safety, the heavy weight on his shouler that shouldn't be as comfortable as it emotionally is reminds him that he has to make sure no one will find them out here. Yongjae probably isn't asleep too deeply - have either of them slept deeply at all in a long while, honestly? - but he's still resting against Chaerok's shoulder while sitting next to him, and he wouldn't want to have to wake the other up for anything, let alone for a bunch of soldiers finding the fugitives they've been looking for for a long time now out here. Not that they haven't had enough run ins with those already, but just for now, Chaerok wants a moment of calm. Even if it's not a moment of sleep, it's still a moment where he can just stare into the flames and let his sight blur and his thoughts wander for a moment.
Sometimes an awkward sense of guilt emerges in the back of his head whenever he lets his thoughts wander. Because he practically betrayed his people, his country - his leader. It's not like he meant to on purpose, but after he accidentally shot that other soldier and ran away with Yongjae, his fate had been sealed. His great leader knew what he had done, and he would most likely never be forgiven for it. There's no greater crime than treason to the nation, after all.
It's not even his only crime and he knows it. And he knows the great leader knows it, knows what he's doing every moment, knows whatever he's seeing through his eyes. Knows that he's sometimes holding Yongjae's hand at moments where he feels oddly weak, knows that he's kissing Yongjae like there's nothing else in the world in those moments, knows that he's having sex with Yongjae thirstily and needily.
Knows that he loves Yongjae, and that Yongjae is more important to him than anything else. More important than himself and his own life. And - the biggest sin of all - more important than even the great leader himself.
Despite his outward awkward emotional capacities that make not much show on his face very often, Chaerok feels like his heart hasn't stopped racing for even a single moment since he was reunited with his childhood friend. If at moments it wasn't due to the way Yongjae made him feel whenever he did as much as touch him or look at him, drawing an intense longing for the other out of him, then it was out of worry for the other's safety, wanting to keep the boy who hadn't experienced the harshness of the world as heavily ever since he left the North as much as Chaerok had safe. Satisfied. Completely out of trouble. An impossible task in this broken world, but Chaerok would do absolutely anything to try anyway.
At least they should be safe out here tonight. Not safe enough for him to feel like he can sleep, but at least safe enough that his rifle is lying on the ground rather than resting in his hands, safe enough that the smaller guns they robbed are still tucked away.
Safe enough that he dares to wrap an arm around the other and pull him a little closer.. until he feels the other stir and Chaerok turns his head a little, his voice soft. ]
Are you awake?
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Which is exactly why Yongjae is so exhausted. For months and weeks and days he can't sleep from fear and anxiety of being caught, but so often it catches up to him and he ends up collapsing where he stands, too hungry and exhausted to be on edge any longer. It starts off as nothing more than a long blink, and suddenly he wakes up next to Chaerok, or with Chaerok shaking him awake and hauling him bodily to his feet before the both of them get shot by patrols.
It's difficult to feel safe in a situation like this one, and for all Yongjae's abrupt passing out, he never wakes up feeling much more rested than before. But, when the place he collapses is against the shoulder of his best friend, he feels a lot more at ease than anywhere else. Against Chaerok, he knows that he's in good hands, and Chaerok won't let anything happen to him. Chaerok has been kind of amazing and Yongjae can't believe every day that this is the same best friend who used to collect sticks with him when they were young and pretend they were honored soldiers.
He's barely conscious, face buried in Chaerok's shoulder and body leaned up against him. It's the only way for him to feel even remotely safe anymore. When he was just a naive little boy playing war games on his TV, he used to think he would be fine during an invasion. Fighting back with everything he's got. But there's a huge difference between pixel violence and reality, and he knows that he's stress vomited more times than he's willing to admit to Chaerok. Hot, acidic, shameful; exactly how someone who thinks of himself as a main, fearless hero shouldn't be acting. He had so many delusions of grandeur about himself before all this happened that the reality just makes him ashamed of who he is. He used to think of himself as much stronger than this.
Another part of what makes it difficult to sleep. Even now he's barely unconscious, focusing every iota of energy he has into his shot senses, unable to do anything else other than just listen on the fringes of sleep. He wearily nods his head against Chaerok's shoulder, tired eyes refusing to crack. ]
Nngh.
[ Barely. ]
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In itself it's one of the very first selfish things he's ever done. From everything he knows and even still partially feels, he knows he shouldn't be doing this. When he first fucked up and broke Yongjae out of that holding cell, he should have let Yongjae flee at the very worst and hand himself in to be executed for what he did. He shouldn't have ran away together with Yongjae. He shouldn't have kept going with the other, indulging in touches and presence and even conversations once they grew more used to each other's way of talking. And yet he didn't - Yongjae is the one thing he can't give up, the one thing he does entirely want for himself, his one desire.
So giving Yongjae small things - bigger portions of the food they found, moments of sleep while he's keeping guard - seemed natural. It's not like Chaerok can go entirely without sleep, but he's only done it in small bursts when he knew it was as safe as they were going to get in their situation. Shot nerves isn't really his problem, considering what he's grown up with all his life, but he'd rather let Yongjae sleep than him, considering how much trouble the other has with it.
Which is evident even now. When Yongjae gives that sort of answer, he really wants to tell the other to just sleep.. but he knows it's not that easy. Even if the doesn't know the full extent of what's going on inside the other - way too emotionally stunted to even grasp that sort of thing, he can still tell his best friend has been more than just a little troubled, especially when it comes to sleeping.
He gently takes a hold of the other and starts moving him - slowly, so he won't entirely shake Yongjae out of the sleep he's trying to get right now - until the other is lying on Chaerok's lap instead. He is, has never been, good with these things, but he figures it's better than doing nothing at all.
(He, for one, would love to sleep like that on Yongjae's lap if the circumstances were any better - a thought that feels oddly shameful, the deep sense of betrayal and guilt to his country and leader kicking him in the stomach.) ]
There's nothing going on.
[ His voice is low, soft.. for once not because they're in danger of being found and he has to keep quiet, but more so it won't suddenly be too startling to Yongjae. The implication in his words is clear - if that's what's keeping Yongjae awake right now, then don't worry. Hell, even if Yongjae was deep asleep to a point he wouldn't be woken up in a dangerous situation, Chaerok would damn well carry the other out of there if he had to. He's never going to let any harm come to the other. ]
I'm keeping guard.
[ He's just awkwardly been sitting there after having laid the other down on his lap for a few moments, but his hand slowly moves until it's brushing through the other's hair a little. There's something characteristically awkward about the gesture, but it's not as if Chaerok dislikes it. He's just still fumbling his way through all the feelings, both sweet and thirsty, that he'd never felt before he found Yongjae again. ]
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Even now still, he's scared of being alone. When Chaerok isn't within arms reach he starts to feel nervous, and being out of eyeline of each other gives him jitters he'll never admit to. He used to think he was a self sufficient person who could survive without relying on anybody for anything, but reality is such a harsh buzzkill. Yongjae the almighty can't even stand to sleep alone anymore.
There's nothing selfish about the way Chaerok treats him. Always the bigger portion, always the cleaner shirt, always the first to be patched up and mended; Chaerok is always looking out for him, and all Yongjae can do is take it all without protest. Why? Because he's a coward. Even Chaerok knows by now that he's a coward.
The only small miracle is that at least nobody else is alive to see what a spectacular fuckup Yongjae turned out to be.
He nods gently, leaning into Chaerok's grip as he's dropped gently down into his lap, heavily against Chaerok's thigh, happily nuzzling against his stomach. After a moment he cracks an eye open--just one--looking tiredly up at Chaerok. ]
I'm not sleeping.
[ Strong man Yongjae could stay up forever. It sounds more like he's trying to convince himself than trying to convince Chaerok. ]
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[ The answer comes a little slowly from Chaerok. It's not as if he hasn't been worn down by their circumstances either. It's not like things were much better back in the North, but at least he did get to eat as a soldier, even if it wasn't much - but considering he was used to catching bugs to eat with Yongjae when they were little, every little bit was better than that. But surviving off what they can find or steal has been pretty difficult with everything going on here, and with Chaerok sacrificing more than half of it to his best friend, it isn't like he's been eating well or sleeping well or-- doing much of anything well, really.
But he's managing. Growing up the way he has until now has made him pretty socially challenged, among other things, but it means he's a little harder. Even if it wasn't his ideal to necessarily be super strong the way Yongjae longs to be now, he's still grown into a person who can endure the lack of sleep at least a little better, or the lack of food, or not being very clean.
Even if he might not have longed to be this way before, it does help now, and he's glad for it. Even if Yongjae might be mad at himself, Chaerok would absolutely never judge him for being weaker, even if Chaerok does acknowledge their difference in both physical and mental strength. He's just glad to be able to be someone that Yongjae can lean on, both literally and metaphorically. If he could take every single discomfort onto himself, he would.
His hand keeps brushing through the other's hair, even though he's not sure if Yongjae even likes it. Yongjae wants to seem strong, and the gesture is soft and could be interpreted as coddling. He probably doesn't want to be someone lying on another guy's lap while said guy runs his hand through his hair, but.. it feels nice. It feels so comforting to have Yongjae right there, knowing he's safe, knowing he's - relatively speaking - okay. Because Yongjae sure isn't the only one who feels more on edge when they seperate-- at this point Chaerok practically needs to know Yongjae is okay to not feel like he's falling apart. ]
You're not.
[ But he's also willing to at least indulge the other in what he's telling himself. Even if he thinks Yongjae is weak and that's why he has to protect him at all costs, he won't say it - it feels too cruel, even for someone who can be as awkwardly blunt as Chaerok.
Not that the need to help and protect doesn't creep in a little all the same, leading to his next suggestion as he looks down at the other. ]
You can though. If you want. [ Chaerok can just take another turn to sleep. And he'll keep telling himself that for days and days on end, that it'll be his turn next time, until he's given away so many turns to Yongjae that he'll pass out from exhaustion while they're huddling and hiding somewhere for the night. ]
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It isn't that he wants to leave Chaerok to fend for himself (even though he'd do so much better alone); he wants the both of them to be somewhere far from here, where they can sleep in peace and eat whenever they feel like it without the need to ration their every calorie down to the minuscule micro amounts stuck under their fingernails.
Unfortunately, things aren't as easy as just wishing the both of them were somewhere other than this. If wishful thinking could get them away from this, Yongjae would have been long gone from day one. Just getting away from this place is something they've been trying to do for weeks now, and it's easier said than done. South Korea has never been a small place from the beginning, and walking from one side to the other takes a lot more discipline than Yongjae is used to; sitting in the back seat of the car and waiting for someone to wake him up on arrival.
Though the feeling is the same; eyes suddenly heavy, energy reserves low, sleep creeping up on him no matter how hard he wants to stay awake...
He closes his eyes again and lets Chaerok stroke through his hair; it doesn't feel babying or patronizing, as long as it's coming from Chaerok. It just feels comforting and safe, and he feels like drifting off already...
He doesn't, though. He's slept more than enough, compared to Chaerok, and he reaches up blindly to grab Chaerok by the collar, gently pulling him down so he can lean up and kiss him softly on the mouth, keeping him held there even once he pulls back. ]
No.
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But even though it still summons an instinctive feeling of guilt in him (what wouldn't the great leader think if he saw him like this), Chaerok is far beyond the point where he'll let that stop him. It's like Yongjae has grown to be his only solace in a world that won't even throw him a scrap of food or won't even leave him alive if it spots him. Yongjae who remains soft under his touch even if he's grown a little more boney over the weeks turning into months they've spent together now. Yongjae with just the right hairlength to comfortably run his hands through his hair. He's everything that Chaerok isn't, but to him that's just a good thing. He wouldn't want to see Yongjae the way he is, not now he's slowly starting to realise the downsides of the way he's been raised all this time.
But all those realisations make the temptation to kiss Yongjae more a lot greater too. Chaerok has grown too thirsty to just be complacent with that one kiss the other is giving him, and after that "no" crosses Yongjae's lips, Chaerok is already diving in for another kiss - a little harder, but not much - and then another. There's something a little desperate and almost helpless in it that almost feels odd compared with how in control Chaerok seems when he does things most people would feel helpless at, like using a gun.
But this - this is exactly one of those things he's worse at than most people. Showing feelings. Trying to put into words or actions what he's thinking. Completely normal social interactions. Even now he's still not sure how much kissing is okay or normal or what he's supposed to do half of the time, but Yongjae usually lets him do what he wants, and by that he assumes the other is okay with it too. It's more comfortable than interacting with anyone at all could ever be for him.
Not that he's still very good at it. Right now words completely elude him, he has no idea at all what to say when he just kissed the other so thirstily.. especially not with a few days in a row of hardly any sleep and not much food taking its toll on him. Physical functions never kick the bucket first for him when he runs out of energy, he could shoot or run a marathon on sheer instinct if he had to. It's usually words and the ability to express himself that goes first instead. ]
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He was young at the time, and grew out of it so fast, and they'd grown so far apart, but there are still dregs of all thoughts in Yongjae's head of a time when he used to imagine days of him and Chaerok living happily together with enough food to sustain them, playing out in a big field.
He's had a lot of crushes since then, between his innocent boyhood fantasies and now, but he's never had the same kind of connection as he has here with Chaerok, even after only knowing him for such a short amount of time since they both became adults. He's completely different from the child Yongjae used to hold hands with and curl up beside, but in a different way now. Not only the way where he wants just to sit with him and play with sticks and rocks, but in the way where he wants to throw him down and stick his tongue down his throat.
Even though they're in the middle of a war between countries right now, Yongjae has never felt as airy and comforted as he does every second he gets to spend with Chaerok.
Especially when they get quiet, free moments like this. When the air is still, and the safety of a silent night means nobody can sneak up on them without them having an alarm go off well in advance. They're in the middle of an all-out war, but Yongjae couldn't possibly feel more at ease with his head in Chaerok's lap. They came from opposite sides, but he would trust Chaerok with his life--for whatever that cowardly thing is worth.
Chaerok has changed since they met again though. He isn't exactly the same boy he was when they were kids, but he's not the same person who came to gawk at Yongjae in that cage either. He's different now, but it's still in a way that Yongjae likes--he thought the Chaerok who broke him out was ridiculously sexy in his uniform with a rifle slung over his back, but awkward discombobulated Chaerok trying to work out how to use a vending machine gives him warm heart flutters.
He laughs at Chaerok's sudden enthusiasm, nothing like the boy who struggled with their meeting on two sides of a fence, wrapping his arms around his neck and biting his lip. ]
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He probably already knew it back then, deep down... This guy is worth more to him than anything else. More than the food he gave up by becoming a fugitive instead of a trusted soldier, more than any of the comfortable beds or newfangled electronics he could have had. He'd near starve for Yongjae without minding it in the slightest and sleep on the hardest rocks just so he could serve as a pillow for the other - things he's all done by this point, and things he certainly doesn't even regret.
That's why this is the best possible moment. A moment where it's hard for anyone to easily sneak up on them and Chaerok's mind can rest at least a little instead of worrying his head off about their safety. (Although there's a part of him that's always on guard, he just can't help it.) Moments where Yongjae draws Chaerok against him, moments where he laughs like that. He's seen a lot of emotions in the other's eyes, but he likes the rarer moments of this kind of feeling from the other the most. That kind of more freespirited and lighthearted emotion that Chaerok had never even heard of before the sight of Yongjae acting like that had his heart doing sommersaults inside of his chest.
He wishes he could have more of it. He wishes he could just pick the other up and carry him to a place where they could feel safe, where Yongjae could laugh so genuinely all the time while explaining automatic doors.
But even without having that much, this already makes his chest feel oddly warm, and his lips twitch up in something that could almost be called a smile - or the closest Chaerok is able to get to one, anyway. ]
What's so funny... [ He's staying so close to the other that he's practically mumbling it against Yongjae's lips, not daring to untangle himself from the comfort that the other's arms around his shoulders give.
There's nothing threatening (not even jokingly so) about the question. Not that Chaerok couldn't be threatening if he had to be, he's been trained enough, after all.. but there's no way he could ever be threatening to the guy who makes his everything melt, the one person who is eerily able to drive thoughts of his Great Leader out of his thoughts for a while. If anything, it sounds genuinely curious, like he's wondering if he missed some sort of social cue here. (It tends to be that.) ]
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There's so much danger for the both of them here, some days Yongjae is roused from sleep with the breaking of a twig of a bird flying out of the trees into the midst of a quiet, gasping panic attack. He used to dream of running off into the wilderness on his own to hide in a cave until this was all over while he pretended he was dreaming of heroically saving the day, but now he just wants to get somewhere safe with Chaerok. The two of them, together. His heart aches to stand in front of a convenience store and explain an automatic door between gasping breaths of laughter.
But he doesn't have the optimism to believe they'll make it out of here and things will be the same. He doesn't have the heart to think ahead and hope and wonder; his pessimism would only kill him, and the anxiety get the both of them into more trouble than they need. He ignores it, and takes everything one day, one hour, one step after another.
He doesn't think of anything now; doesn't overthink, doesn't obsess; just Chaerok being around has distracted him from that. He runs his hands through the back of Chaerok's hair. He wouldn't let Chaerok move away even if he wanted to. ]
You.
[ From Chaerok who doesn't know the feeling of touch and spends entirely too much time worrying about what a voice in his head things of him, watching him change from cold and awkward to not letting Yongjae pull back for air will always be funny to him. ]
Always you.
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The thought makes him hungrily dive in for another kiss, shifting his position so he can stick closer to the other a bit more comfortably - but making sure he's not shifting enough to have to leave Yongjae's hold. He'd never endanger the other, but he's sure that right now they're as safe as they can be in this tense country. Safe enough to let his guard down for a moment and indulge in his base desires. ]
Then stay up with me a little longer. [ It's a murmur in the minimal distance between their lips.
Chaerok doesn't mind standing guard by himself while the other sleeps, he's used to standing guard for ridiculous amounts of time without contact from back when he was a soldier. But lately he finds himself with more and more of a seperation between what he's okay with bearing and what he actively wants.
It still feels foreign to ask for things, like a kid trying to ride a bike for the first time and feeling anxious just sitting on it and not being able to touch the ground with their feet anymore. But it slips out a little easier each time. ]
Tell me some story. A memory.
[ Because he's still curious about the time they spent apart from each other, curious about the way Yongjae lived here with his weird machines with drinks in them and machines you can hook up to televisions to play games on them. And it's better to talk about stories like that than depressing stories about his time in the North by himself, anyway. ]