mysteries | ic; a guy like me can't hold onto or let go of you

[She stood up after him, her expression changing as she looked at him. All pretense and performance dropped from her face instantly. Leaving her face blank for a moment before a smile split across her face beyond her control. She began to giggle as a strange feeling of joy and mirth spread through her. She had put a hand over her mouth to try and suppress the laugh that was forming.]

Don’t worry, I’m not making fun of you or anything. I’m just, honestly really surprised.

[It took her a while to identify why is was that she felt so giddy. But the answer slowly formed in her mind. He hadn't full-out rejected her. His only protest was that they were still strangers.
After she calmed down a little she gave him a bright and genuine smile.]

You really are different, that makes me glad. [She took a breath, closing her eyes briefly before taking a small step towards him again.] But I do apologize. If i hurt you or made you uncomfortable.

[ At least there's nothing offensive to him about being called different - it's just a fact and he knows it, it's a fact he's proud of. Being like everyone else would just be boring, he absolutely wants to avoid that.

But her laughing like that.. despite her saying she's not making fun of him, the bridge of his nose is still a little wrinkled when he glances back at her, like a pouty little kid. ]

You knew what you were doing.

[ Totally said in that same grumbly kid tone too. ]

So.. watch out! You never know what someone's gonna do when you act like that. [ Maybe he's trying to make it sound about himself (not very convincingly, may I add), but it's pretty obvious he actually means that bad guys might take advantage of her. (And that some part of him doesn't want that to happen.) Itsuki could know - he's probably seen some shit out on the streets. ]

[Her smile fell just a little bit. It was cute, he was actually trying to look out for her. But, he still didn't fully understand.]

Oh trust me, I know exactly what can happen. [She crossed her arms across her chest, looking down and away from him. ]

That's what I said, you're different. You reacted in just the way I didn't expect. [She bit her lower lip, fighting to remain in control of herself. She had gotten carried away. Because, for the first time, she had actually wanted to do what she did to him. To press herself close and whisper against his lips. For once it wasn't for information, or for any other goal. It was just for her own foolish desires.

Her lower lip began to tremble beyond her control, and she squeezed her eyes shut. She clasped her hands around her arms and let out a steadying breath. Memories she wish that she didn't have started to flicker behind her eyelids. She wanted to open her eyes to escape them but was afraid that then she wouldn't be able to hold back tears. She couldn't afford to show any weakness, not to anyone. Even if she desperately wished that she could.]

[ Suddenly it's almost like something pops.

The way she reacts isn't anything close to something Itsuki could have guessed would happen next. The unpredictability is just part of her, sure, but it still means that he can't keep up as easily. All of a sudden she looks so sad and the implication as to why is dripping from her words. And he's never dealt well with this kind of thing.

But at the same time, he can't walk away either. It's like he's nailed down to the spot, unable to reach out yet unable to push her away either. ]

.. Kusatsu. [ The family name he remembered falls from his lips after a moment or two. Or three. It's like he's trying to draw a line in the sand with using that rather than her first name, trying to weaken his attempt to make her feel better by indicating it's not like he's doing this since he cares or anything. ] I'm not doing anything weird right now, right? So don't look like that.

[ He even sucks at trying to keep the discomfort with it all out of his tone. Itsuki just doesn't know how to deal. ]

[For some reason, him calling her even by her family name is enough to bring her out of her momentary daze. She starts and takes in a small gasp. He wasn't doing a very good job of concealing his concern. Not from her at least.]

No, you're right you're not, I-- [She let out another breath and opened her eyes. She let the sound of his voice ground her in reality and let her arms fall to her sides.] You're not doing anything wrong. You haven't--

[She stopped herself, and took a deep breath. She needed to calm down, regain her composure, regain control. Being vulnerable, being weak, it was something that she refused to let herself be. As long as she was in control no one could ever take advantage of her, even if they thought they were. She looked at him and smiled as reassuringly as she could.]

[ It's still weird. Even though she's smiling like that now, all he can think about is what they talked about when they met outside of this place, when she already showed that weird mismatch of emotions - what if this is like that too? Didn't she go from looking oddly sad to smiling like that too easily?

Something in his stomach feels like it's twisting, and without thinking of the fact that she might have more to do at the moment or anything (as if Itsuki would ever think of that first) he's already lashing out to grab her wrist, tugging her along with a scowl that seems more pouty than genuinely angry. Why is she so-- ... so...

Or, even better, why does he care? ]

Why are you so weird..

[ There's about a thousand things he wants to say instead, but he can't find the strength in himself to let those come out of his mouth - so instead he just mumbles that. ]

His hand is so surprisingly large that he might as well have been holding her hand. The thought of that amused her. He had a strong grip, along with his large hands. But it gave her the impression of a child gripping desperately to his mother rather than a man exerting his dominance.]

If there's something else you want to say, say it.

[She said without thinking. Her heart expected more rejection and she didn't know why. Her observations dictated that there was much more unsaid. He most likely wanted to comfort her, but also get away from such a public place. Her hand twitched against his grip, her desire to actually hold his hand growing. But this was not the time for that. They were still strangers. And she was nothing if she couldn't keep her emotions under control.]

[ For a moment he's still walking (more like stomping, honestly) onward, but then he suddenly stops at those words, turning his head to look behind him towards her.

His expression can probably be best described as conflicted at first, his eyebrows knitting together in thought, but never letting go of her wrist. ]

You.. [ It's hard to even get out anything. There's a billion reasons in his head as to why he shouldn't say a thing, as to why he should never be openly sentimental since it's mushy and gross and not cool and people could take advantage of it or you'll show it to people who'll leave anyway and it'll be wasted but..

Somehow he can't help but think of how sad she looked a few moments ago, and it frustrates him so much that he can't hold it in. ]

If you're hurt, then why aren't you showing it? [ Because he's at least smart enough to have caught on to that much in this case. ] You think I can't handle it? I mean-- I don't care anyway, so why would I care if you're looking sad in front of me or not, geez..

[ .. says the guy who was telling her to not look so sad only a few moments ago..

Look, this is hard for little Itsukis. ]

I could ask you the same thing. Why you go to such lengths to hide how much you care.

[She said lightly, looking at him firmly. Her hand twisting slightly in his grip.]

I was taught that showing my true emotions is nothing but a weakness. That people will only ever use those things to hurt me. I was told to never show my heart to anyone, and to keep my heart closely guarded at all times; to never let anyone in.

[Her eyes fell sadly, memories of her upbringing also coming to cloud her vision.]

But, obviously, that leads to a really lonely life, doesn't it? [she said, looking back up at him.] In other words, it's not that I don't think that you can't handle it. But so far you trying to make me think that you don't care at all so why would I then? Why would I be so selfish as to burden stranger with my pain?

[ She's got him there - he pretends not to care, so going by that, she would have no reason to tell him. Except the problem is that he does care, and that he just can't admit it since it boggles even him why he'd suddenly care about her like that.

So Itsuki can't even immediately find something to retort with. Then, as the moments pass, his cheeks start to grow more and more red as his embarrassment about the situation (and his lack of ability to do anything about it) rises. ]

If-- If you understand what's going on, then don't pretend you don't!

[ In other words, if she already knows he's just pretending not to care, then don't rub it in his face and don't let it be an obstacle here. He just can't say it with as many words, and this time his fingers twitch around her wrist as he practically barks out those words. ]

[She can't help but wince a little bit at his harsh tone. She's exposed here and is having difficulty. But she still has to keep her composure. One of them has to.]

It takes even me a little bit to pick up on some things...

[Her words trail off a little bit as she looks down at their hands. Her eyes resting on his long slender fingers for a few moments. She feels her own cheeks begin to warm.]

Are we just gonna stand here in the hallway like this or did you have somewhere in mind? Lead the way.

[She was giving him control. She hoped he understood how important that was. How difficult it was for her. She could easily escape him if she wanted to, but she didn't. She wanted to stay with him and keep talking to him.]

[ His throat suddenly feels a little dry, and his fingers twitch around her wrist for a moment until the grip gets a little less tight. Not enough so that he lets go, but maybe more since some sort of awareness finally dawned on him that he might end up hurting her if he keeps on going like this. (And an awareness he wants to surpress more that he even cares about that fact to begin with.) ]

.. fine.

[ It sounds a little resigned, like he's not entirely sure what else to do in this situation - he didn't actually expect her to give in in any way, so that means he at least has to put some thought into this rather than randomly dragging her along like he did just now.

He's still new, so he has no idea where they could go without a lot of annoying people around.. but considering that Ariga guy was still with the others, the room he was assigned to should be a safe bet for now.

So Itsuki moves there, dragging her in before closing the door behind them. Moving over to the bed, he sits down on it (while drawing his legs up on the bed as well, not bothering to kick off his shoes, and wrapping his arms around his knees). ]

See, I brought you here.. [ .. even though that.. sounds like it's supposed to explain a lot but it doesn't. It's more a "look I did what you wanted!!" sort of thing. Like a pet asking to be acknowledged for doing something good. ]

[ She allowed herself to be lead through the corridors, turning her hand towards his wrist and brushing her fingers idly along the skin there. She kept her eyes on the back of his head. His neck was also somewhat thick, and his shoulders were broad. The Sakura uniform fit him well. SHe let her eyes drink in more observations, about how he walked, how he held himself. Every motion spoke volumes.

While she had expected this, part of her was still surprised that he had brought her to his room. Well, it wasn't his room only, Ariga however seemed to be absent at the moment. She sat next to him on the bed, very close so that she leaned against him a little. ]

Yes you have brought me here. Now what?

[He had been worried about her, right? But there was no way she could expect him to bring that up again. She had to draw it out of him again slowly.]

Did you have anything else that you wanted to ask me? Since I'm such a mystery?

[ At least he doesn't seem to be working up a fuss over the fact that she's practically leaning against him - maybe since Itsuki is too deep in thought over how he's going to word all this in a way that doesn't make it super obvious that he's concerned about her.

After fidgeting with his hands for a moment, he sucks in a breath and speaks up again. ]

Is it any fun? This place.

[ He's trying to make it sound like he's just asking it for himself - he does want it to be fun, after all, he's always looking for more excitement - but it's not his entire intention here. He's wondering if it's fun for her, if her looking so miserable just now is because of what this place was like. It wasn't like the other Sakura guys had seemed like they were having that much fun before either, after all, even if Itsuki sure had fun watching them. ]

[She looked at him, taking in his expression as he spoke. His face was almost like that of a child's. So round and looking to always be in a pout.]

Yeah. It is fun. I get to use my skills to protect people, instead of someone's personal gain. My messiah is skillful and kind. But she constantly needs medical care so I still often sleep alone.

[She shrugged, her shoulder rubbing up against his.] I'm alright for the most part. [she read into his question perhaps a little too far, and continued.]
As long as you can find a way to get along with your Messiah there won't be much of a problem.

[She and Sakari had arrived at Botan around the same and had never had much trouble. But for itsuki it appeared to be exactly the opposite.]

Messiah?

[ Without turning to look at her, he just lets out a dry sort of laugh, taking his lollypop out of his mouth for a moment. ]

I don't need anything like that. [ It's not like he got the best first impression of the concept to begin with, considering what he got to see of the organisation before he joined.. ] I already told them. I'll become a Sakura, but I'll do it by myself. Who cares if you get along with someone or not?

[ If she gets along with her Messiah, then.. well, fine, at least that isn't the source of her grief then. Which means one less person to beat up if this weird feeling in the pit of his stomach would get to that level. But he himself definitely doesn't want something like that. Trusting someone like that.. isn't that just like asking them to betray you? ]

[She continued to look at him, a frown forming on her lips.]

I had no one that i trusted before i came here. That's no way to live. I was only ever used and discarded, and so I learned to do the same with others.

[ She had to be careful. This territory was venturing dangerously close again. Her lips began to tremble but she pushed it aside. She pushed forward for his sake. For the sake of this boy that she hardly knew, this boy who hid his heart no matter the cost.]

My inability to trust people is what lead me to the trouble that forced me to join Botan.

[She looked down, moving her hand to touch his arm lightly.]

If you can't trust your messiah, then, maybe you can trust me instead.

[ The moment her hand touches his arm, he freezes up for a moment - and then he tugs his arm away and out of his reach the best he can, almost as if her touch burned him rather than being just a normal touch.

Before Itsuki can even think about it, the words already roll off his tongue instinctively. ]

W-what makes you think I'd want to trust you instead?

[ He's not sure why he's so surprised about this situation, moving his body in such a jerky way, his eyes darting around. What is this, anyway? Is he scared? Tempted? Offended? Which is it? ]

Even if that forced you here, I'm already here because I decided to join. [ A difference from most people who ended up here as part of something that wasn't their choice at all. ] What could even happen with me anymore?

[Now that was something interesting. If other people knew that, there were many who would feel bitter. Since everyone here that she knew would not have come here if they had been given any other choice.

She wasn't surprised by his jerking away, but she was still a little hurt. Her carnal desires were conflicting with her emotions and logic, even as words floated to the surface of her mind. ]

There are many here who would resent you for that, you know. All of us were forced here by outside circumstances. I for example, I treaded too deep into the company where I worked. I discovered that the Alliance was working in the shadows. I was so effective that they assume I was a spy, and carted me off to Russia for interrogation.

[She neared him again, her face twisting in anger and disgust.]

You fight the Alliance now, and so I pray that you never find yourself in one of their torture rooms. Although with your mouth I doubt they'd have to do much.

[Her own bitterness started to flare up, she didn't want to insult him but, why on earth would he choose to come here?! Perhaps in reality he had no where else to go, and so it was only the illusion of choice. Thinking about that time, taken away from her family and all she knew. She had been strong there, braved the horrors that she had been subjected too. But, now, she had no inhibitions left. And round, bulbous tears leaked from her eyes even as she still looked at him. Her aggressive expression melting away as she succumbed to sobs.]

[ It would have been easier if she just stayed mad. At least it isn't like he hasn't dealt with people getting mad at him before - with his kind of behaviour it's sort of the standard, really - or that he hasn't had to try and shoulder general rejection from other people before. But crying.. that's something he doesn't know how to deal with. He can be dismissive even in the face of the worst anger, but this is different.

Even the fact that she insulted him means very little in the face of it, it's reduced to mere background noise in his ears, instead all he can hear are the sobs.

He's not good at apologizing even when he does realise he's done something wrong or opened his mouth just a little too much. He's also not good at expressing sympathies, considering it's pretty obvious she must be crying at her own memories of it all, her going through that.

Itsuki turns towards her, his own expression falling involuntarily. ]

.. you sure cry a lot for a girl who's trying to be all strict and teach me something. [ It's said with a slight pout, but it's the only way he can even get anything out - by twisting it as always. That's not the problem, it's that he doesn't want to see her cry.

There's another moment of hesitation and he has to swallow thickly, but then he slowly moves to hook the sleeve of his uniform over his thumb, and Itsuki moves it towards her face, trying to dab away some of the tears. Even so he's trying to look away a little like he doesn't really care, but with the act in itself it's impossible to even pretend - only Itsuki would even bother to try. Especially since he has to keep glancing back a little to make sure he isn't poking her in the eye. ]

[ She sobbed, leaning her face against his hand unconsciously. Her right hand reached towards him but fell short and clenched on the meager space between them on the bed. ]

I didn't get a chance to cry then, okay? Every time someone's hurt me I've never been able to cry.
You haven't hurt me at all, and yet I'm forcing you to see me like this...

[ She almost felt like apologizing, but resisted. She had to maintain what little dignity she possibly could. She squeezed her eyes such as she drooped towards him. She wanted him to trust her, because she almost felt like she could trust him. Everything that he thought and felt was as clear to her as if he were shouting at the tops of his lungs. He could grumble and curse as much as he wanted, but he still had a stubbornly honest heart. As stubborn as his pouts and his scathing remarks.
The was a strange kindness in him that she wouldn't ignore. She wouldn't let him ignore it either.]

[ It's obvious that she's trying to reach out to him, even if it's awkwardly not really happening in both directions yet since he's so unsure about how to deal with any of this. He doesn't even know how he's feeling - it's like all of his thoughts and feelings turned into a ball of yarn that came undone and is now all over the place and knotted and tangled.. he can't even find a place to start at.

But he does understand that, for some reason, it hurts to hear this from her and see her cry. It hurts to know that no one ever thought about her feelings, so instead she put up a desirable front for every individual situation, judging by what she told him before. Why do people have to be so annoyingly selfish that they never even thought of...

.. well, he knows what kind of selfish world it is, right? That's why you can only rely on yourself. That's why you have to be selfish, too. ]

Y-- you're right! You're forcing that on me, and it's super annoying, so.. just.. just cut it out, alright?!

[ But for all his bark, there's no bite behind it. Because despite everything, he feels bad, seeing her this way. He doesn't want her to be sad, for whatever weird mishmash of feelings that might be hiding behind that.

So even while he's still saying those words, he's reaching out to grab her when she droops forward, pulling her against his chest.

His arms wrapped around her, he just sits there like that, not saying anything further. Maybe just as long as he doesn't have to explain - whether it's to her or to himself or to anyone else at all - what he's doing, he can just ignore it's happening enough to not tsun about it.

She's warmer than he thought, after all, and there's a nice scent coming from her hair. It's easier to let himself get lost in that rather than to think about anything else in this moment. ]

[She wasn't even shocked when he hugged her. She saw it coming and let her eyes fall shut as he wrapped his arms around her. She lifted her hands, touching him gently at long last. She pulled her arms around his waist and pressed her face against his neck. She let out a few more shuddering sobs and pulled herself as close to him as she could. Taking in a deep breath, breathing in his scent.

It seemed to her that he cared. That he cared about how she felt, and wanted to comfort her, because her pain caused him pain too. She still had little idea as to why, but she didn't mind. She still didn't fully understand why she felt so comfortable with him. Why she was so desperate to be comforted with him. She dug her fingers into the small of his back as she exhaled, finally able to calm down enough to think clearly. But even then, she just let herself relax for a moment. She ddn't need to calculate or plan for that moment. She could just, sit there, in his arms and forget her troubles for a moment. Even if he was still largely a stranger, he wasn't the one hurting her.]

[ He can feel her starting to get more and more calm inside of his arms. And there's something oddly comfortable about all of this, really. It's something he at the very least hasn't experienced in a while, probably longer than that, but.. it's warm, and his heart pounds just a little bit faster at the thought that such a pretty girl is clinging to him like this.

It's something he could get used to, he can't help but think. Even with as embarrassing as that thought is, and even with how frightening it is to let other people in when all they can do is hurt you.. ]

If I.. trust you.

[ Since she did offer that just now, and he doesn't foresee making progress with Ariga any time soon - or even wanting to, really. That guy seems like a brick wall, what are you even supposed to do with that?

The words are soft, only barely above a whisper, and a pout plays around the edges of the words even though they can't directly look at each other like this. Especially not with his face half-buried in her hair by now. ]

J-.. Just saying if. If I do, and you betray me.. I'll-- I'll definitely kill you, got it? So don't even think of trying anything funny like that.

[ She gave a light, slightly wet giggle, sighing again into his neck. This is something that she's never felt before. Feeling totally and completely safe in someone's arms. A man's no less. She ran her hands up his back, spreading her fingers out across his shoulder blades. ]

That sounds fair enough to me. So then if you betray my trust, I'll kill you instead.
[ her words were devoid of any real hate or aggression. Only her genuine feelings as she answered his caution.]

You've been betrayed before then, haven't you. Abandoned even... [ She was definitely going to lose him soon, she knew it. he'd sputter and protest and push her away as soon as she hit on something too embarrassing so. So for that moment she held on tighter, not wanting to let go just yet.]

ic; a guy like me can't hold onto or let go of you

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