mysteries | ic; a guy like me can't hold onto or let go of you

Here,

[ She said, pulling her hands away and shifting back to start edging her blanket out from under him.]

If you're gonna stay here, you might as well be comfy.

[ With some difficulty, she got the blanket free and pulled it up over the two of them. Meeting his eyes briefly again before she curled up against his chest again. Leaving one free hand to play with his hair again. The curls were too bouncy and soft to resist. And the soft sighs produced by her massaging his scalp gave her small phantoms of pleasure. ]

It's always rough with your messiah in the beginning. Sakari has her issues, and so do I. Unfortunately i think that I was actually the difficult one to deal with at first.

[ She said, an attempt at depreciation. Even while Itsuki here may not agree, with how quickly she warmed up to him; she at that time had a very difficult time trusting and getting along with Sakari. But perhaps getting over her fears then allowed her to be so honest with herself now. ]

Of course you were, you're a weird girl.. [ There's an odd sort of fondness in the word. She's weird, yes, but it's what he likes about her. Any other Kiyomi wouldn't be Kiyomi - the girl he's oddly fond of because she's unlike anyone else he's ever met.

He can't even tsun or protest at any of it. Maybe it's since he is getting at least a little bit more sleepy under the current circumstances or maybe it's just since it feels so nice and soothing under the blanket with her, pressed against each other, the feeling of her hand in his hair, gently tugging at it.. The soft sounds and breaths escaping him are like the equivalent of a cat's purr, honestly, she's completely pleased with all of it.

But as tempting as it is to just let him drift off into sweet oblivion, guided by Kiyomi's warmth, he's still hanging too much onto every single one of her words to do that. Especially since there's some ideas that just are hard to knock out of Itsuki. ]

Me and that guy won't get along though. [ Like he's already just decided that - like shutting a door for Ariga. Ariga doesn't seem interested in becoming emotionally invested in this, neither does Itsuki - it's a distance that works, as far as he's concerned.

Opening up to Kiyomi is already hard enough, and she's actually nudging him towards it actively unlike Ariga who seems to accept the wall Itsuki built up.

His words are slurring just a tiny bit, and his head almost actively moves towards her hand, like he's asking for her to keep going on with what she's doing. ]

But I'll be fine.. you're not worried 'bout me, right? 'cause there's no reason to. [ He can handle this. He always has, one way or another. ]

Edited 2015-10-07 21:49 (UTC)

[ Kiyomi's hand paused for a moment after he spoke, pondering his words. She didn't want to stop this for now. Seeing him smile and rub against her hand like a puppy was beyond delightful. But she felt the need to tell him something. Something she hoped could help him. As much as she might wish to be able to help him; in the midst of battle the only one who would be able to save his life would be Ariga. ]

Well, you know why, right? Why Ariga won't trust you right away? [She had drawn her head back again as to look at him better. A small serious frown forming on her face. ] His last messiah turned out to be a traitor. He was quiet and gentle, and we never suspected it. After that happened, I don't blame him for regarding everyone with suspicion.

[ She kept her left hand working in his hair, massaging his scalp while she took her right hand and placed it along his jawline. If he dared to open his eyes he would meet her intence gaze once again.]

[ His eyebrows start to draw together, frowning a little even with his eyes still closed. ]

I know. [ He got to see a lot of that, after all. Itsuki hadn't even been that surprised to see it - if anything, he had just acted as amused as usually. That's just the way the world works, right? It's Ariga's fault for trusting that guy to begin with.

He doesn't even want to think about it too deeply right now. He just wants her to keep gently spoiling him like that with her hand in his hair, not for her to talk about this stuff instead.

Except then he does open his eyes a little, spots her gaze, and it's almost like he's trapped in it - like a deer in the headlights of a speeding truck. ]

I mean.. then it's just this way, right? He has no reason to trust me, and I have no reason to trust him. Sounds like it works out fine when it's mutual.

[ She let out a long, deep sigh, letting her eyelids droop as she bit her lip lingeringly. It was probably unfair to pull out all the stops on him like this, but she wanted to keep him focussed on her. On the fact that she was there, that she wanted to support and protect him. ]

You clearly don't want a lecture right now, so i will refrain. But I will say honestly, that I am worried about you.

[ She said as she tilted her head slightly, holding his face between her hands for a moment before she went back to her caressing.

He still looked about ready to drift off, and she honestly hoped that he would. Here safe in her arms, where he would know that there was someone who believed in him.]

[ She's worried about him. He doesn't really want her to be - because he's tough enough to take care of his own business, for one, and secondly because he doesn't want her to be troubled.

But at the same time, there's something almost oddly nice about it. When she's worried about him, it isn't in any condescending way, it doesn't involve her necessarily scolding him. She gives him the space to make his own decisions about it, she tugs just enough at his heart to try and make him reconsider. ]

I've always been fine. Why'd you be worried 'bout me..

[ His tone is half slurred and muffled from how he's half doozing off already and a little pouty, but he honestly feels weirdly happy. His heart feels oddly warm and heavy, and with her hands off his face he moves to bury it against her once more.

Untangling all of these feelings is still weird and difficult, but he does know that he just wants to stay right here for now, right there with someone who cares. ]

Your first problem is that you automatically assume that you're not worth my time. You wonder how I can see right through you...just saying something like that is enough to tell me that you've been ignored and abandoned and betrayed. Because I know that, I am...concerned is probably a better word for it.
[He was clearly drifting off, so she just pulled him a little closer to her chest and began stroking soothing patterns on his back.]

I have suffered the same things, so I know how the pain feels.
[She sighed into his hair, pressing her face into his delicate curls.]
But right now you don't have to worry. You don't have to leave for my sake or hold yourself back. You can just stay, it's alright, I want you to stay.

[Perhaps saying that all so plainly would end up working against her. But she wanted to be hones,t and she wanted him to feel at ease.]

[ There's too many things he doesn't want to talk about right there, but..

When she says that last part, it makes his chest feel oddly tight and warm all of a sudden. She wants him to stay. It's nothing other people have said much before, but she's saying it so plainly, that she wants him to stay. Even though she's had bad experiences being this close with men before, she still wants him to stay..

.. she's not sacrificing something for him, right? Or even just troubling herself for his sake.. even just that would be no good, despite Itsuki's apparent outward egocentric attitude. ]

Like I need your permission..

[ But even so, he can't say it plainly. The words end up coming out all twisted no matter what, a small pout on his face as his hands move to cling tightly to the fabric of her clothes on her back, like a young child that refuses to let go of its mother. ]

It's just.. I'm--..

[ .. what is he? Or rather, what is he feeling?

Feeling his cheeks heat up in shame and confusion, he buries his face further against her, shaking his head a little. Feeling so sleepy sure isn't helping with conveying anything at all here when he doesn't even understand himself. ]

[Sensing his confusion, she gently strokes his hair. She shuddered slightly at his hand clenching over her back, the fabric of her night shirt being rather thin. Her back arched towards him, her chest pressing further against his.]

It's alright. You don't have to force yourself. I can understand even when you don't say it. You don't have to think about it right now.

[She knew that if she actually told him to sleep he's rail against her; so she instead just did her best to soothe him. To calm him and to keep him there close to her. She wasn't about to let him leave when he was so soft and cored so much about how she felt.]

[ Does she really understand what he's thinking? He doesn't even get it himself, so for her to get it without him wasting a single word on it.. Itsuki's not too sure if that's possible. But on the other hand, she's seen through him when it came to just about anything else - maybe she really is psychic.

Not that he has too much time to wonder about it. Almost as if on cue, like following an order from her, his brain starts to turn itself off. It's alright. He doesn't have to think too much about these things. He's right here, nice and warm and comfortable with her, and she's saying she doesn't want him to leave. She wants him to stay.

It only takes a few more moments for sleep to completely claim Itsuki, cuddled up as close to her as possible and still clinging onto Kiyomi. As long as he doesn't open his mouth, there's something oddly adorable about him, really. ]

[ She draws away a little to look at his sleeping face. He looked so peaceful, so young and serene, just like an innocent child. The feelings that welled up in her chest could be attributed to that, the fact that he resembled a child, but she knew that her feelings were deeper than that.

But she liked this, lying there together. They could communicate best this way, without words and pride getting in the way. In the way he clings to her she can see how lonely he has been. How badly he desires someone to nurture and look after him. But he's grown now, so he thinks that he has to fend for himself.

He is cute and soft and delicate, despite still standing tall and broad like a man. Everything about him tells her that he could never hurt her. He isn't one of the men who hurt her; he's just himself. She feels like she understands him already. And she just hopes that her feelings are communicated too, in how she strokes his hair and cups his face.

Drowsiness now finally finding her as well. Any fear she felt before was now long gone, and she could rest easy in her arms. Snuggling back against him, she lets out a sigh and closes her eyes.]

[ Itsuki can't remember the last time he's slept this soundly. Not that he usually sleeps all that badly, but there's something about him that's so distrustful of the world around him that he's always just that teensy bit too much aware to sleep deeply with his guard down.

This is different. Falling asleep in Kiyomi's arms feels like being sheltered from the world for a little bit - it's a sign he can completely trust her, anyway, that he's letting his guard down this much to begin with.

But it also means that when he opens his eyes in the morning, he stiffens at the realisation of just why he slept so soundly. He's still clinging to Kiyomi in the same position he fell asleep in, cuddling so close to her - his heart beats so quickly that he almost passes right out again from it, and he lets out a squawk of surprise, his cheeks starting to glow once more.

(And yet he doesn't pull his hands off her right away - whether it's surprise or something else, who knows?) ]

[She had slept so dreamlessly and peacefully that she hardly noticed that she had slept at all. Lying together like this, so close that It was hard to tell where her warmth ended and where his began.
When she finally opened her eyes, she couldn't help but smirk at what she saw Everything about him was still so cute. His shocked expression, the small little yelp he made, even how his face turned red once again. She met his eyes, and despite all this he still didn't let go of her.]

Good morning, Itsuki-kun. Did you sleep well?

[He was still far too cute for her to handle, so she dealt with it in the only way she knew how.
She yawned, stretching her body out against his as if to remind him of exactly how close they were. She met eyes with him again, her grin lingering as she shifted back into her comfortable position in his arms.]

[ For a moment he's still frozen - especially since the way she stretches against him sure isn't helping any of this one bit. She's so close to him, and especially now he's not half asleep anymore, the fact that she's so pretty and so warm only gets through to him even more.

He slept this close next to Kiyomi, who genuinely seems to care for him..

Even the tips of his ears are starting to grow hot at the realisation. ]

W-what's with that "kun"?!

[ Not that it's the main problem here. It's not even a problem to begin with at all, but he needs something to sputter about that he can actually say out loud instead of just freaking out in his mind about. His hands slide slightly across her back, but don't let go. It's so nice and comfortable and he really doesn't want to let go yet... ]

Besides.. so what if I slept well, i.. it's not a big deal. Don't get all cocky! [ Over what even, Itsuki.. He's hardly making sense in the middle of his embarassment. ]

[ She continued to grin at him, shuddering slightly again at his touch on her back. She lifted a hand to caress his cheek, her expression softening to reflect the affection she was feeling.]

You don't like 'Itsuki-kun'? Should I call you Kagami-san instead?

[ She said, turning her lips down into a small pout, while tracing her hand down his face to hold his chin between her thumb and forefinger. ]

I for one, slept very well. The best in a very long time...

[ She was going to be honest again. They had somehow skipped over the usual boundaries of emotional intimacy before falling into bed together in the literal sense. It was honestly strange by conventional standards, but it still felt so right somehow.]

I-- Itsuki's fine, don't make it weird!

[ Although calling him plainly by his name while they don't really know each other all that much would be weirder than saying either Itsuki-kun or Kagami-san.. but Itsuki is already someone who dislikes formalities by principle, so if he'd let someone who cares for him use them, it'd just feel like they're pushing a distance between them again. And that isn't what he wants, despite all his sputtering.

It's hard to regain any sense of composure though in this situation. Especially when she grabs his chin like that, holding his face in place so their gazes keep meeting, and Itsuki's heart pounds just a little bit more rapidly by the moment.

No, this is bad. Even if he's accepted the fact that he wants to be close to her despite not wanting to get attached to people out of a fear of being abandoned - even so, he can't feel like this. She said that so many guys treated her so terribly, so he can't be like that too. He can't hurt her, he can't even slightly remind her of it.

He can't look at her and her lips and think about how nice it would be to--

Finally trying to let go of her (it's not easy in their current position), he tries to squirm out of her grasp. ]

[ She sighed and let him go. Seeing that this clearly was becoming too much for him. More than he feared being abandoned, it seemed like he feared hurting her even more. It was deeply touching. But she would be lying if she said that she wasn't disappointed by the fact that he resisted his desire to kiss her at that moment.

She would simply have to be patient. It would lose all meaning if they were all over each other so early on. But even then, the way that they held on to one another so tightly, it was already a different, deeper kind of intimacy that she scarcely had a name for. ]

Alright then, Itsuki-kun. It seems like I’ve held you captive for long enough.

[She did her best to seem sarcastic and detached, but she suspected that her true feelings would show though more than she would like. Her unexplanable feeling of hurt and disappointment that she wanted to hide so desperately. ]

[ Although it seems he was already halfway through climbing out of her bed, he stops the moment he turns enough in his movements to be able to see her expression again - leaving him sitting on his knees on the bed, staring down at her.

It's impossible to miss that expression on her face, and it brings a small frown on his own face as he realises he has zero idea of how to deal with this. He doesn't want to hurt her, so he tried to leave, but.. that's no good either? Then what does he do? ]

It's not like I did anything weird to you while we slept. [ He woke up more flustered than her to begin with, after all. ] But you know that too, so.. why are you looking like that?

[ Although it takes effort because of his own awkwardness and embarrassment kicking in, he tries his best to not break eye contact with her. ]

Aren't you a weird blunt girl when you figure something out? [ In other words-- if there's anything she wants him to do, she should just say it, because some part of his heart is already attached enough to her that he'd be a loyal puppy for her no matter what she wants. ]

[ She props herself up so that she is facing him better, ]That's precisely why I must be so upset then... [ She said, ponderingly to herself, looking up after she finished her thought.] You didn't do anything to me, and yet here you are treating yourself like you're nothing but a danger to me. [ She got up so that she was kneeling in front of him, not breaking his gaze as much as she could help it. ]

I don't want you to leave, remember? You can leave, as long as I know that I can see you again. You don't have to worry about hurting me, I'll let you know if you do something I don't like.

But right now, [She placed her hand on the side of his face, brushing his thumb across his lower lip.] I can see that you're struggling a little bit, and I appreciate it. You were trying not to be a threat to me. But it's alright, you don't need to worry so much.
[In stead of caressing his cheek perhaps like before, she just left her hand there, thumb resting on his lower lip as she met his eyes.]

[ It's no use, he really can't keep up anything in front of her. Especially not in this position. They're so close, and she's staring straight into his eyes - her look makes him feel like she's staring straight through him, like he can't hide a single thing from her - and then there's her hand on his face, her thumb on his lips.

It's stupid. He's never needed anyone, so why would he be sitting here, heart racing like crazy over some girl? Itsuki keeps wondering how he can let himself be so weak, but she's saying she actually appreciates what he does, telling him to not worry.. and he really, really wants to listen to those words, especially in this state. ]

I'm-- [ It comes out a little half-muffled against that thumb, so he pulls backwards just slightly to be able to speak properly, a hint of red on his cheeks. ] I'm a man too, y'know.

[ Despite what he looks like, the sentence implies, but he won't say that out loud.

And without the usual lollipop in his mouth, he leans over after another moment, close enough that their lips are almost - almost - touching. His hand now moves onto her cheek, sliding a little bit further into her hair. It's a little shakey, like exploring unknown territory. ]

I could, too... [ Do the things that other men did to her, that is.

But he doesn't want to be like that. He doesn't want to hurt her the way they did. He doesn't want to touch her just because she's pretty (even if she is, and even if that doesn't go unnoticed), but he wants to because she's not like anyone else and because she sees right through him and because she cares. ]

[ A small breath caught in her chest when he started to get closer to her. She moved her hand to the side of his face and rubbed her thumb along his chin. She closed her eyes and sighed at his hand in her hair, moving her other hand to the back of his head, perhaps trying to push him towards her a little bit. ]
Yes, you are in fact a man. Even if you don't look it. [She smirked, now that they were close enough for her to be able to feel his breath on her lips. ]

So why don't you prove it to me then.

[She pressed her forehead against his and began massaging his scalp again. She could kiss him now if she wanted to, she could get what she wanted. But she wanted him to do it, to show her. Even if they were still strangers, they felt so close and so dependent on one another already. Even if he chickened out, she wouldn't be disappointed, she wouldn't give up on him. She felt no threat from him and she so desperately wanted to cherish tha t.]

[ At least everything is a clear sign she does want it - Itsuki's not oblivious enough to miss that. She seems so comfortable compared to how she tensed up earlier at just him entering the room, let alone more than that. She actually wants this. Even though she's had such bad experiences, she doesn't mind if it's him..

What a stupid and annoying feeling that's filling his chest, so warm..

There's no way he can back down from it when she's saying it like that, that's what he's telling himself. It's only natural, right? He can't back down from a challenge, it's not like he actually wants to do this because he wants to be close to her.

Closing his eyes, his lips brush against Kiyomi's at first before he presses them a little more firmly against hers. There's something a little clumsy about it, like someone who's still trying to find their footing at this whole deal, but it's genuine. Itsuki is even trying to make sure to not press too hard in case she doesn't like it after all and wants to back out. ]

[She grins despite herself. The kiss is so soft and innocent at first. Even when he presses harder it is clear that he's never done this before, so she decides to help him out. She returns his kiss, moving her mouth against hers, doing her best to demonstrate the motions.
His lips are just as soft as she imagined. He was timid and careful, and that just made her want him more.

As much as she'd like to make this into a larger ordeal, she knows that she must still keep it relatively tame, for his sake. Just the fact that he initiated it was big enough of a deal as it was. Even so she digs one hand into his hair, and cups his cheek with the other, kissing him lingeringly and gently to show him exactly how she felt about him.]

There, [She murmured when breaking for air,] Now you can no longer say that the two of us are strangers.
[She returned to kissing him with just a hint of passion, letting him decide how he wanted to respond.]

[ It's a little easier to do this once he gets more into it, enough to realise that he can just go along with the motions of her own mouth - as long as no one but the two of them knows, it's not even that bad or embarrassing that she's leading it. Kiyomi has more experience, after all. Even he can't deny that.

And it's all.. rather nice. It feels nice, just sitting here and doing this with her, to feel the touch of her hand on his skin and in his hair. To hold her in turn. It's a little vulnerable, but it's so nice to have someone there he doesn't need to constantly put his guard up around.

They're no longer strangers, and Itsuki knows it just as she says it. They slept together, all cuddled up, they're kissing now.. it'd be hard to call her a stranger after that, huh.

.. But what does that make them instead?

He doesn't know, and just thinking of it makes his chest feel a little tight, so Itsuki discards the thought and instead tries to return the kiss as best as he can, the passion - in a slightly more naive way - returned. He only pulls his lips off hers for a moment while lingering near her to mumble her name-- ]

Kiyomi..

[ He can't do more than that. There are so many things he wants to say and ask, but he can't get any of them out, not even in this situation. Not even now they're kissing. It's like the action of that is easier than forming anything he wants to say into words. ]

Itsuki…

[She responded. Her name somehow sounded more beautiful when he said it. In his tone she could hear that he was very aware of the weight of it. He didn’t want to use her first name lightly, but in this circumstance, using last names was simply out of the question.

She pulled away from his lips, but kept her hands on him. She kissed down his jaw, his neck and down to his collar bone. She moved her hand from his cheek to his lips to keep his mouth occupied. She pulled down the collar of his shirt, just enough for her to bite his skin gently. She nibbled and sucked so that she was sure to leave a mark. One hand at his lips, the other on his back.

It was enough so that perhaps the memory of her would linger even when their duties separated them. But she was also courteous enough to place it somewhere that was easily hidden. This was after all a secret between the two of them. They were breaking the rules, and neither wanted much to discover what the consequences might be. But for Kiyomi at least, this was worth any punishment she might be subjected too.]

ic; a guy like me can't hold onto or let go of you

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