mysteries | ic; a guy like me can't hold onto or let go of you

[ All she has to say is that and he's already decided. Sure, even Itsuki wasn't sure on his full intentions of going here - whether he was going to stay the night or just go back later, at least when it came to that - but he does know that he's staying the whole night for sure now. If she feels bad when she's sleeping alone, then he'll just sleep here with her. Her presence gives him an odd sense of comfort as well, anyway.

But first he grumbles against her skin a little bit-- it sounds an odd lot like "how could they forget you", but you won't hear him confirm that out loud ever. What assholes, though.. hurting her like that and then just dismissing it? Hurting Kiyomi? Hell, he's only just met her and somehow she's already got him this attached, so how is that even possible? He better never be sent on a mission in that direction, because you can bet he's going to take a detour, Church rules or whatever be damned. He doesn't care.

Itsuki finally pulls back now, his cheeks still a faint shade of pink. ]

Well, I'm here anyway, so.. [ He pauses for a moment, like he's trying to gather his excuse together, and then huffs lightly. ] I mean-- I don't feel like walking all the way back at this time of night, so I'll just sleep here.

[ Because two streets is such a distance, right.. ]

I'll just take the floor..

[ Because he's a scrappy, for one, but also since sleeping in Kiyomi's Messiah's bed would just be weird and sleeping in the same bed as Kiyomi...

.. well, that definitely wouldn't be sleeping with his dokis keeping him up all night, that's for sure. ]

Okay, [She said, a small hint of disappointment entering her voice. She got the feeling that she'd be dealing with this quite a lot. Him mumbling the truth while speaking something to contradict or avoid it. But it was okay. She could tell how he felt just by the way he held her. He couldn't believe that anyone could just toss her aside and forget her.]

But...if you could at least just, wait until I fall asleep...you can use my extra pillow and blanket.

[ She was sincerely hoping that he would just fall asleep with her there, but she knew that she had to at least give him the illusion of control in some way. She took a deep breath, feeling herself start to relax finally.]

I'm fine though. I'm not hurt. I'm lucky enough to not have any lasting physical injuries. [ She let her face fall against his shoulder. Moving her hand then to rest in his hair. She found that she already really like his hair. It was soft, the gentle curls playful and inviting. She found herself even pulling lightly and tangles and combing rather than stroking.]

Fine..

[ Even though something sounds a little pouty about that answer, he's not dissatisfied with the current situation whatsoever. Just lying here with her feels rather nice, it's the same feeling he got back when they were sitting in his room and holding each other. The contact is still a little foreign to him, but in a good way. Like something new he craves more of.

Besides, if just his presence could make her feel better, even though it's him..

He lets her play with his hair without protest, at least. ]

Well, it's not gonna happen anymore from now on. [ Because he won't let anyone. There's ought to be a lot of shady guys out there on missions.. he knows that even if she's disregarding it, it must hurt more than what she's saying. Physical injuries aren't the worst. Itsuki's been in fights, he knows. You can heal from being beaten up to hell and back, but what's harder to cure is what happens to you on the inside. ]

I mean-- [ He squirms just a tiny bit, but doesn't move from his position. ] Otherwise I'd have had to listen to Ariga getting up way too early in the morning again. So annoying... [ Yes, clearly that's the main reason. ]

[ She giggled, drawing her face away from his neck with a faint reluctance. She moved her face far enough away that she could see his face. Smiling at him she moved her hand from his hair to rest on his cheek. She felt a warm feeling in her chest that almost felt like it should be love. But she was discerning enough to know that it was only gratitude at that moment. It would take time for true feelings to grow. But right now she was grateful. And she wanted to stay with him so that the feelings could truly grow. ]

It must be rough having a messiah so dedicated to his training that he interrupts your sleep.

[ She said, doing her very best to keep the wry sarcasm out of her voice. But she kept meeting his eyes like a challenge. Wondering how long he could keep her gaze like this. Her hand on his face, his on her; her legs nudging at his from under her blankets; their lower torsos still pressed together, the remnant of their embrace.]

Of course, it's...

[ He starts out strong, but his tone quickly starts to slide away after that. It's hard to keep his composure in this sort of situation, after all. It's only then that he realises just how close she is, just how much contact between the two of them is going on here. People might say Itsuki is immature, and they'd at least be right in this respect - because his heart starts pounding just from being this close to her, like some sort of little kid with a puppy crush.

His eyes nervously dart around, and he squirms a little again like he isn't sure if he wants to move away from this or not at all. It feels too much like ruining a chance if he'd do that, but it's also just.. just embarrassing, and.. ]

I-it's.. super annoying, yeah..

[ That wasn't a very convincing way of talking normally at all anymore. He just wants to stay close to her and he doesn't know how to deal with it at all - so instead he moves to pull her a little closer to him.

Screw the ground, that's not what he wants. He just wants to stay here like this a little bit more, but saying that is so damn hard. ]

Here,

[ She said, pulling her hands away and shifting back to start edging her blanket out from under him.]

If you're gonna stay here, you might as well be comfy.

[ With some difficulty, she got the blanket free and pulled it up over the two of them. Meeting his eyes briefly again before she curled up against his chest again. Leaving one free hand to play with his hair again. The curls were too bouncy and soft to resist. And the soft sighs produced by her massaging his scalp gave her small phantoms of pleasure. ]

It's always rough with your messiah in the beginning. Sakari has her issues, and so do I. Unfortunately i think that I was actually the difficult one to deal with at first.

[ She said, an attempt at depreciation. Even while Itsuki here may not agree, with how quickly she warmed up to him; she at that time had a very difficult time trusting and getting along with Sakari. But perhaps getting over her fears then allowed her to be so honest with herself now. ]

Of course you were, you're a weird girl.. [ There's an odd sort of fondness in the word. She's weird, yes, but it's what he likes about her. Any other Kiyomi wouldn't be Kiyomi - the girl he's oddly fond of because she's unlike anyone else he's ever met.

He can't even tsun or protest at any of it. Maybe it's since he is getting at least a little bit more sleepy under the current circumstances or maybe it's just since it feels so nice and soothing under the blanket with her, pressed against each other, the feeling of her hand in his hair, gently tugging at it.. The soft sounds and breaths escaping him are like the equivalent of a cat's purr, honestly, she's completely pleased with all of it.

But as tempting as it is to just let him drift off into sweet oblivion, guided by Kiyomi's warmth, he's still hanging too much onto every single one of her words to do that. Especially since there's some ideas that just are hard to knock out of Itsuki. ]

Me and that guy won't get along though. [ Like he's already just decided that - like shutting a door for Ariga. Ariga doesn't seem interested in becoming emotionally invested in this, neither does Itsuki - it's a distance that works, as far as he's concerned.

Opening up to Kiyomi is already hard enough, and she's actually nudging him towards it actively unlike Ariga who seems to accept the wall Itsuki built up.

His words are slurring just a tiny bit, and his head almost actively moves towards her hand, like he's asking for her to keep going on with what she's doing. ]

But I'll be fine.. you're not worried 'bout me, right? 'cause there's no reason to. [ He can handle this. He always has, one way or another. ]

Edited 2015-10-07 21:49 (UTC)

[ Kiyomi's hand paused for a moment after he spoke, pondering his words. She didn't want to stop this for now. Seeing him smile and rub against her hand like a puppy was beyond delightful. But she felt the need to tell him something. Something she hoped could help him. As much as she might wish to be able to help him; in the midst of battle the only one who would be able to save his life would be Ariga. ]

Well, you know why, right? Why Ariga won't trust you right away? [She had drawn her head back again as to look at him better. A small serious frown forming on her face. ] His last messiah turned out to be a traitor. He was quiet and gentle, and we never suspected it. After that happened, I don't blame him for regarding everyone with suspicion.

[ She kept her left hand working in his hair, massaging his scalp while she took her right hand and placed it along his jawline. If he dared to open his eyes he would meet her intence gaze once again.]

[ His eyebrows start to draw together, frowning a little even with his eyes still closed. ]

I know. [ He got to see a lot of that, after all. Itsuki hadn't even been that surprised to see it - if anything, he had just acted as amused as usually. That's just the way the world works, right? It's Ariga's fault for trusting that guy to begin with.

He doesn't even want to think about it too deeply right now. He just wants her to keep gently spoiling him like that with her hand in his hair, not for her to talk about this stuff instead.

Except then he does open his eyes a little, spots her gaze, and it's almost like he's trapped in it - like a deer in the headlights of a speeding truck. ]

I mean.. then it's just this way, right? He has no reason to trust me, and I have no reason to trust him. Sounds like it works out fine when it's mutual.

[ She let out a long, deep sigh, letting her eyelids droop as she bit her lip lingeringly. It was probably unfair to pull out all the stops on him like this, but she wanted to keep him focussed on her. On the fact that she was there, that she wanted to support and protect him. ]

You clearly don't want a lecture right now, so i will refrain. But I will say honestly, that I am worried about you.

[ She said as she tilted her head slightly, holding his face between her hands for a moment before she went back to her caressing.

He still looked about ready to drift off, and she honestly hoped that he would. Here safe in her arms, where he would know that there was someone who believed in him.]

[ She's worried about him. He doesn't really want her to be - because he's tough enough to take care of his own business, for one, and secondly because he doesn't want her to be troubled.

But at the same time, there's something almost oddly nice about it. When she's worried about him, it isn't in any condescending way, it doesn't involve her necessarily scolding him. She gives him the space to make his own decisions about it, she tugs just enough at his heart to try and make him reconsider. ]

I've always been fine. Why'd you be worried 'bout me..

[ His tone is half slurred and muffled from how he's half doozing off already and a little pouty, but he honestly feels weirdly happy. His heart feels oddly warm and heavy, and with her hands off his face he moves to bury it against her once more.

Untangling all of these feelings is still weird and difficult, but he does know that he just wants to stay right here for now, right there with someone who cares. ]

Your first problem is that you automatically assume that you're not worth my time. You wonder how I can see right through you...just saying something like that is enough to tell me that you've been ignored and abandoned and betrayed. Because I know that, I am...concerned is probably a better word for it.
[He was clearly drifting off, so she just pulled him a little closer to her chest and began stroking soothing patterns on his back.]

I have suffered the same things, so I know how the pain feels.
[She sighed into his hair, pressing her face into his delicate curls.]
But right now you don't have to worry. You don't have to leave for my sake or hold yourself back. You can just stay, it's alright, I want you to stay.

[Perhaps saying that all so plainly would end up working against her. But she wanted to be hones,t and she wanted him to feel at ease.]

[ There's too many things he doesn't want to talk about right there, but..

When she says that last part, it makes his chest feel oddly tight and warm all of a sudden. She wants him to stay. It's nothing other people have said much before, but she's saying it so plainly, that she wants him to stay. Even though she's had bad experiences being this close with men before, she still wants him to stay..

.. she's not sacrificing something for him, right? Or even just troubling herself for his sake.. even just that would be no good, despite Itsuki's apparent outward egocentric attitude. ]

Like I need your permission..

[ But even so, he can't say it plainly. The words end up coming out all twisted no matter what, a small pout on his face as his hands move to cling tightly to the fabric of her clothes on her back, like a young child that refuses to let go of its mother. ]

It's just.. I'm--..

[ .. what is he? Or rather, what is he feeling?

Feeling his cheeks heat up in shame and confusion, he buries his face further against her, shaking his head a little. Feeling so sleepy sure isn't helping with conveying anything at all here when he doesn't even understand himself. ]

[Sensing his confusion, she gently strokes his hair. She shuddered slightly at his hand clenching over her back, the fabric of her night shirt being rather thin. Her back arched towards him, her chest pressing further against his.]

It's alright. You don't have to force yourself. I can understand even when you don't say it. You don't have to think about it right now.

[She knew that if she actually told him to sleep he's rail against her; so she instead just did her best to soothe him. To calm him and to keep him there close to her. She wasn't about to let him leave when he was so soft and cored so much about how she felt.]

[ Does she really understand what he's thinking? He doesn't even get it himself, so for her to get it without him wasting a single word on it.. Itsuki's not too sure if that's possible. But on the other hand, she's seen through him when it came to just about anything else - maybe she really is psychic.

Not that he has too much time to wonder about it. Almost as if on cue, like following an order from her, his brain starts to turn itself off. It's alright. He doesn't have to think too much about these things. He's right here, nice and warm and comfortable with her, and she's saying she doesn't want him to leave. She wants him to stay.

It only takes a few more moments for sleep to completely claim Itsuki, cuddled up as close to her as possible and still clinging onto Kiyomi. As long as he doesn't open his mouth, there's something oddly adorable about him, really. ]

[ She draws away a little to look at his sleeping face. He looked so peaceful, so young and serene, just like an innocent child. The feelings that welled up in her chest could be attributed to that, the fact that he resembled a child, but she knew that her feelings were deeper than that.

But she liked this, lying there together. They could communicate best this way, without words and pride getting in the way. In the way he clings to her she can see how lonely he has been. How badly he desires someone to nurture and look after him. But he's grown now, so he thinks that he has to fend for himself.

He is cute and soft and delicate, despite still standing tall and broad like a man. Everything about him tells her that he could never hurt her. He isn't one of the men who hurt her; he's just himself. She feels like she understands him already. And she just hopes that her feelings are communicated too, in how she strokes his hair and cups his face.

Drowsiness now finally finding her as well. Any fear she felt before was now long gone, and she could rest easy in her arms. Snuggling back against him, she lets out a sigh and closes her eyes.]

[ Itsuki can't remember the last time he's slept this soundly. Not that he usually sleeps all that badly, but there's something about him that's so distrustful of the world around him that he's always just that teensy bit too much aware to sleep deeply with his guard down.

This is different. Falling asleep in Kiyomi's arms feels like being sheltered from the world for a little bit - it's a sign he can completely trust her, anyway, that he's letting his guard down this much to begin with.

But it also means that when he opens his eyes in the morning, he stiffens at the realisation of just why he slept so soundly. He's still clinging to Kiyomi in the same position he fell asleep in, cuddling so close to her - his heart beats so quickly that he almost passes right out again from it, and he lets out a squawk of surprise, his cheeks starting to glow once more.

(And yet he doesn't pull his hands off her right away - whether it's surprise or something else, who knows?) ]

[She had slept so dreamlessly and peacefully that she hardly noticed that she had slept at all. Lying together like this, so close that It was hard to tell where her warmth ended and where his began.
When she finally opened her eyes, she couldn't help but smirk at what she saw Everything about him was still so cute. His shocked expression, the small little yelp he made, even how his face turned red once again. She met his eyes, and despite all this he still didn't let go of her.]

Good morning, Itsuki-kun. Did you sleep well?

[He was still far too cute for her to handle, so she dealt with it in the only way she knew how.
She yawned, stretching her body out against his as if to remind him of exactly how close they were. She met eyes with him again, her grin lingering as she shifted back into her comfortable position in his arms.]

[ For a moment he's still frozen - especially since the way she stretches against him sure isn't helping any of this one bit. She's so close to him, and especially now he's not half asleep anymore, the fact that she's so pretty and so warm only gets through to him even more.

He slept this close next to Kiyomi, who genuinely seems to care for him..

Even the tips of his ears are starting to grow hot at the realisation. ]

W-what's with that "kun"?!

[ Not that it's the main problem here. It's not even a problem to begin with at all, but he needs something to sputter about that he can actually say out loud instead of just freaking out in his mind about. His hands slide slightly across her back, but don't let go. It's so nice and comfortable and he really doesn't want to let go yet... ]

Besides.. so what if I slept well, i.. it's not a big deal. Don't get all cocky! [ Over what even, Itsuki.. He's hardly making sense in the middle of his embarassment. ]

[ She continued to grin at him, shuddering slightly again at his touch on her back. She lifted a hand to caress his cheek, her expression softening to reflect the affection she was feeling.]

You don't like 'Itsuki-kun'? Should I call you Kagami-san instead?

[ She said, turning her lips down into a small pout, while tracing her hand down his face to hold his chin between her thumb and forefinger. ]

I for one, slept very well. The best in a very long time...

[ She was going to be honest again. They had somehow skipped over the usual boundaries of emotional intimacy before falling into bed together in the literal sense. It was honestly strange by conventional standards, but it still felt so right somehow.]

I-- Itsuki's fine, don't make it weird!

[ Although calling him plainly by his name while they don't really know each other all that much would be weirder than saying either Itsuki-kun or Kagami-san.. but Itsuki is already someone who dislikes formalities by principle, so if he'd let someone who cares for him use them, it'd just feel like they're pushing a distance between them again. And that isn't what he wants, despite all his sputtering.

It's hard to regain any sense of composure though in this situation. Especially when she grabs his chin like that, holding his face in place so their gazes keep meeting, and Itsuki's heart pounds just a little bit more rapidly by the moment.

No, this is bad. Even if he's accepted the fact that he wants to be close to her despite not wanting to get attached to people out of a fear of being abandoned - even so, he can't feel like this. She said that so many guys treated her so terribly, so he can't be like that too. He can't hurt her, he can't even slightly remind her of it.

He can't look at her and her lips and think about how nice it would be to--

Finally trying to let go of her (it's not easy in their current position), he tries to squirm out of her grasp. ]

[ She sighed and let him go. Seeing that this clearly was becoming too much for him. More than he feared being abandoned, it seemed like he feared hurting her even more. It was deeply touching. But she would be lying if she said that she wasn't disappointed by the fact that he resisted his desire to kiss her at that moment.

She would simply have to be patient. It would lose all meaning if they were all over each other so early on. But even then, the way that they held on to one another so tightly, it was already a different, deeper kind of intimacy that she scarcely had a name for. ]

Alright then, Itsuki-kun. It seems like I’ve held you captive for long enough.

[She did her best to seem sarcastic and detached, but she suspected that her true feelings would show though more than she would like. Her unexplanable feeling of hurt and disappointment that she wanted to hide so desperately. ]

[ Although it seems he was already halfway through climbing out of her bed, he stops the moment he turns enough in his movements to be able to see her expression again - leaving him sitting on his knees on the bed, staring down at her.

It's impossible to miss that expression on her face, and it brings a small frown on his own face as he realises he has zero idea of how to deal with this. He doesn't want to hurt her, so he tried to leave, but.. that's no good either? Then what does he do? ]

It's not like I did anything weird to you while we slept. [ He woke up more flustered than her to begin with, after all. ] But you know that too, so.. why are you looking like that?

[ Although it takes effort because of his own awkwardness and embarrassment kicking in, he tries his best to not break eye contact with her. ]

Aren't you a weird blunt girl when you figure something out? [ In other words-- if there's anything she wants him to do, she should just say it, because some part of his heart is already attached enough to her that he'd be a loyal puppy for her no matter what she wants. ]

[ She props herself up so that she is facing him better, ]That's precisely why I must be so upset then... [ She said, ponderingly to herself, looking up after she finished her thought.] You didn't do anything to me, and yet here you are treating yourself like you're nothing but a danger to me. [ She got up so that she was kneeling in front of him, not breaking his gaze as much as she could help it. ]

I don't want you to leave, remember? You can leave, as long as I know that I can see you again. You don't have to worry about hurting me, I'll let you know if you do something I don't like.

But right now, [She placed her hand on the side of his face, brushing his thumb across his lower lip.] I can see that you're struggling a little bit, and I appreciate it. You were trying not to be a threat to me. But it's alright, you don't need to worry so much.
[In stead of caressing his cheek perhaps like before, she just left her hand there, thumb resting on his lower lip as she met his eyes.]

[ It's no use, he really can't keep up anything in front of her. Especially not in this position. They're so close, and she's staring straight into his eyes - her look makes him feel like she's staring straight through him, like he can't hide a single thing from her - and then there's her hand on his face, her thumb on his lips.

It's stupid. He's never needed anyone, so why would he be sitting here, heart racing like crazy over some girl? Itsuki keeps wondering how he can let himself be so weak, but she's saying she actually appreciates what he does, telling him to not worry.. and he really, really wants to listen to those words, especially in this state. ]

I'm-- [ It comes out a little half-muffled against that thumb, so he pulls backwards just slightly to be able to speak properly, a hint of red on his cheeks. ] I'm a man too, y'know.

[ Despite what he looks like, the sentence implies, but he won't say that out loud.

And without the usual lollipop in his mouth, he leans over after another moment, close enough that their lips are almost - almost - touching. His hand now moves onto her cheek, sliding a little bit further into her hair. It's a little shakey, like exploring unknown territory. ]

I could, too... [ Do the things that other men did to her, that is.

But he doesn't want to be like that. He doesn't want to hurt her the way they did. He doesn't want to touch her just because she's pretty (even if she is, and even if that doesn't go unnoticed), but he wants to because she's not like anyone else and because she sees right through him and because she cares. ]

ic; a guy like me can't hold onto or let go of you

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