mysteries | ic; a guy like me can't hold onto or let go of you

[ She sobbed, leaning her face against his hand unconsciously. Her right hand reached towards him but fell short and clenched on the meager space between them on the bed. ]

I didn't get a chance to cry then, okay? Every time someone's hurt me I've never been able to cry.
You haven't hurt me at all, and yet I'm forcing you to see me like this...

[ She almost felt like apologizing, but resisted. She had to maintain what little dignity she possibly could. She squeezed her eyes such as she drooped towards him. She wanted him to trust her, because she almost felt like she could trust him. Everything that he thought and felt was as clear to her as if he were shouting at the tops of his lungs. He could grumble and curse as much as he wanted, but he still had a stubbornly honest heart. As stubborn as his pouts and his scathing remarks.
The was a strange kindness in him that she wouldn't ignore. She wouldn't let him ignore it either.]

[ It's obvious that she's trying to reach out to him, even if it's awkwardly not really happening in both directions yet since he's so unsure about how to deal with any of this. He doesn't even know how he's feeling - it's like all of his thoughts and feelings turned into a ball of yarn that came undone and is now all over the place and knotted and tangled.. he can't even find a place to start at.

But he does understand that, for some reason, it hurts to hear this from her and see her cry. It hurts to know that no one ever thought about her feelings, so instead she put up a desirable front for every individual situation, judging by what she told him before. Why do people have to be so annoyingly selfish that they never even thought of...

.. well, he knows what kind of selfish world it is, right? That's why you can only rely on yourself. That's why you have to be selfish, too. ]

Y-- you're right! You're forcing that on me, and it's super annoying, so.. just.. just cut it out, alright?!

[ But for all his bark, there's no bite behind it. Because despite everything, he feels bad, seeing her this way. He doesn't want her to be sad, for whatever weird mishmash of feelings that might be hiding behind that.

So even while he's still saying those words, he's reaching out to grab her when she droops forward, pulling her against his chest.

His arms wrapped around her, he just sits there like that, not saying anything further. Maybe just as long as he doesn't have to explain - whether it's to her or to himself or to anyone else at all - what he's doing, he can just ignore it's happening enough to not tsun about it.

She's warmer than he thought, after all, and there's a nice scent coming from her hair. It's easier to let himself get lost in that rather than to think about anything else in this moment. ]

[She wasn't even shocked when he hugged her. She saw it coming and let her eyes fall shut as he wrapped his arms around her. She lifted her hands, touching him gently at long last. She pulled her arms around his waist and pressed her face against his neck. She let out a few more shuddering sobs and pulled herself as close to him as she could. Taking in a deep breath, breathing in his scent.

It seemed to her that he cared. That he cared about how she felt, and wanted to comfort her, because her pain caused him pain too. She still had little idea as to why, but she didn't mind. She still didn't fully understand why she felt so comfortable with him. Why she was so desperate to be comforted with him. She dug her fingers into the small of his back as she exhaled, finally able to calm down enough to think clearly. But even then, she just let herself relax for a moment. She ddn't need to calculate or plan for that moment. She could just, sit there, in his arms and forget her troubles for a moment. Even if he was still largely a stranger, he wasn't the one hurting her.]

[ He can feel her starting to get more and more calm inside of his arms. And there's something oddly comfortable about all of this, really. It's something he at the very least hasn't experienced in a while, probably longer than that, but.. it's warm, and his heart pounds just a little bit faster at the thought that such a pretty girl is clinging to him like this.

It's something he could get used to, he can't help but think. Even with as embarrassing as that thought is, and even with how frightening it is to let other people in when all they can do is hurt you.. ]

If I.. trust you.

[ Since she did offer that just now, and he doesn't foresee making progress with Ariga any time soon - or even wanting to, really. That guy seems like a brick wall, what are you even supposed to do with that?

The words are soft, only barely above a whisper, and a pout plays around the edges of the words even though they can't directly look at each other like this. Especially not with his face half-buried in her hair by now. ]

J-.. Just saying if. If I do, and you betray me.. I'll-- I'll definitely kill you, got it? So don't even think of trying anything funny like that.

[ She gave a light, slightly wet giggle, sighing again into his neck. This is something that she's never felt before. Feeling totally and completely safe in someone's arms. A man's no less. She ran her hands up his back, spreading her fingers out across his shoulder blades. ]

That sounds fair enough to me. So then if you betray my trust, I'll kill you instead.
[ her words were devoid of any real hate or aggression. Only her genuine feelings as she answered his caution.]

You've been betrayed before then, haven't you. Abandoned even... [ She was definitely going to lose him soon, she knew it. he'd sputter and protest and push her away as soon as she hit on something too embarrassing so. So for that moment she held on tighter, not wanting to let go just yet.]

[ It's obvious that she's touching on something, at least, much like Kiyomi herself is already predicting. Itsuki's hands twitch a little bit where they rest on her back, and his body grows a little more tense, as if it's preparing itself for the inevitable denial that's coming up. ]

I'm fine. I've always been fine by myself.

[ It's no direct answer to anything she's saying, but he wouldn't want to give a direct answer anyway - Itsuki wouldn't be able to bring himself to do it. This is just about the most he can do, repeating the same words he's told himself so many times over until he could believe them with all he had. ]

So.. don't force any weird ideas like that on me. [ But even as he's saying that, he's still clinging her, his head tilts a little now so his cheek is resting on the top of her head. It's rather comfortable. ] I'm.. just saying I'll give you a chance. Don't waste it.

[ Feeling him tense up, she began moving her hand soothingly down his back, shifting slightly so she rested more comfortably against him. This was just so nice, she stopped being able to describe it. And so decided to start treading even more carefully as not to not ruin things. ]

Then that makes us the same.

[ She sighed again, while their chests were pressed as close together as they could manage. She could feel his heart beat, and felt their breathing starting to fall into sync. Her other hand went to his head, resting gently in the delicate curls. ]

I'm glad though. I'll trust you too. I know it's not easy. I've only ever been hurt before, even when I did my best to stay uninvolved. So believe me when I say that I won't take this for granted.

[ He lets out a slow breath. Admitting to himself that all of this is nice and comfortable is one thing that he almost - or, well, practically - manages here, but saying anything more is harder. That he feels glad someone is chosing to trust in him, to believe in him. That of course she wouldn't take it for granted, since she seems like a smart person regardless of how weird she is.

.. that there's a part of him that doesn't want her to make such sad expressions anymore, that that same part of him won't let anyone hurt her anymore.

Those are things he can't even admit to himself, let alone to her.

At least he's not moving out of their current positions when he speaks up lazily again. ]

.. where do all of you stay? The girls, I mean.

[ Because it's pretty obvious that here it's guys-only, and he has to know in case he has to-- you know. Check up on her and make sure she isn't betraying his trust. Yeah. That's it. Not because he wants to seek out this warmth again at all. ]

[ she couldn't resist grinning at that, but did resist the many prodding things she wanted to say.]

There is a old-fashioned tea shop two blocks from here. Across from a flower shop and next to an abandoned office building, you can't miss it. Inside is the secret entrance to the Convent through a door in the kitchen.

[She sighed one more time and pulled herself back, just enough to look him straight in the eyes. Her lips curled into a small smirk as her hands fell slowly to rest on his waist, digging her thumbs slightly into his hips. Squeezing just enough to fully get his attention.]

So are you gonna come see me again then?

[ Is this what animals caught in traps feel like? The way her thumbs dig into his sides almost make him feel like he can't escape, like he can only look right into her eyes and listen to the words rolling across her lips. ]

Wha-- [ His jaw drops open a little bit and then shuts itself again at the realisation of what she's asking him. His eyebrows knit together in a frown and he sucks just a little bit harder on his lollipop, his nose wrinkling until he's practically pouting. ]

Don't get carried away!

[ She totally caught onto his intentions though, no matter what he might be saying. Besides, Itsuki is still keeping a more relaxed grip on her too, proving as much. ]

I... I was just-- just curious... [ That's the least convincing excuse ever, huh. ]

[ She grinned again, lifting a hand from his back to pat his cheek briefly.]

Well then if you even need to sate your curiosity, you now know where to find me.

[She leaned forward and touched the tip of his nose with her own. She stood up, letting her hands fall from him lingeringly, keeping prolonged eye contact.]

I have to go now, can't have your Messiah coming back to see me here now I can I.

[ She said with a small grin. She didn't care, and she knew that Ariga honestly wouldn't care. H'ed probably be grateful to her for keeping Itsuki occupied. But she knew that Itsuki would care a whole lot. Already she found herself trying to avoid him making a huge fuss.
She walked to the door, giving him a lingering look as she rested her hand on the door frame, then opened to door and slipped away into the darkness. Her vision was still fringed in gold, everything felt warm. For so long contact with other humans had always been so cold and empty. Only for work or for personal gain. But now she was experiencing the real thing it seemed. Affection, infatuation. As fleeting as those things might be, she was going to grasp them as tightly as she could, even if her hands trembled or her grip faltered.]

[ Itsuki only stares back at her as she moves to leave - he can't even really do as much as open his mouth, he's just staring like he's frozen stiff. It's only when she's left the room that he finally can move again, starting by lightly rubbing the tip of his nose.

It was only a slight touch, not even a kiss or anything, but.. geez, why is he feeling this way? Just by being close to her, by having skin contact with her, by watching her smile like that...

.. it feels so warm.

... Stupid..

For a moment he grabs the pillow off his bed, pressing it against his face before throwing it roughly back to its spot again.

He really likes her for some reason, that weird girl who seems like she sees right through him. It's hard to deny even for him at this point. ]

ic; a guy like me can't hold onto or let go of you

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