mysteries | ic; a guy like me can't hold onto or let go of you

[She gave a quiet, bitter laugh. She didn't even know what she was saying anymore. How could she burden this random stranger with her emptiness this quickly? Why did she already feel so comfortable with him? She couldn't forget social propriety if she wanted this relationship to progress in any way.]

Perhaps I am... [her gaze continued to fall and she felt her head drifting down towards his shoulder. She wanted to, but she tried her best to constrain herself. She'd only scare him off. Being in Europe so long had really destroyed her concept of how much contact was too much. For Japanese people, the little she had done so far was already far beyond every line imaginable, and yet he hand pulled away from her. He felt so warm, and she liked that warmth, she knew. She felt like she needed comfort but she wasn't sure why.]

It means that I don't know who I am. I've spent my life learning how to be other people for one reason or another. You already know that I'm strange but see, I don't know--I...
[She was getting emotional again and she jerked her head upright, snapping her mouth shut, not wanting to ruin things further.]

[ This is all so weird, her saying all of this despite them not really knowing each other.. but despite what Itsuki comes across as (or rather, what he really tries to make himself come across at), he can't just disregard this entirely. If not just since it makes him a little awkward. He doesn't know how to deal with emotions other than cockiness, especially when they're suddenly coming from a girl like this. He's not enough of a jerk that he can just walk away now and not feel a single thing about it.

His fingers awkwardly fumble with the stick of the lollypop hanging out of a corner of his mouth, not quite meeting her gaze but still not moving away yet either. ]

So are you being someone else right now?

[She glances at him and doesn't look away.]

No, I'm not being anyone right now...

[She said, not realizing the obvious conclusion to be drawn from her statement. It was probably because she associated identity with a base-line sort of effort. She had been forced to 'be someone' ever since her grandmother took her in. Lack of effort then came to mean a lack of identity. What was identity anyway? A way of being? I list of likes and dislikes? She didn't know. She couldn't even name one thing that she liked or didn't like, not until now. She liked this boy, this stranger for whatever reason. It gave her a soft kind of comfort that for once didn't feel hollow.]

[ Finally Itsuki glances back at her now, his eyebrows raised a little bit - as if either this conclusion is really obvious to him (not having the same problems as she does) or just since this whole attitude she has is surprising him to what she showed before. ]

Then you're yourself.

[ Isn't that how easy it is? Sure, he knows that plenty of people put up a front, and even he exaggerates his bravado at times.. but when you're not doing that, then you're being yourself. Nothing more needed than that. ]

I mean-- don't go acting all polite or weirdly normal or like something else or.. whatever since you think you have to for some weird reason. I seriously don't have the time to deal with that. [ It's the tsun way of saying "just stay as you are now".. it's not like he even knows her or anything, but it's just a fact that weird people feel a lot more genuine and open than all these people faking stuff just to get on other people's good sides. ]

[She blinked and then looked back at him, meeting her eyes. Even if the conclusion was obvious, it wasn't to her. And it helped greatly to hear it from someone else. He was somehow being very genuine himself, even if his words still endeavored to obscure his sincerity.]

I suppose you must be right. I promise I'll just be myself. [Even if "being herself" just felt chaotic and unpredictable as she was flooded with unfamiliar emotions.

After looking at him for a few moments some of her usual wit returned to her.]

Well clearly you don't find me annoying then. Perhaps you find that you even like how I am then.

[She gave him her by now signature grin. One that was equal parts challenging, suggestive and expectant.]

[ Wait, what--

All of this in itself was already embarrassing enough.. it's almost as if he was trying to help her, and he can't just easily come to terms with that. It's how being tsundere works. But then she's suddenly starting saying that kind of stuff with that kind of expression on her face..

Yeah, he just can't deal with this. He needs to get away from this girl before it's too late. Especially since he can just feel his heart pounding in his chest (in.. annoyance, clearly) as he stares at her. ]

Don't say useless things!

[ He half-sputters out the words as he hops off the bench, throwing the last piece of the old bread to the ducks as he moves, even as some of them are already moving out of the way at his sudden movement. ]

I-- I have other important stuff to do! And you better not follow me this time!

[ Holding out his lollipop like it's a weapon, he gestures at her, and then he finally turns and starts walking away with a swish of his wide clothing - just a little bit faster than most people would. Totally not since he's embarrassed or anything. ]

ic; a guy like me can't hold onto or let go of you

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