[She wants to say that isn't good enough - that Hijikata certainly won't accept It was an accident as a reason for any injury to Shinpachi, not after charging her with his safety (though of course maybe he will, he hadn't seemed to be ordering it to be cruel but rather because he had no other choice). But her protest dies on her lips when he speaks those words -
"Don't do something like this to a guy like me."
She is no warrior, that much is for sure. So maybe she'll never fully understand how terrible it feels to watch a civilian running headlong into danger the way Shinpachi has had to watch her. But she does know the guilt of letting a dear friend take a blow for her, and just remembering it makes her stomach churn.
...if it's anything like that, then...
There is guilt ingrained deeply into her expression. She knows how awful it feels to watch someone get hurt trying to protect her; it must be a blow to Shinpachi's honor, she knows that, and yet... maybe it's selfish of her, but she doesn't want to lose him. She doesn't want to hurt him either, though, and she's stuck between two irreconcilable goals: save his honor and save his life.
Is the fact that she's so willing to choose his life over his honor just proof of how incredibly different they are? Man, woman, warrior, civilian, human, demon... They just keep piling up. She wants to stay by his side, but she wonders if that, too, would cause him pain.
But there is no time for wondering, because he's on the move again and it's all she can do to keep him in her sights. She has to stay close by so she can protect him - but he's trying to protect her - and her heart nearly stops as she sees him strike down soldier after soldier. He is quick and sharp and strong, and of course he comes out of it alive, but if even one man with a gun had enough time to take aim before they tasted his blade...
If he got hurt because she wasn't able to keep up...
Why, why can't she be strong enough to protect him without that protection hurting him?
She nearly lets out a sigh of relief when Shinpachi finally comes to a stop, because if he's not moving that means she can make it to his side. She crosses the distance as quickly as her wounds allow and is utterly unprepared for the sight that had stopped him in his tracks.
No...
She looks on in horror at the sea of corpses and injured men and flinches as a round of cannonfire and gunfire cuts into a group of men and sends them falling to the ground. It's too much. There's - there's no way they can win this. Maybe Shinpachi can think of a way, but Chizuru is no battlefield tactician and seeing these men falling one after another sends her into a blind panic, and she reaches for his arm to hold onto it tightly because if he runs out in there ahead of her like he did minutes before he could be next and she can't allow that to happen.
It must be so much worse for him, she thinks. He recognizes the fallen. They're his men.
...and it's for that very reason she can't voice the obvious We need to go. She would never allow someone to drag her away from the scene, if it was her comrades (when did she start thinking of them this way? They can't think the same about her...) out there - if she was watching Heisuke and Harada charge the line, and then watching them fall; if she was seeing Saitou be cut down with a burst of cannonfire, no honorable battle at all; if she was there to witness Okita crumple to the ground, never to get up again... And Hijikata, and Kondou, and Sannan and all the others...
She wouldn't leave them. She can't ask Shinpachi to leave his men, either. She isn't a warrior but she recognizes that much - and yet, she can't risk him joining them, which is why her hold on his arm never loosens, not even for a second.]
Can... [She swallows thickly, looking up at him uncertainly.] Is there... anything we can...?
[He is the warrior; he knows battlefields. If he says they still have a chance of winning, that means they have a chance, and she'll do whatever she can to help him win. But if even he acknowledges this is a lost cause... then she can't just let him waste his life, but she can't do this to him, can't force him to abandon his men although so many of them have already perished -
...he has to live, somehow. She has to make him live. If he continues to fight, she'll be there at his side. She'll never let him die before she does.]
no subject
"Don't do something like this to a guy like me."
She is no warrior, that much is for sure. So maybe she'll never fully understand how terrible it feels to watch a civilian running headlong into danger the way Shinpachi has had to watch her. But she does know the guilt of letting a dear friend take a blow for her, and just remembering it makes her stomach churn.
...if it's anything like that, then...
There is guilt ingrained deeply into her expression. She knows how awful it feels to watch someone get hurt trying to protect her; it must be a blow to Shinpachi's honor, she knows that, and yet... maybe it's selfish of her, but she doesn't want to lose him. She doesn't want to hurt him either, though, and she's stuck between two irreconcilable goals: save his honor and save his life.
Is the fact that she's so willing to choose his life over his honor just proof of how incredibly different they are? Man, woman, warrior, civilian, human, demon... They just keep piling up. She wants to stay by his side, but she wonders if that, too, would cause him pain.
But there is no time for wondering, because he's on the move again and it's all she can do to keep him in her sights. She has to stay close by so she can protect him - but he's trying to protect her - and her heart nearly stops as she sees him strike down soldier after soldier. He is quick and sharp and strong, and of course he comes out of it alive, but if even one man with a gun had enough time to take aim before they tasted his blade...
If he got hurt because she wasn't able to keep up...
Why, why can't she be strong enough to protect him without that protection hurting him?
She nearly lets out a sigh of relief when Shinpachi finally comes to a stop, because if he's not moving that means she can make it to his side. She crosses the distance as quickly as her wounds allow and is utterly unprepared for the sight that had stopped him in his tracks.
No...
She looks on in horror at the sea of corpses and injured men and flinches as a round of cannonfire and gunfire cuts into a group of men and sends them falling to the ground. It's too much. There's - there's no way they can win this. Maybe Shinpachi can think of a way, but Chizuru is no battlefield tactician and seeing these men falling one after another sends her into a blind panic, and she reaches for his arm to hold onto it tightly because if he runs out in there ahead of her like he did minutes before he could be next and she can't allow that to happen.
It must be so much worse for him, she thinks. He recognizes the fallen. They're his men.
...and it's for that very reason she can't voice the obvious We need to go. She would never allow someone to drag her away from the scene, if it was her comrades (when did she start thinking of them this way? They can't think the same about her...) out there - if she was watching Heisuke and Harada charge the line, and then watching them fall; if she was seeing Saitou be cut down with a burst of cannonfire, no honorable battle at all; if she was there to witness Okita crumple to the ground, never to get up again... And Hijikata, and Kondou, and Sannan and all the others...
She wouldn't leave them. She can't ask Shinpachi to leave his men, either. She isn't a warrior but she recognizes that much - and yet, she can't risk him joining them, which is why her hold on his arm never loosens, not even for a second.]
Can... [She swallows thickly, looking up at him uncertainly.] Is there... anything we can...?
[He is the warrior; he knows battlefields. If he says they still have a chance of winning, that means they have a chance, and she'll do whatever she can to help him win. But if even he acknowledges this is a lost cause... then she can't just let him waste his life, but she can't do this to him, can't force him to abandon his men although so many of them have already perished -
...he has to live, somehow. She has to make him live. If he continues to fight, she'll be there at his side. She'll never let him die before she does.]