[ There's some part of Haku that's vaguely conscious as well of the fact that this is very much like their earlier interactions - back when he was shutting Souma out from the sheer fear that something would happen to anyone he'd go beyond vaguely interacting with, from the belief that no one cared anyway and that he himself was more than content to keep it that way if it meant no one would get hurt. Not him, not others.
This is different. This isn't shutting Souma out as much as it's him not knowing how to handle any of this. It's like Souma's kindness is hitting him all over again, except this time it's more the memory of it than the actual kindness itself. It's the memories of laughing with the four of them during a time that now feels like it's a lifetime away. Souma is so much just.. Souma, so much the usual, that it almost hurts.
So Haku squares his shoulders and straightens himself a little when he hears that question, letting him slip back into a mode that's a little more comfortable. ]
Infiltrating, most likely. They told me to bring the usual.
[ He nudges the bag that was unceremoniously dropped at his feet a little with one of said feet - no doubt there's probably not much more in there than at least 5 uniforms of different organisations with masks included and at least three dozen juice boxes.
Disguising has always been an easy talent for him. What do you expect? When you're so busy putting on masks your entire life for every given moment, slipping into another persona entirely becomes like a second nature, even if it includes also changing your way of moving and voice. Haku hardly even has to think to do it.
He's doing the same even now, after all. Adapting the very familiar mission attitude that he's slipped into so many times - a mask that's stretched out to match himself from how often he's worn it. Because talking about the mission allows him to not think for a moment or two about how the hell he's supposed to present himself in front of Souma now, after their goodbye, after his graduation mission, after everything.
Dropping to sit on the bed with a loud creak, Haku's hand moves into his pocket, and a moment later he's already removing a wrapper with some foreign text from a chocolate bar before sticking it into his mouth, discarding the wrapper itself on the ground as he's done many times before.
(It'd look casual to most people, but it's honestly just to give his hands something to fidget with in the middle of a nervous breakdown.)
There's a few moments of just chewing before he even gathers up the energy and courage to look in Souma's direction again.
It's not right. It doesn't feel right, just adapting that mask and then only dealing with Souma that way. Not when - oddly enough, considering it's not something he's felt that often the past few years especially - he feels like he wants to say more, do more. He feels himself wanting to connect with Souma again, especially after the most significant bond in his life has been distanced from him as well.
He's lonely, really, but Haku's never known to put that word to his situation.
Souma's always been good about reaching out, but it feels unfair to make him have to do all the work here. After swallowing a careful bite, Haku speaks up again. ]
.. how have you been?
[ It might be small pleasantries in any other situation, but even this much already takes effort to get out. Because there's a lot more in it. There's the worry for Souma considering the kind of work they do (hell, he doesn't even know if Souma has had contact with Shuusuke at all or if he's just doing that well even without the other - it's always been hard to tell, especially when Souma's seemed like such a consistently strong person to Haku). There's the question about whether Souma has ever thought of him all this time the way Haku has spent nights lying awake while thinking about how Shuusuke and Souma got swallowed up into the black void known as loss that seems to accompany him anywhere he goes.
There's a lot. And there's even more Haku wants to say about the things that have happened and about things he feels, but if this much is already so hard, everything else feels far beyond him. ]
no subject
This is different. This isn't shutting Souma out as much as it's him not knowing how to handle any of this. It's like Souma's kindness is hitting him all over again, except this time it's more the memory of it than the actual kindness itself. It's the memories of laughing with the four of them during a time that now feels like it's a lifetime away. Souma is so much just.. Souma, so much the usual, that it almost hurts.
So Haku squares his shoulders and straightens himself a little when he hears that question, letting him slip back into a mode that's a little more comfortable. ]
Infiltrating, most likely. They told me to bring the usual.
[ He nudges the bag that was unceremoniously dropped at his feet a little with one of said feet - no doubt there's probably not much more in there than at least 5 uniforms of different organisations with masks included and at least three dozen juice boxes.
Disguising has always been an easy talent for him. What do you expect? When you're so busy putting on masks your entire life for every given moment, slipping into another persona entirely becomes like a second nature, even if it includes also changing your way of moving and voice. Haku hardly even has to think to do it.
He's doing the same even now, after all. Adapting the very familiar mission attitude that he's slipped into so many times - a mask that's stretched out to match himself from how often he's worn it. Because talking about the mission allows him to not think for a moment or two about how the hell he's supposed to present himself in front of Souma now, after their goodbye, after his graduation mission, after everything.
Dropping to sit on the bed with a loud creak, Haku's hand moves into his pocket, and a moment later he's already removing a wrapper with some foreign text from a chocolate bar before sticking it into his mouth, discarding the wrapper itself on the ground as he's done many times before.
(It'd look casual to most people, but it's honestly just to give his hands something to fidget with in the middle of a nervous breakdown.)
There's a few moments of just chewing before he even gathers up the energy and courage to look in Souma's direction again.
It's not right. It doesn't feel right, just adapting that mask and then only dealing with Souma that way. Not when - oddly enough, considering it's not something he's felt that often the past few years especially - he feels like he wants to say more, do more. He feels himself wanting to connect with Souma again, especially after the most significant bond in his life has been distanced from him as well.
He's lonely, really, but Haku's never known to put that word to his situation.
Souma's always been good about reaching out, but it feels unfair to make him have to do all the work here. After swallowing a careful bite, Haku speaks up again. ]
.. how have you been?
[ It might be small pleasantries in any other situation, but even this much already takes effort to get out. Because there's a lot more in it. There's the worry for Souma considering the kind of work they do (hell, he doesn't even know if Souma has had contact with Shuusuke at all or if he's just doing that well even without the other - it's always been hard to tell, especially when Souma's seemed like such a consistently strong person to Haku). There's the question about whether Souma has ever thought of him all this time the way Haku has spent nights lying awake while thinking about how Shuusuke and Souma got swallowed up into the black void known as loss that seems to accompany him anywhere he goes.
There's a lot. And there's even more Haku wants to say about the things that have happened and about things he feels, but if this much is already so hard, everything else feels far beyond him. ]