fic; baby i'm not moving on, i'll love you long after you're gone

[nostatus]

( disregarding the fact that neither of them ever made it to aizu historically but sssh.. also not trying to be historically correct timeline-wise in any way jsyk I'M JUST DOING THIS TO MAKE MYSELF FEEL LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT THAT'S ALL DON'T JUDGE ME I'M CRYING ALL OVER THE PLACE )

By the time Shinpachi arrives at Aizu, he already half expects the other guy to be there. Sano might be in the same boat as him when it comes to not exactly following the rules too strictly all the time, but even so, the man knows that the other is much more punctual than him when it comes to stuff in general. But when he arrives and asks around, it seems that no one has seen him around camp yet. But it's no big deal. The trek to Aizu from where they had said their temporary goodbyes was a long one, and if Sano took the long way around then of course it'll be a little while more before he shows up. Shinpachi just figures the other guy will show up sooner or later and makes a joke about Sano maybe having decided to take a holiday in the meantime despite the fact that there's a war going on since he fully and utterly believes that the other will show up. Of course he will. It's Sano, Sano has never let him down. He makes himself comfortable in camp, has a few drinks with some of the higher and lesser ranked soldiers, laughs and has fun like there's not a single worry on his mind and when he goes to sleep, he actually sleeps soundly the entire night.

By the fourth day without a single sign from his red-headed friend, the man goes to ask others around camp if they haven't seen him before they got here, especially the people who arrived after him. But no matter who he asks about it, it's like not a single person has seen Sanosuke Harada since he parted ways with Shinpachi. It's a mystery for sure since even if they had to seperate ways for a while, Shinpachi knows the other isn't the type to just take that as a moment to go sit still somewhere. No way, Sano is action and compassion and in the middle of a war Shinpachi can't imagine him not fighting even if it'd be minor fights just to help people out. Sano's presence is too loud to go quiet to the world like this. There's a weird feeling in the bottom of his stomach, but Shinpachi tries to supress it the best he can. Sano will show up sooner or later. There have probably been some ridiculous circumstances and they'll both laugh about it like it's nothing when the guy does show up. Just like they always do. That night during another round of drinking with the other soldiers, Shinpachi's just a little bit louder than usually. Nobody notices.

By the sixth day the soldiers are starting to get restless. They've been stationed here for a while now and with the war coming up and the enemy troops coming ever closer, everyone is antsy and ready to get going and fight already. But Shinpachi just thinks up another and another excuse during the strategic meetings, trying to make them sound as sensible as he possibly can. He's just being selfish and he knows it, he's probably endangering people too (and while that usually wouldn't sit right with him, he figures he'll just make up for it by fighting thrice as hard when battle breaks out and let the enemy forces know the strength that is Shinpachi Nagakura) but they can't leave and move just yet. They can't. Sano knows he's waiting at Aizu, and who knows if the guy will necessarily be able to track them down otherwise. Because of course Sano is still going to show, there's no other way. So until he's here, Shinpachi just has to delay their departure for as long as is reasonably possible. (And maybe even a little beyond that.)

By the seventh day a group of soldiers notices that he keeps lingering near the outskirts of camp. When asked about it by them, Shinpachi just puts on his best grin and says that the only true way to intimidate the enemy is by having one of the leaders standing at the gates of the camp to indicate they might as well be the gates of hell for the enemy. They all laugh and the man soaks up the compliments from the soldiers as if he were a sponge, ridiculously posing inan attempt to show off. Deep down his stomach churns and for the remainder of the day every single piece of red he can see at the horizon is Sano for a brief moment or two until his hopes are shot again.

By the ninth day he starts to hear about how the Shinsengumi aren't exactly doing well either. And despite the tantrum that he threw the day he left, Shinpachi can't help but let it make him feel even more discouraged. It was obvious they were going to get only in tougher and tougher times, but when he thinks of the kind of looks everyone must be carrying on their faces - Hijikata-san, Souji, Saitou, Heisuke, even Kondou-san or maybe especially Kondou-san - his own gaze falls as well and he stares at his boots for a few moments like they're suddenly the most interesting things there are to look at in the world. It's the first time he wishes Sano was here not just for the sake of having his best friend's company, but just so they could put an end to all this shit already before more people lose their spirit.

By the thirteenth day Shinpachi drinks even more than he usually does - on purpose - and starts ranting with tinted cheeks to one of the soldiers about just how unfair all of this is, that Sano was supposed to be here already and fight alongside him and have his back just like he always has and how he's the last guy from Shieikan he still had by his side and that Sano isn't allowed to take that away from him because what else is he supposed to do with the fond memories of the time he spent with the best friends he'd ever find in his life in a group that treated him for his skill and not for the fact that he already was able to get some good status by serving a prick who wouldn't even give a shit about him and dammit weren't they supposed to stay together until the very end, isn't that why they left together-- while the young man just awkwardly tries to find a way to get the older man to calm down. The next morning only a sore back serves the memory of passing out on the spot after drinking too much.

By the sixteenth day he's had enough of it. Enough of how every time he's sparring with one of the soldiers to keep them in good shape even in the camp and they're swinging their sword in arcs that are just too wide it reminds him of Sano's kind of swordplay which made it so apparent he was much more suited for using a spear, enough of how they're starting to run out of booze with the sheer amount he consumes just to deal with the uncertaincy that bubbles up in his stomach at night, enough of how he's sitting around here with thoughts so desperate that he can't help but start to think he's being utterly pathetic. What is he, a lap dog waiting for his owner to come home? (A guy waiting for what might as well be his platonic better half to finally show up like he promised?)

By the end of the morning he's made a deal with the others that he'll set out for a little bit, maybe just a few days, and in return they can actually leave and head for battle by the time he comes back, an offer they're more than glad to take at this point in time after waiting for so long.

By the afternoon of the next day he's reached a small village not too far away from Aizu where after some asking around he finally hears rumors of Harada of the Shinsengumi having roamed the woods recently, presumably in search of something or someone. Someone else admits to having heard sounds of battle last night in the forest, but not having dared to go and look.

By night when he finally is done asking around and goes to look, he's found traces of battle in the forest. Dead bodies, dust and blood are spread out randomly through the forest like someone scattered them everywhere.

By the moonlight, Shinpachi finds the corpse of his best friend slumped against a tree.

Usually his fiery red hair and amber eyes shone like the sun, but here at night in the woods in the middle of blood and red everywhere it just blends in with everything else. Sanosuke Harada, so full of spirit, so full of life-- he's just lying here like he's another dead part of the forest.

Sano's body is turned towards the direction where Aizu is, Shinpachi can tell that much from having travelled here from there. In his last moments, Sano was looking at Aizu. It's only a day away from here. The guy got so damn close to Aizu. To Shinpachi.

Maybe it's realising that fact that makes Shinpachi break out of his frozen shock. Instead he just lets out a sound that's almost more like a growl - like the kind of sound an animal in pain might have made. (It's loud, but what does he care, who could it even attract, everything here is dead which is exactly the problem to begin with.) His throat suddenly feels oddly tight and he grits his teeth like that'll drive away any part of this feeling, even though he knows it won't. There's nothing that could still the waves of rage and crushing sadness that run through him at the thought that Sano is dead and they'll never mess around again together and he'll never have that familiar spear right at his back again to guard him as he fights. The world lost one of the best damn men and warriors out there. But like he has time to give a damn about that in the very first moment, in his very first reaction out of sheer instinct - more importantly, he lost his best friend, the guy who's stuck with him and put up with him through years and years without question.

He can still almost feel the familiar arm over his shoulder, and the man has to choke back a loud sob (he can't remember the last actual time he felt like crying) and he punches a tree until his knuckles are raw and bruises and bleeding, only stopping himself since he knows he'll need his sword hand even more now there won't be anyone behind his back as his laughing and confident rear guard.

Shinpachi mentally curses Sano for daring to leave him and break their promise like that only to forgive him and apologize to him wordlessly a moment later because maybe he should've been there to make sure the other guy didn't die. Because maybe they should've just stuck together since -- isn't that what they always had done?

Maybe that was their last mistake.

That night, instead of hurrying back and not letting the soldiers wait even longer, he lingers.